28 September 2021
Have I mentioned I have not taken the COVID vaccine? I’m one of those people that have been advised by my doctors that I should not take any of the vaccines because due to my XO/XY Mosaic chromosome pattern I am one of those people at high risk of forming fatal blood clots from the vaccine. World-wide there have been many thousands of death from blood clots after receiving the vaccine and the numbers continue to rise. I know the possibility exists that I could catch COVID and it would be fatal for me in a matter of days because I have lung damage from a nerve pain drug I once took called Gabapentin/Lyrica. I know that any of us could go at any time from something as simple as heart failure, heart attack, or stroke, but those have a better survival rate than COVID. It’s an ugly new world I live in now where I live under the pressure that something as simple as going to the grocery could cost me my life. I guess I have a bit of an easier time than most adjusting to isolation as I grew up in a type of isolated life on a farm. I’m not on a farm now however. I live in a home with only patio space for my garden. How I wish I was back home in Kentucky on the land that was my grandparents farm.
27 September 2021
The nightmares have begun again. The same nightmares I used to have when I was 16 after being hospitalized for a suicide attempt after my fiancé Phyllis Hogan sent me a letter telling me she never wanted to see me again.
This time the nightmares are worse because all the memories I have previously blocked as part of the post traumatic shock syndrome (PTSD) have now after 40 years coming flooding back all in exacting and vivid detail. For these past decades I could only remember what are called small flashbulb memories–an event here or there as if it were like a photo taken when you are stunned by the flashbulb of a camera and you remember nothing surrounding the time of the photo, but just that moment in time.
In my work as a psychotherapist I understood and taught this phenomenon that people went through after experiencing trauma how for many years memories they would have no access to certain memories and then one day some occurrence in their lives would allow all the memories to come back. Today I have experienced that phenomenon now for myself. Now I know what my patients have felt. Everyone’s memories of traumatic events that return to them are different, but the similarity is in how the individuals then experience the full emotional impact of the trauma all over again. I woke myself up this morning crying from the events of a dream that I assume is part of what unlocked the memories I’m buried so deep.
I imagine this has now happened due to the additional emotional trauma I’ve been experiencing since trying to re-establish contact with Phyllis. She has refused to contact me either by email or phone call so I could have my questions answered of why she did what she did to me all those years ago. Phyllis’ sister Zina Gelona has been acting as a reluctant go-between telling me what Phyllis has said. The most recent message relayed was that a photo I had posted on my page of Phyllis that she had taken and sent to me she wanted removed from my page. In the foggy mindset that preceded all these memories now coming back I had posted the photo and it wasn’t until I went back and read the email the photo arrived with that I realized Phyllis had requested I never post the photo on my website. Truly, I had forgotten that request just the same as the memories of years ago had been forgotten until today. That’s the truth. That’s the power that this girl who was once my everything has had over me. The girl that was to become my wife when I turned 18 and returned to Kentucky to marry her, but within weeks of my return she suddenly went before a justice of the peace and married Patrick James Hickey, who had been known by all as the biggest asshole jerk in school. It’s hard to write these words at this moment because all these memories are flooding in as vividly as it happened yesterday.
The reason for my return to Kentucky….I’m searching for words to describe it. I fell into a pit of despair. She was gone. No longer my fiancé, but now the stark legal reality I had to face was she was another man’s wife. My mission a failure I decided to return to my family in Florida and that’s when I began to self destruct. The intense heartache and pain I experienced I somehow had to survive, but how? Friends would say that all wounds heal in time and time will help you to forget. Some of that was true, but little did I know, at that time as a young 18-year-old man, extensive psychological trauma was more in charge of the healing and forgetting that I consciously was. Honestly, I do not know how I managed to survive that time if not for the support of some really close friends.
I’ve pleaded and pleaded with Phyllis through messaging with her sister Zina and through this website to please explain to me why she hurt me so deeply several times, but still I receive no reply from Phyllis. So, now, once again in my life I enter uncharted waters so-to-speak, but this time I am equipped with a roadmap. I know I could go and speak with some of my therapist friends in the area and maybe I will, but what I have found to be most helpful over the years is to write. Now, that all the memories have returned I don’t want them all to disappear in a puff of smoke like they did 40 years ago when my life became another life out of the need for survival. So today, I will resume my blog to Phyllis. I’m not a malicious or vengeful person so I don’t want my actions to be perceived by anyone as such, but I know there is but one way to truly heal and with the help of Phyllis giving me the answers I need I have to heal as best I can my own way.
