Journal to Phyllis Hogan

“I found your diary beneath a tree and started reading about me.”

~lyrics to “Diary” by Bread 1972

Phyllis sent me this photo of her in 2008

Phyllis, many will say that there are plenty more fish in the sea, but I say, “Not for me”.

Everything after you has been like how a drug addict continually seeks a new drug to take the heartache away. Thank G_d I never became a drinker or a drug user.

I placed myself into all kinds of bad situations and experiences hoping to lose myself or find myself in them, but that was escapism. I wanted to be anybody as long as I wasn’t the person I was left being without you. All those needless things I went through trying to escape a life that felt ruined. Nothing else I pursued satisfied.

Somehow life has gone on for years without you, but nothing ever vanquished the memories in my heart of the girl I dreamed would be my bride in white, and mother of my children. I’ve imagined the mile stones in the lives of the children we never had. By now I guess we’d have grandchildren on the family farm in LaGrange, growing up where I grew up with the beautiful meadows, the spring, the pond and lake, cattle, chickens, evenings on the front porch swings.

Memories of a true love unfulfilled. I imagine events that never happened to somehow salvage lost years, and fill pages of a cherished scrapbook that never got to be.

My prayer is to be reunited with you before my time on earth is gone. To hold your hand again before I close my eyes for the last time. To know you did love me as much as I have loved you. If not I can still imagine finding you in heaven and there we will be surrounded by the children that were meant to be.

If I must wait till the next re-incarnation to be with you again I’ll be sure to get you pregnant at the earliest possibility to ensure you will be mine. Do you know how many times I kicked myself in the head for not having sex with you when you asked me to? Little did I know you were trying to consummate our union with a child that day. Silly me, wanting to wait till after the wedding to do that. Lesson learned.

AND So…. I write you letters by the thousands in my mind, and some of them actually get recorded here in this journal…

~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~

30 July 2021

Phyllis, I often take memories of us and revision them. Often when I’m doing therapeutic and meditative things like cooking it gives me time to think. This morning I was making my pitcher of juice for the next couple days. The juice I make is really good, by the way 🙂 It’s equal parts celery, carrot, beet, blackberry, and tamarind. Anyway, this morning while preparing it I was thinking back to that night when you and I went out to dinner at that restaurant in the hotel across the river in Indiana. It’s a very sweet memory and it was a wonderful evening we had at our own table while my family ate at another table. In my imagination this morning I revisioned the evening. It’s so easy to revision things when looking at them in hindsight. I imagined however that I used that lovely evening to ask you to become my wife and present you with an engagement ring. Oh, how wonderful life would have been if I had done that. I think we both would have been spared many heartaches over the last 40 years.

Today, I wanted to imagine a photo of you and I together so I took the photo you had taken at your birthday and gave me and tried to blend it together with a photo of mine from about the same time. I’m not good at photoshop, but the photo still gives me a warm feeling. I wish it could be a real photo of the two of us together. G_d willing, there may come a day when we take such photo’s together again.

I hope you are well and feeling happy today. My dogs Molly and George had a couple puppies a few weeks ago and they been keeping me busy. Here are a couple pics of Molly and George, and their two sons, Pugsley puddle pup, and his smaller brother wee Willie. I had to supplement Willie with bottle feeding for the first couple weeks because he was not very strong and I was afraid I’d lose him. They had just begun to open their eyes when I took this photo. They are a couple weeks older now and much bigger and fluffier.

I remember your dog Princess the white Samoyed you used to have. Have you had other pets? For 16 years I had a couple of Lhasa Apso’s and their names were Becky and Spyke. More times than I can count I’ve mistakenly called my current dogs, Molly and George, by their names. They were sweet little friends and I miss them. Ah, Pugsley and Willie are waking up from their nap and starting to whine. I better get up and let Molly in to nurse them. Have a nice day 🙂

12 July 2021

Phyllis, several days ago, by the grace of G_d, I reconnected with my best friend Danny from my high school years. It’s crazy to see him now with a son and daughter as old as we used to be when we knew each other. It’s been nearly 30 years since we last saw each other, but we reconnected nearly like picking up where we left off. It’s amazing how good memories quickly bridge the gap of years that past by without seeing each other. I am thankful for reconnecting. When I graduated from high school, and was more than ready to get out on my own, Danny and his roommates gave me a place to begin.

