This blog is my goodbye blog to Phyllis. A friend posted the following meme on her social media page knowing I’d see it as a message that I need to move on.
I never wanted to give up hope, but I feel I’ve done all I can in this lifetime to regain the girl I’ve loved with all my heart. Someone once said, “If you love something, set it free. If it returns to you it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t return it never was yours. I haven’t wanted to believe I wasn’t special to her. I haven’t wanted to believe she never really loved me, but she was only looking for someone to latch onto as a way out. I’m truly sorry she chose to marry Patrick Hickey because he has been an abusive monster and made her life a living hell. Her choice also made my life a living hell in a lot of other ways. I know I’ll never truly get over her, but somethings you just try to not think of as best you can.
This journal I’ve decided to make a reverse order journal. That just means that you will need to scroll down to read the new entries instead of each new entry being at the top of the page. Why am I doing it this way? I don’t know.
27 September 2021
I woke myself up from a dream this morning crying. It was a dream about Phyllis. In the dream certain memories that I had not been able to remember for decades came flooding back to me, and upon awakening the memories just kept coming at me in waves. Trauma once caused all these memories to be blocked and locked away where I had no access to them. Now, trauma once again has allowed these memories to come out of hiding.
My head is spinning right now. This experience is still quite fresh having only awoken less than an hour ago and feeling an urgency to write about this memories before they might disappear again. Anybody who has ever suddenly regained memories they had lost will tell you its a very strange experience and it makes you feel lost. It’s very surreal. Somehow I hope that writing about these memories connected with Phyllis Hogan will help me find myself again. I definitely do not want to spiral into a dark depression where dead seems to be the only way out. I’ve been there before and actually had a near death experience that gave me the strength to live. While I’m thankful for that experience and my survival I cannot allow myself to go down that dark path to the brink of destruction again. People do not heal by keeping trauma bottled up inside. The only way to heal is to talk about your trauma. However, I want to make it clear this is not a cathartic writing. I’ve been in contact with two of Phyllis’ sisters and both have let me know that she doesn’t desire to talk to me. She may not talk to me, but I can talk to her through this website that I know she reads. At least I will be allowed to tell her what she did to me and how she changed my life forever, in some way good and in some ways bad. I know that in writing this I take the chance it will push her away from me forever, but that’s the chance I’ll have to take as she must know how I feel before this life of mine ends.
At this moment I need to step away and take a break, but I will return and write more later, perhaps tomorrow.
28 September 2021 – Well, here I am again. I can report that I had a good sleep last night and all the memories that came flooding back are still with me. I guess I somehow have the fear that the memories may slip back into that hidden place. They have not. I guess this is the new reality for me.
In yesterday’s writing I spoke of death and destruction. Phyllis and I had met as teens in school. Our friendship soon turned to love. Because it was still too soon for me to buy her an engagement ring I have her a larger circle of gold in the form of a bracelet for a Christmas gift. I think we had been dating about 7 months when my mother announced that her and her new husband had decided to move the family to Florida, hundred of miles south of Kentucky. What could we do? We were just 15 and not able to get married yet so we knew we had to ride out a few years till I could return to Kentucky when I turned 18 and take her for my bride. That first year we were distanced from each other we wrote letters everyday. Then one day a letter came from Phyllis that said she didn’t want me anymore.
I tried calling her on the phone and she refused to speak to me. I tried again and again, but she hung up on me and then stopped answering the phone. She was everything that had made my life worth living and now she was gone. I went to the cabinet in the kitchen where my parents kept a lot of pills and I emptied all the bottles into my stomach. My mother came out of her bedroom and saw all the empty bottles on the counter and I ran out the back door of the house with her shouting to my older brother to that I’d taken a lot of pills and to run after me. My heart was so full of pain. We lived near a main road with lots of fast traffic on it so I saw my chance to end it all quickly. I ran out in front of a car, but they managed to slam on their brakes and not hit me. I took off running down the road as my brother had come running after me. I had all this pain that I couldn’t escape and I didn’t know what to do. Was I just going to keep running or what? There was a large tree at the end of the road and I climbed up on it as the police arrived and were trying to talk me down. I’ll cut this story short with saying this was my first ever suicidal thoughts or attempt.
My mother had managed to make contact with Phyllis’ mother and tell her what had happened and let me know that Phyllis wanted me to call her. Apparently, she’d found out I tried to kill myself and so I guess she felt bad about dumping me and she took me back. It all wasn’t so cut and dry, but that was the outcome of our long talk. Some months later my family had arranged a trip up north to see relatives for the winter holidays. I imagine that trip was actually only arranged so I would have time to see Phyllis.
I’ll never forget that day in December when I went to visit Phyllis at her home with my heart in my hand and an engagement ring in my pocket. I really wanted to get things squared away with her and make sure we were still on track. She made me feel like she wasn’t sure she wanted to continue our relationship and I felt very much like a beggar wanting to know what had happened to her and how we could get our relationship back on track.
I remember sitting at the bottom of the stairs that lead up to a finished attic where her bedroom was. We sat there talking for a long time till I felt secure that she really wanted me and we would continue with our plans to be married. Her mother came through the hallway and announced she had to make a trip up to the grocery store. I thought nothing of it at the time, but during our entire relationship her mother had never left us alone in the house together. When her mom had left for the store Phyllis asked me to come upstairs. What happened next was really rather disturbing for me. As Phyllis entered her bedroom she laid down on the bed and said to me, “Make love to me”. As I had always dreamed that we wouldn’t go all the way till our wedding day this unexpected behavior from Phyllis became another one of those traumatic experiences that happened. I did my best to keep it together, but it felt like I’d just been punched in the stomach and all the wind was knocked out of me. It was like the world around me stood still while I was sinking into a dark hole. I couldn’t allow myself to get all emotional, but I know she saw the confusion and disappointment on my face as I responded, “Phyllis, this is something important. This is something we have to wait for our wedding night for.” I flat out refused to have sex with her then, and the engagement ring in my pocket never found it’s way out. I tried to reassure Phyllis that we only had a year to wait and I’d be 18 and I’d be back for her.
The next year was horrible. I struggled to hold onto her, but she seemed to struggle to be free of me. In her letters she’d write about guys who would come into the ice cream shop where she worked and how they’d chat her up and ask her out. The love I had for Phyllis was unconditional and solid. I felt she was the same so when she told me about going to a neighborhood carnival with a Native American guy who had come into the ice cream shop and asked her to go I didn’t think much about it. I didn’t want to act like a jealous idiot who doubted her commitment to me. Then she told me about going to to a bar called the Toy Tiger and getting drunk. I knew I wasn’t going to hold onto her by getting upset with her behavior or trying to control her. I was just trying to hold onto her till April when I turned 18 and could return to living in Kentucky.
My grandmother was very happy to have me come live with her. I flew into Louisville the day before my 18th birthday. I was so happy to be home again. I phoned Phyllis and let her know I’d arrived. My grandmother didn’t know all the details about my relationship with Phyllis. I imagine my mother had told her a lot, but I had not. There was just one phone in the house and of course my grandmother had to plant herself in the room every time I would call Phyllis. I didn’t yet have an automobile of my own so I had no way to go into Louisville to see Phyllis. For now, we had phone calls and I was trying hard to reassure Phyllis she was the reason I’d returned and that all the plans we’d made would happen. I had to be sure she was stable however because her behavior had been rather worrying. I’d committed myself to moving back, but before I could even think about asking my grandmother to invite her out I had to know we were on track again.
It’s not easy now to relive these memories and understand why I blocked them. I was trying to so hard to hold onto the girl I loved without doing anything that might push her further away. Now, I that I’ve found my voice I seem to be doing all the things that will make sure she never returns to me. It’s not what I want, but I’ve been living this hell because of Phyllis for over 40 years and if she wants to play games and not speak with me then that’s on her, but I can no longer be silent. Silence equals death. I’ve felt dead inside for too long.
Maybe I should have gotten angry with Phyllis and become threatening? Maybe I should have become physically abusive to show her how much I was in control of things. As someone who had grown up being treated like that I was programmed to be the exact opposite. My mother would drink and become mentally and physically abusive. When you grow up like that you learn quick how to avoid stirring up your abuser’s wrath. I became the good little boy who was always walking on egg shells trying to make sure I didn’t do anything to rock the boat. I wasn’t able to become accusatory, or jealous, or violent with Phyllis. I couldn’t be that kind of man, but it seems that’s the kind of man she wanted and ended up with. Could Phyllis be the kind of woman who needs an abusive man? Is that the reason she has never left him? I was told that all of her siblings offered to help her get away from him, but she’d only go so far and then she’d always return to him. Her mom hoped that she’d live long enough to see Phyllis leave Patrick, but that never happened. Her mom told me through the passing years more than once how she’s wished Phyllis had married me.
That day Phyllis tried to get me to have sex with her I believe was a set-up. For a long time I was naïve enough to think the whole moment was organic, but then I remembered Phyllis once showing me a calendar in the kitchen where she kept track of her monthly cycle. I now believe it was all planned for her to become pregnant so our wedding date would be a year earlier than planned.
Of course, these things are all just assumptions I’ve come to based on the clues. Phyllis has not confirmed anything because we have never got around to talking about the serious and destructive things she did that ended our relationship. I was too busy trying to do things to keep the relationship alive, and didn’t want to bring up difficult subjects that could be talked about another day after we were married. I tried to get some answers out of her when we were talking on the phone and emailing some years back in 2007-2009, but emails always made it easy to avoid responding to my questions. All these years and I’ve never gotten answers. It’s time I got the answers and receive some closure. I’ve suffered far too long.
It’s time for me to take a break from writing again. I’ll continue later.
29 September 2021
A friend just sent me this meme (below) this morning and it sure does make sense that in the last couple days I have had buried memories that I have not been able to access in many years now suddenly come to the surface. This really kinda freaks me out, because of what it says in Genesis 1:14 “And God said, “Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to distinguish between the day and the night, and let them be signs to mark the seasons and days and years. “
This feels like confirmation that it’s no coincidence I’m remembering these things about Phyllis and I at this time. Phyllis are you remembering things about how perfect our relationship was and how pure and satisfying our love was? Phyllis I know Patrick has been controlling your mind for decades and psychologically when this happens and one gives over to the control it becomes comforting–just do as he says and there won’t be any hell to pay. This is how all abusers control their victims. I’m not asking you to pack your bags, split the assets and divorce Patrick, but what I am asking is for you to be a responsible person to me and do the simple kindness you never did when your erratic behavior brought my whole life crashing down and had me hospitalized because I wanted my life to end. You owe me some answers even if you never want to see me again. All the hell I’ve been through in this life was because I was trying to escape the pain of you leaving me. I went to bizarre extremes to become a different person so I didn’t have to the be person you crushed. It took 20 years for me to get to a place where I could drop the disassociative identity I had created for myself before I could return to my true identity through the One who created me in the womb. To be clear, I simply want answers as to why you did what you did if you even understand your actions. Everything that happens on our lives happens for a reason to teach our souls things they need to know so in that way be sure I don’t have anger or blame towards you. I just want to understand it all and you hold the keys that unlock so many mysteries. Is emailing me like you once did too much to ask?
7 October 2021
Every year of my life since I have known you Phyllis when the month October rolls around it’s always a sad reminder that I don’t get to share your birthday on the 23rd with you. Instead, you spend it with a man who had done nothing but abuse you for decades and doesn’t love you, but has some weird obsession with you. Yeah, he may have married you, but it’s been no marriage. Where had been the joy, the children, the happiness. For some marriage can be a living hell and at least your marriage has indeed been a marriage in that way.
It’s really a disturbing feeling that you do not contact me. Three years have passed so unbelievably quick when I was in contact with your sister Joan Hogan Moser. I have her my email and phone number for you to contact me about signing off on some paperwork for my the book I’m having published about you. I wanted to publish the book with your approval and blessing, but it seems it will go to the publisher with out. I know some people want to sue people for things written about them in books, but I know you would never do that. All you are concerned with is Patrick Hickey never finds out about my book and the things I reveal in it about you and I.
