12 April 2023
Forty-one years ago on this date I was 17 and boarded a plane in Tampa, Florida to return to my home State of Kentucky to live with my grandmother. The next day, April 13th was my 18th birthday so I was finally free as an adult to leave home. I remember that day at the airport so well. I saw my mother cry for the first time ever as I prepared to board the plane. Were they tears of regret because she’d failed as a mother?
Three years earlier my mother and her new husband decided to relocate us all to Tampa, Florida. I was very traumatized as it meant leaving behind my fiance Phyllis Hogan. My hopes and plans were to get back to Kentucky so I could get our relationship back on track, and make plans for our wedding.
My mind fades off now into so many memories of the events that transpired that year, years before, and years after…
I fall into a memory of a summer’s day. Sitting in the front porch swing of a house on Crestmoor. I close my eyes and remember. The present fades away. I am there. An olfactory memory of the scent of perfume Muguet Des Bois. I open my eyes. I’m not there, but she was just here with me for a brief moment again. Why, after all these years, does my heart tell me it was only yesterday?
23 March 2023
Today I stumbled across a very interesting video on Youtube about a phenomenon known as genetic atavism. What’s that? I never heard of it either, but I realize it could be the very reason that my great-great maternal grandfather (b. 1852) came out looking Black race when both his parents were White. I hunted for slave ownership records thinking his father may have had a child by a slave. I wondered if his mother had perhaps had relations with a slave. I wish I could time travel and speak to my 3rd great grandparents about this. Here’s the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYJjqphnwsc
Today I also found out I have cancer. I have to decide whether I want treatment or forego treatment. I’m told at this point treatment would easily stop the cancer. I guess the real decision is whether I want to live longer or not. All my family has preceded me in death, grandparents, parents, sister and brothers. I’m the only family I have left. No wife or children. There is not a single soul on this planet that will miss me when I’m gone. I’ll be buried along with my name so the saying goes.
21 March 2023
Some months back I was checking on the progress of the repositioning of the old 1880’s courthouse in my hometown of La Grange, Kentucky. They moved the building forward on the courthouse lawn to allow more space at the rear to build on a modern addition. Anyway, while looking for more information on the progress I came across a Google maps for the courthouse and I just decided to travel along memory lane, so to speak, on the roads that lead from the courthouse to my grandparents former farm.
I was tracing my way along the road to the farm when I was a bit taken aback to notice Google had done a recent update of their satellite photos. Since the farm sold in 2004 it’s passed through several hands, developers hoping to build homes on it, but they soon found out that the number of natural springs and resulting progressive sinkholes did not allow for zoning of the way they planned. The last sale of the property finally got someone building. I was toying with the idea to buy the property back and live there again as it set undeveloped all these years, but now that dream is gone.
I imagine it’s for the best that it’s gone because it will never be what it was supposed to be. It’s strange to look back at the chain of events. I actually didn’t lose the farm when my grandmother died as that dream flew out the window decades before when I was 18 and the girl I was to marry left me. No longer would I be the sole grandchild to inherit the farm as the home for my family.
Ultimately, I know God has a plan for our lives so that we learn what we need to learn each time on the earth school. For that reason I don’t blame Phyllis for the loss my family farm even it was her actions that changed the course of history. No wonder that old Jimmy Stewart movie, It’s a Wonderful Life is a perennial favorite.
Despite what has been lost God’s plan still the best blueprint for a wonderful life.
17 March 2023
Been quiet for a bit. When March 8th rolls around I get quiet and sad because it’s the anniversary of my grandmother’s death in 2004. We were soul mates. It felt like we shared a soul. She was a savior.
My mother had hid her pregnancy from my father and divorced him. She didn’t believe in abortion, but she believed in giving her child away for adoption. My grandmother stepped in told my mother not to “Do that to your own child because you are upset with his father. I’ll take the child and care for him till you get your head straightened out.”
I went straight from the hospital to my grandparents home for the first three months of my life. Later in life my mother complained that I cried for six months after she brought me home, but let me believe she had brought me home from the hospital, not that she had taken me from the only mother I knew for three months. Is it any wonder I cried for six months?
I wish my grandmother would have kept me forever. I imagine I would have grown up loving myself instead of hating myself and taking the blame for all my mother’s unhappiness. All the hatred she had for my father she placed onto me. She said many things to make me feel unworthy of love. She married five times and destroyed each marriage mentally castrating each husband. With a mother that mentally and physically abused me and never having a father to protect me it’s no wonder how I finally became suicidal as a teenager with no one to turn to.
I often think about a snowy winter’s day when I was 12 years old. I was at school and during the lunch hour I wandered away from the school feeling like I just wanted to lay down in the snow and die so I didn’t have to return to my horrible home situation. I used to sleep behind furniture and in closets to avoid being found by my alcoholic mother and being beaten just because. In remembering that day I often have wished I would have been smart enough to have made my way to my grandparents home and told them of all the abuse I was suffering and begged them to keep me and protect me.
These memories I’ve revisited them many times, but they never get old. I still weep tears for that little boy who didn’t deserve to be abused, and I daydream about how my life could have been different if I had been loved.
I met Phyllis Hogan the next school year and I knew I’d found my one true love. She said she loved me and we’d be married. I never got the chance to share with her the things I’ve shared today. Things that made me feel like she was my match made in heaven. Sadly, after all these years, I still feel the same way today. Call me the hopeless romantic, but I feel we both know the truth that we were meant for each other. We’ve both struggled with many hardships in the intervening years. Somehow we both learned how to tuck certain memories and feelings away so we could survive and try to find some happiness outside of the joys of a happy marriage, family, children.
My mother moved our family away from Kentucky and away from my bride to be just when plans for a wedding should have begun. I wonder if my mother moved us away to prevent my happiness? I don’t see how moving to Florida benefited anything. It put 1000 miles between us and the rest of our family. It put 1000 miles between me and Phyllis. Nothing good came of it. Nothing.
20 February 2023
Happy Presidents Day to the true President of the United States, Donald J. Trump!
2 February 2023
In John 12:25 Yeshua Messiah said, “Whoever loves his life will lose it, but whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. “
I was having one or two of those days lately where I was not liking my life in this world too much. During this time of sadness the Lord reached out to me in His mercy and revealed something to me
Back in 1982 when I was 18 I left my mother’s house in Florida and returned to my home State of Kentucky. I had returned to claim my bride, but to my devastation a month after my arrival she up and took another. All was lost. There was nothing I could do. In resignation I returned to my mother’s home in Florida where it wasn’t long before life became so dark for me that I didn’t want to live anymore.
On that sunny afternoon I took an overdose of sleeping pills and laid in my bed looking forward to leaving this life of pain. I was slipping in and out of consciousness when I was no longer in my bright bedroom, but things were I light came closer and became brighter and a voice spoke to me and said, “If you do this then you will never have a chance to be happy.” I can’t say who this voice belonged to, but I feel it was one of two–either Yeshua or my grandpa who had passed in 1974.
All these 40 years since that day I heeded that warning in the sense that I needed to live to have the chance for happiness on this earth. The past couple days I have been thinking that hasn’t been much happiness these past 40 years. It was then that the still small voice in my thoughts made me realize I’d gotten it all wrong. That 40-year-old warning wasn’t about the fleeting happiness one can experience here on this earth, but it was about the eternal happiness I would experience on the day when the Father calls me home and I get to see Yeshua.
