Before my life on earth ends I have a few things I’d like to say

A last words journal of a dying man

As my life begins to come to a close my mind becomes thoughtful of those loved ones I hope to soon meet again, and to those who are left behind that I feel apologetic for all the things I wish you could have been said or we could have done together while there was still time.

Where do I begin? Will the first person I choose to speak about somehow rate higher than others? I don’t want this to be the case. Funny, but as I started to write this the song, Cats In The Cradle, began playing on my Pandora station. I’ll take that as a sign that I should first talk about my father, David Ryan Kirchner who passed away in 2005 from a prescription drug overdose.

I wasn’t blessed to have grown up with my father as after two years of marriage my mother divorced him never letting him know she was pregnant with his child. I think that was an evil thing for my mother to do. I was his child as much as hers and he should have had all rights to have a proper relationship to me starting with being there holding me when I was born. If my mother would have revealed her pregnancy to him could that have been a catalyst for them to fix whatever was wrong in their relationship so I could have grown up with a loving father instead of not knowing him till I was 25-years-old and sought him out on my own?

Imagining my parents being centered in love and forgiveness and having a healthy marriage where I had the chance to growth up in a nurturing environment is a nice fantasy I’ve often entertained since the age of 13 when my mother first revealed to me who my real father was.

It was another of my mother’s drunken evenings when I was 13 that decided to break my heart a bit more as she abusively screamed the question, “Do you want to know who your real father is? It’s not Chuck Hall!” She grabbed me by the hair of the head and shoved me down into a ladderback chair that sat between my fish tank on a chest of drawers and my bedside table, and continued her verbal and physical abuse.

My memory of this event is etched deeply in my memory so please forgive me for giving specific details like the glass bottle of green apple scented body splash that my mother picked up and beat me over the head with. She hit me over the head till the cap broke off the bottle and the entire contents poured over my head and into my eyes and it burned. If only I somehow could have stopped this all from happening like it was a nightmare I could wake up from somewhere over the rainbow. Opening my eyes in a place where these clouds of my childhood were far behind me was not possible. Stopping reality was not possible. My mother was in control and my abused mentally could only respond in one way, taking the abuse, and continuing to be a good boy so hopefully the abuse would not get worse.

This abusive event culminated in my mother taking me with her to the kitchen where the phone book was and looking up the phone number of the home of the parents of my biological father. I filled with fear. I was all eyes as I memorized the page number in the phone book where she found their number with the address of Alton Road in St. Matthews which was not far from where we were living. Why I never called that phone number after that night I do not know. My mother got my dad’s mother on the phone and revealed to her after all these years that she’s had a son by David. I don’t recall the rest of the conversation, but it wasn’t a long one. As usual, the next morning nothing was ever said again about my real father, and as the child of an abusive alcoholic I knew very well not to ever bring the subject up because anytime you confront an abusive alcoholic parent with the abusive behavior or anything they did while drunk it only stirs up more anger in them and you will be get abused even worse the next time they get drunk. This was my life as a kid. This was the mode of regular abuse I endured.

Life had gotten better for the brief 18 months my mother was married to Bob, but then he died and my brief respite from abuse was gone. Thankfully, my mother sought herself out another alcoholic by the name of Charlie Bush and he became my 3rd stepfather. Together they hatched a plan to move us all away from Louisville, Kentucky 1000 miles away to Tampa, Florida. This move prevented me from entertaining any hopes of meeting my real father. I had a whole plan rehearsed where I was going ride my bicycle over to his home where he lived with his parents and I was going to knock at the door pretending to be a neighborhood boy looking to cut lawns for the summer.

It’s difficult to be open about this lost hope of meeting my father. If I could have only met him, maybe he would have fought to keep me and I would have never had to leave Kentucky or the girl I loved. In my imagination the family would agree to have me cut their lawn and they even provided the mower. As I’d return the mower to their garage there would be my father with some woodworking project and I’d show great interest in what he was created and ask him if he’d teach me. I guess you can imagine how the rest of my fantasy unfolded with us growing to know each other and one day he’d say to me, “I wish I had a son like you”, to which I’d reply, “You remember being married to Virginia Hall? I am your son.” How my life could of changed, if only…

Some people get stuck in pride in life and dare not drink from the wellspring of humility and forgiveness as if it were poison to them. People get stuck in their ways and belief systems without keeping an open mind to other possibilities. Why do people get so psycho instead of being easygoing?

Yeah, so my dear father, David Ryan Kirchner, is gone without me ever getting closure on our relationship, but I am thankful we got to have one. I’m thankful I was able to find out what a caring and fun man he was. I’m thankful I was able to know both my mother and father and ultimately know my mother didn’t deserve such a good man. She ran him off like she did every single one of her husband’s, save the one that escaped through death after 18 months of marriage.

I guess I kinda killed two birds with one stone with those recollections from my childhood. You might think I have a lot of resentment towards my abusive mother, but what I have for her is deep pity in my soul and heart that she somehow became the person she was. What was her psychological trauma that made her they way she was? I wonder if she ever knew the family secret that her mother’s grandfather was born into slavery? Certainly, passing for White, but having the skeleton of half White/half Black great grandfather meant that no matter how White you looked, if people where to know your secret they would consider you Black too. Maybe that was part of my mother’s psychological torment that made her such an abusive person? I can imagine if she knew she may have resented her mother for ever having children that would have to bear such a family history in a world that at the time was not very accepting of such.

In August of 1994 I had prepared to have a special conversation with my mother on the 1st anniversary of her death. I had rehearsed a lot of grievances as the months, weeks, and days passed till her yahrzeit arrived. I lit a candle next to her photo that sat atop my fireplace mantle and I began to speak to her as if she were actually there listening. All that anticipation of the day and the preparation came to an immediate screeching halt when it suddenly hit me that she already painfully knew my long list of grievances. Was it a spiritual connection where she let me know she already knew how badly she had hurt me and let me down? All that preparation for that big talk with mom was for not because I knew in my soul that if she could come back just for two minutes she say how sorry she was and she’d hug me and tell me she loved me for the first time in my life. I realized all was left to do instead of airing my grievances was just to let it all go with forgiveness and a great burden was lifted from my heart in 2 seconds and I went on with my day.

I missed so much by not having my father as I should have had all my life. I suffered much from a mother who was very mentally and physically abusive to me. In my heart though all is forgiven because I have hope in my heart that one day I will see them again and they will have reunited before my arrival and I expect the best family hug with the three of us. I admit I don’t fully know how heaven works, but I do hope it’s a grand reunion with all those who have known and loved.

I have shared this thought with only a few people, but my dream is that when I close my eyes in eternal sleep and reopen them on the other side that I will find myself in a glowingly beautiful sunlit meadow of grass and white daisies, Scotch thistles, and milkweed in bloom. Is I am walking I begin to recognize the slope of the rolling meadows and the oak trees and then I know where I am. I am home on my grandparents farm again and as I round the corner of the pasture gate our lake comes into view. Everyone is there fishing and waiting for me to arrive. Grandma, grandpa, mom and dad together, aunt Mary and Uncle Eddie, the cousins, all the great aunts and uncles and their families, even my half brothers and sisters that I don’t have much resolution on yet. Everybody I’ve ever known or loved is there and it’s the best family and friends reunion ever. A lovely new pavilion has been built on the lakeside with picnic tables, grills, and an attached dock that lead out into the water. The best time ever. Family, and the love of family has always been so important to me, and I never got to taste enough of it in my lifetime.

Onto Phyllis Hogan. I guess I’ll go to my grave never really knowing what happened to you that made you jump and marry someone else the month following my April 1982 return to Kentucky for you. And of all people, Patrick Hickey? I remember him from school and what mean person he was. He certainly has the personality to become a Marine. They look for a certain psychological type and he had it in spades. I know you have suffered much for having married such an abusive asshole, so I won’t say anymore about him. I just wish I could know what was going on with you. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve often wondered if your desperation was due to the loss of your father a few years before we met. You and I never talked about your grief over him.

I think back doing that “what if” and “if only” thing. Why was I such a good boy who wanted to wait for marriage for sex? I know the reason. I was so abused into never misbehaving that I didn’t have the ability some people have to give into reckless abandon. Were you trying to get me to have sex with you so you could trap us into an earlier marriage? I suspect you were. Why didn’t you tell me? I was clueless. If you could have explained the plan to me I would have been on board before my mother ever decided to move my family to Florida and I imagine it would have prevented us from ever moving.

So, let me do the math….58 – 15 = 43. Wow! Our oldest child would be 43 now! Of course I know our first would have been a boy. I see him now taking over the farm duties for his dad who just can’t do it all anymore. That’s the way it should be. I’d like to imagine at least some of our kids would have wanted to live on the farm property and build homes there. 20 acres is enough room. Imagine how many grandchildren we’d have running around now! Life would be so full of love and so many blessings. I think we would have moved your mom out to the farm too. She was so lovely and I would not have had it any other way. Your mom and I talked a lot over the years, but not at the end of her life. Did she ever tell you of us talking when you had begun communicating with me again back in 2007? I don’t know if your mom felt she should keep our conversations to herself or not. I just never thought of it. I’ve always been one to keep confidences with people so it’s just part of who I am, not to keep secrets, but I guess you’d say to have special confidential relationships? You mom always made time for me and was so kind. She was a good listener and went above and beyond when she truly had no reason to with me. It was part of who she was, a deeply caring person. I miss her a lot. Gotta take a break now….

YOSEF’S BLOG

28 September 2021

Have I mentioned I have not taken the COVID vaccine? I’m one of those people that have been advised by my doctors that I should not take any of the vaccines because due to my XO/XY Mosaic chromosome pattern I am one of those people at high risk of forming fatal blood clots from the vaccine. World-wide there have been many thousands of death from blood clots after receiving the vaccine and the numbers continue to rise. I know the possibility exists that I could catch COVID and it would be fatal for me in a matter of days because I have lung damage from a nerve pain drug I once took called Gabapentin/Lyrica. I know that any of us could go at any time from something as simple as heart failure, heart attack, or stroke, but those have a better survival rate than COVID. It’s an ugly new world I live in now where I live under the pressure that something as simple as going to the grocery could cost me my life. I guess I have a bit of an easier time than most adjusting to isolation as I grew up in a type of isolated life on a farm. I’m not on a farm now however. I live in a home with only patio space for my garden. How I wish I was back home in Kentucky on the land that was my grandparents farm.

27 September 2021

The nightmares have begun again. The same nightmares I used to have when I was 16 after being hospitalized for a suicide attempt after my fiancé Phyllis Hogan sent me a letter telling me she never wanted to see me again.

This time the nightmares are worse because all the memories I have previously blocked as part of the post traumatic shock syndrome (PTSD) have now after 40 years coming flooding back all in exacting and vivid detail. For these past decades I could only remember what are called small flashbulb memories–an event here or there as if it were like a photo taken when you are stunned by the flashbulb of a camera and you remember nothing surrounding the time of the photo, but just that moment in time.