Why would Joan lie and say that you do not have access to email. Everybody has email, yet she wrote this to me in 2018:
As I have said before, you could always have a phone you keep at work where you could call me from time to time, but you don’t do that? What has Patrick Hickey done to you to fill you with such fear of the chance of him finding out you are talking to me? All I can do is wonder and guess about your motivations since you have stopped contacting me. I know you don’t have feelings for your abuser, so the only thing left is that you are just hoping to outlive him. Your sister Zina told me that Patrick is ill and had diabetes so I guess you are just hoping he will die soon and leave you all the assets. Maybe if he were to find out you were talking to me and planning on us getting back together he would disinherit you and leave all the assets to his family before he dies and maybe even divorce you and leave you flat without a coin. I guess all the above are options.
Joan wrote some really nasty messages after that one and then she blocked contact on Acestry.com. As you had long ago let me know what kind of person she was her behavior came as no surprise, but I was surprised that on her Facebook page she goes on and on about being a Christian, but then has such unChristian behavior. So many people simply profess they are Christian for business purposes, to gain respect in the market place, to create a false reputation for themselves. Far too many Christians we’ve all seen are just hate-filled people who are nothing like what the Bible or Yeshua expects them to be. I think Yeshua called those people hypocrites.
In my last correspondence with Zina I think I got her being dishonest with me yet once again and I blocked her on Ancestry.com, but she pursued the matter in multiple text messages to my phone and to my email. I responded wanting to extend her the benefit of the doubt, but she didn’t respond so I guess that means all out war between us now, so as they say, “all bets are off”. I’d once told her that I keep all our conversations confidential, but now that she has betrayed me I don’t think I’ll be held to the promise anymore. Zina told me all kinds of horrible things about you and Pat. I’m not trying to drive any wedge between you and your sisters that isn’t there or doesn’t deserve to be there. I think however they all are as bewildered as to why you have stayed with Pat when he has been so abusive. Maybe old age and illness has put Patrick in a place where he has had to soften up a bit? Zina told that Patrick has allowed you to drive the car places all by yourself. Is this a new development because you told me different in your emails and phone calls 2007-2009. What’s the real truth?
Forgive me if the tone of all this seems angry, but when people lie to me it does cause emotional pain, especially when it’s people I’ve placed my trust in. My memory takes me back to the trust I had in you as my fiancé that you would wait for me and then what kind of slap in the face do I get when I turn 18 and return for you? I month after I arrive back in Kentucky to get us back on track you run off an marry Patrick Hickey and crush my heart all over again, and I guess that should have been the final nail in my coffin, so to speak. I tried to end my life twice because of the emotional heartache you caused me, but somehow I found the strength to go on. Me without you was not part of the plan and systematically, if I wasn’t gonna be dead and released from the pain, I was going to kill of the person I was and become someone new, so the boy who had his heart broken by the girl who was supposed to be his wife and mother of his children would no longer exist to haunt me with his pain. In psychology we call that “disassociating”.
9 October 2021
I get quite a few emails from readers of my blog asking me why I haven’t moved on from this girl who obviously never loved me. Some have suggested that I find a woman that isn’t looking to manipulate me the way she did. Marry a woman who wants love and companionship, not a woman who seems to wants to marry any man that will take care of her. Someone pointed out that she married Patrick Hickey because the military includes spouses and she knew she’d be taken care of.
Phyllis was advised to go back to school by her sister Zina so she could have a career to support herself. If a woman relies on a man to support her and she doesn’t work then she comes a slave to her master (husband). Getting an education and good money-making career of your own is a good thing in the event the marriage dissolves and you have to support yourself. Zina learned this in her own failed marriage to a man who discouraged her from returning to school.
Could the cold, hard truth that I do not want to accept be that Phyllis only saw me as a possible ticket to freedom from her family? If this why she seemed to have no emotional remorse about how she devastated my life when she dumped me? Obviously, she is in a marriage where there has never been in love. Is this how some women operate? They have no drive of their own for success? Just latch onto a man who will buy a house, buy the food, and buy you clothes and jewelry? Are girls taught this by this mothers that this is the way things are for women in this world, this man’s world?
Love is blind. Did the girl I thought I knew actually exist? Did she ever really love me or was she just playing a role to secure a financial benefactor? Hey, don’t get me wrong! I have traditional human family values. Women have the breasts to feed the babies for a reason. It takes two to make a family and a home run smoothly. The one with the breast milk is the primary caretaker of the children and works inside the home while nurturing and educating the children while the other who is not tied down by breast feeding goes out and supports the family by means outside of the home. I believe in the traditional way human families operate, but I also know that some women probably get psychologically skewed in an anxious hunt to find a man to support them before the flower of alluring youth is gone.
Phyllis told me she and Patrick Hickey never had children together because she developed female problems that lead her to not be able to have a child. I wonder if that was true? Maybe that is what she old Patrick while she secretly took birth control so she wouldn’t have to bear children for an abusive man she hates? Why bring children into a world where a pycho father would be psychologically damaging them and creating more abusive monsters?
Oh, Phyllis if you only knew the perfect and happy life we could have had together. I saw our life starting out on my grandparents farm where we’d be building our own home down by the lake. I could see us today with our kids grown with children of their own now. Generations working a family beef cattle ranch. I had envisioned a farm store where we’d sell our garden produce, our organic grass fed and finished beef, eggs, chickens. It would have been a wonderful life. You could have still pursued a career outside the home if you wanted, but I think you’d have enjoyed being a farmer and raising our children on the farm. I know my 40 years on that farm were the best years of my life.
So much about me you never got the know. My grandmother took me direct from the hospital when I was born because my mother didn’t want me. My mother wanted to put me up for adoption. I remember my grandmother telling me about when I was old enough to sit up and play she’d set me in the shade of an Ash tree at the edge of the garden and I’d play in the fresh tilled garden dirt with a couple of tin cans. As I became older my first memories of gardening duty was to follow behind her and the tiller and pick the weeds out of the tilled soil and put them in a bushel basket to be disposed of. It would have been nice to have continued such traditions with my own children, but you didn’t allow us that. You chose misery over love and happiness and changed the course of both our lives for the worse. I wish you’d realize it ain’t too late. Yeah, you hurt me, but I’m also fair. I know I can imagine why you did that you did and piece together the story from what I’ve been told by your mom and two sisters, but there is nothing like hearing what you were going through that made you do what you did. Never got to hear your heart’s story, but I’m still out here hoping I will one day. I still imagine us having a chance of picking up where we left off before we were pulled apart by a 1000 miles between us. I imagine us adopting a couple children to be grandparents to so we don’t have to feel like we were cheated out of our dreams. As I’ve said before, perhaps you are just hoping Patrick will hurry up and die and leave you everything so you don’t have to only get half in a divorce. I can only imagine since you don’t let me know…
One thing is for sure. This boy has loved you with all his heart for a lot of years. I’ve tried to forget you, but it was impossible. I pushed myself to date other girls, but it felt disrespectful to the love for you in my heart that left no room for anybody else to come along. I tried to change my life in many ways so I could forget the me that loved you. Nothing I did worked. I’m stuck loving you I guess till the day I die. I hate to think it, but my life may end with you never returning to me just like in the old George Jones song, He Stopped Loving Her Today.
18 October 2021
This coming Saturday should be a day of joy for me, but instead it’s only a sad reminder each year that has passed since 1979 that Phyllis has turned another year older without me being able to ….well, why bother writing it? You already know what I’m gonna say.
I woke up in the middle of the night with the thumb and the first two fingers of my left hand tingling with numbness. I thought perhaps I’d laid on my hand or something and it would go away, but it didn’t. The numb feeling continues. If only the feeling could move up to my heart.
BTW, Phyllis, if you are having any paranoid type fears that I’m gonna do something romantically stupid for your birthday, you can give those thoughts a rest. Yes, I’m tormented each year on your birthday wishing things were different and I could sent you flowers, shower you with gifts, and celebrate the fact that I’ve so glad you are here and in my life, but that’s what could have been. Don’t worry, I won’t be sending any flowers to your employment or anything.
I used to know the joy that loving someone brought into my life. Now that I’m near the end of my life I contemplate how living these 42 years without you has been worth it. I knew I could never commit adultery by taking you as my wife if you divorced Patrick. My only hope was that he’d die as soon as possible leaving you widowed and we’d have a chance again. I dreamed of making up for all the hellish years you suffered with Patrick.
I’ve tried and tried to get you to contact me again, but you do not. That’s why when today I saw that meme on my friend’s social media page today I knew it was speaking to me. It let me know that you simply just don’t want me in your life in any shape or fashion. It’s like the last nail being driven into my coffin, so to speak. I feel like my romantic hope has died. It’s a hard thing to feel unloved by someone you love.
22 October 2021
Yesterday morning I stood at the sink washing dishes and gazing out onto the San Jacinto mountains that are only a walking distance from my home. Mindless activities like washing dishes lends itself naturally to enter into thought and contemplation. Sadly, my thoughts were about you and the decisions you made that caused unspeakable misery in both our lives. You ditched me, the good guy that would have treated you like a queen, and instead you allowed an evil man to take control of your life and make it a hell on earth.
I can’t imagine you’ve had a happy birthday since being with him. You’ve endured decades of psychological conditioning with him that now I don’t know if there is truly any good in you that has survived. To survive you have had to be more intelligent than your captor. You’ve learned the play the meek and agreeable wife just so “the old coot” as you call him doesn’t give you hell. As a result the real you was replaced by a deceptive you who’s love has grown cold. Like my friend let me know the other day, “If someone wanted you in their life they’d put some effort into showing it. Since 2018 when I corresponded with Joan–nothing. These months I’ve corresponded with Zina–nothing. Maybe you’ve died on the inside and you simply reside in a shell of a person I used to know.
I was looking at a photo of you on the www.fromthevaultjewelers.com website and you look as if you are unable to smile like the rest of the people in the photo. You look like you are carrying the cares of the world. When I found this photo of you a couple years ago it saddened me to see how you’ve changed. You used to smile and be so happy all the time I knew you from our days at Barret middle school till the last time I actually spent time with you the year my family came north to visit and you asked me to have sex with you when your mother left the house.
Well, even if I never hear from you again, even if I would hear from you that you were furious with me it would make me happy, but I hope maybe if you ever loved me you might have a secret moment of happiness on your birthday tomorrow knowing it will be impossible for me to escape having you on my mind all day, like you’ve been every year for over 40 years.
23 October 2021
It’s 9:30 pm in your part of the world now. I made it through another of your birthday’s without you. It wasn’t so bad. For some reason I had an unexpected peace throughout the day without feeling down. I wonder if that is because it’s finally sinking in that you don’t care about me. I guess I’ve been a fool. Your letters of 12 years ago made me feel you were ready to break free of Patrick and you and I would have a chance to begin again.
I realize since it was nothing for you to be intimate with me and then become intimate with other guys that perhaps you’ve done the same with Patrick. Your sister Zina told me that Patrick now allows you to drive the car so that gives you the opportunity to have a lover on the side. That thought runs through my mind as to the reason why you no longer contact me. Why would you want to contact me if you got yourself all set with one man whom you hope will die soon and a lover that will be there for you when the old coot finally kicks the bucket. Zina told me Patrick is not in good health at all and also has diabetes. I guess that is good news for you and whatever other man is in your life. I wonder if there is someone else giving you secret birthday gifts that Patrick doesn’t know about?
Do I sound bitter or angry? Don’t think that. I’m just thinking out loud trying to answer the questions you’ve never been kind enough to answer for me that have tormented me all these years since you left me. They are just questions and possible answers that float around in my head. It’s just really strange that you no longer care to contact me. If I were to think of other reason’s why you may not be contacting me maybe Patrick found out about you calling and writing me years ago and you caught hell for it and he threatened you?
I’m sure I’ve done nothing to make this a happy birthday for you unless somewhere deep down inside it might make you feel good to know you still have my heart after all these years.
18 November 2021
I’ve been quiet a bit as of late. I got an email from someone claiming to be you, Phyllis. Did you send me an email? I wrote back asking for you to call so I could confirm it was you, but there has been no phone call even though I have patiently waited for several weeks. Perhaps it was someone having a joke on me? I imagine it was because whoever wrote me said they feared Pat and his illness was going to drain everything you’d worked for all your life and you were prepared to leave him now. The letter detailed that you would not be able to leave him without him suing you for divorce and you’d leave with nothing. In the emails it went on to say how the jewelry store you work for has a lot of inventory for the holiday season and you could walk out with a purse full of gems and head straight for the airport.