It takes me back, of course, to the scary memories of life with my abusive alcoholic mother. I was telling Danny how everyday at school I would dread when the final bell would ring and it was time to take the school bus home. The moment that last bell rang my anxiety level would rise as I’d begin being fearful of what I would find a home. Would this be another one of my mother’s drunk and abusive nights or would there be calm. Would there be blood tonight or peace.

I tell you this because I need you to know that even though my mother was horrible to me even till the day she took her last breath on this earth that I have forgiven her. It was August 1994 which was the 1st anniversary of her death and I’d lit a candle next to her photo on my fireplace mantle and I’d rehearsed a lot of bones I wanted to pick with her. I stood there and drew in a slow deep breath as I closed my eyes seeking clarity, and I asked, “Mother, where do I begin?” I suddenly felt a sweet peace come over me as I had an epiphany. I said, “Mama, your on the other side now with no veil to conceal anything. I had a long list of things I wanted to tell you, but this moment, in an instant, I understand that you already know everything I was gonna say. You know how much you broke my heart with all the things you did to hurt me in this life. Even though you had hate in your heart till you took your last breath, I know if you could only come back for two minutes you would say,’I’m sorry’, and you’d put your arms around me and tell me you love me for the first time ever.”

I walked away from her candle lit photo on the mantle with peace and release through the forgiveness I gave her and one day I hope I will be able to see her on the Other Side where “all the former things are past away”. One loving hug from her on the other side will make up for a lifetime of abuse.

Phyllis, I am telling you about Danny and my mother today because I want you to know about the power of forgiveness in my life and how many years passing are nothing when you reunite with someone you care deeply about. These two events in my life give me a similar hope about you. If it be G_d’s will and Patrick leaves this world before you or I do then I really hope you will want to see me again. I can’t imagine you ever had any love for Patrick and especially not now after all the years of abuse you have suffered from him, but one day when he is gone you will be free from your vow and I will be free as well to see you in respect to G_d’s Law. I remember how your eyes and everything about you sparkled when you’d smile at me and I’d give anything to see that sweet smile of yours again that comes from a heart that never stopped loving me, Bright Eyes.

5 July 2021

I was in prayer today asking our heavenly Father why he gave you two unsupportive sisters like Joan and Zina. Zina saying she didn’t like to get involved in her friends/family’s marriages really stuck a cord, a sad one.

I asked G_d why you have sisters that are so heartless. That still small voice (1 Kings 19) said, “Just as the Nazi’s in Germany extinguished the life of my people, Joan and Zina are spiritual Nazi’s. With a touch of a button they deleted you so they didn’t have to face their conscience. Just as Hitler found out his final solution would be no final solution, neither of them pressing the delete button on you will be a final solution to their seared consciences.” Then that still small voice spoke again, “Zina says she does not want to get involved in friends/family’s marriages. If she would have gotten involved in her own marriage with John Gelona she wouldn’t be divorced now and living in an unnatural relationship with another woman.”

Why do people choose to be so evil and uncompassionate in this world? Yeshua said, “What you do to the least of these you also do to me”. Every deed, good or bad done in this world is being written in the Lamb’s Book of Lives (aka Akashic Record).

4 July 2021

Well, Phyllis, it’s another sad day. You sister Zina finally wrote back to me on Ancestry.com with this message:

This was her blow off response before she blocked me from contacting her on Ancestry.com.

Notice the MOST IMPORTANT thing she wrote about her lack of concern for your welfare: “I try not to get involved in my family’s and friend’s marriages.”

I’m really horrified how both Joan and Zina don’t seem to give a shit about you. I don’t even know if they know or care how much Pat Hickey has abused you all these years and that you live under the threat of him killing you if you were to ever leave him. I sure hope we don’t see a day when you show up dead at Pat’s hands and all Zina or Joan have to say is they didn’t want to get involved. It is so sad they have such a lack of care and concern for their own sister.

I don’t know Phyllis, maybe you have abused spouse syndrome or something and you never have told your sisters the things you told me or told Donna at your former job at the jeweler in Prospect. That lady was a good soul. She was really frightened about all she witnessed between you and Patrick and things you told her about his abuse to you.