9 January 2023
I’ve got this thing for white roses. I like all roses, but white climbers or ramblers really excite me. When I lived in Indiana I had some wild white roses I’d taken from the fenceline on my grandparents farm in Kentucky. They were only a few petals and very small. The untrained eye might thing they were blackberries in bloom.
In preparing for my move to my new home I’ve taken a cutting from my prized Iceberg climbing rose. It blooms constantly through the season and grows to 15 feet in just a couple years. The cutting is potted up and ready for travel.
I found a white rambler called Lykkefund which also grows like crazy. I’m just putting a link to where I can get one so I won’t forget. https://www.northlandrosarium.com/products/lykkefund
25 December 2022
Formerly I have written much about the woman who I’ve considered my wife for 40 years. Biblically speaking, when a couple becomes engaged to be married it carries the same weight as today’s modern wedding ceremony. There are a few more rules as to what constituted a betrothal in Biblical times, but I’ll skip those as I think everyone knows that much of society has become a lot more morally loose and an engagement today isn’t quite the binding contract it was in Biblical times. When was the last time you heard of a bride paying a dowry to her husband to be? Times have changed, but God has not.
As we read in the New Testament Mary and Joseph almost got divorced even though they were only engaged and had not yet had their wedding ceremony, nor consummated their union. The angel of God told him not to divorce her because the child in her was from the Holy Spirit, and not the result of an adulterous relationship.
Because Phyllis left me during our engagement it has left me married in God’s eyes and I am not allowed to marry another woman because Biblically I have a living wife. She could come back to me or if she doesn’t come back to me I am only released to marry another when she dies. Sad situation to be in, but I will not mock God and commit the sin of adultery by marrying another while I have a living wife. While the sins of my past are under the blood that does not set me free to marry again now. I’m thinking more along the lines of a senior citizen group home sort of thing that can be a replacement of sorts for family. All my family is dead and I am an orphan now since 2005.
I went through hell when she left me and instead of mourning my loss and trying to move on in a healthy fashion I turned to drugs, alcohol and a couple suicide attempts to cover my pain. Then the ultimate escapist plan was to become someone else leaving my former identity behind. It took me actually about 20 years to wriggle free of the false identity I created for myself to escape the painful reality that the love of my life had left me, and worse, she was trapped in an abusive marriage that she was scared to leave for fear he’d kill her. What a mess.
After 40 years I finally got the strength to mourn my loss and grieve like I should have 40 years ago. Over those 40 years there were conversations with her sister Linda, a few messages with her sister Joan, and finally also quite a few exchanges with her sister Zina who was quite sympathetic to me, and Zina, if you are reading accept my apologies. Just know that Phyllis was and still is the love of my life and I never grieved her loss. I disassociated psychologically for 40 years till I finally faced the pain when I had become stronger. You helped me with that and there were a couple times I was just wound up so tight I said some things I regret. I hope you can forgive me.
Anyway, I’ve been experiences letting go in stages. Today I finally felt the peace to be able to let go of all my writings here on this website about my heartache since Phyllis left me. I clicked on all the cathartic pages I’d written that I hope Phyllis read and I have removed them all from the website.
I’m at peace now having grieved her loss, and she must think me most vile for airing all my heartaches online, but I guess she will never know how much she devastated my life. I can’t say I have any faith that she read anything I wrote, but at least I know her sister Zina did. Maybe one day Zina will tell her how much I loved her and will till the day I die.
That’s where I’m going to leave this, finally. I have no expectations Phyllis will ever contact me with any explanation or apology for mysteriously leaving me and marrying another. I just have to be at peace knowing that I will never know. I feel sad writing this because I’d take her back in a flash because I’ve never stopped loving her, but I know I’ve finally been able to work through it all and let go. I hope I don’t ever have to revisit this subject again. It feels like a good day to fully let go…
12 December 2022
America at War with Russia
When the military of the USA is giving intelligence to Ukraine of locations in Russia for places to strike with bombs that sure sounds like America being at war with Russia to me. When Putin has had enough and hits the United States of America with nuclear bombs don’t be surprised.
6 December 2022
Last night I traveled back in time in my dreams. Lady Diana Spencer was my friend before she began seeing Prince Charles. We were at some large dinner function, the kind where large round tables that held up to 8 people filled a large banquet hall. I had a sudden flush of awareness that I had fallen in love with her. To my surprise, and hers, I leaned into her to whisper something in her ear and I told her, “I love you” and kissed her ear before withdrawing. She looked back at me with a look that confirmed she loved me too.
As I said, I traveled back in time. I knew the mistake she would make in the next year after meeting Prince Charles. Somehow she knew it too as she was also aware she had traveled back in time to relive this tender moment. We both knew we were meant to be together as each other’s first love.
I hate to admit it, but I think the dream is symbolic of my own first love that I have never forgotten.
5 December 2022
When Revelation chapter 6 speaks of 2 pounds of wheat for a days wages I think many of us have scoffed at such a reality?
Eggs are part of my diet and I egg organic pasture raised eggs. I get them at the Walmart, but they been out of the Happy Egg brand for several weeks. I check the website today to see if they are back in stock yet and they are. They went from $4.56 a dozen to $7.36 a dozen. That’s insane, but it’s gonna get worse.
Have you noticed how many earthquakes are happening and how many volcanos we currently have erupting?
These are just the beginnings of sorrows?
I’m not afraid of starving to death, or death at all because I know I’ll be going home and I’ll see Yeshua and the Father. I just hope since the righteous are not appointed for wrath that I don’t have to suffer and die before Yeshua raptures me home. Dear heavenly Father please forgive me for all my sins as I strive to know and keep all your commandments. I want to live in your Kingdom forever. In Yeshua’s name I pray.
26 November 2022
Added a new page to the website today with a video link that clearly explains how the Jews changed God’s Holy Torah to deceive their own people about the identity of their own Messiah Yeshua. You can find the Youtube video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VI1yRTC6kGE
25 November 2022
Sometimes I am gripped with a deep loneliness. I’m lonely for the wife I should be enjoying life, children, and grandchildren with. Because of my faith in God’s word I know I can’t go looking for a new wife because God still considers Phyllis Hogan my living wife. I am to be true to God’s word, either she returns to me or I must wait until she dies before I can marry someone else.
For reference see the story of Mary and Joseph in the New Testament. Joseph was promised to Mary. During their engagement before they had sexually come together Mary was found to be pregnant and at first Joseph was going to divorce her for adultery till the angel of the LORD revealed to him that the child in her womb is of the Holy Spirit and he should not divorce her and continue to take her as his wife.
You see, in God’s eyes when two people plan to marry they are considered already man in wife and if they then decide to separate before they consummate the marriage it takes a divorce. So, in God’s eyes Phyllis committed adultery by leaving me for Patrick Hickey. Back when this tragic event happened I didn’t have the knowledge and tools I do today. I don’t think Phyllis when to church or had any significant Bible knowledge so I assume she has committed adultery in ignorance.