It all sounds ridiculously crazy and I haven’t received a reply so I guess enjoy a good laugh that someone is spoofing me. Could it have been you and you’ve thought better of such a ridiculous plan? Ridiculous or not I actually even did some internet searching if there was a country where an American would not be extradited for jewelry theft. I was surprised at what I found, but I could never be an accessory or beneficiary of a crime.
I just wanted to get this out there and off my chest. There are some other things on my mind that I will write about later to you.
21 November 2021
I have often wondered whatever became of the gold betrothal bracelet I gave you?
When I gave you the bracelet as an engagement bracelet I did not do it consciously knowing it was how engagements were enacted in Biblical times.
In the Bible when a man and a woman became engaged (betrothed) to one another a divorce would be required if they later chose not to remain together. A prime example is given in the in the Gospels when Yosef was betrothed to Maria. The Gospels tell us that when the virgin Maria announced her pregnancy by the Holy Spirit that Yosef did not believe her at first and was making plans to “put her away secretly”. In plain language it means he was going to divorce her very discretely.
As someone who does believe in G_d, and our Savior Yeshua, I understand that in G_d’s eyes you became my wife and we never had a divorce. Do we say that G_d does not matter, and that a legal government contract of marriage supersedes G_d?
I do not bring up these things to punish you mentally, but I am relaying things that have punished me mentally over the years since you left me. These are things it has taken me a long time to understand. For so many years I attempted to run away from the pain, but now the days of running are over. I once dreamed that I might find love again, but it didn’t happen. Over the many years I finally accepted that there was but one love for me in this life that was meant to be and there would be no replacements.
One must decide whether their faith is real or if it is something one professes when it’s convenient or they can profit from the professing of such faith. The gravity of this revelation has weighed very heavily on me as a person of faith. My faith allows me to understand I have an obligation to you which has not been fulfilled, and may never be fulfilled in this lifetime, sadly.
Under the laws of the State of Kentucky you were not married to me when you married Patrick Hickey, but to me and to G_d we were man and wife already and that makes what you did adultery. I did the same, yet worse perhaps. I had sex with a girl I did not marry after you left me and married Patrick. It was all done by both of us in ignorance at the time, but just the same it was done. It was just several months ago that I reconnected with this certain young woman and asked her to forgive me for my actions of many years ago. I told her I knew I’d probably hurt her even though she ever said I did and that I now knew after what we did together I had an obligation to marry her. She understood and forgave me. While she did not see it as the issue I saw it as she understood my need to be forgiven. She is very happily married and her first grandchild just arrived a month ago. That made me think of the grandchildren we should have had that we could be enjoying now. Ah, well….
I don’t know that you and I ever had a discussion about G_d and faith, Phyllis. I guess that was our first downfall. I don’t know if you have any faith at all or not. I think the closest you and I ever got to the subject was listening together the Beach Boys song, God Only Knows. If you do not believe in G_d, our Savior Yeshua the Christ then I guess all I am saying to you has no meaning for you. I’ve shared what I wanted to share with you so now I will close the subject.
Leaving you this link on the latest and up to date research on the Shroud of Turin. Nobody can no longer say this burial shroud is the work of some medieval artist or a forgery. Even with all our modern technology scientists who have examined the shroud have stated that there is no way for man to reproduce such an image. I know faith can be a difficult road for many people, but this burial shroud is certain evidence of one thing. Whoever’s image is on this shroud was certainly loved of the Almighty Creator to have resurrected him from the dead and left such an undeniable testimony as this. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLnCIp3OVmE&t=1159s
26 December 2021
Another morning awakening from a dream with you in it. For many years I have purposely avoided talking about dreams I’ve had with you. You’ve been there always in my dreams since I met you, probably even before I met you. Never the same dream twice although I know it’s possible that it’s happened and I have not remembered the dreams. Dream memory is often elusive. I’ve found that it’s very important at the very moment of beginning to reach consciousness from a dream that I must take great care to quickly mentally document the events that have just transpired or the dream is lost forever. I try to suppress full consciousness as long as possible while I review and document all moments of the dream still available to me in my mind. When I’m satisfied I’ve gone over the dream enough times and have it firmly documented in my mind I allow myself to become fully conscious. This has become my standard operating process for recounting my dreams.
Awakening from such dreams have the effect of making me quiet for hours as I contemplate all the moments of the dream like frames of a film. Because it’s almost like having been able to share a real moment so I must admit it does create a bit of melancholy for a while. I guess that is part of the being quiet for hours afterwards. Dreams are like some kind of parallel universe where we continue to be able to have new experiences with those we have lost. Are they new experiences or glimpses into other lives with the same soul?
What can one say about dreams? I know some people have had dreams where they experience memories from past reincarnations. A woman I follow on Facebook by the name of Jenny Cockell reincarnated almost immediately after the death of her life as a women named Mary who died from complications in childbirth. She was able to eventually track down all the children from her past life and meet them. All of the children who were now decades older than her were able to verify through memories (that she had no physical access to), that she was indeed their mother reincarnated.
I won’t go into details here, but as you may imagine, over the past 40 years I’ve dreamed every dream imaginable and then some. I do want to say though I had the honor of meeting your father, Jewell. Funny how dreams work where someone who has already passed over can show up in a dream to give away his daughter on her wedding day. In the dream Phyllis had her mother on one arm and father on the other as they escorted her to the wedding canopy.
Life is but a dream…
9 January 2022
Every day of my life I am unable to escape you. The image of your eyes sparkling in the sunlight through the kitchen window haunts me. The sunlight could not keep your pupils from dilating because of the love you were feeling for me. I know you loved me and still do, but somewhere along the line you got confused. I hope one day you will be able to explain that confusion to me that lead you to make the biggest mistake of your life. The love you gave to me I have held onto as a testimony that I was once loved in this world. Ever since you left me though it seems nothing has gone right in my life, although I know that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps in a past life together I hurt you very badly. Maybe in the last life it was I who left you and broke your heart and now I am experiencing the karma of that deed. Whatever the case may be, even though it hurts to still be in love with you and not be able to talk to you, I will yet cling to forgiveness and understanding, and the hope that one day you will wipe the tears from my eyes as I tell you I love you.
10 January 2022
Yes, I do believe that everything happens for a reason from lifetime to lifetime and from body to body. Indeed, that is the foundation of our life experiences on this school planet.
I was asking myself this morning what was it I could have done to hurt the soul of Phyllis Hogan so badly that I would be charged with so many years of my own soul suffering in this lifetime. To have become one with her in love and then to have that union crushed.
I am a firm believer in reincarnation. Anytime I discuss the validity of reincarnation with anyone I always ask them to watch two videos on Youtube about the documented past lives of James Leininger and Jenny Cockell, two people who are living today. Anytime my unbelieving mind would try to make me discount the phenomenon I go to these cases and review them again. Similarly, our heavenly Father created the resurrection shroud of Yeshua Messiah that could not be corrupted by man like the Scriptures have been.
I wish I could know if I will ever see Phyllis again before I die. One thing I can take to heart about reincarnation and karma is that if Phyllis and I do not resume our relationship in this lifetime we will in the next because that is how it all operates. Until an important life situation is resolved you will return with another chance to get it right. If I have to wait for the next life I swear I’m gonna be sure to marry her within days of finding her so I don’t lose her for another lifetime of heartbreak.
23 January 2022
It’s been a week of uncertainty and stress because of a case of COVID close to me. It’s an ugly waiting game when you hope you don’t begin to have symptoms.
6 January 2022
I know having a blog is a dramatic thing in and of itself without creating any dramatic entries. Sometimes I shy away from making an entry because I can’t think of a way to write about something in a nondramatic fashion.
COVID-19 is dramatic. Yesterday over a 1000 people died of COVID in the USA. Being someone who is at a high risk for blood clots due to my chromosome pattern forces me to live a very restricted life since I can’t be vaccinated. Sometimes I think about the risk of being vaccinated and having blood clots forming all over my body and killing me. I think about COVID eventually finding me and killing me. It’s difficult to avoid the depressing thoughts, but then I think of everything else I’ve overcome in life to make it this far and it lifts the depression a bit.
I don’t want to die from COVID. The coming of Moshiach is so close and I want to remain healthy and live to see Him come and hear Him welcome me into His Kingdom. In non-Messianic Judaism, according to prophecy, it is expected for Moshiach to come before 2027. Of course, I believe that Moshiach Yeshua who has already come and will come again. Waiting for His arrival has added stress because of COVID. I don’t want to go by way of the grave. We are so close to the final prophecies being fulfilled before the Blessed Hope of the catching away. Sometime between today and the next five years is not much longer to wait for something really big to happen that will signal His immanent return.
14 February 2022
No, I have not forgotten you on this date. I have not forgotten anything in the 43 years since 1979. I know this is not a pleasant day for you either. I have my pain from the last 43 years and you have yours. I know what it was like to live with someone who psychologically and physically abused me for the first 18 years of my life, but I got away from my abuser, my mother. You married your abuser and have suffered so much longer. I don’t know how you have mentally managed. Maybe one day two broken hearts will mend.
5 March 2022
A lot of people do not know that G_d created a calendar in the Bible, and it’s not the Roman calendar that is used today across so much of the world. On G_d’s calendar today is the 2nd day of the month of Ayar which happens to be my 58th anniversary of my birth. I’ve often told people however, that I believe life begins at conception so in fact when I was born I was 9 months old. This turns the Western idea of birthdays and age on it’s head as when you add 3 more months to 9 that means I’ll actually be 59-years-old in three months from now. I know it sounds very different from what many people are used to, but if you are one of those people who do not believe life begins at conception then you can forget all I’ve just told you. lol
Since my last entry the world has been turned upside down by Russia’s Dictator Putin whom I call the reincarnation of Adolph Hitler. Just like Hitler he thinks he can take over countries to create his own Reich, all the while murdering so many innocent people to accomplish his goal. It’s horrifying to think this mad man will eventually use nuclear weapons to achieve his goal as he has threatened. I saw somewhere a Russian citizen placed a million dollar bounty on his life. I am a believer in someone being brought to justice by a judicial system for their crimes against humanity and being punished, but I also know that in extreme cases of war crimes and the slaughter of so many innocent people that it’s also acceptable for such a monster to be receive justice by assassination. Dark thoughts on a dark, and cold, rainy night…
8 March 2022
Today is the 18th anniversary since my grandmother passed. 18 years is a long time. I was 18 years-old when I returned to Kentucky to live with my grandmother with the intention of collecting my bride. I remember that snowy April day so clearly as if it were yesterday. Why can it not be yesterday? It makes me feel very sad now that I look back over the last 18 years and my grandmother is gone and Phyllis ran off with some other guy when I was 18 and broke my heart, again. When you love someone I guess they get to break your heart a lot just like a wayward child breaks a mother’s heart, but she never stops loving her child.
24 March 2022
I was remembering Loretta today and her movie, Coal Miners Daughter that came out in March of 1980. For some reason my memory ain’t coming back to me too well. Can you help me remember, Phyllis? I remember going to see it at the Showcase Cinema’s on Bardstown Road and I got the souvenir movie booklet. I also remember having the movie soundtrack album. For the life of me though I cannot remember who I was at the movie with. Did I go with you, Phyllis? Did I go to the movie with my family? I don’t know why that memory seems to be blanked out.
25 March 2022
I got to thinking more about Loretta today. Ya know she is gonna be 89 next month. My grandma was 89 when she passed. The last video I can find of Loretta is from September of last year when she put out a holler for people to come to the benefit for the recent flood victims where she lives. I look at her in that short clip and she reminds me so much of my grandmother. She looks really good for 89 especially after recovering from a stoke in 2018. If only my grandmother would have had a few years to recover from her stoke instead of dying a few months later. I know it was the same situation with your momma where the stroke was the beginning of the end.
I was in the kitchen this morning making my juice, baked a German chocolate cake with the apple pulp I had left over for juicing. I usually make apple butter with it, but I got way too much apple butter stocked up in the house. Adding about a cup of apple sauce to my chocolate cake batter is my secret to making an extra yummy moist cake. I juice some kale too. Last week I made kale pesto. This week I used the kale pulp to make my own version of Italian wedding soup. I guess I picked up my love of cooking from my grandmother. It gives me some undistracted quality time to think.