I am so sorry your own family does not care enough about you to become involved. What I am sorry about most of all is I feel responsible for the situation you find yourself in. I will assume that the day you wanted me to have sex with you was because it was your fertile days and you wanted to become pregnant so it would force our families to allow us to be married. You didn’t communicate that to me so I interpreted it the wrong way. If I had only done what you wanted then you would have never married Patrick Hickey and you would have had a wonderful life with me and we would have the happiness of children and grandchildren. Life would have been so different and lovely for both us had I followed your lead. Instead, both of us have suffered greatly. I’m sorry.

3 July 2021

I noticed your mother was not married next to your father. Why is that? Why is she buried in Louisville and he is buried in Cave City? That’s something else that boggles my mind. Were they in an unhappy marriage that your mom didn’t want to be buried next to your dad? I don’t know the answer, but knowing they are not buried together as husband and wife makes me feel sad.

2 July 2021

Just so you know, this blog is not a “one time entry” type of blog. I’ll probably be often repeating certain memories or questions I’ve had as they return to mind for this or that reason. Guess it will be like listen to old people’s war stories, so to speak. I remember stories I’d heard from my grandmother so many times that I’d often tune out while she was repeating a story for the umpteenth time. Now, I find myself clinging tenderly to each and every one of those stories I can remember as a way to keep her alive in my mind. I greatly miss my grandmother. She was part of me. I have often said that I feel we shared a soul between us.

What I was going to be sort of repetitive today on concerns Ancestry.com and my contact with Joan and my attempted contact with Zina. I already knew from years ago that Joan was a bit of a firebrand so it was no surprise to me when she treated me nasty, but the surprise was that she treated me so badly and said such ugly things to me when she claims to be such a Christian. Yeshua had a lot to say about hypocrites. Aside from Joan, as I said, I’ve also tried to contact Zina on her Ancestry.com account.

As you can see below, I wrote a very nice message to Zina and she read it as you see the time stamp that is places on a messages that that have been read by the recipient. It’s there, just below my message, bottom right. As the usual such courtesy I waited three days for a reply and was going to message her again, but waited till the 28th and wrote her again to express my disappointment. She read that note the next day and did not respond to that one either.

If either Joan or Zina would have kindly explained to me why they did not want to be of assistance to me I could have graciously accepted that and moved on cause that’s the kind of person I am. Instead, both of them chose behavior that exhibits their like of care for my feelings, or anyone else’s feelings for that matter. It’s about character. When you treat one innocent person in a hurtful fashion you will treat all others the same way.

1 July 2021

Another year half over. Hey, do you remember Spring Break 1978? I know you do because remember I came back from Spring Break all tanned after spending a week in Fort Lauderdale, and Key West. I thought of that today because it’s just one of those lovely summer day’s when you wanna say to your friends, “Let’s all go to the water park!” Have you ever been to a water park? I remember you had purchased a turquoise-colored one piece and you sent me pictures of you it. I believe it was in the photo’s I returned to your with your Raggedy Ann doll? Did you keep all the photos or did you feel unsafe keeping them because of your abuser? I can still see all the photo’s in my memory.

I was wondering if you took a liking to eating Sushi when you lived in Okinawa? I love sushi. I prefer just the fish cause rice turns to sugar and my body don’t like sugar. Many places don’t know how to make sushi rice well anyways so it’s not worth eating it, but I know places where the sushi rice is prepared the perfect way it’s supposed taste and I’ll treat myself to a couple of pieces of sushi with the rice when it’s that good.

Were conditions good with the Japanese when you were there. I know for a long time American’s were hated there because many of the American service men raped the Japanese women and even murdered quite few of them. Did you ever have trouble there? Did you become fluent in Japanese? Oh! A funny memory. Do you remember telling about a day at school when you were in line at the bookstore and you commanded, “Hey Jap! Give me a pencil?”

My mother liked Florida a lot. It was a favorite vacation site for us and we’d always drive all the way down to Lake City, Florida and stay the first night and drive the rest of the way down to our destination the next day. I remember that first night in April 1978 after we settled into our hotel room we ventured out walking to a restaurant and the warm tropical breeze that felt so luxurious brought with it music as it flowed out of some establishment. I’ll never forget the song was Alicia Bridges singing, I Love The Nightlife. She had a unique voice. She’s dead now along with so many of the people that sang the music that is like a personal soundtrack of the memories of my life. Remember how you and I used to sit in the dining room of your home and listen to Simon & Garfunkel, and the Beach Boys on vinyl records? Does anybody still have those records? They are probably collectors items today.