Matthew 19:9 says, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
Because she left me for another man I am free to marry someone else, but having loved her for so long it’s hard to imagine throwing that love away that is still so pure. I know I must accept that it’s completely foolish to think she’d ever return to me. I just find it too difficult to pretend I’m free when in my heart I don’t feel free. Sometimes I wonder if it’s not too late for me to find a Godly woman to spend the rest of my life with. Having never had children I also think of adopting a child that hopefully will be there for me in my old age and I’ll have someone to leave my estate to instead of just having it all given away to charity. I guess giving it all away to a Godly organization is not so bad, but it’s not the first heartfelt plan that comes to mind.
18 November 2022
Rethinking the Genesis 1:29 Diet and Traveling Down the Rabbit Hole
29And God said, “See, I have given you every herb that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree whose fruit yields seed; to you it shall be for food.”
On the surface the average reader would assume God declared that the vegan diet is the perfect diet for humans. If so, then why did God command that everyone should eat Passover lamb? Later also giving specific commandments about which animals we can eat?
Could it be that what has been handed down to us through scripture is a condensed version that has left out important details about the state of man at creation and how we evolved since so that now the proper human diet is carnivore where the sparing use of fruits/vegetable/herbs are used as flavor enhancer for the meat?
I’m curious about the human cecum that is so small compared to certain vegetarian animals that we call it an appendix. The cecum of apes is about four feet long and provides a vast space for the breaking down of all the hard fibrous bark they nibble off tree branches before it moves into the large intestine. Amazingly us humans share 99% of are DNA with apes and we appear so much like them. Could these primates have been what God used to hybridize with a human-like species to create us and the made from dirt story was meant to cover a disconcerting fact?
What if what we know about God himself gives us a very limited understanding of who and what he is? There seems to be a theme that God is more like some type of energy that can take the form of a pillar of cloud or a pillar of fire. Scriptures tells us that God appeared to Abraham as a man along with two angels. God also appeared to Jacob as a man that fought with him and apparently fractured his hip. If we believe in the authority of scripture testifying that God and basically take on any form he desires for his purposes then why are there some that reject completely the idea that God was in the vessel of Yeshua Moshiach (Jesus Christ)? How can there be any argument when Yeshua is recorded in John 14:11 as saying, “11Believe Me that I am in the Father and the Father in Me.”
How can we explain the mystery of God being in Yeshua and Yeshua being in the Father when we cannot truly understand how our bodies are animated by a soul that entered into it and will be deanimated when the soul leaves it one day?
Certainly, there is so many details we do not yet know, but one day all will be revealed. If it were revealed to us now it would come as quite a shock to know how everything works. The book of Daniel lets us know that in the Last Days knowledge shall be increased, but it doesn’t say all will be revealed. So, how is knowledge to our burning questions being increased?
I do believe that documented history that is much older than the writing of the book of Genesis is part of our knowledge being increased that fills in some of the blanks. Consider in the year 1893 clay tablets were found in Iraq that predate the Bible’s book of Genesis by many thousands of years. Among the many tablets found in the ancient Iraqi city of Nippur (founded 4000 BC) were a collection of 7 tablets known as The Enuma Elish (also known as The Seven Tablets of Creation). In these tablets we have earlier documentation of nearly the same creation account given in the book of Genesis where the first man was created from earth in a place called Eden (a Sumerian word that means ‘flat terrain’.) Eden is mentioned as the garden of the gods and is located somewhere in Mesopotamia between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers.
As we know, Abraham came from the city of Ur in Iraq so surely he was wise and knew of these creation stories that got passed down over time and eventually a version that was a bit altered was recorded in the book of Genesis.
So, what of the Sumerian God that lived somewhere beyond their skies and was responsible for creating mankind? Since nobody actually knows much about our Father who art in heaven perhaps we’ve found some of that knowledge that was promised to be increased in the Last Days per the book of Daniel.
No revelations will change my heart about the Father or our Messiah Yeshua. I have often said to people that I wouldn’t make a fuss if Yeshua returned to earth in spaceship with Muhammad and a little green man as co-pilots. I think we’ve all been raised to have some idyllic and romanticized view of who and what God is and nearly every single one of us will be a bit surprised at the final reveal. Sadly, none will be more surprised than those who Yeshua called “the workers of iniquity”, all those many so-called Christians who live Lawlessly because they say all of God’s Law was nailed to the cross and they don’t have to keep it anymore.
30 October 2022
Remembering my grandpa today on the 46th anniversary of his passing.
23 October 2022
It’s a cold day here.
12 October 2022
Three queens in their nineties have died within days of each other. Most recently, queen of the silver screen Angela Lansbury, queen of country music Loretta Lynn, and The Queen of England.
10 October 2022
Last night I watched a free movie on Crackle called, Me and You Us Forever https://www.crackle.com/watch/1fd0263f-3000-43e9-b7fa-a06fbc07028e/me-and-you-us-forever
It’s a movie about a man who’s wife says she has no feelings for him anymore and divorces him leaving him and their two daughters heartbroken. As the months pass and he struggles with his grief he wonders if their marriage had been a mistake. He began to reminisce about his first love from high school realizing that he should have never broke off their relationship, and she was the woman he should have married. Slowly, with his own loss, he began to understand the heartache he must have caused his first love when he ended their relationship. He resolved to go see her to make a long overdue apology after 30 years.
Obviously, this movie spoke volumes to me. My first love in high school whom I became engaged to dumped me. Out of the blue Phyllis sent me a letter saying that we were finished and she threw away everything I ever gave her. I guess that meant the gold engagement bracelet I gave her went to the trash too.
In shock after reading her letter I went to the phone to try to talk to her and ask her what in the world was going on. I made several attempts to speak with her, but she wouldn’t talk to me. I’d never felt such pain in my life. I bolted out the door of my parents house and threw myself in front of a car on the highway.
In some ways I did die that day because I knew my life no longer had a future. I began my escape from that life by putting myself back on the potters wheel to recreate myself with a new identity. Like the drugs and alcohol many people use to escape the pain of reality I used transgenderism to escape a painful destroyed life. It took 20 years of that life to realize it was another self destructive form of escapism. Once I stopped deluding myself and returned to living my natural life as male I finally began to put the pieces of my broken life back together as best as possible. I created this website as part of my healing process. Phyllis found this website and contacted me. She told me her sad story of an abused wife, but she never told me she was sorry for how she devastated my life.
Seems like both our lives went to hell in different ways. She still is suffering with her abuser husband, but her suffering may be over soon as I hear he is in bad health. I don’t know that Phyllis ever loved me and I can’t say she didn’t. I think the desperate social undercurrent in her life was to find a man to support her and live out her life in security as an obedient housewife regardless if there was any love in the marriage or not. All of her family encouraged her to get out of her abusive marriage. One sister inspired her to get an education so she could develop her own financial support with a career if she left the marriage. I hope she will find peace once her abuser is dead. At least she will have financial security since he was in the Marines, and she will own property in Kentucky and Florida. I don’t think she will ever apologize for how she hurt me and that’s okay because I’ve forgiven her anyway. I’ve gotten over the hurt and all that remains is the love. In my heart she will always be that beautiful young woman I fell in love with. I will remember fondly are happy walks in the fall on the Sacred Heart Academy campus and our special place where we used to sit and talk. While I do tell the truth of what happened, and that truth does have some consequences, I don’t tell these things with any bitter intent. Real love and forgiveness have a way of making you forget unpleasant things. I know if I ever saw Phyllis again my heart would melt just like it used to do and I’d simply pick up loving her where things left off years ago. Love heals all wounds.