Once again you came into my thoughts. Forty-four years now I’ve carried you with me in my heart. In forty-four years you still look the same as when we first met. You know, I was thinking about how you’ve stuck it out all these years with Patrick. One day I hope you will feel comfortable enough to tell how you made it through. I know I’ve said it before, but even though I know he has put you through hell, I think of how you stayed married and didn’t divorce him for abuse. It lets me know you would have been there for me if we’d ever had any stressful times in our marriage. I know you’ve paid a very high price for your sense of security and I hope one day you’ll tell me about that too. How you could suffer through all these years in a loveless marriage with an abuser. I can’t understand, but I hope you’ll be able to talk about it one day. When I think about what you’ve must have experienced it makes me sad, because I know our life together would have been so different, filled with love everyday, and I know we would have had kids. I’ve really missed that part too. Now that I’m getting older I wonder who will be there for me in my old age. I might have to find a child to adopt?
30 March 2022
I am deeply saddened by the loss of innocent life in Ukraine. I wish I was a younger man so I could join the thousands of men from countries around the world who have traveled to the Ukraine to join them in their effort to defeat Putin. Vice News has a Youtube account that I can go to when I want some real on the ground reporting. They apply a graphic warning to their videos because they want you to see what is really happening. I saw a video today of bodies frozen stiff stacked up in warehouse. These are bodies of people who have nobody coming to claim them for burial. I cry. I feel helpless.
Innocent people were just standing in line to enter a grocery store when the Russians bombed the hell out of them. Many old senior citizens and women with small children and babies. Bloody dead bodies lay on the ground outside the super market being covered by tarps for respect. So sad.
What can I do? At the first out break of the war I began sending money to various known and trusted relief agencies. At the beginning of this month the National Bank of Ukraine opened a fund for their armed forces to donate to and that made me feel like I am doing all I can. Note: If you choose to donate to the National Bank of Ukraine armed forces account then know your bank may deny the charge on your card unless you call them since it is an overseas charge. I had to do that so they approved the merchant. I hate the fact that the armies of the world are not stopping Putin, but thankfully I can help Ukraine’s army and the many volunteers from Ukraine and men from around the world who have gone to join the fight in a civilian army. If you want to donate to the Ukraine armed forces through the National Bank of Ukraine go to this trusted link that I myself use: https://bank.gov.ua/en/news/all/natsionalniy-bank-vidkriv-spetsrahunok-dlya-zboru-koshtiv-na-potrebi-armiyi
3 April 2022
April 3rd is always a day never to be forgotten from 1974 in Louisville, Kentucky. There was a band of tornados all the way from Georgia to Canada. My home was very lucky and the tornado recoiled up into the sky and missed my neighborhood. Many areas in Louisville were hit hard.
I have survived much in this life. I shouldn’t say I survived, but instead I should say I was spared and protected. Through so many hardships in this lifetime, and some close calls I’ve made it through and I’m still here. I must still be here for a reason and I sure hope that reason is that Yeshua wants me to be here to see him when the rapture happens. I hope it will be soon. Things are shaping up.
Just weeks ago the Temple Institute in Jerusalem became unusually very secretive about details about the red heifers they have been monitoring. In years past they have given informational updates, but the only thing we get now is the heifers they are watching will be eligible to sacrifice for their ashes in six months. These ashes will cleanse the Temple Mount and be for the purifying of the priests, and many other people, and things. The main thing is this means Yeshua coming to rapture His bride very soon. Within six months the Temple could begin to be rebuilt. I don’t know how it will be accomplished with the Muslim problem on the Temple mount. I just know the Father has it all under control. I pray everyday for forgiveness of sin, strive to keep Torah, and have all my faith counting on being worthy to see Yeshua and go with Him.
I feel very sad for those who don’t keep His Torah and will be rejected like the five virgins who had no oil in their lamps. I’ve tried to warn people, but so many people’s minds are made up and get angry when you try to open their eyes to the obvious meaning of scripture that they have been taught against in their Edomite Churches.
19 April 2022
It’s been a trying week. The latest event to get through was the death yesterday someone important in my life. With that my mission here in the California desert is coming to a close. The next location of destiny has not made itself known yet, but I’ve been thinking a lot about an old farmhouse with enough land to recreate a homestead farm like the one I grew up on with my grandparents. My home here must be sold and the house in Colorado must be sold too. I just hope the housing market continues to ride high till both homes can be sold. I’d hate to see a housing market crash come. I’ve heard one is expected because real estate prices are too high.
Blood thirsty Putin of Russia is still murdering the people of the Ukraine in his attempt to resurrect the former Soviet Union.
Speaking of resurrection, Sunday was “First Fruits Sunday” when Yeshua King Mashiach resurrected from the dead. If all the Bibles were gone tomorrow and all we had left was Yeshua’s burial shroud then that is all that we would need to know he resurrected from the dead and will soon be returning for the final redemption. The science in this video about the Shroud of Turin is so awesome. I weep. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLnCIp3OVmE
My blackberries are in bloom. Grandma always used to call this, “blackberry and locust bloom season”. I remember the stand of white locust trees down in the southeast pasture along the fence that smelled so delicious in the Spring.
I heard a tornado rolled through the Louisville area last week. I hope you were no affected.
26 April 2022
Phyllis, I wish I knew about your faith. I wonder if you have any faith at all. My interest in knowing about your faith came up in my thoughts today because I happened across a Youtube video about a possible date for the Rapture that is coming up on June 15th. Here’s the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TG_TuZ58oA&t=1s
Let me say that I’m not a fan of date setting, but it is a blessed hope that I be worthy and how happy I will be to see Yeshua coming in the clouds and giving me a glorified body and taking me to heaven. It’s being predicted for sunrise on June 15th in Jerusalem, Israel. That would be 5:33am AM in Israel. When it’s 5:33 AM in Israel it will be 10:33pm on June 14th in Louisville if you are on EST.
I’ve had to suffer through this lifetime without having you at my side and I don’t want to think of eternity without you. If the Rapture does happen on June 14th I hope I am worthy and you will be worthy too and we will be reunited on the other side. I guess that is the best I can hope for in this lifetime. It makes me sad that you don’t contact me, but I imagine you don’t because you decided years ago, when we were communicating in 2007, that it was just too much for you to handle dealing with an abusive Patrick and your feelings for me. I don’t blame you. I can only imagine how you are probably barely holding it together having lived such a life with Patrick. I can imagine even after he is gone you may just want to be alone. While I understand you might feel that way, I hope you don’t because I feel like that would just be more of your life being destroyed by Patrick. When he dies you are finally free to live again and I think you should find love and happiness whether it would be me or someone else. Why am I so nice? Why would I say such a thing? You being happy is more important to me than my own happiness. That’s how much I care about you. I want you to feel loved and happy and if you don’t think you can feel that way with me then I can accept that. Ultimately, G_d knows what is best for each and every soul and if I’ve gone through all this hell and I was not ever truly meant to be with you then I will accept that as G_d’s will and I will accept that with joy.
2 May 2022
The other day I posted an article about the Rapture. In it I linked to a video of Rabbi Isser Weisberg. Rabbi Weisberg is Jewish and like many Jews does not speak about or admit to any faith in Christianity. Just because a Jewish person does not believe in Christianity does not mean they do not believe that Yeshua (aka Jesus) could be the promised Messiah. Separating the Jewish Yeshua from the Greek Christian Jesus is a bit tricky and not a concept that most Christians would easily understand. Greek-Roman Christianity too a 1st century Jewish Rabbi named Yeshua, changed his name and twisted his message so that Christianity became a murderous religion responsible for the slaughter of many millions of Jews over the past couple centuries.
There is a tradition on the Sabbath to serve fish. This tradition began over 700 years ago presumably in Europe. There is more to this history, but I’m not gonna there right now. If you’ve ever made fried salmon patties or tuna patties you may not have thought that these recipes were originally created as a way to stretch fish. It’s like making meat loaf that recipes call for bread crumbs and oatmeal to make a small piece of meat go future. Anyway, a traditional similar recipe to stretch fish was adopted by Jews and it’s called Gefilte fish. “Gefilte” is the Yiddish version of a German word that means, “to stuff”. Originally, the fish would be removed from the skin. The bones would all be removed and then the fish would be chopped and mixed with spices and various ingredients and then stuffed back into the fish skin and baked. Gefilte fish is a variation of this.
I’m telling this history for a good reason. Just wait for it… lol
This past week I picked up some Haddock at the market. I had weeks earlier made some rolls from some sourdough I’d made. Sourdough bread is a treat for me as it’s very low on gluten as the sourdough process kills the gluten in the dough. Anyway, I had frozen a bag of these sourdough dinner rolls and wanted to get them out of the freezer to make room for other things so I decided to use them all to make a Haddock gefilte fish this past Sabbath. Twelve rolls made a lot of breadcumbs and I ended up with three bread trays of gefilte fish! My grandmother always used to say I cook like I’m cooking for an army. LOL Well, I just wanted to use up all the breadcrumbs so yes, I made enough gefilte fish for an army. Looking at the three bread pans filled to the brim I exclaimed, “It’s the miracle of the fishes and the loaves for the feeding of the 5000!” LOL
I laughed, but I realized the symbolic meaning behind gefilte fish being on nearly every Ashkenazi Sabbath table or holiday table. It truly is a food that symbolizes the miracle of making a just a couple fish and few fishes multiply to be able to feed many people. Now, there may not be many Jewish people who will tell you this story, but if Christians murdered your family and your people for the last 2000 years would you be willing to share your faith in Yeshua (aka Jesus)?
Other symbolism for eating fish on the Sabbath goes back to when Yaakov (Jacob) blessed the son’s of Yosef (Joseph) in Egypt that their offspring would multiply like fishes. This is the version you will get in reply by many Jews as for them to explain the difference between Yeshua the Jewish Rabbi/Messiah and the Greco-Roman Jesus who is an anti-Christ by comparison is not an easy subject to discuss. As you see, it’s taken me quite a bit of typing just to frame up the story here.
There is no place in the Torah that describes our modern Sabbath traditions. Judaism has many traditions that have formed and evolved over time. The blessing of the wine, the blessing and breaking of the bread at every Sabbath table are others that some will say were born from the tradition of the 1st century Jews that believed Yeshua to be the promised Messiah that would be killed, Messiah son of Yosef (Joseph).
I thought I would share that with you today.
My Pandora radio station just played “Goodbye Girl” and “Right Here Waiting”, and, of course, those are songs that have haunted me over the years. I want to hold onto the hope that we can be reunited after these years of separation. Just like when our school year ended at Barrett Middle School and we were reunited, reminisced, and fell in love, it is my hope that there will come a day just like those many years ago that you will again make contact with me and we can go sit on that front porch swing once again and catch up on old times, and pick up the thread that was dropped. We were always so happy. I know I may have been a bit of stinker over the years and said somethings that expressed my deep frustration of living my life without the girl I never stopped loving, but I hope you can be a forgiving person and one day our love story will continue after the mistake you made that caused both our lives to suffer a lot of needless heartache. Love breeds heartache however and there’s no escaping it. It’s okay. I love you, Phyllis, and I miss you more than words can say. You were always so happy around me. I remember those bright eyes that would sparkle and I hope to see them again.
You have such a good memory, Phyllis. I was reviewing one of your letters to me and you were remembering the clothes I was wearing one day when I came to see you. You described blue sneakers, beige corduroy’s, and a tan shirt. How do you have such a photographic memory of us?
I’ll close for now. You should text me on my phone. Zina has my phone number
8 May 2022
Went grocery shopping today at the Walmart around noon and it seemed too busy for a Mother’s Day. Where were these peoples mothers? Back when my grandmother was living I’d always go see her on Mother’s Day and if the weather was good we’d go down to the lake to fish.
I was thinking of you today, Phyllis, and wondering how Mother’s Day is for you since you never got to become a mother. I know you think of your mom and miss her. I miss her too. She was fun. She used to make me laugh with her good sense of humor.
