This blog is my goodbye blog to Phyllis. A friend posted the following meme on her social media page knowing I’d see it as a message that I need to move on.
I never wanted to give up hope, but I feel I’ve done all I can in this lifetime to regain the girl I’ve loved with all my heart. Someone once said, “If you love something, set it free. If it returns to you it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t return it never was yours. I haven’t wanted to believe I wasn’t special to her. I haven’t wanted to believe she never really loved me, but she was only looking for someone to latch onto as a way out. I’m truly sorry she chose to marry Patrick Hickey because he has been an abusive monster and made her life a living hell. Her choice also made my life a living hell in a lot of other ways. I know I’ll never truly get over her, but somethings you just try to not think of as best you can.
This journal I’ve decided to make a reverse order journal. That just means that you will need to scroll down to read the new entries instead of each new entry being at the top of the page. Why am I doing it this way? I don’t know.
27 September 2021
I woke myself up from a dream this morning crying. It was a dream about Phyllis. In the dream certain memories that I had not been able to remember for decades came flooding back to me, and upon awakening the memories just kept coming at me in waves. Trauma once caused all these memories to be blocked and locked away where I had no access to them. Now, trauma once again has allowed these memories to come out of hiding.
My head is spinning right now. This experience is still quite fresh having only awoken less than an hour ago and feeling an urgency to write about this memories before they might disappear again. Anybody who has ever suddenly regained memories they had lost will tell you its a very strange experience and it makes you feel lost. It’s very surreal. Somehow I hope that writing about these memories connected with Phyllis Hogan will help me find myself again. I definitely do not want to spiral into a dark depression where dead seems to be the only way out. I’ve been there before and actually had a near death experience that gave me the strength to live. While I’m thankful for that experience and my survival I cannot allow myself to go down that dark path to the brink of destruction again. People do not heal by keeping trauma bottled up inside. The only way to heal is to talk about your trauma. However, I want to make it clear this is not a cathartic writing. I’ve been in contact with two of Phyllis’ sisters and both have let me know that she doesn’t desire to talk to me. She may not talk to me, but I can talk to her through this website that I know she reads. At least I will be allowed to tell her what she did to me and how she changed my life forever, in some way good and in some ways bad. I know that in writing this I take the chance it will push her away from me forever, but that’s the chance I’ll have to take as she must know how I feel before this life of mine ends.
At this moment I need to step away and take a break, but I will return and write more later, perhaps tomorrow.
28 September 2021 – Well, here I am again. I can report that I had a good sleep last night and all the memories that came flooding back are still with me. I guess I somehow have the fear that the memories may slip back into that hidden place. They have not. I guess this is the new reality for me.
In yesterday’s writing I spoke of death and destruction. Phyllis and I had met as teens in school. Our friendship soon turned to love. Because it was still too soon for me to buy her an engagement ring I have her a larger circle of gold in the form of a bracelet for a Christmas gift. I think we had been dating about 7 months when my mother announced that her and her new husband had decided to move the family to Florida, hundred of miles south of Kentucky. What could we do? We were just 15 and not able to get married yet so we knew we had to ride out a few years till I could return to Kentucky when I turned 18 and take her for my bride. That first year we were distanced from each other we wrote letters everyday. Then one day a letter came from Phyllis that said she didn’t want me anymore.
I tried calling her on the phone and she refused to speak to me. I tried again and again, but she hung up on me and then stopped answering the phone. She was everything that had made my life worth living and now she was gone. I went to the cabinet in the kitchen where my parents kept a lot of pills and I emptied all the bottles into my stomach. My mother came out of her bedroom and saw all the empty bottles on the counter and I ran out the back door of the house with her shouting to my older brother to that I’d taken a lot of pills and to run after me. My heart was so full of pain. We lived near a main road with lots of fast traffic on it so I saw my chance to end it all quickly. I ran out in front of a car, but they managed to slam on their brakes and not hit me. I took off running down the road as my brother had come running after me. I had all this pain that I couldn’t escape and I didn’t know what to do. Was I just going to keep running or what? There was a large tree at the end of the road and I climbed up on it as the police arrived and were trying to talk me down. I’ll cut this story short with saying this was my first ever suicidal thoughts or attempt.