After that dream this morning, waking up traumatized, and having all these memories just fall out of a box that has been locked for 40 years has made me feel so sad. There is a darkness surrounding me, and I know this darkness well. It’s the very darkness of suicidal feelings that Phyllis drove me to more than once in my life. In the Bible we are told of the husband and wife, “And two shall become one”. In the Hebrew language the word for “One” is Echad. My soul had already fused with Phyllis and we had already become one, but then she tore us apart and ever since that time I’ve felt like I’ve only been a half of a person. The other half of me went on about her life no caring about how she ruined mine.
I need to resume my blog about Phyllis and what she did to me. I feel it’s the only way I’m going to be able to take the steps need to hold on after this most recent time of rejection from her. Just so my readers know a bit of the back story Phyllis has begun phoning me and emailing me back in 2007 and she went on at length about understanding what a mistake she had made marrying Patrick Hickey and that I was the only guy she ever loved. For two years we emailed back and forth and had some phone calls and I just let her unload on me about her horrible life of terror with an abusive man. It was not an easy situation for me to deal with. Part of me was overjoyed she was contacting me because it gave me hope she would leave him and her and I would have a chance to reconnect and repair our relationship. When you are dealing with a woman who has been abused in a marriage for decades however the success rate is very low that the abused woman will leave the abusive husband. I tried to help her formulate a plan of escape. I recently found out from her sister that all of her siblings at one time or another offered their support to help her leave Patrick Hickey, but time after time she’d return to him. The only thing I can imagine was that she didn’t want to divide the assets from the marriage and the only way to get everything would be to outlive her abuser if possible.
So, here I am. I’m a survivor. I don’t feel like much of a survivor though because like a soldier in war I have not come home in one piece. It’s time to delve deeply into what has happened and tell the true story of myself and Phyllis Hogan. The new blog to Phyllis doing just that will begin today. I fear the memories I blocked out so many years ago may just return to whatever hidden place they resided in for all these years and I feel an urgency to begin, in the least, a bullet list of memories that may allow for them not all to vanish again.
I do not know what to expect as I proceed, but I will take you all along with me. At this moment I will thank many of you in advance. Those who may be reading my page for the first time and those of you who have been following my story for years. I have appreciated all the emails from you all that have truly made this road less traveled a bit easier. See you at the new blog!
23 September 2021
Hey Bright Eyes, I got into a bit of a tiff with your go-between the Warrior Princess today lol about a photo of you that I deleted from my blog and even deleted the blog page itself. I think it’s simply just a vestigial photo what will be deleted from Google Images once their web crawler see’s the page no longer exists. It may take a few weeks. I reported to Google I wanted them to remove the photo and that’s the most I can do.
I’m sorry if you are upset about it, but I’ve done all I can do to right the situation.
I have an idea. Like I’m the brainy one here with all the great ideas? lol Why don’t you just have one of your siblings purchase an extra phone on their cell phone carrier account and give the phone to you to use? You can keep it locked up at work and you can contact me on it and the old coot will never have to know. I can’t go on like this. You are killing me. All I want is for us to be able to communicate like adults. I became a psychotherapist to help other people to communicate, but the irony is the person I want to communicate with the most in life is holding me at arms length and I think it’s causing me to short circuit.