In my work as a psychotherapist I understood and taught this phenomenon that people went through after experiencing trauma how for many years memories they would have no access to certain memories and then one day some occurrence in their lives would allow all the memories to come back. Today I have experienced that phenomenon now for myself. Now I know what my patients have felt. Everyone’s memories of traumatic events that return to them are different, but the similarity is in how the individuals then experience the full emotional impact of the trauma all over again. I woke myself up this morning crying from the events of a dream that I assume is part of what unlocked the memories I’m buried so deep.

I imagine this has now happened due to the additional emotional trauma I’ve been experiencing since trying to re-establish contact with Phyllis. She has refused to contact me either by email or phone call so I could have my questions answered of why she did what she did to me all those years ago. Phyllis’ sister Zina Gelona has been acting as a reluctant go-between telling me what Phyllis has said. The most recent message relayed was that a photo I had posted on my page of Phyllis that she had taken and sent to me she wanted removed from my page. In the foggy mindset that preceded all these memories now coming back I had posted the photo and it wasn’t until I went back and read the email the photo arrived with that I realized Phyllis had requested I never post the photo on my website. Truly, I had forgotten that request just the same as the memories of years ago had been forgotten until today. That’s the truth. That’s the power that this girl who was once my everything has had over me. The girl that was to become my wife when I turned 18 and returned to Kentucky to marry her, but within weeks of my return she suddenly went before a justice of the peace and married Patrick James Hickey, who had been known by all as the biggest asshole jerk in school. It’s hard to write these words at this moment because all these memories are flooding in as vividly as it happened yesterday.

The reason for my return to Kentucky….I’m searching for words to describe it. I fell into a pit of despair. She was gone. No longer my fiancé, but now the stark legal reality I had to face was she was another man’s wife. My mission a failure I decided to return to my family in Florida and that’s when I began to self destruct. The intense heartache and pain I experienced I somehow had to survive, but how? Friends would say that all wounds heal in time and time will help you to forget. Some of that was true, but little did I know, at that time as a young 18-year-old man, extensive psychological trauma was more in charge of the healing and forgetting that I consciously was. Honestly, I do not know how I managed to survive that time if not for the support of some really close friends.

I’ve pleaded and pleaded with Phyllis through messaging with her sister Zina and through this website to please explain to me why she hurt me so deeply several times, but still I receive no reply from Phyllis. So, now, once again in my life I enter uncharted waters so-to-speak, but this time I am equipped with a roadmap. I know I could go and speak with some of my therapist friends in the area and maybe I will, but what I have found to be most helpful over the years is to write. Now, that all the memories have returned I don’t want them all to disappear in a puff of smoke like they did 40 years ago when my life became another life out of the need for survival. So today, I will resume my blog to Phyllis. I’m not a malicious or vengeful person so I don’t want my actions to be perceived by anyone as such, but I know there is but one way to truly heal and with the help of Phyllis giving me the answers I need I have to heal as best I can my own way.

After that dream this morning, waking up traumatized, and having all these memories just fall out of a box that has been locked for 40 years has made me feel so sad. There is a darkness surrounding me, and I know this darkness well. It’s the very darkness of suicidal feelings that Phyllis drove me to more than once in my life. In the Bible we are told of the husband and wife, “And two shall become one”. In the Hebrew language the word for “One” is Echad. My soul had already fused with Phyllis and we had already become one, but then she tore us apart and ever since that time I’ve felt like I’ve only been a half of a person. The other half of me went on about her life no caring about how she ruined mine.

I need to resume my blog about Phyllis and what she did to me. I feel it’s the only way I’m going to be able to take the steps need to hold on after this most recent time of rejection from her. Just so my readers know a bit of the back story Phyllis has begun phoning me and emailing me back in 2007 and she went on at length about understanding what a mistake she had made marrying Patrick Hickey and that I was the only guy she ever loved. For two years we emailed back and forth and had some phone calls and I just let her unload on me about her horrible life of terror with an abusive man. It was not an easy situation for me to deal with. Part of me was overjoyed she was contacting me because it gave me hope she would leave him and her and I would have a chance to reconnect and repair our relationship. When you are dealing with a woman who has been abused in a marriage for decades however the success rate is very low that the abused woman will leave the abusive husband. I tried to help her formulate a plan of escape. I recently found out from her sister that all of her siblings at one time or another offered their support to help her leave Patrick Hickey, but time after time she’d return to him. The only thing I can imagine was that she didn’t want to divide the assets from the marriage and the only way to get everything would be to outlive her abuser if possible.

So, here I am. I’m a survivor. I don’t feel like much of a survivor though because like a soldier in war I have not come home in one piece. It’s time to delve deeply into what has happened and tell the true story of myself and Phyllis Hogan. The new blog to Phyllis doing just that will begin today. I fear the memories I blocked out so many years ago may just return to whatever hidden place they resided in for all these years and I feel an urgency to begin, in the least, a bullet list of memories that may allow for them not all to vanish again.

I do not know what to expect as I proceed, but I will take you all along with me. At this moment I will thank many of you in advance. Those who may be reading my page for the first time and those of you who have been following my story for years. I have appreciated all the emails from you all that have truly made this road less traveled a bit easier. See you at the new blog!

23 September 2021

Hey Bright Eyes, I got into a bit of a tiff with your go-between the Warrior Princess today lol about a photo of you that I deleted from my blog and even deleted the blog page itself. I think it’s simply just a vestigial photo what will be deleted from Google Images once their web crawler see’s the page no longer exists. It may take a few weeks. I reported to Google I wanted them to remove the photo and that’s the most I can do.

I’m sorry if you are upset about it, but I’ve done all I can do to right the situation.

I have an idea. Like I’m the brainy one here with all the great ideas? lol Why don’t you just have one of your siblings purchase an extra phone on their cell phone carrier account and give the phone to you to use? You can keep it locked up at work and you can contact me on it and the old coot will never have to know. I can’t go on like this. You are killing me. All I want is for us to be able to communicate like adults. I became a psychotherapist to help other people to communicate, but the irony is the person I want to communicate with the most in life is holding me at arms length and I think it’s causing me to short circuit.

I have worked hard to put you out of mind as best I can, but it doesn’t work because his boy never stopped loving you and no other woman could ever take your place. If I don’t have a snowflake’s chance in hell with you one day then you need to just say so and I’ll go away forever and that will give me the closure I need, but if you tell me that then I need answers to the questions that will give me closure. I need to know if you were trying to SAVE US by trying to get me to have sex with you at age 17 so you’d become pregnant and you could hold onto me. Is that what it was all about? You need to explain those actions because in hindsight it all seems it could have been your plan because I remember you showing me your monthly cycle calendar and it was very strange that day when I was visiting you that your mother left us alone in the house while she went out to the grocery or wherever and you immediately told me to come up to your bedroom and when we got there you threw yourself on the bed and asked me to make love to you. It was a good plan, but I was just too much of a “good boy” to have sex before our wedding night. I wanted our love story to be perfect with no stain on it. It all that was your plan to keep me you could have just told me and I would have been game to run off to anyplace that would have allowed us to marry at 17 and 16. You just didn’t let me in on your big plan, and now I need to know in my heart if that was really what you were trying to accomplish that day. Was it a desperate attempt to save us? I have been so tortured by this all these years. I’m not ashamed to say I never stopped loving you, never forgot you, and I never gave myself to another woman. You know the rest of the story where I tried to bury my pain in other ways of coping being without you. Now, I’ve got enough years behind me to know that my mother was in part correct when she said she felt I tried to lose myself in an alternative lifestyle because you left me. I’m not blaming you. I never would. I take full responsibility always for all my mistakes. I am thankful to have gone through a lot of healing work, but at the end of the day the chaff is gone and the wheat remains. That kernel of truth is that the young man you let go never, never, never stopped loving you and even if all I got to have with you are some golden years spent in the same nursing home together they would be the best years of my life.

Please though, be merciful to me. Tell me there is no chance for me or tell me to wait for you. II have to know. I can’t go on like this. Your emails of love you sent me during 2007-2009 gave me the hope that burns in my heart today.

I will find the grace to accept you decision even if it’s the one that will hurt deeply after all these years of hoping.

14 September 2021

So, “Anna”… I’m getting used to writing my thoughts to you here. I feel it was a bit of a shame to take down the other pages where I had journaled to you, but I realized I needed to follow your directions to use the pseudonym of “Anna” for you and because going through the entries and changing everything over to “Anna” would have been a long and tedious chore I just decided to hit delete and start over.

You know, I only recently began reading our emails again that we wrote 2007-2009. I guess you had to delete all those emails, but I kept every one and cherish them because you wrote to me that you still love me, and have thought of me so often over the years after having had made that mistake with “the old coot” as you call him. You know I hadn’t been able to return and read those emails for years because when you stopped writing me I was very sad again. It’s still a bit sad now to read them and feel how close you were to perhaps leaving the old coot, but more than sadness, now when I read them I feel hope renewed by your words therein. I know the innocent, perfect, and true love we found together has still remained flickering in your heart as in mine all these years. If you are the girl I thought I knew back then I know she still survives today, and one day when we see each other again it will be so effortless and simple to just pick up the joy we used to feel together long ago. All the time between will seem like nothing. It will all be gone forever in the past, and we won’t sorrowfully remind ourselves of the time apart. We’ll just be glad that the special love we had was true enough to survive the years apart. We will hold hands again and walk in the park and your eyes will make the skies blue again.

If I have done anything that has hurt you or upset you I want to apologize. I want you to know I’m sorry for anything I may have done that you may feel has wronged you. I hope you can forgive me and my human failings.

13 September 2021

Today was a tough day for me. I cried a lot. Since this COVID pandemic started nearly two years ago I have prided myself in sharing that staying at home has not really changed myself lifestyle. I tell people I grew up on a farm for most of my young years so I’m used to my home being my castle. I’m still a homebody today enjoying my garden that I water every morning, I enjoy being retired with time to spend doing that and studying, cooking, etc. The other day I made blackberry jam. Homemade tastes so much better than the store-bought stuff.

Anyway, today was kinda hard because it was an emotional day for me. I had to let go of something today. I know a lot of my readers have been following a separate blog I had on this site about the girl I was supposed to marry when I was 18. I’m gonna call her “Anna” as that is what she asked to use instead of her real name. Some years back from 2007-2009 we had resumed communicating after a lot of years. I had written things about her using her real name elsewhere on this site, but today I took all that down and from now on will just write about here as “Anna” here. It was an emotional day leading up to this decision because I allowed myself for the first time since 2009 to go back and read through the many emails we exchanged. Allow me to explain a bit more.

“Anna” I had met when we were 14 and began dating, fell in love, and were going to get married. Before our dreams could be realized, my widowed mother got married again and moved my family 1000 miles away and to make the long story short “Anna’s” feelings for me were unable to survive the time needed before I could return to her at age 18 and we become married. I returned to my home state anyway at age 18 still determined we’d accomplish what we had promised to do. Just several weeks after my return “Anna” ran off and had a quickie justice of the peace marriage to a guy I knew as the most psycho evil guy in our school. I was devastated all over again. Years past and I had kept in touch a couple times with her sister and many times with her mother. I kept hoping the disastrous marriage would fall apart and “Anna” would return to me. It didn’t happen because this psycho dude she married had her so mentally abused she was afraid for her life if she tried to leave him. She found me on the Internet and began email me in 2007 and we corresponded a lot over the next two years. She admitted how she was thinking of me on the day she married the psycho. She told me how much she still loved me and that I was the only person that had ever made her feel loved. I tried to convince her of how she could safely get away from her captor and we’d pick up our lives together and be happily-ever-after. She became frightened and fearful of him finding her out and she feared for her life, and so the easy thing for her to do was to stop writing me.