My mother had managed to make contact with Phyllis’ mother and tell her what had happened and let me know that Phyllis wanted me to call her. Apparently, she’d found out I tried to kill myself and so I guess she felt bad about dumping me and she took me back. It all wasn’t so cut and dry, but that was the outcome of our long talk. Some months later my family had arranged a trip up north to see relatives for the winter holidays. I imagine that trip was actually only arranged so I would have time to see Phyllis.
I’ll never forget that day in December when I went to visit Phyllis at her home with my heart in my hand and an engagement ring in my pocket. I really wanted to get things squared away with her and make sure we were still on track. She made me feel like she wasn’t sure she wanted to continue our relationship and I felt very much like a beggar wanting to know what had happened to her and how we could get our relationship back on track.
I remember sitting at the bottom of the stairs that lead up to a finished attic where her bedroom was. We sat there talking for a long time till I felt secure that she really wanted me and we would continue with our plans to be married. Her mother came through the hallway and announced she had to make a trip up to the grocery store. I thought nothing of it at the time, but during our entire relationship her mother had never left us alone in the house together. When her mom had left for the store Phyllis asked me to come upstairs. What happened next was really rather disturbing for me. As Phyllis entered her bedroom she laid down on the bed and said to me, “Make love to me”. As I had always dreamed that we wouldn’t go all the way till our wedding day this unexpected behavior from Phyllis became another one of those traumatic experiences that happened. I did my best to keep it together, but it felt like I’d just been punched in the stomach and all the wind was knocked out of me. It was like the world around me stood still while I was sinking into a dark hole. I couldn’t allow myself to get all emotional, but I know she saw the confusion and disappointment on my face as I responded, “Phyllis, this is something important. This is something we have to wait for our wedding night for.” I flat out refused to have sex with her then, and the engagement ring in my pocket never found it’s way out. I tried to reassure Phyllis that we only had a year to wait and I’d be 18 and I’d be back for her.
The next year was horrible. I struggled to hold onto her, but she seemed to struggle to be free of me. In her letters she’d write about guys who would come into the ice cream shop where she worked and how they’d chat her up and ask her out. The love I had for Phyllis was unconditional and solid. I felt she was the same so when she told me about going to a neighborhood carnival with a Native American guy who had come into the ice cream shop and asked her to go I didn’t think much about it. I didn’t want to act like a jealous idiot who doubted her commitment to me. Then she told me about going to to a bar called the Toy Tiger and getting drunk. I knew I wasn’t going to hold onto her by getting upset with her behavior or trying to control her. I was just trying to hold onto her till April when I turned 18 and could return to living in Kentucky.
My grandmother was very happy to have me come live with her. I flew into Louisville the day before my 18th birthday. I was so happy to be home again. I phoned Phyllis and let her know I’d arrived. My grandmother didn’t know all the details about my relationship with Phyllis. I imagine my mother had told her a lot, but I had not. There was just one phone in the house and of course my grandmother had to plant herself in the room every time I would call Phyllis. I didn’t yet have an automobile of my own so I had no way to go into Louisville to see Phyllis. For now, we had phone calls and I was trying hard to reassure Phyllis she was the reason I’d returned and that all the plans we’d made would happen. I had to be sure she was stable however because her behavior had been rather worrying. I’d committed myself to moving back, but before I could even think about asking my grandmother to invite her out I had to know we were on track again.
It’s not easy now to relive these memories and understand why I blocked them. I was trying to so hard to hold onto the girl I loved without doing anything that might push her further away. Now, I that I’ve found my voice I seem to be doing all the things that will make sure she never returns to me. It’s not what I want, but I’ve been living this hell because of Phyllis for over 40 years and if she wants to play games and not speak with me then that’s on her, but I can no longer be silent. Silence equals death. I’ve felt dead inside for too long.