I have worked hard to put you out of mind as best I can, but it doesn’t work because his boy never stopped loving you and no other woman could ever take your place. If I don’t have a snowflake’s chance in hell with you one day then you need to just say so and I’ll go away forever and that will give me the closure I need, but if you tell me that then I need answers to the questions that will give me closure. I need to know if you were trying to SAVE US by trying to get me to have sex with you at age 17 so you’d become pregnant and you could hold onto me. Is that what it was all about? You need to explain those actions because in hindsight it all seems it could have been your plan because I remember you showing me your monthly cycle calendar and it was very strange that day when I was visiting you that your mother left us alone in the house while she went out to the grocery or wherever and you immediately told me to come up to your bedroom and when we got there you threw yourself on the bed and asked me to make love to you. It was a good plan, but I was just too much of a “good boy” to have sex before our wedding night. I wanted our love story to be perfect with no stain on it. It all that was your plan to keep me you could have just told me and I would have been game to run off to anyplace that would have allowed us to marry at 17 and 16. You just didn’t let me in on your big plan, and now I need to know in my heart if that was really what you were trying to accomplish that day. Was it a desperate attempt to save us? I have been so tortured by this all these years. I’m not ashamed to say I never stopped loving you, never forgot you, and I never gave myself to another woman. You know the rest of the story where I tried to bury my pain in other ways of coping being without you. Now, I’ve got enough years behind me to know that my mother was in part correct when she said she felt I tried to lose myself in an alternative lifestyle because you left me. I’m not blaming you. I never would. I take full responsibility always for all my mistakes. I am thankful to have gone through a lot of healing work, but at the end of the day the chaff is gone and the wheat remains. That kernel of truth is that the young man you let go never, never, never stopped loving you and even if all I got to have with you are some golden years spent in the same nursing home together they would be the best years of my life.
Please though, be merciful to me. Tell me there is no chance for me or tell me to wait for you. II have to know. I can’t go on like this. Your emails of love you sent me during 2007-2009 gave me the hope that burns in my heart today.
I will find the grace to accept you decision even if it’s the one that will hurt deeply after all these years of hoping.
14 September 2021
So, “Anna”… I’m getting used to writing my thoughts to you here. I feel it was a bit of a shame to take down the other pages where I had journaled to you, but I realized I needed to follow your directions to use the pseudonym of “Anna” for you and because going through the entries and changing everything over to “Anna” would have been a long and tedious chore I just decided to hit delete and start over.
You know, I only recently began reading our emails again that we wrote 2007-2009. I guess you had to delete all those emails, but I kept every one and cherish them because you wrote to me that you still love me, and have thought of me so often over the years after having had made that mistake with “the old coot” as you call him. You know I hadn’t been able to return and read those emails for years because when you stopped writing me I was very sad again. It’s still a bit sad now to read them and feel how close you were to perhaps leaving the old coot, but more than sadness, now when I read them I feel hope renewed by your words therein. I know the innocent, perfect, and true love we found together has still remained flickering in your heart as in mine all these years. If you are the girl I thought I knew back then I know she still survives today, and one day when we see each other again it will be so effortless and simple to just pick up the joy we used to feel together long ago. All the time between will seem like nothing. It will all be gone forever in the past, and we won’t sorrowfully remind ourselves of the time apart. We’ll just be glad that the special love we had was true enough to survive the years apart. We will hold hands again and walk in the park and your eyes will make the skies blue again.
If I have done anything that has hurt you or upset you I want to apologize. I want you to know I’m sorry for anything I may have done that you may feel has wronged you. I hope you can forgive me and my human failings.
13 September 2021
Today was a tough day for me. I cried a lot. Since this COVID pandemic started nearly two years ago I have prided myself in sharing that staying at home has not really changed myself lifestyle. I tell people I grew up on a farm for most of my young years so I’m used to my home being my castle. I’m still a homebody today enjoying my garden that I water every morning, I enjoy being retired with time to spend doing that and studying, cooking, etc. The other day I made blackberry jam. Homemade tastes so much better than the store-bought stuff.
Anyway, today was kinda hard because it was an emotional day for me. I had to let go of something today. I know a lot of my readers have been following a separate blog I had on this site about the girl I was supposed to marry when I was 18. I’m gonna call her “Anna” as that is what she asked to use instead of her real name. Some years back from 2007-2009 we had resumed communicating after a lot of years. I had written things about her using her real name elsewhere on this site, but today I took all that down and from now on will just write about here as “Anna” here. It was an emotional day leading up to this decision because I allowed myself for the first time since 2009 to go back and read through the many emails we exchanged. Allow me to explain a bit more.