I had to go through another withdrawal almost as painful as the one a couple decades before had been. I tried to close the door on that part of my life, but it was really to no avail. I had begun writing my memoires and she was a big part of my life. Another decade rolls slowly past and she still preyed upon my mind. By inspiration from another author my memoire evolved into an autobiographical novel that focused on this present life and imagined other lifetimes “Anna” had spent together as romantic soul mates.

So, that’s where we are today. Today I decided to take down the other pages about her and her photo’s because firstly and foremost I knew she didn’t want her story known. She will simply be known as “Anna” from now on.

I think perhaps I’m finally beginning to lose hope. Nearly two years I’ve cheated death during this COVID pandemic. I’m one of those people who cannot get vaccinated for medical reasons. As many of my readers know I have an XO/XY Mosaic chromosome pattern because of that pattern if I took the vaccine I’d probably get blood clots all over my body and I’d be dead. Yeah, so, near two years of trying to stayed distanced, masked, safe, has not been so bad, but I guess everybody has their own breaking point. I’ve been trying to stay as positive and safe as possible, but the truth be known all it takes is only tiny breach and with the lung condition I have I’d be a goner in a matter of days.

So, this is what has me down. The thought of never seeing the girl I’ve loved with all my heart for my entire life I may not get to see again before I die. All these years I been thinking that just maybe the evil bastard she’d married would die and go to hell and she’d finally be free and I’d see her again. Well, now with COVID and my 6th decade nearing I’ve just begun to lose the hope I’d had for years.

“Anna”, know that I’m sorry for adding stress and worry to your life with my website. I hope you might understand that it was a cry for help. I guess I’ve finally started to crack a bit under the pressure of this prolonged deadly pandemic and I fear dying without ever being able to see you, touch you, and to hold you one more time and tell you that I have loved you all this time and that your love was the only beautiful thing that ever came into my life. If I could only hold you once more and know that you loved me I’d die a happy man.

I don’t think I’ll ever get that chance now so forgive me for succumbing to desperation. I know you’ve heard the old saying that every day is a gift. How precious is that knowing now. It’s almost as if every hour is precious. I do my best to be safe. I only leave the house once a week to buy food and then I spend the next several days trying to worry about any symptoms appearing from exposure to COVID. It’s as if it’s come down to living from week to week.

I’ve discussed with my friend that I go to the grocery with that I will just began having my groceries delivered. I wish I could somehow hear from you, Bright Eyes.

15 August 2021

I was out watering my garden this morning before the sunrise when quite a beautiful phenomenon occurred. I should have ran inside and grabbed my camera so I had a photo to place here, but I don’t think a photo in this case could take the place of a thousand words.

The sun has not yet risen above the mountains so I became very perplexed when all around me a peach colored bright light filled my garden. When the light came I was bending over filling my watering can. Because I keep the word of our Lord Yeshua in my heart I immediately became aware. I was nearly afraid to look up to see where this beautiful mysterious light was coming from. As I turned my eyes towards the heavens I saw something we rarely see here in the desert. A beautiful cloud was positioned directly above me and was illuminated a beautiful peach color. I looked back down into my garden in wonder at how everything looked so lovely bathed in this peach light. I held out my hand to see the light on my skin and noticed the light was so bright it was casting a shadow. I enjoyed this lovely phenomenon for several minutes before the sun came up over the mountain and began to break through the trees. The lovely light began to fade, but my memory of it will not.

10 August 2021

13 July 2021

Today marks the 58th year since my conception in the womb. I learned something new today. The Christian world for some reason believes from their interpretation of the 9th Chapter of Daniel that it’s the anti-Messiah that will confirm a covenant with many for a week and thing bring about the abomination of desolation in the midst of the week. This “week” becomes the 7-year Tribulation period that is separated into two 3.5 year periods by that abomination of desolation. I’m thinking this is all an incorrect interpretation. Time to seek more truth.

24 June 2021

Link to the Alex Jones video exposing the for profit COVID-19 virus/vaccine planned-demic conspiracy expose video https://www.infowars.com/posts/smoking-gun-one-month-before-covid-outbreak-fauci-moderna-sent-mrna-coronavirus-vaccine-candidates-to-wuhan-lab-linked-doctor/

20 June 2021 – Review: AdvancedBionutritionals.com “Advanced Memory Formula”

Because of some pain in my lower back from what a doctor diagnosed as degenerative disks he prescribed a gabapentin drug called Lyrica that I took for several years and it had some side effects that became debilitating both mentally and physically. First side effect was I was dizzy all the time when walking. Then the memory problems began and got to the point I was constantly running around in circles multi-tasking out of necessity because I was having a bad case of remembering what I’d just come into a room to do or get. I just told myself that I’d move onto another task till when and if my memory got jogged and I could return to doing what I had forgotten.

In April 2021 I watched one of those advertisements that interrupt the videos you watch on Youtube and it was about the memory supplement Advance Memory Formula. Feeling desperate, I ordered one bottle of the product to see if it would help me. It did! The first thing I noticed was my ability to remember my dreams came back to me. Then my moment to moment memory problem began to clear up. I feel like my pre-Lyrica brain has returned and so I’m pleased to recommend to others they give Advanced Memory Formula or even another supplement with the same ingredients a try. I say that because I don’t want anybody to think I’m pushing any companies product for any type of compensation for a good review on what I feel is an over-priced supplement at $39.95 a bottle plus shipping and handling.

My 60-capusule bottle is down to the last few pills and I’m gonna wait before buying more to see if I keep or lose my memory ability that has returned to me the last couple months. I’ll be updating this review to let you all know what I find out.

19 June 2021

More evidence that violence on January 6 at the U.S. Capitol building was all planned by the G_dless Sodomite Democrat party of leftist Communists.

So, here is a link to an Alex Jones video with tons of real time video evidence tha the Jan. 6 breach of our Capitol was a Democrat planned event.

https://www.infowars.com/posts/emergency-saturday-broadcast-dr-steve-pieczenik-nick-fuentes-expose-january-6-false-flag/

If all you ever watch is the Sodomite news from radical leftist Communists like Rachel Maddow, Don Lemon, Sheppard Smith, among others then you will never know the truth of what’s really going on. These people have a Sodomite agenda that is all part of aiding the Globalist takeover of the USA and the Democrats gladly support these types of people who cannot reproduce together because the New World Order has been working with big pharma to reduce the population of our planet. These murderous Sodomites pushed the sexual revolution that was against families. The support the government created diet that causes arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure, Alzheimer’s, etc., etc., with the same goal of getting you dead quicker all the while feeding you their drugs that help kill you.

I’ve always thought if they really want to bring the planet population down to save the planet and our species then why not do public service announcements on television education people on population destroying our home and encouraging people to have one child or adopting the millions of homeless children on the planet? True, there are those that would turn a deaf ear to such pleas, but a respectable plan to bring down population has to happen. Wars and creation of bioweapons like HIV, Ebola, and COVID-19 are not nice ways to bring down our population.

14 June 2021

Why does Joe Biden have fake Marines guarding the entrances to the White House?

Facebook will not allow any links from the free speech website www.Brighton.com. Facebook doesn’t like the world knowing the truth. https://www.brighteon.com/3546e10a-a772-4e17-afde-cbb98b3ea1a6

What to do if you get left behind by Yeshua the Messiah at the time of the Rapture

IF YOU TAKE NOTHING FROM MY MESSAGE PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT YOU SHOULD NOT BE GETTING MENTALLY UPSET ABOUT KNOWING WHEN THE RAPTURE TAKES PLACE. IT’S MORE IMPORTANT TO KNOW YOU ARE RAPTURE READY AND YOU GOT TRUE SALVATION, NOT AN IMMITATION SALVATION THAT WILL TAKE YOUR SOUL TO DESTRUCTION.

I HAVE BEEN SPEAKING TO A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE LITERALLY LOOSING IT MENTALLY DUE TO OBESESSING OVER WHEN THE RAPTURE IS GONNA HAPPEN AND THEY WANT IT TO HAPPEN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. DOES IT MATTER WHEN THE RAPTURE HAPPENS IF YOU ARE NOT ELIGIBLE TO HITCH A RIDE WITH YESHUA? YOU GOT ONE CHANCE TO BE THE RAPTURED BRIDE SO YOU WANT TO BE ELIGIBLE.

I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGHT HERE THAT THE KEY IS TO OBTAIN SALVATION, REAL SALVATION, NOT A “STRONG DELUSION” IMMITATION SALVATION THAT WILL LEAVE YOU LEFT OUTSIDE IN THE OUTER DARKNESS WHERE THERE WILL BE WEEPING AND GNASHING OF TEETH.

IF YOU HAVE OBTAINED TRUE SALVATION THEN YOU ARE NOT APPOINTED TO WRATH EVEN IF WE ARE HERE TO WITNESS THE ENTIRE FINAL 7 YEARS. THE MAIN THING IS TO ATTAIN TRUE SALVATION SO YOU HAVE PROTECTION FROM WRATH AND YOU WILL BE WORTHY OF BEING RAPTURED.

This article is based on the idea that there may be enough evidence given from Yeshua that there could be a rapture of Torah observant Wise Virgin saints during the 7-year Tribulation which is different from the 2nd Coming that happens at the end of the 7-year Tribulation. It would appear that we will be here to see a third Temple built in Jerusalem and when the son of perdition sets himself in the Temple as G_d and commits an abomination of desolation. It could be at this point it is possible to be raptured and I’ll break that down next.

If we are to believe Matthew’s gospel in Chapter 24 then I believe we are being lead to believe that Yeshua will rapture his Bride after the famous Abomination of Desolation found in verses 15-25. If we are to believe this is all one continuous teaching or the order that things will unfold however we need to back up a few verses to verse 14 and ask ourselves about, “the gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.” If Christianity is preaching a false gospel that the Law is dead and we no longer have to keep YHVH’s Commandments then this could mean we are still a long way off from preaching the true gospel for a witness unto all nations before the end can come. Let’s continue however to see if Matthew Chapter 24 can be a reasonable guide to when the rapture takes place.

Right after the Abomination of Desolation passage in Matthew 24 we read of Yeshua returning to gather his elect from the four corners of the earth. The verses say this is the coming in clouds of glory and the tribes will see this and mourn basically because they know this story and it’s now too late for them to believe and be saved.

The parable of the fig tree that follows speaks of Yeshua being near, even at the doors. A lot of people believe the fig tree sign is about Israel becoming a nation again in 1948 and those born in 1948 will not all pass away yet and as the limit of man’s lifespan is 120 years that could stretch things out to 2068. However, if you think like Dr. Baruch Korman then you can scratch the idea that this parable is about Israel, 1948, and all that generation stuff before the end. That’s a really HUGE statement on his part seeing that most people don’t see things his way on this issue.