I’ve been planning on building a garden entrance arbor with a door on it for a while, but it’s been slow planning not being inspired enough, but this morning I was feeling a bit more inspired because the Asiatic lilies, the daylilies, and a red amaryllis were all in bloom. That’s the front of the house. At the back of the house I have blackberries still in bloom. In persian lime and key lime trees bloomed and I’ll have a nice little harvest this year. The key limes I grew from seed and the trees are four years old now, I think. The persian lime I purchased from Lowes and it’s about three feet tall.
18 May 2022
Ever since February 24 when the reincarnation of Adolph Hitler (Putin) officially invaded Ukraine I have been in distress. After World War 2 everyone said, “Never Again”, but here we are watching another evil dictator invade another country and murder it’s people so he can take the country and it’s resources for himself. I know I’ve mentioned before if I were a younger man I would have gone to Ukraine to help them defend their people and country. Instead I send money for what little it helps. I feel like I’m doing something to help them. I wish I could do more. What I wish most of all is that this was not happening. What prevents our species from living in love and in peace with each other? It’s a very sad situation. Can you imagine having your own child murdered in front of your eyes and having to bury him yourself in your own yard? This is what many Ukrainian’s have had to do. They’ve had to bury many of their own family members and neighbors in their yards because Putin has given the order to his people to murder the Ukrainians so he can take their country from them.
Why worry about it? Why concern myself with it? I’m living the good life in a gated community in California. I live in luxury and want for nothing. Why should I make myself emotionally upset because of other peoples problems? These are questions I could ask myself, but I don’t because I don’t have that kind of heart in me. Yes, being emotionally distressed about this situation and others is hard on me, but I try to go on as best I can telling myself I’m doing something good and that should make me feel not so sad and not so distressed. Everyday, you have to have a positive attitude that you are doing what you can to make the world a better place and try to feel joy in that. If you don’t you’ll go crazy.
I was thinking this morning while watering my garden. Right now Russians have been programed with evil propaganda and are murdering innocent people to take their land. Then I thought of the southern border of our country where thousands are streaming in nearly all unchecked.
The invasion of Ukraine didn’t begin on February 24th. It began long ago when Putin first took office. He had a plan from the beginning take back what was lost when the U.S.S.R was dissolved. So over the years he planted Russians inside of the Ukraine. He began populating certain areas of Ukraine with people who think like he does and eventually these imports along with leftover residents from the U.S.S.R became separatists trying to break the Ukraine up. Look what Putin did in Chechnya. Now, he’s doing it to the entire country. Now, lets compare this to what is going on in America.
During the presidency of Abraham Lincoln the United States went to war with Mexico because we wanted California, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, and Colorado for our country. So we fought the Mexicans and took their land. The Mexican people have never forgotten this invasion and the murder of their people for land. Today, millions of illegal immigrants have flooded into America. They say they are coming looking for a better life. This is not really true.
When I lived in Hollywood for 7 years I had Mexican neighbors. I lived in an apartment building where my balcony was right next to theirs. With the perfect year round weather in LA many people would have their windows open almost all year. I often would hear my Mexican neighbors talking. What they were not aware of is that even quiet conversations were easily heard due to the acoustics of tiled floors and the stucco walls. It was almost as if whispers were heard like shouting in my ears. On several occasions I would listen to then talking and sometimes ranting about the Mexican takeover of the United States.
It will not be in my lifetime, but it is coming. In much of America the Mexican population used to be small to nearly nonexistent, but today there are enough of them that if Mexico wanted it could not only take back what land Abraham Lincoln took from them, but take the whole of the United States. I’m just saying that this is something in the works.
There is no argument that the White man has seen himself as superior to all other people on this planet. It’s understandable. Pitiful human beings have to play this game of superiority over one another. The human species, for the most part is a failed experiment. There will always be a small minority of loving and compassionate humans, but humanity for the most part has such an inclination towards evil behavior that they are simply unredeemable. It’s sad to say, but true. I’ve tried to live my own life being kind and caring to all, but evil people come along with a desire to disrupt the peace and I’ve had to combat fire with fire, as the saying goes. It’s nothing I can be proud of, but what I can be proud of is that I was never the aggressor and all I ever did was in self defense.
I wish this world didn’t have to be this way. I love Mexican people. I know the heart of the Mexican people. I’ve lived among them and know them to be some of the most kind, loving, and humble people on earth. The same can be said for many Russian people, but all it takes is a few to spread hatred, propaganda, and the seeds of revenge.
The rabbi’s of Judaism all say that the due date for Messiah to appear expires in late 2026, early 2027. We await Messiah son of David to appear and with the Creator’s power and authority he will reign over mankind and all this evil will come to and end. So, we cling to hope while at the same time fearing Messiah may not come and we could all be forced to endure more evil.
I just want to live out in the country on a little farm and grow my own food and one day be buried in my own garden and have a tree planted on top of me.
1 June 2022
I wonder if you’ve grown bitter over the years and lost your joy of life? One day when you are a widow will you only want to be left alone or will you have the desire to live again? Will you want to put the life you’ve suffered behind you to finally be free and full of joy again like the girl I used to know?
I imagine you may not understand religion much. I don’t recall you being a religious person or if you ever prayed. Along my journey I have learned much. The biggest revelation that I had about 20 years ago is that the New Testament is a Jewish book and it needs to be understood from the Jewish mindset. The Romans created a whole different and anti-Jewish understanding of the Gospels.
Having mentioned in my last entry that all the Jewish rabbi’s are in agreement that Messiah son of David has a deadline to appear 2026 to early 2027. I guess many people would have no idea that Yeshua (aka Jesus) was/is Judaism’s Messiah son of Joseph. Yeshua is to return as the son of David Messiah, and four or five years is not long to wait. I hope perhaps you are trying to learn the truth that the church world has kept from you and the masses over the centuries. I believe it’s a matter of life or death for the soul. Those that have already passed on are in G_d’s hands now and I cannot say what their fate will be.
I know we are the last generation to exist before the Day of Judgement and as Daniel’s prophecy has been fulfilled about “knowledge being increased” we have a responsibility to learn from this knowledge in our last reincarnation on earth and rectify anything left that would prevent us from ascending to the highest level of rectification before we begin eternity with our glorified bodies that will never die and be forever young.
2 June 2022
As you know, I’ve been writing an autobiographical novel. When I first began writing my life story back in 1990 that’s all it was–just my life story. After watching the Outlander series I was inspired to do something more than just a boring biography of my life. To me, the Outlander love story could be our love story. When I watch the series I simply imagine our characters as Jamie and Claire, but our hair colors got switched. kjInstead of time travel being the foundation to the story I made my bio novel a reincarnation story. I imagine I’ve told you this already.
In one lifetime as soulmates we lived in the period leading up to the American Civil War. Your parents threw us a grand engagement party. We waltzed the night away. You presented me with a gift to return home with the next day. It was a painting of you wearing the dress you wore at our engagement party. In real life I have been working on this painting. I’ve decided that one edge of the frame is going to have some charring on it having been saved from a house fire during the war. The painting becomes a contemplative piece in the story. I had found the painting in an antique store in my current lifetime. I was very drawn to the painting and found I could not leave the store without purchasing it. Having no clue at the time about my past lives I hung the painting above my fireplace exactly where it had hung in my previous lifetime. The painting is a source for quite a few flashbacks to the previous life we shared together.
Anyway, I think I’m rambling. I just wanted you give you a peek into my imagination. Oh, and by the way….when your father announces our engagement at the party we dance to this piece of music. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard it before, but to me it feels Civil War appropriate. You can hear the music here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2kZASM8OX7s It’s called Ashokan Farwell.
7 June 2022
I was reminiscing today about a Persian friend I’d made during our 1977-78 school year at Barret. I’ve been trying to remember his name. I no longer have the yearbook from that year. He was the first person I’d ever met or known from Iran. I remember his family was very warm and welcoming. He lived just up the street from me in some nearby apartments. Remembering our brief friendship was just a springboard for other Persian memories accumulated during my lifetime. I said, “brief friendship” because his family moved away during the school year. Perhaps they purchased a house somewhere. I don’t know.
During the 7 years I lived in Los Angeles I made quite a few friends from the very large Persian community there. Persian restaurants were found everywhere and I became very well acquainted with the cuisine. I remember one of my Persian friends was very impressed that I could cook Persian so well. My favorite dish to cook is Khoresh Bamieh. It’s a specially spiced tomato and okra stew with meat. I grew up eating my grandmother’s stewed okra and tomato’s so this Persian dish didn’t seem foreign except for the meat used which is lamb. My grandmother didn’t care the taste of lamb meat so lamb wasn’t something I would eat until the 1990’s when I visited my first Lebanese restaurant while living in Indianapolis, Indiana. The dish was called Kibbeh Nayyeh. Translated it’s like steak tartar, but a lamb Middle Eastern version.
I have a memory of someone I knew for a brief time. His name was Steven Catalfamo who lived in Jacksonville, Florida and worked for a toilet tissue company. His co-worker and roommate was from Iran. One day he went on an ignorant tirade about his co-worker’s ethnicity being Persian. Apparently he didn’t like this person and wondered why he identified as Persian and assumed it was a cover for being, in his words, “An American-hating Iranian”. We had a very heated discussion one evening while traveling to a restaurant for dinner. He had no clue about the history of Persia other than it was an extinct empire and felt that anyone identifying as a Persian was basically suspect as an Islamic terrorist. Myself, understanding what he didn’t became very upset at his insistent ignorance. I tried to explain to him that Iran is a country that was invaded and taken over by the Arab Muslims and since have persecuted the original inhabitants of the land, the Persian people. It was not a pleasurable experience educating Steven that night.
I had a lady friend who was a neighbor while living in LA and we used to go out to eat Persian food all the time.
So, these are some of the memories that consumed my thoughts for a portion of my day. I wonder if you’ve ever had Persian food? Sometimes I wonder why I continue to write to you here. I don’t understand why you don’t contact me. I miss you heaps, and this is the only way I have to connect. Yes, of course, I could walk into the jewelry shop where you work, but I don’t think you’d be ready for that shock. I dream of a day that may never come. Maybe I dream of more than one day that will never come. I dream of knowing you again and I dream of our Savior fulfilling His promise to return for us and begin a Kingdom where there will be no more sorrow. Sometimes I feel like I will die before either of these “some day” events will ever happen…
I close tonight with this. For some reason this video came to me tonight on Youtube. I remember you once told me that you and I were so young when we were together and you said that as if to say we were too young to have real feelings for each other? This video that popped up is about a love story that began with a couple that were half our age. Like myself, the guy never forgot his true love and the memory of her haunted him all his life. You see, I am not the only one. I hope you watch this video. The ending left me in tears. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFSnkgyicVY&t=810s
14 June 2022
If you knew the Rapture would begin within the next two hours how would you spend those hours?
I know it’s a funny question, but once again someone has tried to calculate the possible time for the Rapture to occur. In two hours time from now it will be sunrise in Jerusalem, Israel and this predictor imagines Yeshua to break through the clouds at sunrise to begin gathering his bride.
I’m not going to leave a link to the Youtube video here, but it’s tediously long, and furthermore, I don’t believe in date setting. I believe in being ready no matter what the day or hour may be.
You can’t help but to be a bit bothered by the whole thing though. It does make you think. There is not a single Jew or Christian that would deny we are now living in the End of Days. The thing that bother’s me the most about these date setters is how it affects other people, like parents with young children. As I write I know many parents across the world have already laid their wee children down to sleep. How many of them lead their children in a bedtime prayer like my grandmother used to do with me? Do parents and their children go to bed tonight feeling concerned of the possibility that Rapture could begin in the next couple of hours? I know how little children get very frightened and my heart aches for these little ones tonight who may be scared about whether they have been good enough for Yeshua to take them to heaven tonight.