Maybe I should have gotten angry with Phyllis and become threatening? Maybe I should have become physically abusive to show her how much I was in control of things. As someone who had grown up being treated like that I was programmed to be the exact opposite. My mother would drink and become mentally and physically abusive. When you grow up like that you learn quick how to avoid stirring up your abuser’s wrath. I became the good little boy who was always walking on egg shells trying to make sure I didn’t do anything to rock the boat. I wasn’t able to become accusatory, or jealous, or violent with Phyllis. I couldn’t be that kind of man, but it seems that’s the kind of man she wanted and ended up with. Could Phyllis be the kind of woman who needs an abusive man? Is that the reason she has never left him? I was told that all of her siblings offered to help her get away from him, but she’d only go so far and then she’d always return to him. Her mom hoped that she’d live long enough to see Phyllis leave Patrick, but that never happened. Her mom told me through the passing years more than once how she’s wished Phyllis had married me.
That day Phyllis tried to get me to have sex with her I believe was a set-up. For a long time I was naïve enough to think the whole moment was organic, but then I remembered Phyllis once showing me a calendar in the kitchen where she kept track of her monthly cycle. I now believe it was all planned for her to become pregnant so our wedding date would be a year earlier than planned.
Of course, these things are all just assumptions I’ve come to based on the clues. Phyllis has not confirmed anything because we have never got around to talking about the serious and destructive things she did that ended our relationship. I was too busy trying to do things to keep the relationship alive, and didn’t want to bring up difficult subjects that could be talked about another day after we were married. I tried to get some answers out of her when we were talking on the phone and emailing some years back in 2007-2009, but emails always made it easy to avoid responding to my questions. All these years and I’ve never gotten answers. It’s time I got the answers and receive some closure. I’ve suffered far too long.
It’s time for me to take a break from writing again. I’ll continue later.
29 September 2021
A friend just sent me this meme (below) this morning and it sure does make sense that in the last couple days I have had buried memories that I have not been able to access in many years now suddenly come to the surface. This really kinda freaks me out, because of what it says in Genesis 1:14 “And God said, “Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to distinguish between the day and the night, and let them be signs to mark the seasons and days and years. “
This feels like confirmation that it’s no coincidence I’m remembering these things about Phyllis and I at this time. Phyllis are you remembering things about how perfect our relationship was and how pure and satisfying our love was? Phyllis I know Patrick has been controlling your mind for decades and psychologically when this happens and one gives over to the control it becomes comforting–just do as he says and there won’t be any hell to pay. This is how all abusers control their victims. I’m not asking you to pack your bags, split the assets and divorce Patrick, but what I am asking is for you to be a responsible person to me and do the simple kindness you never did when your erratic behavior brought my whole life crashing down and had me hospitalized because I wanted my life to end. You owe me some answers even if you never want to see me again. All the hell I’ve been through in this life was because I was trying to escape the pain of you leaving me. I went to bizarre extremes to become a different person so I didn’t have to the be person you crushed. It took 20 years for me to get to a place where I could drop the disassociative identity I had created for myself before I could return to my true identity through the One who created me in the womb. To be clear, I simply want answers as to why you did what you did if you even understand your actions. Everything that happens on our lives happens for a reason to teach our souls things they need to know so in that way be sure I don’t have anger or blame towards you. I just want to understand it all and you hold the keys that unlock so many mysteries. Is emailing me like you once did too much to ask?
7 October 2021
Every year of my life since I have known you Phyllis when the month October rolls around it’s always a sad reminder that I don’t get to share your birthday on the 23rd with you. Instead, you spend it with a man who had done nothing but abuse you for decades and doesn’t love you, but has some weird obsession with you. Yeah, he may have married you, but it’s been no marriage. Where had been the joy, the children, the happiness. For some marriage can be a living hell and at least your marriage has indeed been a marriage in that way.
It’s really a disturbing feeling that you do not contact me. Three years have passed so unbelievably quick when I was in contact with your sister Joan Hogan Moser. I have her my email and phone number for you to contact me about signing off on some paperwork for my the book I’m having published about you. I wanted to publish the book with your approval and blessing, but it seems it will go to the publisher with out. I know some people want to sue people for things written about them in books, but I know you would never do that. All you are concerned with is Patrick Hickey never finds out about my book and the things I reveal in it about you and I.