Dr. Baruch Korman did two video’s that carefully go over Scripture to prove the case for the rapture and the 2nd coming being two different events and you can find his video’s at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tngwLagApas He is a good teacher, easy to understand. He is also humble admitting he learning right along with all of us and is not infallible. I do believe he is in error about the parable of the fig tree not being about Israel

Just to be clear about the abomination of desolation, of course Yeshua was fully aware of the abomination of desolation that happened during the Maccabean revolt, but that was sort of like a type and shadow of a future abomination of desolation that is to come. There is no harm and no foul if we have misunderstood the instruction of our Lord Yeshua about all this. Just as the old saying goes, better to be overdressed than underdressed for a party. As always the #1 goal is to ALWAYS be ready for that day and hour no man knows. We must keep ready and watchful (especially since many nefarious characters during the Roman rewrite and compilation of the New Testament have monkied with the texts). I would love to believe in a pre-tribulation rapture, but I can’t prove the Bible supports that. Whenever it may be, just be ready.

Billions of sincere Christians that are sincerely wrong are going to be left behind and not allowed to go in the Rapture. Yeshua spoke of a remnant and only a “few” that will find the narrow gate. The parable of the virgins and the lamps showed that out of all the believers out there that only 50% will be the Bride. So yes, according to the Messiah there will be billions left behind with empty lamps. No oil in your lamp equals no light to see in the darkness and YHVH’s Word/Law is a lamp unto our feet and this is the reason behind the Lawless Foolish Virgins being left behind when Yeshua comes for his Law-keeping Bride. Yes, friends you have been lied to by Christianity’s false teachers to whom grace equals cancellation of YHVH’s Commandments so you can eat non-kosher food and forget YHVH’s Sabbath.

THE 7-DAY JEWISH WEDDING FESTIVAL

Few non-Jewish people m about the age old wedding tradition of the ancient Jews that survives in some for to this day. Like Yeshua describes in the New Testament writings the timing of His coming to retrieve His Bride is a secret day and hour that only His Father knows. Many believe this comes from Jewish wedding tradition. During the year or so of betrothal (engagement) the Father decides when the wedding will take place and when he has decided “the day and hour” of the wedding he tells his son to go and “lift up” his bride on an “aperion”, and carry her away to her new home. The son had escorts who announced the arrival of the groom in the middle of the night by blowing the shofar.  Some believe this blowing of the shofar for the Bride could relate to the possibility of Yeshua coming for His Bride at the time of Yom Teruah (Feast of Trumpets).  It is my thought that the 7 days of the wedding in heaven parallels the 7 years of Tribulation upon the earth. It could happen, but again, the key is to be ready with real salvation, not the fake salvation offered by the Greco-Roman Jesus of the Christian Babylonian Whore/Harlot system. Remember! Salvation is of the Jews, not the Romans who hijacked the faith and tried to replace the Jews and Judaism with their pork-eating, Sabbath-desecrating invention of Christianity, the Workers of Iniquity.

Yeshua said his coming for his Bride will be like a thief in the night for those who are not ready, but for those who have true salvation his coming will not be as a thief in the night. Just as in the days of Noah and Sodom and Gomorrah all things will be going on as usual and then when those rain drops started G_d told Noah and his family to all enter the ark and G_d sealed the door behind them and those left behind perished because they did not believe. One must consider that the parable of the virgins and the lamps is about much more than 5 virgins who accidently missed the bus. The oil in the lamps has more meaning than just what keeps their lamps lit. Again, Yeshua was very mindful to always remind us that the “workers of iniquity”, those who are not keeping the Law he will not recognize, “I never knew you!” Surely, the lack of oil by half of the so-called believers (virgins) represents those who fell for the lie that we don’t have to keep the Commandments anymore because we are under grace. Being under grace does not mean the Commandments were abolished. Woe unto those who teach such as Yeshua said, “If you love me, keep my Commandments.” Yeshua was not speaking of any added Commandments of His own, but was speaking with the authority of the Commandment Creator. Yeshua repeated the instruction that we are not to add to or take away from the Commandments of Moses like the Rabbi’s have done with their taqanot known as halakah/laws of the Rabbis.

If you have been left behind you now know your beliefs were wrong and now is not the time to argue your interpretation that got you left behind. In my 50 years of seeking the truth I’ve been always hoping to find a teacher that I feel has all the truth. I have been sadly disappointed as there are many who seem to have a lot of correct knowledge, but then they will go off the deep end in a very closed-minded fashion about a certain issue. Michael Rood comes to mind when I think of this as he openly admits he formerly was PAID to be a false prophet. He only now promotes a post Tribulation rapture leaving believers to all suffer through the Tribulation where many will die without true salvation, and then at the end, those of us who are still alive and remain and have salvation will go in a post Tribulation rapture. I keep an open mind, but to me, a post tribulation rapture feels more like “Oh, ye of little faith”. I believe in a G_d who wants to spare His remnant Bride from the Tribulation horrors. Regardless of how it all pans out I will not be one of those, “Oh ye of little faith” people. I seen enough tribulations in my own life so far and I really don’t wanna endure no intense dramas or horrors during the Tribulation so I keep that blessed hope of being spared alive, but never the less whatever comes I will remain faithful to the end.

The foundation of our covenant with the Father is his Law and if we stick with that we will be good. Those of us who have studied enough to show ourselves approved know that translations have been tampered with and we keep an open mind and err on the side of caution, meaning, when in doubt always stick to the Torah. You can’t go wrong clinging to YHVH’s Commandments/Law. I keep my hope in Messiah Yeshua who is coming to rescue His Bride and I don’t care if He shows up on clouds of glory that are lit up by the lights of a huge mothership spaceship where he beams up all up to take us to the Father’s house. Scripture is pretty clear that the prophets Enoch and Elijah both did not die on earth, but were taken up into the heavens on fiery chariots. Yeshua may be coming with the mothership of fiery chariots for us. Don’t be closed-minded when it comes to a being who is far more advanced than you are!

The truth is that you were left behind for 3 reasons. (1) You were wrongly taught that you didn’t have to keep the Law, and (2) therefore you didn’t keep it. That made you, according to Yeshua, “a worker of iniquity”. (3) You never got baptized in the “only name given by which we must be saved”, Yeshua. (Acts 4:12) Jesus and all other names/titles/slogans are NOT the “only name by which we must be saved”. Because Yeshua is a diminutive of Yehoshua/Yahushua you might be safe, but better safe than sorry and used the Scriptural name Yeshua in baptism for the forgiveness of sins. Yeshua said, “He who believes and is baptized will be saved”, but believing means doing! Faith without works of the Law is dead, and baptism in Yeshua’s name is REQUIRED for forgiveness of sins.(Acts 2:38) Remember also, many get baptized without really believing. They have probably just gone through the motions of baptism for acceptance by family or society. It’s for these reasons you were left behind.

I cannot say for sure, but as G_d has always proven Himself to be the G_d of second chances I want to hope, but can’t prove that if you get left behind that you will have a change to make corrections during the Tribulation. If you were someone who was a follower of Roman Churchanity and didn’t keep the Law and may have had a worthless baptism for the forgiveness of your sins because they spoke titles over you like father/son/holy ghost or a false name like “Jesus” and not the Acts 4:12 “only name” of Yeshua then perhaps now you will have a chance to right your wrongs. This is my hope for all of those who were lead astray by false shepherds and wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Yeshua will come like a thief in the night to gather His few Wise Virgins, and the Foolish Virgins who believed they didn’t have to keep the Law will be left behind and shut out of the wedding. I’m telling you that billions of s0-called Christians are going to be left behind and rejected by Yeshua because they had not a love for the truth. Anybody who truly has a love for the truth is going to keep pressing in an seeking with an unquenchable hunger. Now that “knowledged has been increased” with the Internet library of ancient texts and videos that expose false teachings in light of new discoveries there really is no excuse for someone not to seek the truth that will make you free.

I hope we got it right that there will be 144,000 Jewish evangelists during the Tribulation that will be preaching the truth of salvation that I’m telling you now. When the Remnant Torah-keeping Bride is removed from the earth those left behind are going to need guidance and the Father in His mercy seems to be providing such in the 144,000.

In closing, be open-minded and READY for that Torah-keeping remnant Bride rapture. You really don’t want to be left behind. If there is no pre or mid trib rapture and we all must endure the horrors of the Tribulation then I really hope Christians the world over will humble themselves and pray, and NOT fall away from their faith and become cut-throat savages. Personally, I’d be very content to starve to death than to steal food from another human being who is trying to survive. When it comes down to it to die in Christ is gain. I will not love my human body life until the end. It’s the soul you must concentrate on keeping alive by doing the right thing by G_d. Wear your tallit katan so you will look upon the visible to all tzitzit fringes and be reminded of His Commandments.

PRINT OUT THIS PAGE NOW AND KEEP IT IN YOUR BIBLE JUST IN CASE SO YOU WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO IF YOU REALIZE YOU HAVE BEEN LEFT BEHIND.

Are We Just Glorified Apes Genetically Hybridized With an Extraterrestrial Species We Call Elohim (gods)?

The Sumerian Tablets record a history that predates the Jewish Scriptures by many thousands of years? Can that be so? The story of the creation of Adam, and even the story of the world-wide flood that was to destroy all humankind are both there. If the ancient Sumerians had this history before Abraham and Sarah, the first truly knowable characters of the Jewish Scriptures could it be possible that the Jewish recounting of the creation of Adam and the flood are 2nd handed and revised versions of the Sumerian histories?

I’ve asked myself these question for many years since reading the works of Zechariah Sitchin. Can we believe that the Anunakkim of the Sumerian culture were really and advances people from another planet who hybridized their own species with the pre-human species they found on this planet?

This is what history says. How are we to reconcile it with faith in YHVH Elohim of the Bible? This has been something I’ve been trying to figure this out for a lot of years and haven’t gotten any closer to the answer. I’m sure I’m on my way to getting closer to the answers I seek as Daniel the prophet was told to “close up the book till the time of the end when knowledge will be increased”. Certainly there are secrets being kept that will help us understand more in these Last Days. I keep an open-minded faith….

Journal to Phyllis Hogan

“I found your diary beneath a tree and started reading about me.”

~lyrics to “Diary” by Bread 1972

Phyllis sent me this photo of her in 2008

Phyllis, many will say that there are plenty more fish in the sea, but I say, “Not for me”.

Everything after you has been like how a drug addict continually seeks a new drug to take the heartache away. Thank G_d I never became a drinker or a drug user.

I placed myself into all kinds of bad situations and experiences hoping to lose myself or find myself in them, but that was escapism. I wanted to be anybody as long as I wasn’t the person I was left being without you. All those needless things I went through trying to escape a life that felt ruined. Nothing else I pursued satisfied.

Somehow life has gone on for years without you, but nothing ever vanquished the memories in my heart of the girl I dreamed would be my bride in white, and mother of my children. I’ve imagined the mile stones in the lives of the children we never had. By now I guess we’d have grandchildren on the family farm in LaGrange, growing up where I grew up with the beautiful meadows, the spring, the pond and lake, cattle, chickens, evenings on the front porch swings.