20 June 2022
I try to eat all organic. Sometimes it’s just not possible as it was yesterday on the shopping trip to the Walmart. They didn’t have any organic cabbage so I was disappointed, but because cabbage is on the “Clean 15” list (see below) I went ahead and purchased the “poisoned” cabbage rather than do without the foundational stable of my anti-inflammatory diet. I just said a lot there, so let me unpack it. If you scroll down you will see I have placed the “DirtyDozen|Clean15” list below where cabbage is in the Clean 15. When I was growing up on the farm the cabbage worms were the worst so there were times when we’d use Sevin dust on the cabbage. I wouldn’t do that now growing my own. Using a wooden clothes pin to pin the leaves together over the top of the cabbage helps to keep the worms out. You just have to keep an eye on your cabbage and pick off the worms and kill them. Other than growing your own I would dare to say that cabbage is on the “Clean 15” because most cabbage you purchase in the store has had the outer leaves peeled off. If I have to buy conventionally grown (poisoned) cabbage I will peel of a few more leaves before purchasing my cabbage so that takes care of any pesticides sprayed on the outside even though some gets absorbed into the entire plant. Anyway, there’s my cabbage story for today. LOL
Cabbage is so good for your digestive tract. I eat a lot of it raw and cooked. I make an Asian inspired slaw with toasted sesame oil, fresh grated ginger, liquid aminos, and chili/garlic sauce. Often I will have a big bowl of slaw with a tin of wild caught sardines in water on top. When I cook my cabbage is first run it through the blender and turn it into a smoothie and it makes for quick cooking as a cream of cabbage soup to which I will add other ingredients to make it taste good. Cooked cabbage all on it’s on with no flavoring is not very yummy. From all I’ve read eating the cabbage raw is best for nutrition, but if you are wanting to bring out it’s anti-inflammatory properties it’s best cooked. According to Scientific American, cooking cruciferous vegetables such as broccoli, cauliflower, and cabbage helps them release indole, an organic compound that has anti- inflammatory and antioxidant properties.
The Anti-inflammatory benefits of cabbage has been key to reversing the osteo-arthritis that had showed up in my shoulders and in my lower back. Going gluten-free helped that too. I began taking proteolytic enzymes that dissolve the latex-like protein called “fibrin” that your body develops to try to protect inflamed joints. Gluten in wheat flour products inflames your joints and fibrins come to the rescue, but they end up making matters worse because this latex-like fibrin stuff latches onto the joints and ends up making matters worse. When your young the body dissolves fibrins in due time after their temporary purpose is finished, but when you are older and your body is not making enough proteolytic enzymes to dissolve the fibrin you end up with twisted and gnarled joints. So, yeah…. I supplement with proteolytic enzymes every morning on an empty stomach and eat lots of cabbage and now I don’t have the arthritis problems or the fibrin problems.
I began getting back pain around the age of 50 so bad that it was hard to get out of bed and I’d be limping around for almost a week till my back got better. As the years went by this problem got worse. Two years ago (age 56) I had to use a walker when one of these back attacks came on. Every morning I’d have to lie in bed and think about how I would manage to get myself out of bed with as little agonizing pain as possible. Then using the walker was tedious. I knew I had to study up on a natural cure and so I found all the above advice and now the walker collects dust in the closet and I am back pain free for close to two years. No more arthritis! The anti-inflammatory diet is a lifestyle, not a temporary quick fix. Eating healthy is a diet. Most people’s diets are full of toxins and poisons. They eat a lot of dirty processed foods. I eat clean foods. I want to feel good and not die young because I killed myself with poisoned foods. Scripture says, “My people perish from lack of knowledge”. I plan on being alive and healthy when Yeshua returns to take His bride off the earth.
1 July 2022
Today Princess Diana would have been celebrating her 61st birthday with he. r family if she were still with us. You know Diana was just three years older than us so she was a peer to us. I have said more than one that she was like a sister that lived far away and we watched her life unfold from a distance. Diana was like everybody’s sister because she reached people on that level. She was a royal Princess, yet she made herself as accessible as a regular person. Her son, Harry, virtually hosted The Diana Awards early today in her honor. I don’t know why William did not participate. Instead of showing up for the event, he wrote a letter of support. We hear that there is some sort of rift between Harry and William. Not showing up for the event, and just sending a letter says a lot. William could not have taken a few minutes out of his day to make an appearance for the only charity bearing his mother’s name on her birthday? That really should give everyone pause when considering the alleged rift between the son’s of Princess Diana.
Being Princess Diana’s birthday also is a reminder that there is another birthday this month on July 20th that is very near and dear to my heart. My grandmother would have been 108 on this date. I was having memories of her funeral day earlier. The memory of her funeral is a bit blurred. I was in such deep grief that I don’t remember all the details of that day. It seems like everything happened so fast. It seems like my whole life with her happened so fast. So many happy memories flash through my mind. Who knows what would have happened to me if my grandmother had not taken me home with her from the hospital when I was born and my mother didn’t want me because I was a reminder of the man she divorced. I know my father was not perfect, but as I thankfully got to know him for 15 years before he passed I know he was a good man with a good heart, actually he was too good for my mother. My mother had issues. I know she ran my father off, and she ran my first stepfather off when I was 5-years-old. I know her next two marriages were not good. Who was my mother? She was quite a stranger to me in many ways. I wish I could have fully understood her before she passed. I only have pieces of the puzzle of who she was.
Of course, thinking about my own mother makes me think of your mother. She had such a nice personality. She was funny and kind. I miss her. I miss being able to pick up the phone and talk to her as I did over the years. It is a strange phenomenon how I can still almost hear her voice in my head. To me, she had a very distinct way of talking. Can’t describe it, but I guess we all have distinct voices.
Lots of memories about people who have affected and shaped my life. Those memories all have a beginning and an end. In my heart I hope there is still a chance to create new memories with you before the day comes that it is no longer possible.
4 July 2022
I’m glad for the auto save feature with my website manager. I had forgotten to update to post July 1st’s post, but it was auto saved and I was alerted when I signed in this morning.
Yes, I’m here posting at 4:44am as I wait for the dawn to break. I’m not quite used to the mornings starting a bit later each day now. It will be 5:11am this morning for the break of dawn when there is just enough light for me to go out and sweep the fallen berries of the lantana bush that grows up and over my back door area. The lantana bush blooms and creates fruit all year long. The berries look something like a smaller version of a blackberry. They drop on the small back porch and stairs and I have to sweep them away each morning or else they will stick to my shoes and I’ll drag them in the house.
Lantana berries fully ripened are said to be edible and some folks make them into jams and jellies, but the the tiny clustered berries that appear on the bush are hardly enough to make a harvest. My bush is quite huge as the bush shades my back door from the afternoon sun yet the berries are so small you’d have save pickings from several days before you had enough to make a jar of jam. They are basically a bit of a nuisance to have to sweep up after every day. It’s said they can be slightly toxic to dogs so I keep all the pups away. I’ll tell you about my four pups another day. The sky is getting light now behind the silhouette of the trees so it’s time to get myself outside and sweep up those lantana berries before beginning my morning garden watering routine.
Finished with the first round of morning chores. The orange/hot pink lantana out the back door was needing a trim. Every couple weeks it needs to be trimmed back. Thing grows like crazy.
Yesterday at the Walmart I picked up another pot and the plan is to replant the pink lantana in the front of the house and repot an iceberg climber rose. They will sit at the front garden entrance arbor and they both grow to about 15 feet so they will overlap nice from each side of the arbor.
There is another orange/hot pink lantana that come up from seed spread by the birds into a pot out back and I plan to plant that one in the ground in front of the house and let it grow up over a trellis that goes above the windows that span the width of the living room. I love living in a garden home.
Are you familiar with Beatrix Potter and Tasha Tudor? They were both rather eccentric gardener artist types. I’ve admire their art and gardens for years. The gift they left behind inspires me.
5 July 2022
Of course, you remember Mamie and Emily Baldwin, the Baldwin sisters from The Waltons. I thought of Emily today as someone wrote to me who follows my website and asked, “Do you think Phyllis will ever return”. Immediately, the memory of Miss Emily forever waiting for the return of Ashley Longworth came to mind. It made me wonder how many so-called fans are out there reading my website and all wondering if you will ever return to me. Of course, one cannot control the imagination from spinning a whole new chapter in a matter of seconds, but I imagined when the book I’m writing about the love we shared is published and long after we are both dead and gone will there be fans of my book all looking forward to read the last chapter to see if you ever came back to me.
I fear that the abusive years with Patrick have changed you and when he is gone you will just want to be alone. I hope you won’t be bitter and want to live out the last of your years alone. I was speaking to a dear friend of mine yesterday about a documentary about old people I was online where couples in their 90’s at a Laguna Beach, California 55 and over community were part of a group being researched for cognitive abilities as they age. One old couple were being interviewed and they were asked, do you still have romance in your marriage in your 90’s? The husband smiled and quipped, “You bet we do! Every morning and every evening!” Every morning I expect my good morning kiss from the woman I’ve loved for 70 years and each night before bed I get my goodnight kiss and that’s it!” I thought that was so precious. It’s so sweet to see elderly couples that still hold hands and have a twinkle in their eyes when they talk about their lifetime of love.
I know there is the possibility that I may die old and alone in some nursing home somewhere after having long lost touch with reality. I’ll probably be rambling on something like, “Where is my lovely wife, Phyllis”, and the caretakers will probably entertain me with words like, “Oh, she will be back real soon”. I hate to take this imaginary journey, but I wonder if my last breath will carry your name. A story has to end some way and it’s gonna be one way or the other. I try to stay on the bright side and remain faithful to the memory of the girl I once knew that really did love me with all her heart and down deep inside she still does. I’m of the mind you only get one true love in live. One innocent pure love. Ah well, we shall find out what God has planned….
7 July 2022
Whatever happened to Frances Bobson? Not sure if I spelled her last name correctly? I remember you saying her family joined a holy roller church and she started dressing like Laura Ingalls. I hope she is married and happy with lots of grandchildren by now.
My life was in such turmoil when you left me. I was suffering from a lot of depression reading your letters that spoke of you going out drinking to the Toy Tiger and going with some guy to that Catholic carnival near you. I didn’t know what to do when you began telling me those things. You have to know that I grew up unwanted, unloved, and abused by my mother which programmed backwards coping skills into me. When trouble began I’d go into survival mode which meant say nothing so I wouldn’t add fuel to the fire. I had “good little boy syndrome”. When you began telling me all those things I just cowered in fear of what was gonna come next. The modus operandi was go hide, and not respond to the conflict.
Is it any wonder I went to school to study psychology? It took a lot of learning to unlearn bad coping skills. I’m glad I finally found my voice and learned how to stand up to being treated wrong. .
I had mentioned Frances Bobson because when I was 17 my life was in such a shambles that I turned to God for help. At the time I’d never had much experience with organized religion. When I was younger grandma and I would walk down the road to services at the Baptist church. When I moved back to Kentucky at 18 my grandmother had been going to a Pentecostal church. As you would say, one of those holy roller churches like I assume Frances Bobson was going to. I continued to go to the United Pentecostal Church for the next 20 years. In the year 2000 I began to learn a lot of things about Christianity that were wrong, like Christmas, Easter, being a Sunday keeper, and eating swine. That was just the tip of the iceberg. I learned so much that I knew I had to leave Christianity because I knew my salvation was on the line. I was learning all I could for a few years and even began attending services regular at the Louisville orthodox Jewish synagogue to learn more about the faith of Yeshua. Fast forward another 20+ years it really bothers me why Christianity was ever created as a different religion from Judaism. It has created a situation where converting to the faith of our Messiah is not possible as conversion to Judaism requires you to renounce your faith in Yeshua.
Even today, after all these years I’m still hungry to learn more about God’s word. I study every day. I feel very excited that we don’t have much time left before Yeshua returns. I just hope I am still here when He comes. I’ve outlived my mother by 4 years, my half sister Laura died at age 44, half brother John died at 62, my father was 69. I hope I can continue to have good health and see the day He returns to fix this planet.
15 July 2022
Yesterday’s headline was that Ivana Trump was found dead of cardiac arrest in her New York City home. What a shame that she had no staff around or family could have been there to perform CPR. Such an untimely death can happen to any of us at any time. None of us are guaranteed even one more second of life. She had no chance to say goodbye to anyone. Here one minute and gone the next.
In five more days my grandmother will be gone 18 years. It reminds me also that I was 18-years-old when I moved to live with my Grandmother in Kentucky with hopes of getting our relationship back on track and planning a wedding. We would have been able to bring up children knowing the very special childhood I had on the farm. All the good stuff, and none of the bad stuff I experienced. Children that would have loving parents that made their children feel loved. Parents that would never divorce. Children that would never know the pains I knew growing up. If there was ever any regret that I could have in old age it would be that it is not possible to go back in time to fix my life before it became broken. I lost a wife and a wonderful life. My children never got to be born. Just now I remember a little saying my grandmother would say when she wanted me to do her a favor. The request would be prefaced with the phrase, “I’ll dance at your wedding if…”. I have a specific memory of my grandmother asking me one day if I’d go down into the cellar to get her some onions she’d dance at my wedding. My grandmother never got to dance at my wedding.