Like the guy in the movie, I had to go through a lot of things before I finally got it all figured out. I had to stop running from my pain to restore my life. It took nearly 40 years to finally come to a place where I stopped running and was able to finally face the grieving process of Phyllis leaving me. She still owns half of my heart and she always will, but that is something I’ve finally made peace with. The way I see it, the worst is behind me, and now that our Lord and Savior is so close to returning to this world I don’t have much time left to keep myself occupied. I have my fur children (dogs), my gardening, and I teach others about the Master of the Universe and His Son, our soon coming King Messiah.
7 October 2022
The beautiful fall weather has been keeping me busy on my garden projects. I’ve built my new garden entrance arbor and I’m mapping out the new flower beds bordered with landscaping bricks. I found a really great metal garden trellis and I’ve envisioned creating a trellis fence with a bunch of them around the entrance to my garden. When the landscape bricks are laid about a foot and a half high to create my planting bed I’ll be able to put bougainvillea’s out of their pots and into the ground. I plan to keep them espaliered along the trellis fence rather sparsely so you can still see through the trellis. That will take constant pruning as bougainvillea grow quickly. I love that though because it constantly will give me something to do in the garden, pinching here and clipping there. I also have a Persian lime that I’m going to espalier to the trellis. Now that that the new arbor is up I’ll be able to give my potted iceberg climbing rose a forever home. It will go on one side of the arbor and I’m going to allow a pink lantana to grow up the other side.
My keto-carnivore diet is coming along well. I’m learning how to balance the right amounts of my foundational foods consisting of cauliflower, cabbage, broccoli, beef, beef tallow, beef liver, and eggs. I also eat avocado’s for fat and I use a bit of onion sometimes. Pretty simple and low maintenance. I’m also still taking my Vibe nutraceutical that I’ve been taking for nearly 20 years. Learning what your body needs to be disease-free takes a bit of detective work since we have all been programed by the government food pyramid to eat a diet that promotes nearly every disease you could ever get.
Back to my garden daydreaming…. This morning while watering I was thinking that some hanging baskets of flowers would look great on the front of the arbor if I install some nice hanger brackets on the posts. I just remembered I need to get my purple basil seeds planted. Basil grows very well in the year-round climate here. The purple will be very beautiful and complimentary with the pink lanta, white roses, and the pinks and fushia’s of the bougainvillea’s. I’m so happy fall has arrived!
22 September 2022
Wow! Got down to 66 this morning and it was absolutely glorious working out in the garden. We still got to 100 today, but since we don’t have the humidity 100 was very easy to take after the monsoon for like 3 weeks since the last week of August when we were also have temps to about 116. From here on out over the fall and winter it’s gonna be wonderful.
Today I put a big thrust in the re-orchestration of my garden symphony. I’m putting up a Japanese style garden fence with an arbor for my front garden. I was very blessed to find a metal trellis that has a Japanese flavor and I purchased five of them to make 10 feet of fence on one side of the garden. Once I get those connected together I then need to plan my wooden arbor in a complimentary style. That will take some calculating. I’ll need to design the dimensions of the gate within the arbor first and then manage the the relocation of the arbor entrance by some inches due to the sections of trellis fencing coming in 24 inch widths.
I wasn’t exactly planning on a garden with a Japanese flavor, but my gardening motto has always been, “I let the garden plan itself. I’m just the caretaker.” Don’t get me wrong. I love planned formal gardens, but I like the idea that my garden has a soul and style of it’s own and I’m happy to assist and share the joy.
Today, I also remember my mother who passed at age 54. She would have been 86 today.
15 September 2022
It’s very difficult to write anything cheerful at this time. I suppose it is not appropriate to write about cheerful things at this time anyway. Certainly, Prince Harry is not having a cheerful time on this his 38th birthday. I hope somehow though he can be comforted by the love of his grandmother who would have loved to celebrate him on this day.
13 September 2022
This time last week Elizabeth, Queen of Scots was still smiling and vibrant, but only minutes ago I watched as the air force jet with her contained in a coffin left Scotland for the last time. I’m sure it wasn’t the way she’d wish to return to London.
Sadly, it forces memories of my own grandmother’s passing. She was the Queen of my family. I wonder if she ever actually knew her grandmother Morrison was Scottish? I know, perhaps more than her children, the Queen’s grandchildren are the most sad. There is always something extra special about a grandmother and her relationship with her grandchildren. Well, at least I can speak for myself, and can only imagine the loss that Harry and William are feeling now with their cousins, Beatrice and Eugenie.
I’ve been looking forward to reading Prince Harry’s memoir when it is published. I wonder now with the death of his granny will he be doing a final edit to include his thoughts about her life and passing. I am reminded that my own mother passed 10 years before my grandmother did. I’m very grateful that I got to keep my grandmother longer because she was a mother to me than a grandmother.
04 September 2022
My dad would have been 86 on August 31. Princess Diana is gone 25 years on August 31. My mother passed on the 17th of August.
23 August 2022
Hello again. It’s been nearly one year since I made an entry in this blog. Why? The day before I made my last entry here I began a goodbye blog to the love of my life, Phyllis Hogan. That blog came to an end on August 8th.
It was in December of 1978 that Phyllis Hogan and I became engaged to be married. We didn’t tell our families. It was to be a secret betrothal just between us until the time was proper to make a formal engagement announcement. I don’t know what Phyllis may have told her family.
My mother had decided to move my family 1000 miles away from our home in Kentucky to a new home in Florida and there was nothing we could do, but I gave her a gold betrothal bracelet instead of a golden engagement ring. Her engagement ring I would purchase a few years later, but it never was given because one day with no warning she put an end to our relationship with a letter. Over the next two years I tried to convince Phyllis to reconcile with little success. The month I turned 18 I returned to Kentucky to live with my grandmother and I hoped, now living close by Phyllis would return to our marriage. I didn’t mistakenly just say marriage. I believe in our Creator, our LORD (YHVH), and according to His word when a couple becomes betrothed to one another it carries the same weight as marriage.
I began speaking with Phyllis on the phone and let her know I’d returned to living in Kentucky in hopes we’d get things back on track. I want to make this long story shorter so I’ll cut the sad ending. A month after returning Phyllis did the unimaginable and she married the kid known as the biggest asshole in school, Patrick Hickey on the 30th of May 1982 and she has paid dearly for that mistake ever since. She has been kept a prisoner in a loveless, and childless marriage for over 40 years. She remains married to him today, but her sister Zina told me some months ago that Patrick is diabetic and in bad health. I guess that means he is unable to quite the jailer he used to be and Phyllis is now allowed to drive herself to work and places where in years past she not allowed to do such. I’m glad her locked down life has opened up a little. One day she will finally be free of her marriage to Patrick and what will she do then? I used have hopes that she’d tell me I was her true love and soul mate and she wanted to start again after her mistake, but because she stopped talking to me a little over 10 years ago I have now given up all hope that will happen. It is hard to imagine how after being stuck with a man who threatens to kill you if you ever left him that Phyllis would want to trust again. Both her sisters, Zina and Joan, have my phone number that I gave them to give her. Zina texted me so there is a forever record that she can’t say she lost my number. It’s not even about my phone number. I’m right here on the Internet with my whole life an open book. Contacting me is just one click away.