Memories of a true love unfulfilled. I imagine events that never happened to somehow salvage lost years, and fill pages of a cherished scrapbook that never got to be.

My prayer is to be reunited with you before my time on earth is gone. To hold your hand again before I close my eyes for the last time. To know you did love me as much as I have loved you. If not I can still imagine finding you in heaven and there we will be surrounded by the children that were meant to be.

If I must wait till the next re-incarnation to be with you again I’ll be sure to get you pregnant at the earliest possibility to ensure you will be mine. Do you know how many times I kicked myself in the head for not having sex with you when you asked me to? Little did I know you were trying to consummate our union with a child that day. Silly me, wanting to wait till after the wedding to do that. Lesson learned.

AND So…. I write you letters by the thousands in my mind, and some of them actually get recorded here in this journal…

~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~

13 September 2021

I’ve paused the DVR at a moment of recognition during episode 9, The Reckoning, of the first season of Outlander. Among us Outlander fans it’s know as the “Ye’re tearing my guts out, Claire” episode.

“Strange, the things you remember–the people, the places. The moments in time burned into your heart forever while others fade into the mist. I’ve always known I’ve lived a life different from other men.” Those are the words of James Fraser at the opening of episode 9. Once again this series speaks to me as if inspiration for it came directly from my own life. I know it’s easy to cherry pick a line here or there and anyone can identify with it, but truly, this series is something different. So many things about it I find eerily and deeply close to life events of my own soul.

Before finding this series years ago I had not yet explored my genealogy to discover my own Scots-Irish ancestry. My maternal line goes back to clan Morrison in Scotland who fought on the side of Scotland at the battle of Culloden. After Culloden when the clearances began my family headed for safer environs in Ireland before immigrating to the British colonies in North America. My 6th great grandfather Nathaniel Morrison was born on the Isle of Lewis and died in Berkeley county, Virginia.

Getting back to the Outlander connection. This is a series that it would seem all of it’s fan’s enjoy re-watching the past episodes while waiting for the new season to begin. Between the season’s we call that period, “Droughtlander”. It never fails that I will notice something I hadn’t noticed before when going on the binge-a-thon of episodes like yesterday and today.

Today something jumped out at me that I had not realized before. While watching the scene between Claire and Jamie unfold and come to its crescendo I wept for Jamie because he loved her so much that the thought of losing her was “tearing his guts out”. Upon closer inspection I realized Jamie had just recounted how he had rescued Claire from the psycho abusive clutches of Black Jack Randall who had nearly raped her. It was in that moment of realization I knew who was playing the part of Jack Black Randall in real life–Patrick Hickey, the man Phyllis married just weeks after I moved back to Kentucky.

It’s really a bit unsettling to me that so much of the Outlander storyline nearly follows the storyline between Phyllis and I. You might say my wild imagination is trying to make things fit if you are looking at things from the Outside, but I know Phyllis, if you watch Outlander too then you probably can’t help, but to make some of the same connections as I have.

All of my perhaps forced parallels aside, and at the end of the day I guess there are a lot of things in this world that can spark memories, and cause one to contemplate about those great “what if’s” and “if only’s” especially when a tortured soul has an agenda imagined in advance. Am I really that pityful? Did the sister of Phyllis get it right when she accused me of being “unnaturally obsessed”? Ah, the tragic story of young teenage man who found his soul mate, :and fell in love, only to have his “Great Expectations” dashed…blah, blah, blah, boo hoo.

One other thing that came mind today that I hadn’t realized before about Outlander. In Claire’s other life she was married and had her virginity taken by another before her and Jamie Fraser, who was a virgin, were married. Here I am having retained my virginity. I came close once to loosing it just for the hell of it once with a girl I once knew, but never did. Before Claire and Jamie were married she asked Jamie, “Does it bother you that I’m not a virgin?” He replied, “Does it bother you that I am a virgin? I think it’s a good thing that one of us will know what to do.”

So many parallels…. So many parallels…

11 September 2021

Hey Phyllis…. I was thinking again today about you may feel that I let you down and that me wanting to take the moral high ground and waiting for marriage lead you enter a disastrous marriage. Had I only know back then when I was 17 and you wanted me to get your pregnant that it would have been acceptable in G_d’s eyes then I would have done so and you would have been spared all these years of hell with Patrick. I knew a lot about the Bible when I was 17, but I didn’t know it was Biblically acceptable for a betrothed (engaged) couple to have sexual relations before the actual marriage ceremony. I was ignorant of this fact and that’s the reason for me refusing your request and saying I wanted to wait for our wedding night. If I had only known then you and I could have been living our happily-ever-after for all these years, and probably even enjoy being grandparents now.

Oh, but now…..this day we are living in. This age of COVID…yuck. I don’t think I’ve said anything about his before, but you know about my XO/XY Mosaic chromosome pattern. What I didn’t know until COVID came along was that due to my chromosome pattern I’m at a high risk from getting blood clots from the COVID vaccines. I’ve been against them from the start since they are experimental. My best friend from high school, Danny, just told me a month ago that his mother-in-law died from COVID with blood clots. Yeah, so anyway… I guess I’m one of those people that gets to wear a mask in public for the rest of my life now so I can hopefully avoid infection. Makes me think how it sure would be nice to be living a different lifestyle out in the country instead of in a city with neighbors so close I can almost shake hands with the neighbor by extending my arm out the window lol.

I wish you could have just opened up to me all those years ago and told me what was really going on inside that pretty little head of yours. I think you had some good ideas, but you didn’t share them with me so I was left in the dark with just my own perceptions. How life could have been so drastically different for us had you only opened up and talked to me. That would have been one way to avoid what happened. The other way would have been for me to have been a mindless horny teen with no moral compass who would have been very eager to have sex before marriage. In the end there is no getting around blaming myself for what happened. I should have know the Bible better and then I would have known your request could have been granted and we’d be living happily-ever-after. You would have never had to know a single day of abuse from you know who…ugh. The more I think about things the more I blame myself for what happened to you. I’m sorry.

22 August 2021

Phyllis, the lockdowns are starting again all over the world. Israel is reporting a new variant before going into a 4th lockdown. Remember when the Rev. Jesse Jackson came to our school and gave a speech? He and his wife are fully vaccinated and now have come down with COVID and are struggling for their lives in the hospital. Did you take the jab? I hope not. G_d’s word tells us to quarantine ourselves away from illnesses spreading. Hope you got your pantry full of food and already bought some toilet paper. Walmart’s shelves are already emptied. I want you to survive this. Be smart. Stay home. Don’t walk past people. Wear a mask if only for the purpose to remind you and others there is a deadly pandemic raging and we all need to keep our distance and be safe or be dead. It’s time for PPP. Pray, Prepare, Precaution.

8 August 2021

Phyllis, I was talking with a friend the other day about your sister Zina and how she referred to the love and care I continue to have for you after all these years as an “unnatural obsession”. As I was also telling him I felt somehow responsible for the abusive marriage you entered when I failed to move quick enough, my friend said to me, “Yossi, you said this woman, the sister, is a lesbian, right? How can someone who does not possess natural affection know anything about love? Yossi, your level of relationship with your fiancé had entered a level of intimacy where it is not possible to back out on marrying her. Your feelings for her are natural and G_dly as she was your beshert. Do not listen to the counsel of the wicked.”

This conversation with my friend came after I’d had dinner with his family on the Sabbath. He’d asked me if something was bothering me because I seemed a bit sad. I told him it was really nothing–just an old wound. He didn’t need to push much to get me to talk. I’ll tell you how it unfolded.

I asked my friend if he’d ever seen the movie, Fiddler on the Roof. “Yeah, he said, and continued, “I think I know where you are going with this? When I blessed the children?” I was able to squeak out a “Yes”, while trying to hold back the emotion I felt. He said, “Yossi, it is common for those yet unwed and without children to become emotional sometimes like this. Is there something in particular you would like to tell me?”

Over the course of the next 10 minutes my whole story fell out of me. “When you were blessing the children I was thinking about the song made for the movie where the parents were singing a blessing upon their children and at that moment I was feeling grief inside for the children I never got to have with the woman I loved.”

I asked my friend, who is a rabbi, “Am I doing wrong by having such thoughts about another man’s wife?” He advised me that mine was a special situation and I was not coveting another man’s wife, but was grieving the loss of my own intended wife and unborn children that should have been. The souls of the children that were intended for you we can talk about another day.” Just like a rabbi to dangle a cliffhanger. As our conversation closed I had to ask, “If she is still living when her husband passes would it be permissible to marry her?” He chuckled a little and advised, “At your age I think it would be perfectly fine for two old friends to marry and keep each other company in their golden years.” That made me smile and we hugged and the evening continued with a burden lifted.

31 July 2021 (Had to spend so much time answering this bullshit that I don’t have time to spell check)

Phyllis, you can get mad or be mad at me if you want, but both your sisters treated me with contempt, and were rude and insulting to me. I didn’t deserve that because I was nothing but nice and respectable to them. Be mad at me if you want, but you already know how Joan and Zina are. I have a good memory of things you told me about them back in the day. Some people may say they forget, but I don’t.

Noticed I had some messages on my Ancestry.com account and when I logged into my messages low and behold there was a cowardly message left from your sister Zina who had previously blocked me from responding to her previous rude message. If you care to see I can show you all our correspondence and you will see that I was overly nice to her, but before she blocked me she uncompassionately just deleted my existence in her life, like I mentioned earlier, “like a Nazi”. Her being a proud and active homosexual against G_d it’s not like anyone should be surprised about such behavior from what scripture says is a homosexual with a reprobate mind. See my July 4th entry below for nasty message Zina sent me before she blocked me on Ancestry.com.

So, I was sure that would be the last I’d hear from your lesbian sister, but I was wrong! When I logged into my ancestry account today I found another nasty message from her. Apparently she unblocked me long enough to send another nasty message and then as you can see from the documentation below of her message, she has blocked me again. The screen grab may appear blurry here, but if you have a touch screen you can enlarge the picture easily and it will no longer be blurry and easily readable.

I know it’s tedious, but the lies she is telling in her message deserve to be addressed. Zina, I hope you doesn’t feel the need to continue your bullshit and lies because I’m not impressed. Don’t bother to write me again because you don’t have anything legitimate to say.

Here’s the screen grab of Zina’s message and below it are my line by line responses:

Zina: “I do not have a current Ancestry membership. Your messages went to spam. Therefore a delay in answering.”

My Response: Well, um, Zina, long before I contacted you I had come across your account when I was doing my own ancestry work and I had looked up Phyllis one day while gathering information for the book I’m publishing about my life story that I’m sure Joan filled in about as I’d asked her to contact Phyllis because I wanted her to sign off permissions for things I have written about her and Patrick. You have had an active account for a long time as each time I’d glean information from your tree it posts the last time you logged into ancestry. Whether or not you had a “active account” at any certain time the messaging feature remains constantly active. The Ancestry.com messaging system does not have a spam feature so you are either confused about that or outright lying, I suspect the latter.

