Journal to Phyllis Hogan

6 May 2021

Hey, Phyllis, I was learning about Biblical marriage the other day. This revelation has been coming in pieces for a time and part of the revelation came from the Outlander tv series that I watch. There is a bit of information gathered here so before explaining it all chronologically let me get to the punch line right away. I know you probably are not aware of the Biblical definition of marriage, but basically when a couple becomes physically intimate as a couple they are considered engaged. I commemorated our engagement privately with that engagement bracelet I gave you before giving you a ring publically modern style. So, we were secretly engaged between ourselves, but most importantly we were engaged in G_d’s eyes. Biblically, when a couple becomes engaged they are considered married. Because Biblical marriage begins with engagement this means that the couple is allowed to have sexual relations.

The path leading up to this knowledge started with that Outlander series I watch. Until I found out my Scottish ancestry though my great-great maternal grandmother Morrison I had an unexplainable attraction to the Outlander series. Rabbi Yair Davidy is an expert in tracing the lost tribes and he confirms the Scots are Jewish and also the Irish. G_d has prepared and lead me to discovering I’m Jewish in a mysterious way.

All this confirms how I felt about our engagement carrying the weight of marriage before I even knew these facts about Biblical marriage.

What does this all mean? In G_d’s eyes you and I are husband and wife, and your marriage to Patrick Hickey is adulterous. That’s not my view. It’s Biblical from G_d. Yeshua would say to you, “Go, and sin no more.” Do you know the passages about Yeshua dealing with the woman who was caught in the very act of adultery? He did not condemn her, but told her to not do it anymore. I might be just talking to the wind as I don’t even know if you believe in G_d or not. I hold in my heart the girl I used to know and love. I hope she still exists.

13 April 2021

I’ve been trying to make this website more compact for my readers. That means I’ve deleted quite a few pages that I feel were distracting from my central message. In that effort, Phyllis, I thought I’d remove the two pages I’d written about us and create only one page where I’d write my thoughts to you like a journal. Whenever thoughts of you come into my mind I can release them to you here whether you will ever read them or not. I hope it’s a way to let go of thoughts and memories, or at least work through them better. I hope you don’t mind that I make this journal to you.

I know you remember when my family first moved away from Kentucky and I’d write you letters everyday. There came a time when you stopped me from writing you those physical letters, but since that time I’ve written you many thousands of letters in my heart. Today is another one of those days when thoughts of you have invaded my mind unprovoked.

My birthday (today) comes and goes each year nearly unnoticed now. In the last few years the day has slipped up on me and if I’m not careful it can pass unless I’m keeping track of the calendar. Living the retired lifestyle with everyday being my own leaves little use for a calendar anymore. In grade school we had to write the date on papers many times each day and the date was always present in my head, but after high school ended so did the repetitive writing of the date and that instant knowing of the date began to fade from consciousness. What is time anyway?

My grandmother never missed my birthday when she was living. She always made me a homemade birthday cake. As I stood at the kitchen sink this morning washing some dishes I gazed out my window at the snow capped mountains. For just a moment my attention was averted from the present, the view faded and was replaced by a memory in my mind of the view out of the kitchen window on the farm. You never got to see that home that was going to be yours one day, but the dining room was just off the kitchen separated by a door. My little daydream continued to a birthday luncheon in the dining room with my loved ones gathered around. This is where you one again invaded my thoughts unprovoked.

I was seated at the head of the table with grandma to my left and you were seated across from her to my right, the two most important and most loved women in my life. Our kids were at the other three chairs. Why does the mind so quickly imagine such things? Maybe it’s really happening in an alternate universe? I glimpse into the wonderful life that I imagined for us? Part of me wishes my imagination wouldn’t create such faux memories, but another part of me is soothed by such an invasion. It’s like that Jimmy Stewart movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, except in reverse.

As our story has had a presence in my websites over the years I’ve had people write to me about how touching it is to them to read my story about still loving the only girl I ever loved after all these years even though things didn’t turn out the way I’d planned. I imagine there are also the haters out there who would write to me to tell me I’m like an obsessed stalker and to just move on with my life. Certainly I have moved on enjoying a full life on the road less traveled, and G_d knows how sometimes I’ve wished I could just forget or have your memories wiped away by a hypnotist or some other wishful thinking method, but I have to live in the real world where memories don’t fade so easily. The brain is an amazing organ how it can store billions of memories and flash them before your eyes and have you reliving a moment in time even if you hadn’t had that particular memory revived in decades.

It would be an understatement to say I’ve had a life full of “road less traveled” experiences after you left me. Regardless of my feelings I KNOW that everything happens for a reason and G_d is running the show. All that has happened is for the good and if I never see you again then that will be how G_d has meant things to be this time around. G_d comes first in my life, and the love He has put in my heart does not allow me to become too upset about anything for too long. I’m only human and I have my disappointments and emotions, but I try to keep them all in check knowing that our loving heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and I must gain strength knowing that His plan is perfect and we can generally just sit back and enjoy the ride.

A thought just popped into my head. Wouldn’t it be nice if G_d were to be so generous to allow us to meet again one day and that it could be like a repeat of that first day I came to your home on Crestmoor on my 10-speed bicycle? We could sit in the porch swing and catch up on old times just as we did nearly 40 years ago. Remember the words of that song, “wouldn’t it be nice if we were older and we wouldn’t have to wait so long”? I didn’t think waiting till I turned 18 for us to marry was so long. Some times I make myself feel uncomfortable imagining that I’m still waiting for you knowing the only way I’ll ever see you again is if you are widowed. I don’t like to have such thoughts, but I guess the imagination can be very logical at times.

Do you mind if I share how different my life would be now if you’d never left me? I would have stayed on track and it would have been you and I and our kids working on the farm today. We would have lived with my grandmother at first, but I had the idea to build us a home with the front porch overlooking the lake.I imagine how things would have changed on the farm and how many things would have stayed the same. Do you think it’s silly for me to share these thoughts with you?

I need you to know I’m no ways bitter. Was I hurt, yes. Disappointed, yes. However, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. The most important part of that Biblical passage is that “love keeps no account of wrongs” and that’s how I think of you. I have unanswered questions, but I realize in all this is that G_d has had a purpose for everything that has happened to each of us since our separation and I cling to that assurance. Whatever will be will be. I’m just letting you know I’m still here and if I’m ever blessed to see you again there will be no place for anger or rehashing old disappointments. There will only be great humility and thanks to G_d for another chance know again the only girl who ever owned my heart.

I wonder if you ever think of me on this day the way I’ve thought of you on the 23rd of October every year for all these many years? You probably haven’t thought of me like that because I was replaced by someone else you were supposed to love. I know it didn’t work out well for you and Patrick has been awful abusive to you, but if it’s any consolation my life has been a living hell at times too without the perfect life unfolding that I had envisioned for us.

Funny, all the little daydreams that crept in over the years. I’m gonna close for now and I hope you don’t mind that I’ll write to you often here.