Why would Joan lie and say that you do not have access to email. Everybody has email, yet she wrote this to me in 2018:
As I have said before, you could always have a phone you keep at work where you could call me from time to time, but you don’t do that? What has Patrick Hickey done to you to fill you with such fear of the chance of him finding out you are talking to me? All I can do is wonder and guess about your motivations since you have stopped contacting me. I know you don’t have feelings for your abuser, so the only thing left is that you are just hoping to outlive him. Your sister Zina told me that Patrick is ill and had diabetes so I guess you are just hoping he will die soon and leave you all the assets. Maybe if he were to find out you were talking to me and planning on us getting back together he would disinherit you and leave all the assets to his family before he dies and maybe even divorce you and leave you flat without a coin. I guess all the above are options.
Joan wrote some really nasty messages after that one and then she blocked contact on Acestry.com. As you had long ago let me know what kind of person she was her behavior came as no surprise, but I was surprised that on her Facebook page she goes on and on about being a Christian, but then has such unChristian behavior. So many people simply profess they are Christian for business purposes, to gain respect in the market place, to create a false reputation for themselves. Far too many Christians we’ve all seen are just hate-filled people who are nothing like what the Bible or Yeshua expects them to be. I think Yeshua called those people hypocrites.
In my last correspondence with Zina I think I got her being dishonest with me yet once again and I blocked her on Ancestry.com, but she pursued the matter in multiple text messages to my phone and to my email. I responded wanting to extend her the benefit of the doubt, but she didn’t respond so I guess that means all out war between us now, so as they say, “all bets are off”. I’d once told her that I keep all our conversations confidential, but now that she has betrayed me I don’t think I’ll be held to the promise anymore. Zina told me all kinds of horrible things about you and Pat. I’m not trying to drive any wedge between you and your sisters that isn’t there or doesn’t deserve to be there. I think however they all are as bewildered as to why you have stayed with Pat when he has been so abusive. Maybe old age and illness has put Patrick in a place where he has had to soften up a bit? Zina told that Patrick has allowed you to drive the car places all by yourself. Is this a new development because you told me different in your emails and phone calls 2007-2009. What’s the real truth?
Forgive me if the tone of all this seems angry, but when people lie to me it does cause emotional pain, especially when it’s people I’ve placed my trust in. My memory takes me back to the trust I had in you as my fiancé that you would wait for me and then what kind of slap in the face do I get when I turn 18 and return for you? I month after I arrive back in Kentucky to get us back on track you run off an marry Patrick Hickey and crush my heart all over again, and I guess that should have been the final nail in my coffin, so to speak. I tried to end my life twice because of the emotional heartache you caused me, but somehow I found the strength to go on. Me without you was not part of the plan and systematically, if I wasn’t gonna be dead and released from the pain, I was going to kill of the person I was and become someone new, so the boy who had his heart broken by the girl who was supposed to be his wife and mother of his children would no longer exist to haunt me with his pain. In psychology we call that “disassociating”.
9 October 2021
I get quite a few emails from readers of my blog asking me why I haven’t moved on from this girl who obviously never loved me. Some have suggested that I find a woman that isn’t looking to manipulate me the way she did. Marry a woman who wants love and companionship, not a woman who seems to wants to marry any man that will take care of her. Someone pointed out that she married Patrick Hickey because the military includes spouses and she knew she’d be taken care of.
Phyllis was advised to go back to school by her sister Zina so she could have a career to support herself. If a woman relies on a man to support her and she doesn’t work then she comes a slave to her master (husband). Getting an education and good money-making career of your own is a good thing in the event the marriage dissolves and you have to support yourself. Zina learned this in her own failed marriage to a man who discouraged her from returning to school.
Could the cold, hard truth that I do not want to accept be that Phyllis only saw me as a possible ticket to freedom from her family? If this why she seemed to have no emotional remorse about how she devastated my life when she dumped me? Obviously, she is in a marriage where there has never been in love. Is this how some women operate? They have no drive of their own for success? Just latch onto a man who will buy a house, buy the food, and buy you clothes and jewelry? Are girls taught this by this mothers that this is the way things are for women in this world, this man’s world?