Zina: “I honestly did not remember your last name. And I was sincere when I said I do not think it is a good idea to interfere in other people’s marriages.”

My Response: At least I can believe you are being honest about not remembering my last name. It’s not like you may ever even known it to begin with. As well, you may be sincere about not interfering in marriages, but caring about your own sister’s welfare in a marriage where she is being abused is not interfering, it’s called caring. Do you even know anything at all about the things she has suffered at the hands of Pat Hickey? I worked with his brother at the Garden Ridge store for a time and I pumped him for information about Pat and Phyllis as a curious, but long forgotten school acquaintance. I learned a lot from him, the co-worker Donna when Phyllis was contacting me through her email account when she worked at the jeweler as Prospect. Fate and destiny has surely had it’s way I think even a sceptic would have to admit. Pat’s very talkative brother becoming a co-worker of mine and Phyllis working at the same shopping center where my family used to have a home decor and furniture store? I didn’t make these things happen, G_d did, but I know it’s useless to talk to someone of your G_dless lifestyle about G_d and how He operates in our lives. When Phyllis searched me out and contacted me in 2007 that was her reaching out to tell me about her nightmare of a life with the abusive asshole she married. She could have had a great life with me as we had planned, but somehow she went off the rails and look what she got herself into. Your mother who was so very dear and kind to me over the years was the only support Phyllis had. Your mother didn’t blow Phyllis off with the notion of not interfering in another person’s marriage. She was there to support Phyllis as best she could with the mess she was in. Caring and being supportive does not involve interfering. Again though, as I said previously in my other post, you are not quite the person to talk to about marriage seeing you failed in yours. At least you got out of the marriage alive. Something Phyllis fears she will never be able to do and it’s just a waiting game for her waiting till the day Pat eventually dies to leave her in peace. And what then? After all those years of abuse do I think Phyllis will be in any state to resume even a friendship with me, much less anything more? I can hope because if she has kept it together all these years with that abusive bastard then she is a strong woman, thank G_d. Now, would be a good time to address your “unnatural obsession” insult, but I’ll take each line of your nasty note as you wrote it.

Zina: “I was on vacation over the Fourth of July, I do not answer emails while on vacation.”

My Response: Well, la de da! I think I should be on vacation and not even bother to respond to this junk from you since you had previously since your last correspondence blocked me from responding to you. I don’t owe you ANY courtesies after your nasty behavior. You need to own up to your shit. I’m here though to call you on your shit for all to see. I’m not one to take shit from anyone lying down.

Zina: “You said you gave me three days to respond out of courtesy. And then you posted slanderous and unkind comments on your blog about me and Joan.

Do you really think I would want to talk to you after that totally inappropriate action?”

My Response: Don’t try to confuse the timeline of events, girly. You had plenty of time to talk with me back in June when you first read my introductory message if you actually cared about me as a person or cared for Phyllis. As far as I am concerned you had done lost credibility when you read my messages and made the nasty little choice not to respond. Although not planned, I doubt you would have ever responded to me if not for your sleuthing and reading my blog to Phyllis. Then you had the gall to read my second message and then still not respond letting weeks pass, just blowing me off. Here’s the evidence of giving you way more than three days courtesy to respond after Ancestry.com documented with a timestamp that you read my message at 1:59 pm the same day. Nothing went to spam as you claim. You read it the same day I posted with with or without a current Ancestry membership. I waited more than three days for you to respond. I waited 14 days in fact before writing to you again. And, as for me posting what you call “slanderous and unkind comment on your blog about me and Joan,” well, it’s not my blog entry contents written long after 3 days had any connection to you not responding in three days so don’t try to make a connection where there is none. I made comments about Joan 5 days after June 14th, but no comments about you until July 2nd. If you wanna try to blow smoke up somebodies skirt Zina, better gets your facts straight first. You have proved yourself to not only be an uncaring person, but as well a bit fraudulent. As far I am concerned about your behavior, you are the one who sent me your nasty note and blew me off and then blocked me from responding to your nastiness. A lot of horrible things happen in this world when some people think nobody see’s their actions. The Savior I serve says there is nothing hidden that will not be revealed. I guess you weren’t quite prepared that I’d expose your bullshit, but just deleting me out of your existence by blocking me after giving me the blow off was all the Nazi treatment I needed from someone like you before exposing you for what you really are. You might be able to fool some people Zina, but a word of advice. In the future if you try to do something fraudulent be sure to think things through first because as you can see your haste has made a waste of your false testimony.

Zina Wrote: “With all of your different names I really had no idea who I was talking to. Your postings about my character and personal life was not appreciated. You do not know me.

My Response: There you go with all the insults again, or do they call them micro aggressions today?

All the different names??? Just be honest Zina. I TOLD YOU who you were talking to regardless of the name change I went through after finding my biological father. Who the hell else in this world would know the facts I stated about me and Phyllis? Outside of me and Phyllis and your mom and Linda and maybe Tim there is nobody else. I never met Joan and from what I heard from Linda and Phyllis wouldn’t have wanted to. I only met you a couple times…who else in this whole wide world could come along claiming to be “Chuck”? I clearly told you who I was and all you had to do was respond, but you chose not to, not because you didn’t know who you were talking to, but because you did know and didn’t know what to say or if you wanted to say anything. Then of course, there is always the paranoid thoughts you could have had that it may be Patrick Hickey trying to set you up since he knows all about me and Phyllis and I reconnecting back in 2007/2008.

Your personal life and character are disgusting and I really don’t care if you don’t appreciate what I (or G_d) has to say about them. As you say, while I may not know you, why would I want to know you? You showed your true colors real quick. I extended tolerance for your personal lifestyle choice and character till your behavior towards me began to affect my life. What a relief, that I’ve only had to have you treat me like shit for a couple messages instead of the last 40 years! Woe, to all those before me that have called you on your bullshit lol

Zina: “Speaking about my parents burial locations is totally inappropriate and none of your business.”

My Response: Oh, get off your lesbian politically correct high horse! It’s people of your lifestyle choice that started all this politically correct appropriate/inappropriate bullshit that has the whole world in a mess today.

What you don’t seem to understand is that YOUR PARENTS choice of separate burial locations is all part of the dysfunctionality that is part of the mystery of why Phyllis broke off our engagement and ran off and married a guy she already had know from school was a major asshole. Your parents choice of separate burial locations is directly connected my future wife being messed up and getting stuck with and abusive monster, and look at all the heartache and I went through when she just dumped me out of the blue with no warning. Obviously, Phyllis had things going on psychologically, Daddy issues, that I knew nothing about. What secrets were being kept? What was the home life like when Jewell was living? I’m not gonna make any assumptions, but I know something was not right for Phyllis to be so desperate to have me impregnate her at age 15 so she could get of home? What was the issue? Did Phyllis want to get out of home and any guy would do, or was she grieving the love of her father so much that she just desperately needed the healing love of a man in her life to replace that lost from her father? I don’t know, but psychology has a limit to the questions and answers in such situations. It all become pretty simple and the healing begins when people open up and talk about their feelings, but when all the family secrets are hidden away in a box in dark closet somewhere then no healing happens and people make a lot of bad choices as a result of an unhealthy mental state.

A child can only be as mentally healthy as the environment he or she has grown up in so you better damn well know that your parent’s separate burial locations is something I have every right to be curious about being someone who’s life has been directly affected because of Irene and Jewell’s relationship. I ain’t gonna speculate, but I think anybody can pretty much agree that if Phyllis still had her father alive and well and he was a good and appropriate man then he would have respected our relationship and encouraged Phyllis to wait for me to turn 18 and return to Kentucky to marry her instead of two young people not even out of high school yet having a baby and trying to start a life together like that. I tried to do the right and respectable thing in all ways concerning Phyllis, but something was going on with Phyllis that I didn’t know about and surely she didn’t understand herself at the time either. She’s had a lot of years to clear her head and understand where she went wrong and I don’t judge Phyllis for anything, nor do I hold anything against her. That’s what real unconditional love is all about. And with that last statement I think that is a good segue into responding to your “unnatural obsession” jab.

Zina: Joan and I love our sister very much. Your “unnatural” obsession with my sister is very unsettling.

My Response: I won’t say you don’t have some love for Phyllis, but how in the hell could you let her continue to be abused by that bastard for so many years? I guess love to you means that she at least (maybe) stays alive if she stays with him instead of living without him and being threatened with him killing her. You and Joan could have helped Phyllis get away from him and get legal protection from him. Did you even try? Oh, wait,,,I forgot, Zina. You don’t interfere with friends and your families marriages, even if a life is at stake I guess. Phyllis knows what kind of situation she is in and she has made her decision to deal with her abuser the way she has. I just hope she outlives him without harm.

“Unnatural obsession”…. there you go with the insults and accusations. There is nothing unnatural about a man falling in love with a woman, and a woman falling in love with a man, but I guess you wouldn’t know anything about natural affection since you are in a reprobate relationship with another woman.

I have no obsession with Phyllis. After she broke off our engagement and married Patrick I did my best to heal the best I knew how which admittedly was not best. I was suicidal, but I eventually got past that, but it took a long while to get that bleeding broken heart to stop hemorrhaging. Along the way I thought alcohol and drugs would help to numb the pain and they did for some temporary hours of relief, but those years of numbing myself to the heartbreak allowed a thick scar to form and I moved on with my life. Yeah from time to time I had conversations with Linda and your mom and found out how Phyllis was doing because for a time I held out hope she might leave her mistake of a marriage and return to me, but I never heard from her. I moved on and lost my virginity with another girl that I’m ashamed to say I did not marry. At least that girl let me know I was able to love again. Being able to love again only means your heart experienced some recovery, but it doesn’t mean you must move on and love someone else. Phyllis was my one true love in this lifetime. For all I know she could be a soul mate from many lifetimes together. All I know is the kind of unconditional love I had for her never died and that doesn’t mean I have some “unnatural obsession” for her. I had a lot of years when the only time I’d think of her was when her birthday and other certain dates that had been committed to memory would come around. It wasn’t until I began writing my life story in 2007 that I began thinking about Phyllis more often again as I was chronicling our relationship in my memoires to be published. That’s when Phyllis found website where I had mentioned her briefly in mini-bio and she contacted me and we began reconnecting after all those years. Her contacting me again gave me hope, not unnatural obsession. If Phyllis never wants to see me again in this lifetime that closes the chapter, but don’t you dare insult the love we had together by trying to label me as someone with an “unnatural obsession”. It’s preposterous!

Zina: “Did it ever occur to you that this was over a Holiday weekend and just maybe someone may be on vacation or out of pocket?”

My Response: June 14 to June 28th was no holiday weekend. You had read both messages I sent and chose not to answer.

The July 4th weekend is just your made up excuse which is nearly akin to gaslighting. Not buying it. All the blathering you are doing now is just a bunch of bs reaction to me telling it like it is. I have a right to free speech and you ain’t gonna bully me into relinquishing that right. That’s how you homosexuals have bullied the decent people of this world into giving your lifestyle all kinds of right that we don’t even have. Let me be clear…. I’m not into discriminating against people like you, but I’m also not into promoting your lifestyle either. It’s the promotion of people like yourself that are visible examples to impressionable youth that are now being carried down a destructive path like no other time in history and who cares because the powers that be are glad because suicide among homosexuals is high and they don’t reproduce children with each other so it keeps the planet population down maybe better than bioweapons like COVID-19 an it’s experimental franken vaccines that are killing thousands.