28 June 20

Although David Gates of the band Bread wrote “Everything I own” about his father, many people like myself relate through the song as if it were about a broken relationship. I know many, many times this song would catch me by surprise on the radio and my heart would break all over again, Phyllis.

19 June 2021

Friends and family always used to tell me, “You’ll heal in time”. I did a lot of things to try to heal. After a couple years I got the bleeding to stop. Graduating high school opened up a whole new busy world to keep my mind off you. I registered for college, but then just before classes were to start I flew off to Europe with a backpack and $400 dollars in my pocket. My heart scabbed over, but it took a long time for a tough scar to form over the last 30 years. Now, that I’ve entered to last years of my life I’ve been reviving memories and asking questions that I tried to block out over the years.

The memories and questions have intensified since I began writing my book. Speaking of that book, you know I contacted your sister Joan and asked her to have you contact me because I wanted your permission for the publishing to have you in my book. Joan said some really nasty things to me and then she blocked me from writing back to her. After the way she treated me I was really shocked to see on her Facebook page that she is all about being a Christian, but you sure wouldn’t know it from her actions.

I had been writing my own life story for years, but didn’t feel enough heart about my own story that it would be interesting enough without a lot of other characters and interesting situations. Over the last few years as I have been watching my Outlander series it inspired me to take a bit of a turn to have my book to become a novel. Where the book takes a turn is that it is no longer only an autobiography of this life, but I’ve added the reincarnation theme to the book that begins with me doing a past life regression to the civil war period when you and I shared another lifetime together as husband and wife.

Writing my book so things are historically correct is important to me. I’ve spent years researching the various periods I write about where you and I shared previous lifetimes together, always finding each other again as soul mates. All the researching and trying to create stories of other lifetimes caused me to delve deep into this lifetime of memories with you. While I was out in the garden this morning feeding the ducks I was wondering why you didn’t value me returning to Kentucky to live when I was 18 with plans to marry you. So many of your actions I just don’t understand, but I’d like to understand. A lot of questions come up in my mind as to your motivations for things you did, but they are all imaginations. One day I hope we will have long talks about what lead you to take certain actions when we were teens.

14 June 2021

It’s me again. I have to say that writing this journal to you takes a lot of courage on my part. It’s not an easy thing to do, but I feel it is a necessary thing that I do.

When you and I were together the briefs hours we would spend together were never spent getting to know each other deeply, psychologically. As I never met my father until I was 25-years-old I cannot know what you went though loosing your father a few years before we met. Also, you cannot know what I suffered with an abusive mother who tried to stab me to death when I was 12-years-old.

What I suffered as a child and teen with my mother was horrible, but what became part of my psyche and strength was the knowing that I survived. Out of utter chaos and terror was born a person that had learned that every day survived was like a new lease on life where anything was possible. Where there is life there is hope, the saying goes.

These experiences shaped the person I grew into that remained full of hope for tomorrow. What does one have to loose when only hours the day before their life could have been taken away? Perhaps those abusive childhood experiences that shaped the person I became made me hyper unafraid to take chances in life, often leaping without looking.

Even though you leaving me for another man broke my heart deeply it provided the rest of my life with a foundation. Once you’ve hit bottom there is no place to go but up. I was lost and no longer has a compass, but the training of my abusive childhood allowed me to continue on even after all hope was lost, but I continued on with reckless abandon.

My mother would always say the turn my life took after you was because I never wanted to be hurt by putting my hopes in a woman ever again. She saw my reckless path as a way to avoid any and all emotional entanglement. At the time I thought my mother had no clue to what I was going through, but after I spent enough years trying to find my way I believe she was right, in part. There were two girls in my life after you left me, but I never allowed myself any emotional attachment to them. I only allowed myself to get so close and then I’d back away. They were like a test to see if I had any emotions left after you had deserted me. I learned I did still have emotions, but I knew I could never trust again, and so my life too a direction that would ensure I’d never have my heart broken again.