Anyway… It took me nearly a year to finally grieve the relationship that Phyllis and I once had. I had never done it years ago. Instead of grieving and trying to move on I went into denial. With that denial came a couple suicide attempts. After I got past that phase of my denial I turned to other self destructive avenues to stop the pain. I didn’t know how I would ever be anything in life without her. Forever I felt I was going to be stuck being the boy with a broken heart. Is that all I would ever be? I decided I would not be that boy anymore. I would not allow there to be any chance that another girl would come along that would only do the same thing to me again. In my denial I denied myself a chance to grieve. There were other ways besides suicide to escape the life that has been so full of pain and disappointment. I decided to put my old life behind me and become someone new. The details of that effort should be found in an autobiography called, The Colossal Mistake. Seriously, folks…don’t run away from your problems. Face them head on. Don’t go into denial. The pain I put on hold by trying to run away from it only came back demanding it’s day in court later.
Slowly, over the years I took my life back, in 2004 to be exact. The year my beloved grandmother passed away. I still had much to get back into order, but it was almost like I picked up the thread I had dropped all those years ago. In 1983 I was struggling to stay alive so I realized I was not a candidate for University then. I wasn’t until I took my life back that it was like returning to that last year of high school. It was 20 years later, but I returned to school to become a psychologist. It was a few years after my grandmother’s passing that Phyllis contacted me again having found me through this website on the Internet. I guess that was when my grieving began. I had grown stronger and my psychological education had me making the right choices this time.
Phyllis remained in contact for several years and then vanished again like she’d done once before years ago. I figured that perhaps Patrick had gotten too close to finding out we were talking and she got hell for it. She told me so many horrible things he had done to her over the years and I offered to help her escape him and start a new life with me just as friends without trying to pick up where we left off. She just disappeared again like she did so many years ago leaving me wondering what was going on in her mind.
I was talking to a therapist friend some years ago about her and he said to me, “It’s sounds like you’ve never grieved the loss and moved on?” He was right. How was I to move on though with no answers why Phyllis did what she did to me, to us. She has lived a life of misery since and so have I. However, as we all do we learn how to find joy in small things, and one day we find we feel like we’ve moved on, but in reality we haven’t. Sweeping grieving under the rug only keeps it hidden till it’s dealt with later.
I began my slow process of healing by writing my life story in private and on the Internet for all the world to see. It was several years into writing that I came to a place where I began to finally go through the grieving process of Phyllis leaving me. I finally came to terms with it the healthy way. The blog I mentioned above took nearly a year of making entries till I was able to let go and finally say goodbye. I finally became strong enough to face the idea that I’d never see her again in this lifetime. Oh, yes, I could have made an appearance on her doorstep anytime I wanted uninvited. I could have showed up at her places of employment and asked her to go to lunch with me or on a walk to talk, but you don’t do that to a woman you love who is trapped in a marriage with an abusive man who may fly into a rage and become deadly.
I called her at work one day. All I wanted to do was hear her voice. I didn’t identify myself. Her voice still sounded just the same as the one that used to tell me “I love you” all those years ago. Hearing her voice somehow allowed me to believe she was real and that I hadn’t just imagined her in a dream. It gave me strength to let go and let God. That’s where we stand now. I don’t think I’ll ever see her again until I see her in the presence of God. And that’s okay. I’ve finally let go. It was good to go through the grieving process. I only wish I could have done it many years ago and my life would not have taken so many sad twists and turned through suicide, drugs, alcohol and running away from my broken heart, running away from me.
So, here I am on the other side of that long journey. Fifty-eight years old and I’m wondering where life will take me now. It’s really an odd thought to know all the life changing events of the past 40 years were honestly a result of me not grieving Phyllis Hogan and moving on with my life. I could think of all the what could have been possibilities. A wife with children growing up on the same farm I grew up on. Grandchildren growing up on the same farm. Even great grandchildren by now. Ah well! God is still in control and this life is not over yet. Being among those who medically cannot get vaccinated against COVID is another existence, but with God’s help I’m going to thrive.
After a recent inheritance I have the feeling that once again the 7-year itch is settling in. I feel like my time in the desert may be over? I don’t know. Is it time for a desert upgrade? Is it time to move home to Kentucky in preparation for my eventual death? Maybe I won’t die? Maybe I’ll be “changed in a moment” and receive a glorified body like Yeshua and I won’t need to be buried with my people in Kentucky. It’s a time of transition. One long and rough chapter is closing and it’s time to welcome a new chapter of my life.
So, what’s happening in my new chapter of life? I guess one of the biggest things going on my life now is my diet. For so many years I simply ate whatever I wanted. I didn’t have a terrible diet full of processed junk and trans fats. I did however have a diet that was full of wheat gluten that gave me arthritis. I was so amazed after finally accepting the knowledge that arthritis is caused by gluten and I stopped all gluten my arthritis went away. Growing up on a farm we raised beef cattle and huge garden. The Standard American Diet (SAD) encouraged me to believe that lots of fruits and veggies with a serving of meat was the way to go. I appreciated how the Chinese would use meat as a flavoring for their vegetable stir frys. I stayed pretty health way till I was 50 and the arthritis kicked in.
I was lead to believe that going vegetarian or vegan was the way to regaining my health. Boy, was that wrong and a big mistake! I eased into my big diet change over a period of a few years. First, I stopped all gluten and sugar. It was very difficult because I love bread and sugar. I was only allowing the occasional treat, but when I did I would have a flare up of eczema, arthritis, and neuropathy. Finally, I was able to stop all wheat for good and decades or eczema ended instantly. My arthritis that would sometimes have me on a walker from back pain went away too. So now, I was a vegan, mainly a raw vegan. Well, you live and you learn. All fruits and vegetables are carbohydrates that turn into sugar in the body and cause diabetes and here I was eating this stuff all day long and so my insulin never got a break. Thankfully, my vegan mistake only lasted a couple years and I did no permanent damage.
So what am I doing now? No processed foods? Yes, I am eating processed foods. I’m just not eating the ones you think I am. Cattle eat a vegetarian diet. Instead of me eating all those fruits and vegetables to get their nutrients I’m allowing God’s wonder animal to process those foods for me and turn it into nutrient dense beef. When I stopped eating fruits and vegetables that my body turned into sugar my neuropathy pain began to stop. No more flooding my bloodstream with sugar and insulin and my nerves have begun to heal.
For now my diet is called Keto-Carnivore or otherwise known as PHD (Proper Human Diet). Super low carb and heavy on meat and fat. Finally, my body is healing because it’s getting the food it needs to heal. I’m still in what is called the elimination stage. I’m seeing what I can eat along with beef that won’t cause neuropathy pain. So, far an avocado a day doesn’t hurt. I love avocado’s. Raw onions don’t seem to hurt so I can put them in my sardine egg salad. I recently found out my one sweet thing, stevia, the natural sweetener apparently triggers insulin release. No worries! Instead of drinking sweet tea all day I limit my coffee and sweet tea to my one meal a day mealtime so any and all insulin goes out at one time and the rest of the day my body heals.