Zina: “Did it occur to you that plastering unflattering and personal information on your blog is not a way to gain someone’s trust or confidence?”

My Response: Obviously it did not occur to you that I had already made the decision that you were no longer of any worth to me after your behavior towards me. How in the heal would you think I or anybody would want to gain your trust or confidence after such contemptable behavior? You had your chance and blew it. I’m a street fighter. You may be lucky enough to get the first punch, but the next one is mine and I don’t play. I go for the knockout or I know you gonna rise up and try to hurt me again as you have evidenced. BTW, I don’t know what kind of unflattering and personal information you might be talking about as you are a well known as a prideful lesbian promoting your lifestyle choice for all to see, even children on the internet. If I plastered anything it was information that you have made public so don’t fuss about me doing a rerun.

Zina: Did it ever occur to you that just maybe you are putting my sister in a bad position?

My Response: I’d love to hear about your idea of a bad position for the wife of the monster Patrick James Hickey? Could she be in any worse position for the last near 40 years where her life has been threatened? A position you don’t care about because you don’t interfere in marriages?

Did it ever occur to you that Phyllis has mouth and a mind of her own and if she had any problem with anything she knows how to get a hold of me if she wants to? My email address is no secret and I have a cell phone.

30 July 2021

Phyllis, I often take memories of us and revision them. Often when I’m doing therapeutic and meditative things like cooking it gives me time to think. This morning I was making my pitcher of juice for the next couple days. The juice I make is really good, by the way 🙂 It’s equal parts celery, carrot, beet, blackberry, and tamarind. Anyway, this morning while preparing it I was thinking back to that night when you and I went out to dinner at that restaurant in the hotel across the river in Indiana. It’s a very sweet memory and it was a wonderful evening we had at our own table while my family ate at another table. In my imagination this morning I revisioned the evening. It’s so easy to revision things when looking at them in hindsight. I imagined however that I used that lovely evening to ask you to become my wife and present you with an engagement ring. Oh, how wonderful life would have been if I had done that. I think we both would have been spared many heartaches over the last 40 years.

Today, I wanted to imagine a photo of you and I together so I took the photo you had taken at your birthday and gave me and tried to blend it together with a photo of mine from about the same time. I’m not good at photoshop, but the photo still gives me a warm feeling. I wish it could be a real photo of the two of us together. G_d willing, there may come a day when we take such photo’s together again.

I hope you are well and feeling happy today. My dogs Molly and George had a couple puppies a few weeks ago and they been keeping me busy. Here are Pugsley puddle pup, and his smaller brother wee Willie. They had just begun to open their eyes when I took this photo. They are a couple weeks older now and much bigger and fluffier.

I remember your dog Princess the white Samoyed you used to have. Have you had other pets? For 16 years I had a couple of Lhasa Apso’s and their names were Becky and Spyke. More times than I can count I’ve mistakenly called my current dogs, Molly and George, by their names. They were sweet little friends and I miss them. Ah, Pugsley and Willie are waking up from their nap and starting to whine. I better get up and let Molly in to nurse them. Have a nice day 🙂

12 July 2021

Phyllis, several days ago, by the grace of G_d, I reconnected with my best friend Danny from my high school years. It’s crazy to see him now with a son and daughter as old as we used to be when we knew each other. It’s been nearly 30 years since we last saw each other, but we reconnected nearly like picking up where we left off. It’s amazing how good memories quickly bridge the gap of years that past by without seeing each other. I am thankful for reconnecting. When I graduated from high school, and was more than ready to get out on my own, Danny and his roommates gave me a place to begin.

It takes me back, of course, to the scary memories of life with my abusive alcoholic mother. I was telling Danny how everyday at school I would dread when the final bell would ring and it was time to take the school bus home. The moment that last bell rang my anxiety level would rise as I’d begin being fearful of what I would find a home. Would this be another one of my mother’s drunk and abusive nights or would there be calm. Would there be blood tonight or peace.

I tell you this because I need you to know that even though my mother was horrible to me even till the day she took her last breath on this earth that I have forgiven her. It was August 1994 which was the 1st anniversary of her death and I’d lit a candle next to her photo on my fireplace mantle and I’d rehearsed a lot of bones I wanted to pick with her. I stood there and drew in a slow deep breath as I closed my eyes seeking clarity, and I asked, “Mother, where do I begin?” I suddenly felt a sweet peace come over me as I had an epiphany. I said, “Mama, your on the other side now with no veil to conceal anything. I had a long list of things I wanted to tell you, but this moment, in an instant, I understand that you already know everything I was gonna say. You know how much you broke my heart with all the things you did to hurt me in this life. Even though you had hate in your heart till you took your last breath, I know if you could only come back for two minutes you would say,’I’m sorry’, and you’d put your arms around me and tell me you love me for the first time ever.”

I walked away from her candle lit photo on the mantle with peace and release through the forgiveness I gave her and one day I hope I will be able to see her on the Other Side where “all the former things are past away”. One loving hug from her on the other side will make up for a lifetime of abuse.

Phyllis, I am telling you about Danny and my mother today because I want you to know about the power of forgiveness in my life and how many years passing are nothing when you reunite with someone you care deeply about. These two events in my life give me a similar hope about you. If it be G_d’s will and Patrick leaves this world before you or I do then I really hope you will want to see me again. I can’t imagine you ever had any love for Patrick and especially not now after all the years of abuse you have suffered from him, but one day when he is gone you will be free from your vow and I will be free as well to see you in respect to G_d’s Law. I remember how your eyes and everything about you sparkled when you’d smile at me and I’d give anything to see that sweet smile of yours again that comes from a heart that never stopped loving me, Bright Eyes.

5 July 2021

I was in prayer today asking our heavenly Father why he gave you two unsupportive sisters like Joan and Zina. Zina saying she didn’t like to get involved in her friends/family’s marriages really stuck a cord, a sad one.

I asked G_d why you have sisters that are so heartless. That still small voice (1 Kings 19) said, “Just as the Nazi’s in Germany extinguished the life of my people, Joan and Zina are spiritual Nazi’s. With a touch of a button they deleted you so they didn’t have to face their conscience. Just as Hitler found out his final solution would be no final solution, neither of them pressing the delete button on you will be a final solution to their seared consciences.” Then that still small voice spoke again, “Zina says she does not want to get involved in friends/family’s marriages. If she would have gotten involved in her own marriage with John Gelona she wouldn’t be divorced now and living in an unnatural relationship with another woman.”

Why do people choose to be so evil and uncompassionate in this world? Yeshua said, “What you do to the least of these you also do to me”. Every deed, good or bad done in this world is being written in the Lamb’s Book of Lives (aka Akashic Record).

4 July 2021

Well, Phyllis, it’s another sad day. You sister Zina finally wrote back to me on Ancestry.com with this message:

This was her blow off response before she blocked me from contacting her on Ancestry.com.

Notice the MOST IMPORTANT thing she wrote about her lack of concern for your welfare: “I try not to get involved in my family’s and friend’s marriages.”

I’m really horrified how both Joan and Zina don’t seem to give a shit about you. I don’t even know if they know or care how much Pat Hickey has abused you all these years and that you live under the threat of him killing you if you were to ever leave him. I sure hope we don’t see a day when you show up dead at Pat’s hands and all Zina or Joan have to say is they didn’t want to get involved. It is so sad they have such a lack of care and concern for their own sister.

I don’t know Phyllis, maybe you have abused spouse syndrome or something and you never have told your sisters the things you told me or told Donna at your former job at the jeweler in Prospect. That lady was a good soul. She was really frightened about all she witnessed between you and Patrick and things you told her about his abuse to you.

I am so sorry your own family does not care enough about you to become involved. What I am sorry about most of all is I feel responsible for the situation you find yourself in. I will assume that the day you wanted me to have sex with you was because it was your fertile days and you wanted to become pregnant so it would force our families to allow us to be married. You didn’t communicate that to me so I interpreted it the wrong way. If I had only done what you wanted then you would have never married Patrick Hickey and you would have had a wonderful life with me and we would have the happiness of children and grandchildren. Life would have been so different and lovely for both us had I followed your lead. Instead, both of us have suffered greatly. I’m sorry.

3 July 2021

I noticed your mother was not married next to your father. Why is that? Why is she buried in Louisville and he is buried in Cave City? That’s something else that boggles my mind. Were they in an unhappy marriage that your mom didn’t want to be buried next to your dad? I don’t know the answer, but knowing they are not buried together as husband and wife makes me feel sad.

2 July 2021

Just so you know, this blog is not a “one time entry” type of blog. I’ll probably be often repeating certain memories or questions I’ve had as they return to mind for this or that reason. Guess it will be like listen to old people’s war stories, so to speak. I remember stories I’d heard from my grandmother so many times that I’d often tune out while she was repeating a story for the umpteenth time. Now, I find myself clinging tenderly to each and every one of those stories I can remember as a way to keep her alive in my mind. I greatly miss my grandmother. She was part of me. I have often said that I feel we shared a soul between us.

What I was going to be sort of repetitive today on concerns Ancestry.com and my contact with Joan and my attempted contact with Zina. I already knew from years ago that Joan was a bit of a firebrand so it was no surprise to me when she treated me nasty, but the surprise was that she treated me so badly and said such ugly things to me when she claims to be such a Christian. Yeshua had a lot to say about hypocrites. Aside from Joan, as I said, I’ve also tried to contact Zina on her Ancestry.com account.

As you can see below, I wrote a very nice message to Zina and she read it as you see the time stamp that is places on a messages that that have been read by the recipient. It’s there, just below my message, bottom right. As the usual such courtesy I waited three days for a reply and was going to message her again, but waited till the 28th and wrote her again to express my disappointment. She read that note the next day and did not respond to that one either.

If either Joan or Zina would have kindly explained to me why they did not want to be of assistance to me I could have graciously accepted that and moved on cause that’s the kind of person I am. Instead, both of them chose behavior that exhibits their like of care for my feelings, or anyone else’s feelings for that matter. It’s about character. When you treat one innocent person in a hurtful fashion you will treat all others the same way.

1 July 2021

Another year half over. Hey, do you remember Spring Break 1978? I know you do because remember I came back from Spring Break all tanned after spending a week in Fort Lauderdale, and Key West. I thought of that today because it’s just one of those lovely summer day’s when you wanna say to your friends, “Let’s all go to the water park!” Have you ever been to a water park? I remember you had purchased a turquoise-colored one piece and you sent me pictures of you it. I believe it was in the photo’s I returned to your with your Raggedy Ann doll? Did you keep all the photos or did you feel unsafe keeping them because of your abuser? I can still see all the photo’s in my memory.