I’ve been experiencing some deep disappointment lately. I don’t want to call it depression, but it probably is. The war in Ukraine continues to kill hundreds of innocents every week, sometimes every day. No country is stepping in to stop this war. Putin deserves to be blown off the map by the international community. Putin doesn’t care about how many innocent people he genocides so there is no Ukrainian person left to prevent him from taking Ukraine for his own country.
I do not believe people really understand how bad things are going to get on this planet before total apocalypse happens. Especially, here in America I think people feel they are immune to war and famine, but if you are staying alert and seeing how things keep escalating you must know a tidal wave is building. Hell, whoever heard of butter at $4 a pound? So many horrible things happening. It creates a lot of anxiety about the near future. It’s nice to have a lot of money in the bank, but what is money loses it’s value? What if money becomes worthless? I don’t want to be one of those that sticks my head in the sand, but I also don’t want to dwell on all this horrible and negative stuff. I want to believe there are still better days ahead to be had.
I’m trying think about my next move. Another year and it’s 7 years here in the desert. Selling this home, and the home in Colorado, along with a recent inheritance will all be put into a forever home somewhere. My last home. Some place not desert. Someplace that gets regular rain so I never have to water. I watch videos of English cottage gardens and stone houses. I’m not looking to live outside the United States ever again, but I’m wondering about building a house, a little stone cottage home I can cover with climbing roses. Some place I can plant a big fruit tree orchard and have a huge vegetable garden like on my grandparents farm. I need to force my focus on a happy future. I would like you to be a part of that future, Phyllis, but the more time that goes by and you do not contact me the more I lose hope. I have to consider that perhaps you never actually loved me, but maybe you were just a girl looking to latch onto any guy that would take you out of your parents home. I hate to think that way, but I’d be foolish if I did not consider that to be the case. Seeing the horrible mess you ended up in with an abusive man and the fact you stayed with him really makes me question why you would stay with someone who has made your life a living hell. I guess it’s fair. My life has been hell without you.
19 July 2022
As I logged in to write this entry I noticed in the last sentence of my last entry I’d made a typo and I fixed it, changing “with” to without. It made me release that either form of the word has meaning. I’ve lived this life with and without you and either way it’s been hell. A life that should have been.
Tomorrow I remember my grandmother on what would have been her 108th birthday. Not likely she would have ever lived to be that old, but instead of her still being here I wish I could travel back in time. I imagine traveling back in time to that Spring of 1982 when I moved back to Kentucky and was hoping you’d stop being crazy and you’d settle down and we’d begin making plans for our wedding.
I can’t help, but think about how many happy memories there would be from 1982-2022. I smile when I think of how now I could be enjoying grandchildren. I’d probably repeat something my grandmother used to do when I was just yet a toddler. When she was working in the garden she’d set me under the shade tree at the edge of the garden in some fresh cool tilled earth with some tin cans and I’d play in the dirt till she was done in the garden.
I’ve been watching the progress of the moving of the courthouse back home in La Grange. They moved it closer to Main Street to make room for a new addition to the back of the courthouse. There is a live cam set up by La Grange and also a couple of live cams set up by railroad enthusiasts for our unique little city with the train going down the middle of it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5AOYP3rbvU
From time to time I’ll turn on one of the cams and close my eyes and pretend I’m hearing the birds, the trains, and the cars that go by on the street outside my window in our home that no longer stands at the corner of 2nd and Main across from the courthouse. The courthouse was part of my daily view. We’d drive around it to get out to the farm twice a day to take care of the cattle and to work in the garden.
La Grange has made little changes here and there since the 1960’s when my memories began there. Those little changes over the years have amounted to being overall big changes to my home town. When I sit and gaze at the live video it almost feels as if I’m a disembodied spirit visiting my home town and feeling strange about it’s changes. The sidewalk through the front of the courthouse lawn I used to walk down is long gone. I remember walking down that tree lined sidewalk where there were trees perhaps planted in the 1880’s or even earlier. Those big trees are gone now. It was just a short walk past the courthouse to the Five and Dime store in the next block. I’d always get my grandmother to buy me a little plastic toy soldier with a parachute attached to him. A smile is forming on my face now as I remember the return trip from the Five and Dime throwing my toy soldier in the air and watching the parachute open and he’d drift slowly down to the sidewalk or lawn in the courthouse yard.
Phyllis, maybe to you, or others reading, it may sound pitiful to witness what I write about what could have been, but that’s the inescapable truth of the world I live in . We all live with good memories and no so good memories, and regrets. I think of all the bad events that would have never happened in my life as I struggled to make sense of life without you. It was all planned out that our engagement would bloom into a wonderful wedding and I imagined my grandmother allowing us to build a home down by the lake on the farm. Slowly as my grandmother aged I’d take over full responsibility for the care of the cattle and expanding the farm operations. I imagine having convinced your mom to live with us and her and my grandmother would have been best of friends. Our children would waited for the school bus on my grandmother’s front porch with her. They would have attended my same high school. Maybe our grandkids would have gone there too?
In other news… Thankfully, Biden stepped in and put a 60-day hold on the railroad strike. That strike could have caused a ton of prices to go up more, especially on the items they transport, but there’s also that supply chain domino effect on other things too. I know a lot of people are really hurting and it’s hard to even buy food for those on limited income. I hate to see all this happening, but I know it’s all gonna get worse because these are the last days of the end times. The next big thing prophetically we are waiting for is that 7-year peace plan that will probably be something completely unimaginable like a two-state solution in Israel. It’s in the middle of the 7 years that it will be broken and that’s when the Anti-Christ is supposed to declare himself as God. Some believe this is when the Rapture is to take place and from all my studies I tend to believe this is when it could happen too, but who knows what hour and day that will be? Some think the day will be the Feast of Trumpets in the Fall of the year. Will it be? I always tell people to be ready. Don’t worry about when it will happen, but be ready, be fully repented of sin and be living a Torah lifestyle. Yeshua didn’t abolish the Torah. If he would have then there would no longer be any such thing as sin to repent of because Torah defines sin.
27 July 2022
I woke up a bit ago from taking a nap. It’s one of those rare heavy overcast days here in the desert. It’s about as close as we ever get to a rainy day so it’s like a nice rainy day nap.
I woke up slowly realizing I’d been dreaming. I was back home on the farm and Grannie had grown older. Instead of her dark hair with bits of grey running through it when she left at 89 she now had a very nice all grey color and her hair was hanging in large sausage curls just to her shoulders. We were on the back porch and she was fussing around with the ironing board cause she was gonna press a pair of Grandpa’s pants for him. So, that was another development. Grandpa who passed in 1974 had returned. I’d had another dream years ago where Grandpa all the sudden showed up again. This dream was before the ABC 2-season television series called Resurrection came out in 2014. Before digressing let me continue with the current dream.
I wasn’t aware it was a dream while dreaming. It felt more real. You know sometimes you know you are dreaming, but this felt real. Perhaps it was a way of Grandma communicating with me? I have no idea. Just grasping at straws really. Anyway, there we were on the back porch and she was wanting to get Grandpa’s pants pressed for him. It’s like we both understood he had “returned”, but we hadn’t discussed it. That’s all I remember of the dream. Just a couple minutes out on the back porch with Grannie in her nightgown yet trying to organize to get to the ironing. I woke from the dream feeling like I’d just visited with Grandma and almost Grandpa. I laid there orientating myself to the here and now as I thought about the contents of the dream and trying to hold onto that feeling liked I’d been able to visit with Grandma one more time.
I began to cry. I had to roll over and sit up on the side of the bed and grab the tissues for my nose and the tears streaming down my face. I didn’t want to cry, but I gently wept for about 10 minutes before I gathered myself up and went to the kitchen for a cool drink of ice tea. I keep a glass juice bottle of stevia sweetened ice tea in the ice box all during the hot months. Nothing else satisfies when it’s hot like a good few gulps of cold tea.
I returned to my easy chair near my bed and pulled the ottoman close and called my beautiful long-haired terrier named George up onto the ottoman cause it was time for a brushing and meditation session. He gets the brushing and it’s meditative time for me. Mundane tasks like that and doing the dishes are times I love to meditate upon things. It’s such a peaceful time to think with a built-in distraction preventative with whatever mundane chore I’m doing.
I don’t ever usually try to interpret what is going on in a dream. I generally see it as an effort on those passed over to allow you to feel their presence and just know that they are still around keeping an eye on you and caring for you.
Phyllis, do you ever have similar dreams about your parents? We never really talked about your father. How about your grandparents? You know my mother was 9 when her father died. He, of course, was my biological grandfather I never met. “Doc” Washburn was the only Grandfather I ever knew. Him and Grandma were both widower’s when they met and married.
Don’t know if you’ve ever watched Teresa Caputo or Tyler Henry, but they are mediums who are able to get messages from those on the other side. So many readings I’ve seen videos that they have done where they have known facts that were secrets. I know life continues beyond this body when it withers and returns to dust like the grass of the field. It’s going to be so nice to see all my loved ones again one day. Sadly, I feel that is the only way I’ll ever see you again and it’s past time I come to terms with that. After all this time I’ve been trying to communicate with you I thought you would at least contacted me and given me some hope to hold onto. I can’t imagine you having become a bitter old thing, but I can only imagine what mental damage has built up over the years you have been at the mercy of Patrick’s abuses the threats. I feel really bad for you that you’ve gone through that, but I do not understand why you continued to allow it to happen when your mother and your family all wanted to help you get away from him. I guess we both mourn the loss of what could have been for us. It’s such a shame. The love we shared could have brought forth so many joys and happy memories over the years, but instead we have both been tortured and suffered. Why? There must be some reason for it. God knows and we will know one day when we see each other on the other side.
Getting back to the tv series. I don’t know if you ever saw it, but you can watch it on Youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZePTRVOoW0s&list=PLr0MsaDpKsY8bEdjiSMtdQ6_ev2oA8yfz&index=1
I won’t spoil the series for you by talking about it. Now, that I found it online I think I’ll enjoy watching it again. Just about 7 minutes in you’ll see the actress Frances Fisher with red hair. She reminds me of you only because of the red hair, but if I’m being honest maybe for other reasons too. It’s complicated so I’ll forego explaining. I hope you enjoy the series and overlook the poor sound quality of the voices. I slowed the playback speed of the video a bit to help their voices sound better. Have no idea why they have that Munchkin quality to their voices.
1 August 2022
Phyllis, today I wanna talk about health issues related the Standard American Diet. It’s referred to as the “SAD” diet.
What could be more American than apple pie? What could be more unhealthy for you than eating something that is nearly all sugar and gluten?
Just like apple pie there are so many foods that we are manipulated by warm fuzzy commercials on tv to embrace as parts of happy memories of our lives and families. Our lives and families are precious to us, but Scripture tells us that “My people perish for lack of knowledge”. Yes, apple pie is but one example of a beloved food favorite that is basically nothing, but sugar and gluten that put so much sugar into our blood stream that it causes a huge insulin spike. Care for a little ice cream or whipped cream on your pie? More sugar.
Diabetes develops due to long term abuse of sugar. Yeah, a lot of foods do have sugar as the main ingredient, but what about all the hidden sugars you are eating in all the fruits and vegetables too? You’ve no doubt heard of simple carbohydrates and complex carbohydrates. The simple, like the sugary apple pie loads up the blood stream almost instantly, fruits a bit slower, and vegetables the slowest of all carbohydrates to eventually be broken down into sugar in the body.
Carbohydrates and the frequency which they are eaten throughout the day is the problem with the SAD diet. I’m sure you’ve also heard advice about eating more smaller meals throughout the day instead of eating three large meals a day? I’ve heard advice to eat 6 very small meals a day just the size of your fist so you keep you metabolism blazing to burn fat. All that is really doing is causing your body to release insulin nonstop all day long. Three meals a day releases enough insulin daily to make someone diabetic, but recommending someone eat more than three meals a day is like diabetic murder.