Getting back to you… I’ve always wondered what made you do the things you did. How you could tell me you love me and agree to wait for me and be my wife and then suddenly change and run off with another just when I’d returned to live near you so we could begin to understand and repair our relationship. I was just getting my grandmother used to the idea that I was talking with you again when you took it upon yourself to show up that night at my grandmother’s home with no notice. You and I had not even gotten to the point of discussing the idea of seeing each other again and here you just show up at my grandmother’s home with no warning.

What was going on in your head that made you feel it was appropriate to come to my grandmother’s home when I had no even disclosed her address. I remember you telling me because you knew her name you asked town’s folk where she lived and that is how you found the farm. While I appreciate the spunk, my grandmother was quite shocked and found your behavior quite inappropriate. Don’t forget my grandmother was from a different time having grown up in the Victorian era when ladies just didn’t act like that.

I think my grandmother would have seen such actions as controlling, and deceitful, and without care for how your actions would affect others. All she knew of you is what she’d been told by my mother and myself, much more from my mother I’m sure. Your actions were disrespectful to my grandmother and her home. You just took it upon yourself to come there uninvited. I believe, after a stunt like that, my grandmother would have taken a long time to forgive such behavior and take the chance to get to know you. I have to realized also that my grandmother may have never believed me that you came there uninvited. I have to also take into account that my grandmother may have felt threatened by you. She probably felt you had the power to take me away from her because of my love for you. Had everything worked out the way I had wanted you and your mother would have come out to meet my grandmother on an invited and much anticipated occasion. As my plan would have progressed we would have been married and made our home there at the farm. I imagined building a home of our own down near the lake where we’d start a family, and we’d still be there today continuing the family farm with beef cattle, chickens and the garden with all the little helpers that would have come into our life.

I’m sure you’ve seen that old movie with Jimmy Stewart, It’s a Wonderful Life? Imagine how perfect it all could have been? Instead, you forfeited love and children for an abusive psycho named Patrick Hickey that you hardly knew and you ran off and married him barely within a month of my return to Kentucky to make you my own bride. I have to ask in the most respectful way, what in the world was going on in your head that made you do such desperate things? Were you suffering from the death of your father a few years before we met? Did he leave an emotional pit inside you that was desperate to be filled? You actions made me feel like I was nothing more to you than a type of band-aide for something you were suffering from. If I didn’t give you what you wanted you were going to move on quickly to get it from another man. You were on a mission to get married to any man to fill some need, but that need was not love was it? I’m just grasping at straws trying to understand why you did what you did. I’ve never been allowed any answers. I’m sure you’ve had many years to understand why you did what you did and also many years to regret jumping into a marriage with an abusive man. I’d really like you to fill in the blanks one day and tell me what you were going through that made you make such poor decisions.

Let me close by saying that I’m only looking to understand. Please don’t take anything I say or ask as if I’m angry. The past is the past and forgiveness is the only path to put pain of the past behind us and be able to live in love in the here and now. I believe that all things happen for a reason so I try to live a life without regrets, and know that G_ds work’s all things together for good.

4 June 2021

13 years ago you sent me this photo of you. It’s hard to believe it’s been 13 years. Is that an opal you are wearing around your neck? I see you are wearing pearls…they suit you. When I see you in pearls, I know it’s silly, but it makes me think of that favorite series I watch called Outlander. In the series Jamie gave Claire a strand of pearls that had belonged to his mother. Being a gemologist I imagine you’ve gathered quite a collection of jewelry.

It appears you hair has begun to lighten a bit over the years, maybe a touch of grey starting? Do me a favor? Never hide your true hair color. I know you mother and my mother both used to use red hair color to enliven their former brighter red hair color, but I prefer natural. I love grey hair color and I think you look just as stunning with grey and sparkling blue eyes. I imagine you have more gray now these 13 years later.

