Before I begin: A note to my readers…

This blog is deeply personal. Yeah, I know my whole website is deeply personal, but this post is extra personal and is about a girl named Arlene Phyllis Hogan. For good for bad, for better or for worse she changed my life. She was, and I guess is, the love of my life. My love for her almost ended my life at age 16 when she broke off our engagement. We reconnected once, but then she stopped corresponding. I still have love in my heart for her, but my lesson with her is that familiar saying: If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back to you they never were yours…

I have to insert a little item before I continue with our history. I watch a tv series called Outlander that I’ll go into more detail about later in this post, but the other night I was watching a rerun from the 4th season of the series called, “False Bride”. A main character of the series named Roger MacKenzie falls in love with a red-headed girl. He has marriage in mind, but she wants to have sex before marriage. I broke down and cried realizing once again this series speaks to the events of my own life. The red-headed gal I loved and wanted to marry did the same thing to me when I had an official engagement ring in my pocket ready and waiting for just the perfect moment to unfold so I could ask her. I say “official” because I’d given her a gift of a Krementz gold bracelet in 1978 as a “promise bracelet”. I considered us engaged to be married already. It was just between us till we were old enough to make it official a couple years later when I turned 18. Yeah, so this episode, “False Bride” really added a new title to and old memory. I broke down and cried. I guess I cried because my situation didn’t follow the same future path that the characters in my show did. They eventually patched things up and were married and lived happily ever after. Phyllis went off and married some guy she hardly knew a month after I turned 18. Maybe she ever truly loved me? Maybe I was just a way to get out of her mother’s house? Well, she got out by marrying a horribly abusive man and has lived miserably ever after. Why she has stayed with him I can only assume that he has threatened to kill her if she ever leaves. You can see the stress in her face. At least I can. She wouldn’t look so stressed and care worn if she would have married me. Ah, well….on with the story…

I met Phyllis when I was 14 and she was 13. We spent a school year getting to know each other, and lost touch over the summer break, but then a friend of me handed me a note with a phone number on it the first week of school, saying it was from some girl who knew me and wanted me to give her a call. I called and was surprised to find out it was the red-headed girl from Alex G. Barret Middle School.

Phyllis sent me this photo of herself on her birthday October 23, 2008. She looks just as lovely as she did when I met her when she was 13. She wasn’t arrayed in fancy pearls back then 🙂 Where’d you get those pretty pearls? You are a gemologist so I guess you’ve collected a lot of jewelry. I wonder if you still have the Krementz gold promise bracelet I gave you before giving you an official engagement ring.

[Edit 16 November 2020: Today I heard the song “Golden Ring” sung by Tammy Wynette and George Jones, the song G-d used to draw me too Him after you dumped me and I spend two weeks in the hospital after trying to suicide. I sat in my bedroom looking at your engagement ring and listening to that song and G-d spoke to me and I began reading the Bible. Not my condensed stories Children’s Bible, but I purchased a regular full version Bible and read it through 3 times. Then in April when I turned eighteen I moved back to Kentucky to live with my grandmother as planned and had begun talking to you on the phone wanting to eventually work towards us meeting and me giving you your ring, but things didn’t happen the way I wanted. I don’t blame you, but G-d had other plans for me and for you. You ran off with some guy you didn’t even know and married him just weeks after my arrival. When I found out you married I was so shocked and hurt. Here I was still following the plan we made before my family ever left Kentucky and you rejected it and look how your life turned out. A hellish marriage with a severely controlling and abusive man, no children. He don’t allow you to have a car or your own life. I’m so sorry Phyllis. I know you have suffered greatly at his hands and now you don’t have your mother for consolation. I know she your rock during your marriage. Now your rock must be Yeshua the Messiah. Had I had an inkling that anything like this would have ever happened to you I would have run away from home and married you before age 18. My mistake was being the good boy always wanting to do what was good and right. I believe that all things work together for good for those who love G-d. I hope you love G-d, Phyllis. (end of edit)