I know you probably know a bit about diabetes since Patrick suffers with it. Did you know though that by changing his diet he could reverse his diabetes and he would not longer suffer from it? If eating too many carbohydrates that the body turns into sugar that causes ones insulin to get all messed up is what causes diabetes then why isn’t the government and health professionals sounding the alarm?
Why not advise people to eat a diet that is very low in carbohydrates in fewer meals during the day so your are not causing diabetic insulin resistance by constantly flooding the body with insulin by eating and snacking through the day and even the night? The sugar in carbohydrates is a drug to the body and is addictive so is it any wonder that the addict is wanting to eat all day long and raiding the fridge for just a bite of this or that during the night?
I understand all this very well, because I’ve been there, and done that. Like many people during the pandemic I put on weight as the lockdown lifestyle created a more home-centered atmosphere where so many of us had more time to bake, cook, and explore our inner chef. A lot of stress eating, and eating of emotions has been going on during the pandemic. I put on some extra pounds myself and hated it. I’ve always been trim and having any belly at all was something I never experienced in my life. Things changed with the pandemic.
With extra time on my hands I began to research what is the right diet for us humans to be eating for optimal health. Remember how juicing became really popular in the 1980’s and 90’s? Back around 1999 I went on a 40-day raw fruit and vegetable juice fast. No other foods. Just the juicing for 40 days. It’s almost hard to believe I ever did such a thing back then, but when I was doing it I had boundless energy and felt really good. A friend came over one day and told me I looked too thin and dragged me out of the house to a Chinese buffet.
For a limited time the juicing made me feel good, but could my body have endured had I continued such a diet for years? No way. While all the live enzymes in the juice and the vitamins and minerals I was getting had a great affect, the carbohydrate sugars from drinking juice all day long would have turned me into a diabetic really quick.
During the pandemic when I was over eating and gaining weight I turned to juicing again try to be healthier and lose weight. Trying to research diet from all the influencers on the Internet I decided juicing was good and a whole foods, plant-based diet would be best. I continued to gain weight and became pre-diabetic. My arthritis had gone away though because I was trying to keep my diet anti-inflammatory and was taking proteolytic enzyme supplements that would dissolve the nasty fibrin proteins that are the main culprit with arthritis. I was doing some things good, little did I know that all the fruits and vegetables were slowing degrading my health making me pre-diabetic.
Still researching and trying to figure it all out I came across a Dr. Berry on Youtube discussing the Keto-Carnivore diet with Kelly Hogan. Eating a minimal amount of fruits/veggies and mainly animal meat kinda freaked me out. I’d always thought that a little meat went a long way to flavor other foods like the vegetable stir-fry’s that the Chinese do and they only add a small amount of meat. Then I came across Mikhaila Peterson, daughter of famed psychologist Jordan Peterson. Her testimony was amazing. She had so many health issues and to make the long story short they were all related to what she was eating. She suffered with arthritis even as a child and by the time she was 16 it was so bad that she had to have a hip replacement and her ankle joint replaced. Her body was covered in an itchy rash and she was depressed all the time, but when she eliminated a lot of foods all her health problems disappeared. She coined a new diet she calls “The Lion Diet” that consists of only meat, salt, and water. I have to admit, when I first heard about this I thought it sounded creepy. Almost like a horror movie or something with zombies or vampires eating blood and meat. I remembered the Natasha Kinski movie called Cat People. I love fried chicken, and the occasional beef burger, but the idea of diet that was all about eating nearly nothing but dead animals was a bit unsettling.
Then I began to pick it all apart. I looked at the diet of certain animals. Cattle are only herbivores, but I’m not a cow. I’m not like any other creature on this planet and so it’s not so easy to know what should be the proper human diet. Cattle and lions diets aren’t influenced by emotions or television. They just eat what comes natural to them. Cattles graze on the grasses and lions eat other animals. So what does the human species eat without any modern outside influences? Makes you think. My mind travels to the cave man days and imagines they just ate anything they could get their hands on that didn’t poison them. I imagine humans had to go through a lot of trial and error as they learned what plants and animals were good to eat.
Anyway, I began to think about the what foods had the most complete nutritional value. I know you get vitamins, minerals, and some protein from plants, but they are carbohydrates creating a lot of sugar in the body. Then I thought about eating meat. Cattle eat all the plants (carbohydrates) so I don’t have to. They eat and process all the bad stuff so my body doesn’t have to and the end result is a meat product that is full of nearly all the vitamins and minerals, and protein I need for a healthy diet. I allowed all this to churn around in my brain for a few weeks while I researched more and began to reduce the amount of fruits and vegetable in my diet while increasing meat. I found that ruminant meats were better for you. That means that lamb and beef would be my main meats with a fried chicken treat once in a while. Out of all the stores in my area Walmart has the lowest price on organic grass fed beef. By the way, nearly everything I eat is organically raised. I don’t want my body filled with chemicals, pesticides, hormones and God know what else. I want my body to have a fighting chance to live without dis-ease.
Today, so far I’ve eaten organic pasture raised chicken eggs, some cheese, and some organic grass fed beef. I was gonna eat an avocado earlier, but I was so full from the eggs, cheese, and beef, there was no desire to eat more.
I need to stress that it is difficult to give up the foods that cause bad health. I guess I don’t know anybody who doesn’t love bread. A fresh hot French baguette with butter…. baguette bad, butter good. It was so hard to wean myself off of all foods containing wheat (gluten). When I did though, my arthritis disappeared and so did the eczema I was experiencing.
I really enjoy making an Asian inspired coleslaw where I add the small fried Chinese noodles to it. I can add those crunchy noodles to anything. The crunch and the flavor lends itself to making anything better. LOL I even added them to the ground beef dish I cooked a few days ago. I felt a bit guilty about the gluten carbs so the last two days I cut them out and something crazy happened. I had also been juicing beets, not wanting to let go of every vegetable, but I also put beet juice on hold. So I was eating very low carb…just eggs, the ground beef with a bit of Italian seasonings and a small amount of tomatoes and onions. Night before last when I went to bed I noticed the neuropathy in my feet didn’t flare up like it usually does. I was like, hmmmmmm???? So, yesterday, only an avocado, and my beef dish. Again another night of no neuropathy flare up. I’m almost afraid to breath a word of hope that restricting my diet is now causing my neuropathy to fade? I’m not making any announcements just yet, but I’m forcing myself to keep my diet restricted and I’ll see if these trend continues.
If you’ve never heard of neuropathy it’s a condition a lot of people get when there nerves are not functioning correctly. It’s a condition that’s still being understood as to what exactly causes it, but mostly it’s thought to be diet related. There are people out there selling supplements to help your nerves recover and I’ve tried those, but they don’t help much. I’m really surprised how my feet have not felt so bad the past two nights.
I began getting this neuropathy tingling numb-ish feeling in my feet about 10 years ago. Stupid doctors said it was everything, but neuropathy. I had to find out on my own that it was neuropathy. Over the years the neuropathy has progressed. When it began years ago it felt like a nagging restlessness in my feet at bedtime and I found if I massaged my feet and flexed my towards backwards and forwards for about five minutes the strange feeling would subside long enough for me to fall asleep.
I’ve heard that neuropathy progresses to a point in some peoples lives that they can’t stand the pain anymore and they have committed suicide. As my neuropathy has slowly gotten worse over the years I am only now beginning to understand how it could get so bad that a person’s life would just be hell. This is why I’m writing so much here about diet. It’s the wrong foods that lead to health problems. I’ve been blessed with great healthy my whole life. This neuropathy things though is very irritating so I’m experimenting with diet elimination and restriction to see what, if anything helps.
I’ve been on blood pressure medicine for some years, but now with the change in my diet my blood pressure is almost back to normal. I’ve come back from the edge of pre-diabetes, so now I wanna get to the bottom of this neuropathy thing. I’m not afraid to take extreme diet measures. I’m doing my research to make sure I’m safe and my nutrition is not lacking. I’m excited at the possibility that my body is responding positively to these tweaks to my diet. Let me tell ya, it wasn’t easy to cut out sugar and wheat gluten foods, but I did it and stand by it because I know how I’ve benefited. Those two things are under the belt, so to speak. Mikhaila Peterson suggests that some people with a lot of health issues could greatly benefit from reducing the amounts of all fruits and vegetables while increasing meat so you body can adjust easier instead of doing an abrupt full-on change to a meat only diet. She feels that if a person can slowly work towards the Lion Diet, then they will see all their health problems disappear. Some people report getting diarrhea when eating only meat. I think the gradual elimination of fruits and veggies is a good idea too. It’s what I’ve done and I haven’t got the shits yet. I seem to have more energy. Let’s see how this experiment goes? I’ll continue to let you know how things go. It’s not easy stopping myself from eating everything yummy in sight, but I’m doing it and I’m seeing good changes. I guess I’m a very skeptical person by nature. I have the determination though to see this through. I am tired of this nagging neuropathy.
8 August 2022
Another friend has past from this life to the afterlife. After family and loved ones, Olivia Newton-John will be someone I hope to see in heaven. In the last week I knew her departure was to be anytime. I sat in my garden singing her songs the other day. I closed my eyes and remembered some years back having the privilege of hearing her voice float on a warm summer’s breeze as she sang at an open-air concert. Phyllis, soon you and I will be gone too.
Death can feel so final when we lose those we’ve known on this earth. Funny, how I made my home here in Palm Springs, California, a popular retirement community affectionately known as “God’s waiting room”. I imagine this is my last stop before reaching the end of the line. How I ever made it this far I imagine is nothing short of a miracle.
I should have died years ago Phyllis when I tried to take my own life after you sent me that letter announcing that you were leaving me and you were so cruel to me over the phone. Now, after living all these years since it doesn’t feel like it’s been worth it.
This blog to you has been my way after all these years to experience all the grief that I tried to run away from when you left me. I ran away from the grief and ran towards things I thought I could lose myself in and forget about you, but it never worked. I guess a person is only gifted one true love in a lifetime. You threw that gift away and I spent the rest of my life trying to heal from the loss.
I wanted so much to unbecome me. The boy who found his soulmate early in life was now forced to live without that love. After my failed attempted to reunite with you when I moved back to Kentucky at age 18 and finding out you’d hastily married another I returned to Florida where I tried to forget you with drinking and drugs, and there was another suicide attempt where only an outside intervention saved me from dying. I’d taken sleeping pills and as I laid there fading away from life I found myself in the dark even as it was only early afternoon. In the darkness a light appeared in the distance and then a male-sounding voice said to me, “If you do this then you will never have a chance to be happy”. Who was this voice? I have no idea. I know I heard it. It was frightening. I no longer cared about being happy so that meant nothing to me and I was ready to die. Those words awakened me though from the forever sleep I was heading into. My eyes opened and I was still in my bed, in my bedroom.
After all these years since that final suicide attempt happiness has still eluded me on this planet. Hearing that voice though inspired me to live and do whatever I needed to do to live and seek out happiness everyday. The boy’s who’s heart was crushed was hopeless. I had to remake my life. I had to escape who I’d been to escape the memory of who I was and would always be–the boy that lost his true love, Phyllis Hogan.
I don’t need to go into details of how I changed my life in an attempt to escape being the boy with a broken heart. You know the details already of that misguided adventure. At least I made my way back. So hear I am all these many years later writing to you via my blog. How pitiful I must appear to people. You sister Zina had her opinion of me. I won’t repeat it.
I’ve lived my life trying to find ways to heal from losing you. None of them worked. It’s as if no time has passed at all. It’s as if the decades have only been the flash of a momentary daydream as I closed my eyes while turning the page of our school yearbook while sitting in the front porch swing with you reminiscing about our past school year together. I know if I saw you again in this life that is exactly how it would feel. It would feel as if none of the years in between or the pain had ever happened. It would be as if we never skipped a beat.
This blog has been my way to grieve and say goodbye. I had so many hopes of reuniting again with you before I left this world, but now I know that is not to be. I began this blog as a way to say goodbye and now I’ve finally worked through the sadness that I couldn’t bear to feel all those years ago. It’s time for me to say goodbye before my life ends and I never get that chance to say goodbye. Know that the boy who used to sit with you in the kitchen on Crestmoor and look into your bright eyes for an eternity still loves you. Nothing has changed. The love has remained. I love you and hope one day I will see you in heaven too.