Diet change is not easy, but when you get tired of having diet-related illnesses you become motivated to make lasting changes. In this modern world where most of the planet has every kind of food imaginable available to them at any time of year WE HAVE BECOME A PLANT OF GLUTTONS. It is written in Scripture, “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge”. Look at all the people dying too young from diet related illness. It doesn’t have to happen! I’m so glad I found Dr. Ken Berry on Youtube. He promotes the Proper Human Diet. Also, finding out about the diet change that saved Dr. Jordan Peterson and his daughter Mikhaila was a real eye-opener. We are all finally learning how certain foods are literally killing us. While I’m still in the stage of feeling strange eating so much meat I’m not allowing that to bother me. I have to admit though I feel as if I should be having dreams of being a tiger running after prey and eating it live and bloody. LOL
28 September 2021
Have I mentioned I have not taken the COVID vaccine? I’m one of those people that have been advised by my doctors that I should not take any of the vaccines because due to my XO/XY Mosaic chromosome pattern I am one of those people at high risk of forming fatal blood clots from the vaccine. World-wide there have been many thousands of death from blood clots after receiving the vaccine and the numbers continue to rise. I know the possibility exists that I could catch COVID and it would be fatal for me in a matter of days because I have lung damage from a nerve pain drug I once took called Gabapentin/Lyrica. I know that any of us could go at any time from something as simple as heart failure, heart attack, or stroke, but those have a better survival rate than COVID. It’s an ugly new world I live in now where I live under the pressure that something as simple as going to the grocery could cost me my life. I guess I have a bit of an easier time than most adjusting to isolation as I grew up in a type of isolated life on a farm. I’m not on a farm now however. I live in a home with only patio space for my garden. How I wish I was back home in Kentucky on the land that was my grandparents farm.
27 September 2021
The nightmares have begun again. The same nightmares I used to have when I was 16 after being hospitalized for a suicide attempt after my fiancé Phyllis Hogan sent me a letter telling me she never wanted to see me again.
This time the nightmares are worse because all the memories I have previously blocked as part of the post traumatic shock syndrome (PTSD) have now after 40 years coming flooding back all in exacting and vivid detail. For these past decades I could only remember what are called small flashbulb memories–an event here or there as if it were like a photo taken when you are stunned by the flashbulb of a camera and you remember nothing surrounding the time of the photo, but just that moment in time.
In my work as a psychotherapist I understood and taught this phenomenon that people went through after experiencing trauma how for many years memories they would have no access to certain memories and then one day some occurrence in their lives would allow all the memories to come back. Today I have experienced that phenomenon now for myself. Now I know what my patients have felt. Everyone’s memories of traumatic events that return to them are different, but the similarity is in how the individuals then experience the full emotional impact of the trauma all over again. I woke myself up this morning crying from the events of a dream that I assume is part of what unlocked the memories I’m buried so deep.
I imagine this has now happened due to the additional emotional trauma I’ve been experiencing since trying to re-establish contact with Phyllis. She has refused to contact me either by email or phone call so I could have my questions answered of why she did what she did to me all those years ago. Phyllis’ sister Zina Gelona has been acting as a reluctant go-between telling me what Phyllis has said. The most recent message relayed was that a photo I had posted on my page of Phyllis that she had taken and sent to me she wanted removed from my page. In the foggy mindset that preceded all these memories now coming back I had posted the photo and it wasn’t until I went back and read the email the photo arrived with that I realized Phyllis had requested I never post the photo on my website. Truly, I had forgotten that request just the same as the memories of years ago had been forgotten until today. That’s the truth. That’s the power that this girl who was once my everything has had over me. The girl that was to become my wife when I turned 18 and returned to Kentucky to marry her, but within weeks of my return she suddenly went before a justice of the peace and married Patrick James Hickey, who had been known by all as the biggest asshole jerk in school. It’s hard to write these words at this moment because all these memories are flooding in as vividly as it happened yesterday.
The reason for my return to Kentucky….I’m searching for words to describe it. I fell into a pit of despair. She was gone. No longer my fiancé, but now the stark legal reality I had to face was she was another man’s wife. My mission a failure I decided to return to my family in Florida and that’s when I began to self destruct. The intense heartache and pain I experienced I somehow had to survive, but how? Friends would say that all wounds heal in time and time will help you to forget. Some of that was true, but little did I know, at that time as a young 18-year-old man, extensive psychological trauma was more in charge of the healing and forgetting that I consciously was. Honestly, I do not know how I managed to survive that time if not for the support of some really close friends.
I’ve pleaded and pleaded with Phyllis through messaging with her sister Zina and through this website to please explain to me why she hurt me so deeply several times, but still I receive no reply from Phyllis. So, now, once again in my life I enter uncharted waters so-to-speak, but this time I am equipped with a roadmap. I know I could go and speak with some of my therapist friends in the area and maybe I will, but what I have found to be most helpful over the years is to write. Now, that all the memories have returned I don’t want them all to disappear in a puff of smoke like they did 40 years ago when my life became another life out of the need for survival. So today, I will resume my blog to Phyllis. I’m not a malicious or vengeful person so I don’t want my actions to be perceived by anyone as such, but I know there is but one way to truly heal and with the help of Phyllis giving me the answers I need I have to heal as best I can my own way.
After that dream this morning, waking up traumatized, and having all these memories just fall out of a box that has been locked for 40 years has made me feel so sad. There is a darkness surrounding me, and I know this darkness well. It’s the very darkness of suicidal feelings that Phyllis drove me to more than once in my life. In the Bible we are told of the husband and wife, “And two shall become one”. In the Hebrew language the word for “One” is Echad. My soul had already fused with Phyllis and we had already become one, but then she tore us apart and ever since that time I’ve felt like I’ve only been a half of a person. The other half of me went on about her life no caring about how she ruined mine.
I need to resume my blog about Phyllis and what she did to me. I feel it’s the only way I’m going to be able to take the steps need to hold on after this most recent time of rejection from her. Just so my readers know a bit of the back story Phyllis has begun phoning me and emailing me back in 2007 and she went on at length about understanding what a mistake she had made marrying Patrick Hickey and that I was the only guy she ever loved. For two years we emailed back and forth and had some phone calls and I just let her unload on me about her horrible life of terror with an abusive man. It was not an easy situation for me to deal with. Part of me was overjoyed she was contacting me because it gave me hope she would leave him and her and I would have a chance to reconnect and repair our relationship. When you are dealing with a woman who has been abused in a marriage for decades however the success rate is very low that the abused woman will leave the abusive husband. I tried to help her formulate a plan of escape. I recently found out from her sister that all of her siblings at one time or another offered their support to help her leave Patrick Hickey, but time after time she’d return to him. The only thing I can imagine was that she didn’t want to divide the assets from the marriage and the only way to get everything would be to outlive her abuser if possible.