I know Ireland is a big place. Her ancestors and mine both came from there before landing in America. Mine left Scotland to hide out in Ireland after the Battle of Culloden in 1745 to escape The Clearances where many Scottish families were genocided by the British for being connected to the battle. Could Phyllis and I have shared another lifetime together in the 1700’s? It’s a nice idea that fuels the imagine for the book I’m still writing about our life together. I have to admit for this part of my epic biographic novel was inspired by the Outlander Series created by Diana Gabaldon where my poor heart imagines us as the starcrossed couple James Alexander Malcom McKenzie Fraser and Claire Beauchamp Randall Fraser. In the series though I have the red hair and Phyllis has my dark hair lol. As souls have no sex perhaps the roles were reversed back in the day? Regardless, it’s a beautiful love story filled with all the drama and excitement of Scotland of the 1700’s when the British were taking Scotland by force as part of their “United Kingdom” that put an end to the Kings of Scotland. It’s a series full of Scottish history that Scottish people in Scotland even love to watch and they learn things about their history they didn’t know. Diana Gabaldon actually has written one of my ancestors into her books from where the series was created. My Scottish ancestor did not make the cut for scenes in the series, but it’s really an erie connection having one of my own ancestor’s in a series that I’m so drawn to. I secretly hope Phyllis has been watching the series too and views like I do in my imagine as our love story being played out in another lifetime. This is a right nice clip that is a bit of a trailer for the series that summarizes the first two seasons of the series

I believe in destiny. I cannot deny she was drawn to contact me for a reason. She should have went on with her high school years and forgot about me, but she didn’t. There was something that inspired her to call my old friend Sammy Murphy and give him her number for me to call. How she ever remembered his name I’ll never know. I think she must have liked me a lot before I ever knew it.

We spoke on the phone a lot and one day the suggestion came up, her’s or mine I don’t remember, but we were gonna see each other again and I said I could ride my 10-speed over to her house for a visit. I met her mom and her sister Linda. Her mother was a red head like my mom too. We spent an afternoon sitting the front porch swing flipping through the pages of our yearbook and reminiscing about all the characters and personalities we had gone to school with. I have to admit that I’d had no thoughts about her as I had been kinda seeing another girl, but that having ended and with no commitments I found my heart attracted to Phyllis and I know the feeling was mutual. We fell in love.

We saw a lot of each other that fall of 1978. She’d taken on an after school job a small ice cream parlor own by Grover and Geneva Davis. We used to call Mrs. Davis “Old 95” cause she had this amusing habit of throwing her head back to look through her glasses that were down on her nose to see the buttons on the cash register and ring “Ninetyyyy-five”, the price of a Buddy Bar or something. lol How coincidental that Geneva passed away at age 95. See her obituary.

To make a long story short, my mother remarried and decided we would all move to Florida and after 14 months of dating and becoming secretly engaged with a “engagement bracelet” (I guess it was like a promise bracelet) Phyllis and I were forced apart. If I hadn’t been such a well-trained “good boy” I would have lied and told my mom that Phyllis was pregnant with my child and we can’t move and we could have been married and while a deception it would have accomplished the salvation of the only love of my life that left me for another when she claims she didn’t think I was being true to her and she dumped me and when she would not take me back I lost my will to live and suicided. Two weeks later after getting out of the hospital and her mom and my mom talking about what Phyllis’s actions had caused she knew how serious I was and loved her and there was no other and she agreed to take me back. My mother arranged a trip at holiday time that December and she helped me finance an engagement ring that I had in my pocket to give to Phyllis at the perfect moment.

That perfect moment didn’t happen. I thought it was going to happen when her mother ran an errand to the store real quick and I though now was that moment to present her with the ring. She asked me to come upstairs to her bedroom. She went in and flopped on the bed as I stood in the doorway ready to present her with the ring (that I still have), but I was stopped dead in my tracks when she opened her mouth before I could and said something that ruined everything. I’m not gonna repeat it here because it was too private and too heartbreaking for me, but what she asked me broke my heart all over again. Well, time rolls on and heals all wounds they say. When you love someone the forgiveness never ends, until the day they cause you not to love them anymore. Well, a broken heart doesn’t mean you don’t love someone anymore. It means just the opposite. I’ve never stopped loving the one girl that was meant for me that was to have my children that never got the chance to be born. That’s okay though. She married the wrong man, a horribly abusive man and she is afraid he will murder her if she tries to leave him, so out of fear she has stayed with him all these years.