Today I found this video in my subscription list. It’s about prophecies concerning our Messiah Yeshua. Rabbi Kaduri’s prophecies concerning the return of Yeshua will either be proven true or false this coming in just a couple weeks. June 23, 2021 is the date. I’m not a date setter believer, but I believe that everyone should simply be READY AT ALL TIMES. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8Y8H81zgxk&t=758s

29 May 2021

Today I was going through old photos from when I lived in France. I was deleting photos I no longer wanted to be reminded of the contents. I have found that I often need to purge stuff that piles up. I prefer a minimalist lifestyle with not too many possessions. Too many possessions makes me feel like there are too many things to keep track of and so an uncluttered life makes for an uncluttered mind. I remember when I moved from my house I had in South Dakota to California. When you have a house you sure do have a lot of room to collect stuff. Before moving I did a big purge even letting go of furniture and things my grandmother had given me. I felt hanging onto so many things for sentimental reasons was close to a mental disorder like hoarding. I felt that as long as I had the memories then that was the most dear thing to my heart, not the object itself.

In other thoughts… I had thought of something yesterday that I wanted to mention to you, but forgot to write about it at the time. Remember that conversation we had about why you and Patrick never had children together? I’ve often wondered about that. I come across places in the Bible where women could not conceive like the famous story of Sarah and Abraham, yet G_d opened her ability to conceive after she had thought she was too old to have a baby. My point being that G_d does have control over the blessing of if a couple has children or not. I don’t want it to sound like I’m being mean, but I have often wondered if G_d didn’t allow you to have children with Patrick because I was supposed to be the father of your children. There have been moments in my life when I missed being a father. In particular, and I think it was when you had been calling me in 2008, I was walking home from the gym one day and I always pass a school yard that’s a big sports green surrounded by a tall chain link fence to keep baseballs and such from flying out into the street. One day I saw some little leaguer’s having a baseball game. I just gave them a passing glance while I was walking, but for some reason I suddenly stopped to watch one little boy who was up at bat. I turned and stood with my nose to the fence and my fingers through the fence holding on while I watch to see if he’d strike the ball. I felt this deep pang of emotion hit me. I knew there was an empty place inside me that just for an instant wanted to imagine that was my little boy up at bat that I was so proud of. As tears came out of my eyes I pulled myself away from the fence and reprimanded myself for being such a silly goose. It is a vacant spot in my life though.

28 May 2021

I was watching a few episodes from my favorite Outlander series today. It’s really an awesome series for many people around the world to watch. I can only hope that you watch it and it brings out many feelings deep inside like it does me. Watching the love story between Claire and Jamie growing stronger with all the terrible trials they go through makes me think of how my love for you has remained alive after all these years. I have found that is how true love works. Love never dies. You can push it away, but it never dies. My grandmother used to say that love can turn to hate, but certainly you never did anything to make me feel that way. I know you were confused and it seemed you were somehow desperate to be married. Was it because you were suffering from death of your father who passed away three years before we met? I’ve often wondered about that and it seems like a likely answer. My heart was so tender because of your love for me and you were my everything.

As I believe in reincarnation and soul mates I know you and I were meant to be together, but what I wonder is if I’ll ever be blessed to look into your eyes again in this lifetime. Remember when we’d sit in the kitchen of your home and just look into each others eyes and feel so much love?

When I think of how you have suffered all these years with that guy you left me for I feel very sad because you or nobody deserves to be abused and kept like somebodies prisoner. The things that you had told your co-worker Donna in confidence I think she felt a need to tell someone, the only person she knew to tell that might be able to help you get away from that abusive man. Don’t be upset with her for all the many things she told me because I knew she only told me because she was concerned for your safety.

The times we talked on the phone in 2008 gave me hope that you do still love me. I guess I spoke too soon about the idea of helping you get away from Patrick and you became fearful and bolted. I wish somehow you would contact me again so we could have some conversations. There are so many conversations we never got to have.

Over the years I developed my favorite picture in my mind of you. Would you be curious to know how I settled on a certain image of you of when you looked the prettiest to me? I hope you don’t have unpleasant memories associated with the time you worked for Grover and Geneva, but when you dressed for work you’d have your hair all pinned up on your head. With your hair up it really showed how beautiful you are and the crisp white uniform dress you wore added to you beauty. You may wonder why I’d think anybody looked good in such a uniform, but it was all white, and you looked so pretty with your hair up. I think I probably relate it to day I was hoping to see you in an all white dress becoming my wife.