Love is blind. Did the girl I thought I knew actually exist? Did she ever really love me or was she just playing a role to secure a financial benefactor? Hey, don’t get me wrong! I have traditional human family values. Women have the breasts to feed the babies for a reason. It takes two to make a family and a home run smoothly. The one with the breast milk is the primary caretaker of the children and works inside the home while nurturing and educating the children while the other who is not tied down by breast feeding goes out and supports the family by means outside of the home. I believe in the traditional way human families operate, but I also know that some women probably get psychologically skewed in an anxious hunt to find a man to support them before the flower of alluring youth is gone.
Phyllis told me she and Patrick Hickey never had children together because she developed female problems that lead her to not be able to have a child. I wonder if that was true? Maybe that is what she old Patrick while she secretly took birth control so she wouldn’t have to bear children for an abusive man she hates? Why bring children into a world where a pycho father would be psychologically damaging them and creating more abusive monsters?
Oh, Phyllis if you only knew the perfect and happy life we could have had together. I saw our life starting out on my grandparents farm where we’d be building our own home down by the lake. I could see us today with our kids grown with children of their own now. Generations working a family beef cattle ranch. I had envisioned a farm store where we’d sell our garden produce, our organic grass fed and finished beef, eggs, chickens. It would have been a wonderful life. You could have still pursued a career outside the home if you wanted, but I think you’d have enjoyed being a farmer and raising our children on the farm. I know my 40 years on that farm were the best years of my life.
So much about me you never got the know. My grandmother took me direct from the hospital when I was born because my mother didn’t want me. My mother wanted to put me up for adoption. I remember my grandmother telling me about when I was old enough to sit up and play she’d set me in the shade of an Ash tree at the edge of the garden and I’d play in the fresh tilled garden dirt with a couple of tin cans. As I became older my first memories of gardening duty was to follow behind her and the tiller and pick the weeds out of the tilled soil and put them in a bushel basket to be disposed of. It would have been nice to have continued such traditions with my own children, but you didn’t allow us that. You chose misery over love and happiness and changed the course of both our lives for the worse. I wish you’d realize it ain’t too late. Yeah, you hurt me, but I’m also fair. I know I can imagine why you did that you did and piece together the story from what I’ve been told by your mom and two sisters, but there is nothing like hearing what you were going through that made you do what you did. Never got to hear your heart’s story, but I’m still out here hoping I will one day. I still imagine us having a chance of picking up where we left off before we were pulled apart by a 1000 miles between us. I imagine us adopting a couple children to be grandparents to so we don’t have to feel like we were cheated out of our dreams. As I’ve said before, perhaps you are just hoping Patrick will hurry up and die and leave you everything so you don’t have to only get half in a divorce. I can only imagine since you don’t let me know…
One thing is for sure. This boy has loved you with all his heart for a lot of years. I’ve tried to forget you, but it was impossible. I pushed myself to date other girls, but it felt disrespectful to the love for you in my heart that left no room for anybody else to come along. I tried to change my life in many ways so I could forget the me that loved you. Nothing I did worked. I’m stuck loving you I guess till the day I die. I hate to think it, but my life may end with you never returning to me just like in the old George Jones song, He Stopped Loving Her Today.
18 October 2021
This coming Saturday should be a day of joy for me, but instead it’s only a sad reminder each year that has passed since 1979 that Phyllis has turned another year older without me being able to ….well, why bother writing it? You already know what I’m gonna say.
I woke up in the middle of the night with the thumb and the first two fingers of my left hand tingling with numbness. I thought perhaps I’d laid on my hand or something and it would go away, but it didn’t. The numb feeling continues. If only the feeling could move up to my heart.
BTW, Phyllis, if you are having any paranoid type fears that I’m gonna do something romantically stupid for your birthday, you can give those thoughts a rest. Yes, I’m tormented each year on your birthday wishing things were different and I could sent you flowers, shower you with gifts, and celebrate the fact that I’ve so glad you are here and in my life, but that’s what could have been. Don’t worry, I won’t be sending any flowers to your employment or anything.