“Anna” I had met when we were 14 and began dating, fell in love, and were going to get married. Before our dreams could be realized, my widowed mother got married again and moved my family 1000 miles away and to make the long story short “Anna’s” feelings for me were unable to survive the time needed before I could return to her at age 18 and we become married. I returned to my home state anyway at age 18 still determined we’d accomplish what we had promised to do. Just several weeks after my return “Anna” ran off and had a quickie justice of the peace marriage to a guy I knew as the most psycho evil guy in our school. I was devastated all over again. Years past and I had kept in touch a couple times with her sister and many times with her mother. I kept hoping the disastrous marriage would fall apart and “Anna” would return to me. It didn’t happen because this psycho dude she married had her so mentally abused she was afraid for her life if she tried to leave him. She found me on the Internet and began email me in 2007 and we corresponded a lot over the next two years. She admitted how she was thinking of me on the day she married the psycho. She told me how much she still loved me and that I was the only person that had ever made her feel loved. I tried to convince her of how she could safely get away from her captor and we’d pick up our lives together and be happily-ever-after. She became frightened and fearful of him finding her out and she feared for her life, and so the easy thing for her to do was to stop writing me.
I had to go through another withdrawal almost as painful as the one a couple decades before had been. I tried to close the door on that part of my life, but it was really to no avail. I had begun writing my memoires and she was a big part of my life. Another decade rolls slowly past and she still preyed upon my mind. By inspiration from another author my memoire evolved into an autobiographical novel that focused on this present life and imagined other lifetimes “Anna” had spent together as romantic soul mates.
So, that’s where we are today. Today I decided to take down the other pages about her and her photo’s because firstly and foremost I knew she didn’t want her story known. She will simply be known as “Anna” from now on.
I think perhaps I’m finally beginning to lose hope. Nearly two years I’ve cheated death during this COVID pandemic. I’m one of those people who cannot get vaccinated for medical reasons. As many of my readers know I have an XO/XY Mosaic chromosome pattern because of that pattern if I took the vaccine I’d probably get blood clots all over my body and I’d be dead. Yeah, so, near two years of trying to stayed distanced, masked, safe, has not been so bad, but I guess everybody has their own breaking point. I’ve been trying to stay as positive and safe as possible, but the truth be known all it takes is only tiny breach and with the lung condition I have I’d be a goner in a matter of days.
So, this is what has me down. The thought of never seeing the girl I’ve loved with all my heart for my entire life I may not get to see again before I die. All these years I been thinking that just maybe the evil bastard she’d married would die and go to hell and she’d finally be free and I’d see her again. Well, now with COVID and my 6th decade nearing I’ve just begun to lose the hope I’d had for years.
“Anna”, know that I’m sorry for adding stress and worry to your life with my website. I hope you might understand that it was a cry for help. I guess I’ve finally started to crack a bit under the pressure of this prolonged deadly pandemic and I fear dying without ever being able to see you, touch you, and to hold you one more time and tell you that I have loved you all this time and that your love was the only beautiful thing that ever came into my life. If I could only hold you once more and know that you loved me I’d die a happy man.
I don’t think I’ll ever get that chance now so forgive me for succumbing to desperation. I know you’ve heard the old saying that every day is a gift. How precious is that knowing now. It’s almost as if every hour is precious. I do my best to be safe. I only leave the house once a week to buy food and then I spend the next several days trying to worry about any symptoms appearing from exposure to COVID. It’s as if it’s come down to living from week to week.
I’ve discussed with my friend that I go to the grocery with that I will just began having my groceries delivered. I wish I could somehow hear from you, Bright Eyes.
15 August 2021
I was out watering my garden this morning before the sunrise when quite a beautiful phenomenon occurred. I should have ran inside and grabbed my camera so I had a photo to place here, but I don’t think a photo in this case could take the place of a thousand words.
The sun has not yet risen above the mountains so I became very perplexed when all around me a peach colored bright light filled my garden. When the light came I was bending over filling my watering can. Because I keep the word of our Lord Yeshua in my heart I immediately became aware. I was nearly afraid to look up to see where this beautiful mysterious light was coming from. As I turned my eyes towards the heavens I saw something we rarely see here in the desert. A beautiful cloud was positioned directly above me and was illuminated a beautiful peach color. I looked back down into my garden in wonder at how everything looked so lovely bathed in this peach light. I held out my hand to see the light on my skin and noticed the light was so bright it was casting a shadow. I enjoyed this lovely phenomenon for several minutes before the sun came up over the mountain and began to break through the trees. The lovely light began to fade, but my memory of it will not.