One thing I thought of today about another connection to the Outlander series. Of course, for me, the main characters Jamie and Claire represent you and I. In the series Claire time travels by accident and leaves behind a husband in 1968. Obviously, he is not the true love of her life that she was meant to be with. When she time traveled back in time she found the true love of her life she was meant to be with. She was married to one man in the future and married to another man in the past. What a strange similarity to you and I. I know you probably feel I’m stilly for thinking of such similarities, but to me somehow they are glaring similarities. Your red hair and my brown hair with auburn undertones, just the same as Jamie and Claire’s hair colors.

I hope you are still out there in the world and still safe from COVID. I haven’t taken the vaccine. I’m afraid of it since it has that mRNA DNA stuff in it. With no testing only G_d knows what that vaccine might do to people years down the road. Being retired I don’t have to worry about being out in the work force and I am a homebody enjoying my gardening and home so I my usual lifestyle hasn’t changed much with quarantines and such and therefore I don’t feel pressured to take that frankenshot. I’d rather take a wait and see attitude about it. I’ve already had some bad experiences with medicines that were supposed to be safe, but weren’t.

That’s all my thoughts for the moment. I hope you are well. Write me.

14 May 2021

Just so you are reassured, it is never my intent to write anything here to upset you. People have often called me a straight talker. I am not good at softening the truth because that feels like lying. I have always been truthful to you and always will be. The conversations I had with Linda years ago, and your mother, that co-worker from the jewelry story, and last year with Joan that you have suffered greatly during your marriage with Patrick. Because I haven’t talked with you since 2008 there are still many things I do not understand. I often wonder if you only stay with Patrick because you fear for your life if you were to try to leave him, or if it could be you feel you respect the marriage because of a faith in G_d.

6 May 2021

Hey, Phyllis, I was learning about Biblical marriage the other day. This revelation has been coming in pieces for a time and part of the revelation came from the Outlander tv series that I watch. There is a bit of information gathered here so before explaining it all chronologically let me get to the punch line right away. I know you probably are not aware of the Biblical definition of marriage, but basically when a couple becomes physically intimate as a couple they are considered engaged. I commemorated our engagement privately with that engagement bracelet I gave you before giving you a ring publically modern style. So, we were secretly engaged between ourselves, but most importantly we were engaged in G_d’s eyes. Biblically, when a couple becomes engaged they are considered married. Because Biblical marriage begins with engagement this means that the couple is allowed to have sexual relations.

The path leading up to this knowledge started with that Outlander series I watch. Until I found out my Scottish ancestry though my great-great maternal grandmother Morrison I had an unexplainable attraction to the Outlander series. Rabbi Yair Davidy is an expert in tracing the lost tribes and he confirms the Scots are Jewish and also the Irish. G_d has prepared and lead me to discovering I’m Jewish in a mysterious way.

All this confirms how I felt about our engagement carrying the weight of marriage before I even knew these facts about Biblical marriage.

What does this all mean? In G_d’s eyes you and I are husband and wife, and your marriage to Patrick Hickey is adulterous. That’s not my view. It’s Biblical from G_d. Yeshua would say to you, “Go, and sin no more.” Do you know the passages about Yeshua dealing with the woman who was caught in the very act of adultery? He did not condemn her, but told her to not do it anymore. I might be just talking to the wind as I don’t even know if you believe in G_d or not. I hold in my heart the girl I used to know and love. I hope she still exists.

13 April 2021

I’ve been trying to make this website more compact for my readers. That means I’ve deleted quite a few pages that I feel were distracting from my central message. In that effort, Phyllis, I thought I’d remove the two pages I’d written about us and create only one page where I’d write my thoughts to you like a journal. Whenever thoughts of you come into my mind I can release them to you here whether you will ever read them or not. I hope it’s a way to let go of thoughts and memories, or at least work through them better. I hope you don’t mind that I make this journal to you.

I know you remember when my family first moved away from Kentucky and I’d write you letters everyday. There came a time when you stopped me from writing you those physical letters, but since that time I’ve written you many thousands of letters in my heart. Today is another one of those days when thoughts of you have invaded my mind unprovoked.

My birthday (today) comes and goes each year nearly unnoticed now. In the last few years the day has slipped up on me and if I’m not careful it can pass unless I’m keeping track of the calendar. Living the retired lifestyle with everyday being my own leaves little use for a calendar anymore. In grade school we had to write the date on papers many times each day and the date was always present in my head, but after high school ended so did the repetitive writing of the date and that instant knowing of the date began to fade from consciousness. What is time anyway?