So, here I am. I’m a survivor. I don’t feel like much of a survivor though because like a soldier in war I have not come home in one piece. It’s time to delve deeply into what has happened and tell the true story of myself and Phyllis Hogan. The new blog to Phyllis doing just that will begin today. I fear the memories I blocked out so many years ago may just return to whatever hidden place they resided in for all these years and I feel an urgency to begin, in the least, a bullet list of memories that may allow for them not all to vanish again.
I do not know what to expect as I proceed, but I will take you all along with me. At this moment I will thank many of you in advance. Those who may be reading my page for the first time and those of you who have been following my story for years. I have appreciated all the emails from you all that have truly made this road less traveled a bit easier. See you at the new blog!
23 September 2021
Hey Bright Eyes, I got into a bit of a tiff with your go-between the Warrior Princess today lol about a photo of you that I deleted from my blog and even deleted the blog page itself. I think it’s simply just a vestigial photo what will be deleted from Google Images once their web crawler see’s the page no longer exists. It may take a few weeks. I reported to Google I wanted them to remove the photo and that’s the most I can do.
I’m sorry if you are upset about it, but I’ve done all I can do to right the situation.
I have an idea. Like I’m the brainy one here with all the great ideas? lol Why don’t you just have one of your siblings purchase an extra phone on their cell phone carrier account and give the phone to you to use? You can keep it locked up at work and you can contact me on it and the old coot will never have to know. I can’t go on like this. You are killing me. All I want is for us to be able to communicate like adults. I became a psychotherapist to help other people to communicate, but the irony is the person I want to communicate with the most in life is holding me at arms length and I think it’s causing me to short circuit.
I have worked hard to put you out of mind as best I can, but it doesn’t work because his boy never stopped loving you and no other woman could ever take your place. If I don’t have a snowflake’s chance in hell with you one day then you need to just say so and I’ll go away forever and that will give me the closure I need, but if you tell me that then I need answers to the questions that will give me closure. I need to know if you were trying to SAVE US by trying to get me to have sex with you at age 17 so you’d become pregnant and you could hold onto me. Is that what it was all about? You need to explain those actions because in hindsight it all seems it could have been your plan because I remember you showing me your monthly cycle calendar and it was very strange that day when I was visiting you that your mother left us alone in the house while she went out to the grocery or wherever and you immediately told me to come up to your bedroom and when we got there you threw yourself on the bed and asked me to make love to you. It was a good plan, but I was just too much of a “good boy” to have sex before our wedding night. I wanted our love story to be perfect with no stain on it. It all that was your plan to keep me you could have just told me and I would have been game to run off to anyplace that would have allowed us to marry at 17 and 16. You just didn’t let me in on your big plan, and now I need to know in my heart if that was really what you were trying to accomplish that day. Was it a desperate attempt to save us? I have been so tortured by this all these years. I’m not ashamed to say I never stopped loving you, never forgot you, and I never gave myself to another woman. You know the rest of the story where I tried to bury my pain in other ways of coping being without you. Now, I’ve got enough years behind me to know that my mother was in part correct when she said she felt I tried to lose myself in an alternative lifestyle because you left me. I’m not blaming you. I never would. I take full responsibility always for all my mistakes. I am thankful to have gone through a lot of healing work, but at the end of the day the chaff is gone and the wheat remains. That kernel of truth is that the young man you let go never, never, never stopped loving you and even if all I got to have with you are some golden years spent in the same nursing home together they would be the best years of my life.
Please though, be merciful to me. Tell me there is no chance for me or tell me to wait for you. II have to know. I can’t go on like this. Your emails of love you sent me during 2007-2009 gave me the hope that burns in my heart today.
I will find the grace to accept you decision even if it’s the one that will hurt deeply after all these years of hoping.
14 September 2021
So, “Anna”… I’m getting used to writing my thoughts to you here. I feel it was a bit of a shame to take down the other pages where I had journaled to you, but I realized I needed to follow your directions to use the pseudonym of “Anna” for you and because going through the entries and changing everything over to “Anna” would have been a long and tedious chore I just decided to hit delete and start over.
You know, I only recently began reading our emails again that we wrote 2007-2009. I guess you had to delete all those emails, but I kept every one and cherish them because you wrote to me that you still love me, and have thought of me so often over the years after having had made that mistake with “the old coot” as you call him. You know I hadn’t been able to return and read those emails for years because when you stopped writing me I was very sad again. It’s still a bit sad now to read them and feel how close you were to perhaps leaving the old coot, but more than sadness, now when I read them I feel hope renewed by your words therein. I know the innocent, perfect, and true love we found together has still remained flickering in your heart as in mine all these years. If you are the girl I thought I knew back then I know she still survives today, and one day when we see each other again it will be so effortless and simple to just pick up the joy we used to feel together long ago. All the time between will seem like nothing. It will all be gone forever in the past, and we won’t sorrowfully remind ourselves of the time apart. We’ll just be glad that the special love we had was true enough to survive the years apart. We will hold hands again and walk in the park and your eyes will make the skies blue again.
If I have done anything that has hurt you or upset you I want to apologize. I want you to know I’m sorry for anything I may have done that you may feel has wronged you. I hope you can forgive me and my human failings.
13 September 2021
Today was a tough day for me. I cried a lot. Since this COVID pandemic started nearly two years ago I have prided myself in sharing that staying at home has not really changed myself lifestyle. I tell people I grew up on a farm for most of my young years so I’m used to my home being my castle. I’m still a homebody today enjoying my garden that I water every morning, I enjoy being retired with time to spend doing that and studying, cooking, etc. The other day I made blackberry jam. Homemade tastes so much better than the store-bought stuff.
Anyway, today was kinda hard because it was an emotional day for me. I had to let go of something today. I know a lot of my readers have been following a separate blog I had on this site about the girl I was supposed to marry when I was 18. I’m gonna call her “Anna” as that is what she asked to use instead of her real name. Some years back from 2007-2009 we had resumed communicating after a lot of years. I had written things about her using her real name elsewhere on this site, but today I took all that down and from now on will just write about here as “Anna” here. It was an emotional day leading up to this decision because I allowed myself for the first time since 2009 to go back and read through the many emails we exchanged. Allow me to explain a bit more.
“Anna” I had met when we were 14 and began dating, fell in love, and were going to get married. Before our dreams could be realized, my widowed mother got married again and moved my family 1000 miles away and to make the long story short “Anna’s” feelings for me were unable to survive the time needed before I could return to her at age 18 and we become married. I returned to my home state anyway at age 18 still determined we’d accomplish what we had promised to do. Just several weeks after my return “Anna” ran off and had a quickie justice of the peace marriage to a guy I knew as the most psycho evil guy in our school. I was devastated all over again. Years past and I had kept in touch a couple times with her sister and many times with her mother. I kept hoping the disastrous marriage would fall apart and “Anna” would return to me. It didn’t happen because this psycho dude she married had her so mentally abused she was afraid for her life if she tried to leave him. She found me on the Internet and began email me in 2007 and we corresponded a lot over the next two years. She admitted how she was thinking of me on the day she married the psycho. She told me how much she still loved me and that I was the only person that had ever made her feel loved. I tried to convince her of how she could safely get away from her captor and we’d pick up our lives together and be happily-ever-after. She became frightened and fearful of him finding her out and she feared for her life, and so the easy thing for her to do was to stop writing me.