10 August 2021
13 July 2021
Today marks the 58th year since my conception in the womb. I learned something new today. The Christian world for some reason believes from their interpretation of the 9th Chapter of Daniel that it’s the anti-Messiah that will confirm a covenant with many for a week and thing bring about the abomination of desolation in the midst of the week. This “week” becomes the 7-year Tribulation period that is separated into two 3.5 year periods by that abomination of desolation. I’m thinking this is all an incorrect interpretation. Time to seek more truth.
24 June 2021
Link to the Alex Jones video exposing the for profit COVID-19 virus/vaccine planned-demic conspiracy expose video https://www.infowars.com/posts/smoking-gun-one-month-before-covid-outbreak-fauci-moderna-sent-mrna-coronavirus-vaccine-candidates-to-wuhan-lab-linked-doctor/
20 June 2021 – Review: AdvancedBionutritionals.com “Advanced Memory Formula”
Because of some pain in my lower back from what a doctor diagnosed as degenerative disks he prescribed a gabapentin drug called Lyrica that I took for several years and it had some side effects that became debilitating both mentally and physically. First side effect was I was dizzy all the time when walking. Then the memory problems began and got to the point I was constantly running around in circles multi-tasking out of necessity because I was having a bad case of remembering what I’d just come into a room to do or get. I just told myself that I’d move onto another task till when and if my memory got jogged and I could return to doing what I had forgotten.
In April 2021 I watched one of those advertisements that interrupt the videos you watch on Youtube and it was about the memory supplement Advance Memory Formula. Feeling desperate, I ordered one bottle of the product to see if it would help me. It did! The first thing I noticed was my ability to remember my dreams came back to me. Then my moment to moment memory problem began to clear up. I feel like my pre-Lyrica brain has returned and so I’m pleased to recommend to others they give Advanced Memory Formula or even another supplement with the same ingredients a try. I say that because I don’t want anybody to think I’m pushing any companies product for any type of compensation for a good review on what I feel is an over-priced supplement at $39.95 a bottle plus shipping and handling.
My 60-capusule bottle is down to the last few pills and I’m gonna wait before buying more to see if I keep or lose my memory ability that has returned to me the last couple months. I’ll be updating this review to let you all know what I find out.
19 June 2021
More evidence that violence on January 6 at the U.S. Capitol building was all planned by the G_dless Sodomite Democrat party of leftist Communists.
So, here is a link to an Alex Jones video with tons of real time video evidence tha the Jan. 6 breach of our Capitol was a Democrat planned event.
If all you ever watch is the Sodomite news from radical leftist Communists like Rachel Maddow, Don Lemon, Sheppard Smith, among others then you will never know the truth of what’s really going on. These people have a Sodomite agenda that is all part of aiding the Globalist takeover of the USA and the Democrats gladly support these types of people who cannot reproduce together because the New World Order has been working with big pharma to reduce the population of our planet. These murderous Sodomites pushed the sexual revolution that was against families. The support the government created diet that causes arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure, Alzheimer’s, etc., etc., with the same goal of getting you dead quicker all the while feeding you their drugs that help kill you.
I’ve always thought if they really want to bring the planet population down to save the planet and our species then why not do public service announcements on television education people on population destroying our home and encouraging people to have one child or adopting the millions of homeless children on the planet? True, there are those that would turn a deaf ear to such pleas, but a respectable plan to bring down population has to happen. Wars and creation of bioweapons like HIV, Ebola, and COVID-19 are not nice ways to bring down our population.
14 June 2021
Why does Joe Biden have fake Marines guarding the entrances to the White House?
Facebook will not allow any links from the free speech website www.Brighton.com. Facebook doesn’t like the world knowing the truth. https://www.brighteon.com/3546e10a-a772-4e17-afde-cbb98b3ea1a6