My heart healed some in the year that followed that disappointing December when I didn’t give her the ring, but that ring was still in my pocket and I held onto it for the purpose of trying again when I moved back to Kentucky at age 18 with plans to win her back and marry her. April 1982 finally rolled around and I flew back to Kentucky to live with my grandmother. I flew the day before my 18th birthday because I wanted one of my Granny’s homemade birthday cakes she would always have for me as a kid. I called Phyllis at her mother’s house and let her know I’d returned to Kentucky and why I returned. She seemed happy to talk to me and I was encouraged that I’d finally get to give her that ring I’d been holding onto for almost two years. I felt we were making progress talking, but I was taking it easy considering how she’d already hurt me more than once.

One night, unannounced she and her sister Linda showed up at the farm and came a knocking at the door, but my grandmother forbade me from going to the door. Because I grew up programed by my abusive mother to obey or face dire consequences, although my heart ached to answer the door and have her and her sister come in and meet my grandmother, the “good boy” I was programmed to be dared not go against my grandmother’s wishes. Growing up with a mentally and physically abusive mother really get’s you brainwashed to obey and respect authority. I dared not cross my grandmother. I guess my grandmother was fearing I was gonna run off and marry Phyllis and leave her, but that wasn’t my plan at all. I was hoping we’d marry and we’d share my bedroom in my grandmother’s house and live there till we could one day set up house of our own somewhere else. Well, anyway, I guess Phyllis didn’t like the outcome of her surprise visit, and it proved to be another huge stumbling block for our reconciliation. It wasn’t until years later that I found out that it was only a matter of weeks after that night that Phyllis up and married Patrick Hickey right in my own backyard nearly. I hope one day she explains what the hell was going on with her that she wanted to have sex before marriage and ran off and married some guy she hardly knew before her and I could get our plans figured out. So, anyway, like the words of the haunting Randy Travis song, “There was a time when she was mine in 1982.”

She’s paid a heavy price for her mistakes so I’m not looking to rub her nose in it. Now her rock, her mother is deceased and she has nobody to talk to so she just plays the role of wife with her abuser and honors her wedding vow “till death do us part”. I just hope it’s his death and not her death and that I get to see her again this side of heaven.


Phyllis, I mailed your birthday card today 19 October 2020. The card is a mess. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it and the pen wouldn’t write on the shiny card surface so I switched to a red permanent marker…ugh. There was hardly room to write pleasant and cohesive thoughts and well wishes so I hope that first birthday card in over 30 years will not frighten you like it’s from crazed stalker lol. I just love you and I always have and there’s not been a year go by that I didn’t remember your birthday with joy and tears of what should have been.

I hope the card gets there before or on the 23rd. I hope Patrick doesn’t see it and get nosey demanding to know who it’s from and throw a fit. In my heart I cannot apologize for this action that could cause you some trouble with him. I don’t want you to suffer any consequences, but you’ve left me no other way to make contact. Joan was b*tch to me on when we exchanged messages. You’ve made the best of your mistake by staying married to an abusive man you should have never married and that makes me proud of you because I know if it would have been me you married I’d have a faithful and true love for life. I think I still do, but you are just in a horrible situation that I’m probably making worse and for that I do apologize. You married the wrong man. You deprived us both of the children we were supposed to have, the ones G-d had for us. I still have the ungodly expensive engagement ring I never gave to you the day you broke my heart at your mother’s house when you tried to entice me to have sex before marriage. I had it in my pocket that day and my mother was expecting to gather me up that day after our visit and hear the good news, but instead you crushed me by not honoring the sacredness of marriage. Well, see what you got yourself into? I’m not blaming or shaming. I’m just saying what you already know. We would have had a beautiful life… My grandmother was agreeable to let us build a home on her 20 acres down by the lake and eventually you would have owned and drove you own car to work at Prospect Jewelers. We were young, yes, but we were in love and right for each other. I don’t know if you’ll ever humble yourself to tell me all the issues you had going on that made you up and marry that abusive controlling asshole who’s made your life a living nightmare. I know you are scared he’ll try to kill you if you leave him so I know all you can do is honor the vow you took, “till death do us part”, but I hope it will be his death and not your own that will gain you freedom from the prison you created. If you haven’t watched it already, get a DVD set of the Outlander series and watch it and I know you’ll realize why I’m so attached to this series with Jamie and Claire. In my heart it’s like you and I in another lifetime. It’s been the inspiration for my life story/novel combination where I place you and I in the civil war era via reincarnation, and also have our present day lives with the one exception that you married me instead of Patrick. I’ve never loved another. I still love you. I always will. In my heart I imagine you feel the same and all it would take is one look into each other’s eyes to confirm it that our love never died, but just got put on hold while you went on a bad detour. We will probably have to wait to see each other on the other side because I believe very much so that the Son of G-d is set to return to this earth next year. I hope you will read my website and learn what you need to do to gain salvation. I’ll write it all out for you on this page later as I make updates. I want to see you in heaven. These years of separation from the only girl I ever loved have not been the happiest and an eternity without you I can’t imagine. So, happy 56th birthday and I hope to hear from you….