I had to go through another withdrawal almost as painful as the one a couple decades before had been. I tried to close the door on that part of my life, but it was really to no avail. I had begun writing my memoires and she was a big part of my life. Another decade rolls slowly past and she still preyed upon my mind. By inspiration from another author my memoire evolved into an autobiographical novel that focused on this present life and imagined other lifetimes “Anna” had spent together as romantic soul mates.
So, that’s where we are today. Today I decided to take down the other pages about her and her photo’s because firstly and foremost I knew she didn’t want her story known. She will simply be known as “Anna” from now on.
I think perhaps I’m finally beginning to lose hope. Nearly two years I’ve cheated death during this COVID pandemic. I’m one of those people who cannot get vaccinated for medical reasons. As many of my readers know I have an XO/XY Mosaic chromosome pattern because of that pattern if I took the vaccine I’d probably get blood clots all over my body and I’d be dead. Yeah, so, near two years of trying to stayed distanced, masked, safe, has not been so bad, but I guess everybody has their own breaking point. I’ve been trying to stay as positive and safe as possible, but the truth be known all it takes is only tiny breach and with the lung condition I have I’d be a goner in a matter of days.
So, this is what has me down. The thought of never seeing the girl I’ve loved with all my heart for my entire life I may not get to see again before I die. All these years I been thinking that just maybe the evil bastard she’d married would die and go to hell and she’d finally be free and I’d see her again. Well, now with COVID and my 6th decade nearing I’ve just begun to lose the hope I’d had for years.
“Anna”, know that I’m sorry for adding stress and worry to your life with my website. I hope you might understand that it was a cry for help. I guess I’ve finally started to crack a bit under the pressure of this prolonged deadly pandemic and I fear dying without ever being able to see you, touch you, and to hold you one more time and tell you that I have loved you all this time and that your love was the only beautiful thing that ever came into my life. If I could only hold you once more and know that you loved me I’d die a happy man.
I don’t think I’ll ever get that chance now so forgive me for succumbing to desperation. I know you’ve heard the old saying that every day is a gift. How precious is that knowing now. It’s almost as if every hour is precious. I do my best to be safe. I only leave the house once a week to buy food and then I spend the next several days trying to worry about any symptoms appearing from exposure to COVID. It’s as if it’s come down to living from week to week.
I’ve discussed with my friend that I go to the grocery with that I will just began having my groceries delivered. I wish I could somehow hear from you, Bright Eyes.
15 August 2021
I was out watering my garden this morning before the sunrise when quite a beautiful phenomenon occurred. I should have ran inside and grabbed my camera so I had a photo to place here, but I don’t think a photo in this case could take the place of a thousand words.
The sun has not yet risen above the mountains so I became very perplexed when all around me a peach colored bright light filled my garden. When the light came I was bending over filling my watering can. Because I keep the word of our Lord Yeshua in my heart I immediately became aware. I was nearly afraid to look up to see where this beautiful mysterious light was coming from. As I turned my eyes towards the heavens I saw something we rarely see here in the desert. A beautiful cloud was positioned directly above me and was illuminated a beautiful peach color. I looked back down into my garden in wonder at how everything looked so lovely bathed in this peach light. I held out my hand to see the light on my skin and noticed the light was so bright it was casting a shadow. I enjoyed this lovely phenomenon for several minutes before the sun came up over the mountain and began to break through the trees. The lovely light began to fade, but my memory of it will not.
10 August 2021
13 July 2021
Today marks the 58th year since my conception in the womb. I learned something new today. The Christian world for some reason believes from their interpretation of the 9th Chapter of Daniel that it’s the anti-Messiah that will confirm a covenant with many for a week and thing bring about the abomination of desolation in the midst of the week. This “week” becomes the 7-year Tribulation period that is separated into two 3.5 year periods by that abomination of desolation. I’m thinking this is all an incorrect interpretation. Time to seek more truth.
24 June 2021
Link to the Alex Jones video exposing the for profit COVID-19 virus/vaccine planned-demic conspiracy expose video https://www.infowars.com/posts/smoking-gun-one-month-before-covid-outbreak-fauci-moderna-sent-mrna-coronavirus-vaccine-candidates-to-wuhan-lab-linked-doctor/
20 June 2021 – Review: AdvancedBionutritionals.com “Advanced Memory Formula”
Because of some pain in my lower back from what a doctor diagnosed as degenerative disks he prescribed a gabapentin drug called Lyrica that I took for several years and it had some side effects that became debilitating both mentally and physically. First side effect was I was dizzy all the time when walking. Then the memory problems began and got to the point I was constantly running around in circles multi-tasking out of necessity because I was having a bad case of remembering what I’d just come into a room to do or get. I just told myself that I’d move onto another task till when and if my memory got jogged and I could return to doing what I had forgotten.
In April 2021 I watched one of those advertisements that interrupt the videos you watch on Youtube and it was about the memory supplement Advance Memory Formula. Feeling desperate, I ordered one bottle of the product to see if it would help me. It did! The first thing I noticed was my ability to remember my dreams came back to me. Then my moment to moment memory problem began to clear up. I feel like my pre-Lyrica brain has returned and so I’m pleased to recommend to others they give Advanced Memory Formula or even another supplement with the same ingredients a try. I say that because I don’t want anybody to think I’m pushing any companies product for any type of compensation for a good review on what I feel is an over-priced supplement at $39.95 a bottle plus shipping and handling.
My 60-capusule bottle is down to the last few pills and I’m gonna wait before buying more to see if I keep or lose my memory ability that has returned to me the last couple months. I’ll be updating this review to let you all know what I find out.
19 June 2021
More evidence that violence on January 6 at the U.S. Capitol building was all planned by the G_dless Sodomite Democrat party of leftist Communists.
So, here is a link to an Alex Jones video with tons of real time video evidence tha the Jan. 6 breach of our Capitol was a Democrat planned event.
If all you ever watch is the Sodomite news from radical leftist Communists like Rachel Maddow, Don Lemon, Sheppard Smith, among others then you will never know the truth of what’s really going on. These people have a Sodomite agenda that is all part of aiding the Globalist takeover of the USA and the Democrats gladly support these types of people who cannot reproduce together because the New World Order has been working with big pharma to reduce the population of our planet. These murderous Sodomites pushed the sexual revolution that was against families. The support the government created diet that causes arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure, Alzheimer’s, etc., etc., with the same goal of getting you dead quicker all the while feeding you their drugs that help kill you.
I’ve always thought if they really want to bring the planet population down to save the planet and our species then why not do public service announcements on television education people on population destroying our home and encouraging people to have one child or adopting the millions of homeless children on the planet? True, there are those that would turn a deaf ear to such pleas, but a respectable plan to bring down population has to happen. Wars and creation of bioweapons like HIV, Ebola, and COVID-19 are not nice ways to bring down our population.
14 June 2021
Why does Joe Biden have fake Marines guarding the entrances to the White House?
Facebook will not allow any links from the free speech website www.Brighton.com. Facebook doesn’t like the world knowing the truth. https://www.brighteon.com/3546e10a-a772-4e17-afde-cbb98b3ea1a6