My grandmother never missed my birthday when she was living. She always made me a homemade birthday cake. As I stood at the kitchen sink this morning washing some dishes I gazed out my window at the snow capped mountains. For just a moment my attention was averted from the present, the view faded and was replaced by a memory in my mind of the view out of the kitchen window on the farm. You never got to see that home that was going to be yours one day, but the dining room was just off the kitchen separated by a door. My little daydream continued to a birthday luncheon in the dining room with my loved ones gathered around. This is where you one again invaded my thoughts unprovoked.

I was seated at the head of the table with grandma to my left and you were seated across from her to my right, the two most important and most loved women in my life. Our kids were at the other three chairs. Why does the mind so quickly imagine such things? Maybe it’s really happening in an alternate universe? I glimpse into the wonderful life that I imagined for us? Part of me wishes my imagination wouldn’t create such faux memories, but another part of me is soothed by such an invasion. It’s like that Jimmy Stewart movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, except in reverse.

As our story has had a presence in my websites over the years I’ve had people write to me about how touching it is to them to read my story about still loving the only girl I ever loved after all these years even though things didn’t turn out the way I’d planned. I imagine there are also the haters out there who would write to me to tell me I’m like an obsessed stalker and to just move on with my life. Certainly I have moved on enjoying a full life on the road less traveled, and G_d knows how sometimes I’ve wished I could just forget or have your memories wiped away by a hypnotist or some other wishful thinking method, but I have to live in the real world where memories don’t fade so easily. The brain is an amazing organ how it can store billions of memories and flash them before your eyes and have you reliving a moment in time even if you hadn’t had that particular memory revived in decades.

It would be an understatement to say I’ve had a life full of “road less traveled” experiences after you left me. Regardless of my feelings I KNOW that everything happens for a reason and G_d is running the show. All that has happened is for the good and if I never see you again then that will be how G_d has meant things to be this time around. G_d comes first in my life, and the love He has put in my heart does not allow me to become too upset about anything for too long. I’m only human and I have my disappointments and emotions, but I try to keep them all in check knowing that our loving heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and I must gain strength knowing that His plan is perfect and we can generally just sit back and enjoy the ride.

A thought just popped into my head. Wouldn’t it be nice if G_d were to be so generous to allow us to meet again one day and that it could be like a repeat of that first day I came to your home on Crestmoor on my 10-speed bicycle? We could sit in the porch swing and catch up on old times just as we did nearly 40 years ago. Remember the words of that song, “wouldn’t it be nice if we were older and we wouldn’t have to wait so long”? I didn’t think waiting till I turned 18 for us to marry was so long. Some times I make myself feel uncomfortable imagining that I’m still waiting for you knowing the only way I’ll ever see you again is if you are widowed. I don’t like to have such thoughts, but I guess the imagination can be very logical at times.

Do you mind if I share how different my life would be now if you’d never left me? I would have stayed on track and it would have been you and I and our kids working on the farm today. We would have lived with my grandmother at first, but I had the idea to build us a home with the front porch overlooking the lake.I imagine how things would have changed on the farm and how many things would have stayed the same. Do you think it’s silly for me to share these thoughts with you?

I need you to know I’m no ways bitter. Was I hurt, yes. Disappointed, yes. However, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. The most important part of that Biblical passage is that “love keeps no account of wrongs” and that’s how I think of you. I have unanswered questions, but I realize in all this is that G_d has had a purpose for everything that has happened to each of us since our separation and I cling to that assurance. Whatever will be will be. I’m just letting you know I’m still here and if I’m ever blessed to see you again there will be no place for anger or rehashing old disappointments. There will only be great humility and thanks to G_d for another chance know again the only girl who ever owned my heart.

I wonder if you ever think of me on this day the way I’ve thought of you on the 23rd of October every year for all these many years? You probably haven’t thought of me like that because I was replaced by someone else you were supposed to love. I know it didn’t work out well for you and Patrick has been awful abusive to you, but if it’s any consolation my life has been a living hell at times too without the perfect life unfolding that I had envisioned for us.

Funny, all the little daydreams that crept in over the years. I’m gonna close for now and I hope you don’t mind that I’ll write to you often here.