TO BE CONTINUED…. Sometime after the 23’rd of October 2020

UPDATE: 23/10/2020 4:25pm pst – Well, it’s not after the 23’rd of October here in California, but it is in Australia! lol Do I get credit for it being after October 23rd somewhere? lol

I’ve put the Shabbes bread in the oven that’s been rising all afternoon. I fed a sourdough starter all week long, even took it outside onto the porch to gather some natural wild desert yeast for that local flavor. I’ve heard the natural yeast in the air in San Francisco makes the best sourdough bread in the world. I’m making two loaves of cinnamon-raisin bread for a friend (I don’t eat gluten because it causes arthritis). I made one loaf of gluten-free buckwheat bread for me. I purchase the whole buckwheat and turn it into flour in seconds in the NutraBullet. A little yeast, water and dash of sugar and salt and it makes the best non-gluten bread. BTW, don’t let the name “Buckwheat” fool you. I have no idea why they named it Buckwheat because it is not from the wheat family and has no gluten in it. Oh! The rabbit holes of story telling I go down sometimes! lol

Phyllis, I wanted to say Happy Birthday on your birthday today. I hope my card got to you without Patricks notice and no problems were caused. It’s not my desire to cause any trouble for you or Patrick. I may not like the fact that he is with you and your marriage to him was the biggest mistake of your life in some ways, but G-d made it happen because you had to learn a lesson. I don’t say that with a mean spirit, but everything that happens in our lives G-d is behind as a teaching tool to help us elevate our souls.

You made a vow before G-d with Patrick and I support that vow. No matter how I feel, Patrick is your husband before G-d and it is my duty to respect that marriage even though my feelings are that I should have been your husband and we should be living happily ever after with grandchildren by now, a daughter named Jewel after your Father, a son named David after my Father, and who knows how many more G-d would have blessed us with. I know you said you had some medical issue that prevented you from having children, but you know what I believe about that? I believe G-d shut up your womb because you married the wrong man and having children with such an abusive man would have only been a horrible situation for you and the children, BUT, if you had children your protective motherly instinct may have given you the courage to leave Patrick to prevent the children from being abused the way Patrick has abused you over the years. He will pay for his sins on day.

Speaking of Patrick paying for his sins…. Someone else already paid for his sins and if you and I are to never meet again before our Savior returns I hold no ill will against Patrick and I would like both him and you to be saved.

You know how to pray and give your heart to G-d through Messiah Yeshua. That’s a simple task. Just a prayer to ask for forgiveness for all your sins known and unknown and ask Him to come into your heart and be your teacher and Savior. Then according to ACTS 2:38 you must be baptised in the Name of Yeshua for the remission of sins and this is when the Holy Spirit will come to dwell inside of you to lead and guide you into all truths. Yeshua made it so easy for us, for you, for Patrick. If I never see you this side of Heaven again then I do want to see you in Heaven at the Marriage Supper of the Lamb even if Patrick is there too. lol Bible says that in Heaven we are known as we are known, but we are no longer married in Heaven like we were on earth. We have a whole new understand once released from the physical bonds of mortality on this earth.

In the event though that G-d should take Patrick before the rapture happens then I’d like you to consider raising grandchildren with me. We are old enough now to be grandparents. I was born when my grandmother was 50 and she was more like a mother to me than my mom ever was. There is still that little glimmer of hope. There are so many unfortunate children with no mother or father just dying of loneliness in orphanages all over this world who would be so happy to have loving parents

Well, anyway… I hope you got my card and it did not upset you, but I hope it made your heart feel good to know that I still love you and have your best interest at heart no matter what road your life has taken or will take in the future. If love someone set them free. If they return to you they are yours. If they don’t they never were yours…

I will write more of my thoughts to you here in time. This page is going to become a journal of my thoughts about you and us and what happened that forever changed both our lives “for better or for worse”…