I used to know the joy that loving someone brought into my life. Now that I’m near the end of my life I contemplate how living these 42 years without you has been worth it. I knew I could never commit adultery by taking you as my wife if you divorced Patrick. My only hope was that he’d die as soon as possible leaving you widowed and we’d have a chance again. I dreamed of making up for all the hellish years you suffered with Patrick.
I’ve tried and tried to get you to contact me again, but you do not. That’s why when today I saw that meme on my friend’s social media page today I knew it was speaking to me. It let me know that you simply just don’t want me in your life in any shape or fashion. It’s like the last nail being driven into my coffin, so to speak. I feel like my romantic hope has died. It’s a hard thing to feel unloved by someone you love.
22 October 2021
Yesterday morning I stood at the sink washing dishes and gazing out onto the San Jacinto mountains that are only a walking distance from my home. Mindless activities like washing dishes lends itself naturally to enter into thought and contemplation. Sadly, my thoughts were about you and the decisions you made that caused unspeakable misery in both our lives. You ditched me, the good guy that would have treated you like a queen, and instead you allowed an evil man to take control of your life and make it a hell on earth.
I can’t imagine you’ve had a happy birthday since being with him. You’ve endured decades of psychological conditioning with him that now I don’t know if there is truly any good in you that has survived. To survive you have had to be more intelligent than your captor. You’ve learned the play the meek and agreeable wife just so “the old coot” as you call him doesn’t give you hell. As a result the real you was replaced by a deceptive you who’s love has grown cold. Like my friend let me know the other day, “If someone wanted you in their life they’d put some effort into showing it. Since 2018 when I corresponded with Joan–nothing. These months I’ve corresponded with Zina–nothing. Maybe you’ve died on the inside and you simply reside in a shell of a person I used to know.
I was looking at a photo of you on the www.fromthevaultjewelers.com website and you look as if you are unable to smile like the rest of the people in the photo. You look like you are carrying the cares of the world. When I found this photo of you a couple years ago it saddened me to see how you’ve changed. You used to smile and be so happy all the time I knew you from our days at Barret middle school till the last time I actually spent time with you the year my family came north to visit and you asked me to have sex with you when your mother left the house.
Well, even if I never hear from you again, even if I would hear from you that you were furious with me it would make me happy, but I hope maybe if you ever loved me you might have a secret moment of happiness on your birthday tomorrow knowing it will be impossible for me to escape having you on my mind all day, like you’ve been every year for over 40 years.
23 October 2021
It’s 9:30 pm in your part of the world now. I made it through another of your birthday’s without you. It wasn’t so bad. For some reason I had an unexpected peace throughout the day without feeling down. I wonder if that is because it’s finally sinking in that you don’t care about me. I guess I’ve been a fool. Your letters of 12 years ago made me feel you were ready to break free of Patrick and you and I would have a chance to begin again.
I realize since it was nothing for you to be intimate with me and then become intimate with other guys that perhaps you’ve done the same with Patrick. Your sister Zina told me that Patrick now allows you to drive the car so that gives you the opportunity to have a lover on the side. That thought runs through my mind as to the reason why you no longer contact me. Why would you want to contact me if you got yourself all set with one man whom you hope will die soon and a lover that will be there for you when the old coot finally kicks the bucket. Zina told me Patrick is not in good health at all and also has diabetes. I guess that is good news for you and whatever other man is in your life. I wonder if there is someone else giving you secret birthday gifts that Patrick doesn’t know about?
Do I sound bitter or angry? Don’t think that. I’m just thinking out loud trying to answer the questions you’ve never been kind enough to answer for me that have tormented me all these years since you left me. They are just questions and possible answers that float around in my head. It’s just really strange that you no longer care to contact me. If I were to think of other reason’s why you may not be contacting me maybe Patrick found out about you calling and writing me years ago and you caught hell for it and he threatened you?
I’m sure I’ve done nothing to make this a happy birthday for you unless somewhere deep down inside it might make you feel good to know you still have my heart after all these years.