I was wondering if you took a liking to eating Sushi when you lived in Okinawa? I love sushi. I prefer just the fish cause rice turns to sugar and my body don’t like sugar. Many places don’t know how to make sushi rice well anyways so it’s not worth eating it, but I know places where the sushi rice is prepared the perfect way it’s supposed taste and I’ll treat myself to a couple of pieces of sushi with the rice when it’s that good.

Were conditions good with the Japanese when you were there. I know for a long time American’s were hated there because many of the American service men raped the Japanese women and even murdered quite few of them. Did you ever have trouble there? Did you become fluent in Japanese? Oh! A funny memory. Do you remember telling about a day at school when you were in line at the bookstore and you commanded, “Hey Jap! Give me a pencil?”

My mother liked Florida a lot. It was a favorite vacation site for us and we’d always drive all the way down to Lake City, Florida and stay the first night and drive the rest of the way down to our destination the next day. I remember that first night in April 1978 after we settled into our hotel room we ventured out walking to a restaurant and the warm tropical breeze that felt so luxurious brought with it music as it flowed out of some establishment. I’ll never forget the song was Alicia Bridges singing, I Love The Nightlife. She had a unique voice. She’s dead now along with so many of the people that sang the music that is like a personal soundtrack of the memories of my life. Remember how you and I used to sit in the dining room of your home and listen to Simon & Garfunkel, and the Beach Boys on vinyl records? Does anybody still have those records? They are probably collectors items today.

28 June 20

Although David Gates of the band Bread wrote “Everything I own” about his father, many people like myself relate through the song as if it were about a broken relationship. I know many, many times this song would catch me by surprise on the radio and my heart would break all over again, Phyllis.

19 June 2021

Friends and family always used to tell me, “You’ll heal in time”. I did a lot of things to try to heal. After a couple years I got the bleeding to stop. Graduating high school opened up a whole new busy world to keep my mind off you. I registered for college, but then just before classes were to start I flew off to Europe with a backpack and $400 dollars in my pocket. My heart scabbed over, but it took a long time for a tough scar to form over the last 30 years. Now, that I’ve entered to last years of my life I’ve been reviving memories and asking questions that I tried to block out over the years.

The memories and questions have intensified since I began writing my book. Speaking of that book, you know I contacted your sister Joan and asked her to have you contact me because I wanted your permission for the publishing to have you in my book. Joan said some really nasty things to me and then she blocked me from writing back to her. After the way she treated me I was really shocked to see on her Facebook page that she is all about being a Christian, but you sure wouldn’t know it from her actions.

I had been writing my own life story for years, but didn’t feel enough heart about my own story that it would be interesting enough without a lot of other characters and interesting situations. Over the last few years as I have been watching my Outlander series it inspired me to take a bit of a turn to have my book to become a novel. Where the book takes a turn is that it is no longer only an autobiography of this life, but I’ve added the reincarnation theme to the book that begins with me doing a past life regression to the civil war period when you and I shared another lifetime together as husband and wife.

Writing my book so things are historically correct is important to me. I’ve spent years researching the various periods I write about where you and I shared previous lifetimes together, always finding each other again as soul mates. All the researching and trying to create stories of other lifetimes caused me to delve deep into this lifetime of memories with you. While I was out in the garden this morning feeding the ducks I was wondering why you didn’t value me returning to Kentucky to live when I was 18 with plans to marry you. So many of your actions I just don’t understand, but I’d like to understand. A lot of questions come up in my mind as to your motivations for things you did, but they are all imaginations. One day I hope we will have long talks about what lead you to take certain actions when we were teens.

14 June 2021

It’s me again. I have to say that writing this journal to you takes a lot of courage on my part. It’s not an easy thing to do, but I feel it is a necessary thing that I do.

When you and I were together the briefs hours we would spend together were never spent getting to know each other deeply, psychologically. As I never met my father until I was 25-years-old I cannot know what you went though loosing your father a few years before we met. Also, you cannot know what I suffered with an abusive mother who tried to stab me to death when I was 12-years-old.

What I suffered as a child and teen with my mother was horrible, but what became part of my psyche and strength was the knowing that I survived. Out of utter chaos and terror was born a person that had learned that every day survived was like a new lease on life where anything was possible. Where there is life there is hope, the saying goes.

These experiences shaped the person I grew into that remained full of hope for tomorrow. What does one have to loose when only hours the day before their life could have been taken away? Perhaps those abusive childhood experiences that shaped the person I became made me hyper unafraid to take chances in life, often leaping without looking.

Even though you leaving me for another man broke my heart deeply it provided the rest of my life with a foundation. Once you’ve hit bottom there is no place to go but up. I was lost and no longer has a compass, but the training of my abusive childhood allowed me to continue on even after all hope was lost, but I continued on with reckless abandon.

My mother would always say the turn my life took after you was because I never wanted to be hurt by putting my hopes in a woman ever again. She saw my reckless path as a way to avoid any and all emotional entanglement. At the time I thought my mother had no clue to what I was going through, but after I spent enough years trying to find my way I believe she was right, in part. There were two girls in my life after you left me, but I never allowed myself any emotional attachment to them. I only allowed myself to get so close and then I’d back away. They were like a test to see if I had any emotions left after you had deserted me. I learned I did still have emotions, but I knew I could never trust again, and so my life too a direction that would ensure I’d never have my heart broken again.

Getting back to you… I’ve always wondered what made you do the things you did. How you could tell me you love me and agree to wait for me and be my wife and then suddenly change and run off with another just when I’d returned to live near you so we could begin to understand and repair our relationship. I was just getting my grandmother used to the idea that I was talking with you again when you took it upon yourself to show up that night at my grandmother’s home with no notice. You and I had not even gotten to the point of discussing the idea of seeing each other again and here you just show up at my grandmother’s home with no warning.

What was going on in your head that made you feel it was appropriate to come to my grandmother’s home when I had no even disclosed her address. I remember you telling me because you knew her name you asked town’s folk where she lived and that is how you found the farm. While I appreciate the spunk, my grandmother was quite shocked and found your behavior quite inappropriate. Don’t forget my grandmother was from a different time having grown up in the Victorian era when ladies just didn’t act like that.

I think my grandmother would have seen such actions as controlling, and deceitful, and without care for how your actions would affect others. All she knew of you is what she’d been told by my mother and myself, much more from my mother I’m sure. Your actions were disrespectful to my grandmother and her home. You just took it upon yourself to come there uninvited. I believe, after a stunt like that, my grandmother would have taken a long time to forgive such behavior and take the chance to get to know you. I have to realized also that my grandmother may have never believed me that you came there uninvited. I have to also take into account that my grandmother may have felt threatened by you. She probably felt you had the power to take me away from her because of my love for you. Had everything worked out the way I had wanted you and your mother would have come out to meet my grandmother on an invited and much anticipated occasion. As my plan would have progressed we would have been married and made our home there at the farm. I imagined building a home of our own down near the lake where we’d start a family, and we’d still be there today continuing the family farm with beef cattle, chickens and the garden with all the little helpers that would have come into our life.

I’m sure you’ve seen that old movie with Jimmy Stewart, It’s a Wonderful Life? Imagine how perfect it all could have been? Instead, you forfeited love and children for an abusive psycho named Patrick Hickey that you hardly knew and you ran off and married him barely within a month of my return to Kentucky to make you my own bride. I have to ask in the most respectful way, what in the world was going on in your head that made you do such desperate things? Were you suffering from the death of your father a few years before we met? Did he leave an emotional pit inside you that was desperate to be filled? You actions made me feel like I was nothing more to you than a type of band-aide for something you were suffering from. If I didn’t give you what you wanted you were going to move on quickly to get it from another man. You were on a mission to get married to any man to fill some need, but that need was not love was it? I’m just grasping at straws trying to understand why you did what you did. I’ve never been allowed any answers. I’m sure you’ve had many years to understand why you did what you did and also many years to regret jumping into a marriage with an abusive man. I’d really like you to fill in the blanks one day and tell me what you were going through that made you make such poor decisions.

Let me close by saying that I’m only looking to understand. Please don’t take anything I say or ask as if I’m angry. The past is the past and forgiveness is the only path to put pain of the past behind us and be able to live in love in the here and now. I believe that all things happen for a reason so I try to live a life without regrets, and know that G_ds work’s all things together for good.

4 June 2021

13 years ago you sent me this photo of you. It’s hard to believe it’s been 13 years. Is that an opal you are wearing around your neck? I see you are wearing pearls…they suit you. When I see you in pearls, I know it’s silly, but it makes me think of that favorite series I watch called Outlander. In the series Jamie gave Claire a strand of pearls that had belonged to his mother. Being a gemologist I imagine you’ve gathered quite a collection of jewelry.

It appears you hair has begun to lighten a bit over the years, maybe a touch of grey starting? Do me a favor? Never hide your true hair color. I know you mother and my mother both used to use red hair color to enliven their former brighter red hair color, but I prefer natural. I love grey hair color and I think you look just as stunning with grey and sparkling blue eyes. I imagine you have more gray now these 13 years later.

Today I found this video in my subscription list. It’s about prophecies concerning our Messiah Yeshua. Rabbi Kaduri’s prophecies concerning the return of Yeshua will either be proven true or false this coming in just a couple weeks. June 23, 2021 is the date. I’m not a date setter believer, but I believe that everyone should simply be READY AT ALL TIMES. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8Y8H81zgxk&t=758s

29 May 2021

Today I was going through old photos from when I lived in France. I was deleting photos I no longer wanted to be reminded of the contents. I have found that I often need to purge stuff that piles up. I prefer a minimalist lifestyle with not too many possessions. Too many possessions makes me feel like there are too many things to keep track of and so an uncluttered life makes for an uncluttered mind. I remember when I moved from my house I had in South Dakota to California. When you have a house you sure do have a lot of room to collect stuff. Before moving I did a big purge even letting go of furniture and things my grandmother had given me. I felt hanging onto so many things for sentimental reasons was close to a mental disorder like hoarding. I felt that as long as I had the memories then that was the most dear thing to my heart, not the object itself.

In other thoughts… I had thought of something yesterday that I wanted to mention to you, but forgot to write about it at the time. Remember that conversation we had about why you and Patrick never had children together? I’ve often wondered about that. I come across places in the Bible where women could not conceive like the famous story of Sarah and Abraham, yet G_d opened her ability to conceive after she had thought she was too old to have a baby. My point being that G_d does have control over the blessing of if a couple has children or not. I don’t want it to sound like I’m being mean, but I have often wondered if G_d didn’t allow you to have children with Patrick because I was supposed to be the father of your children. There have been moments in my life when I missed being a father. In particular, and I think it was when you had been calling me in 2008, I was walking home from the gym one day and I always pass a school yard that’s a big sports green surrounded by a tall chain link fence to keep baseballs and such from flying out into the street. One day I saw some little leaguer’s having a baseball game. I just gave them a passing glance while I was walking, but for some reason I suddenly stopped to watch one little boy who was up at bat. I turned and stood with my nose to the fence and my fingers through the fence holding on while I watch to see if he’d strike the ball. I felt this deep pang of emotion hit me. I knew there was an empty place inside me that just for an instant wanted to imagine that was my little boy up at bat that I was so proud of. As tears came out of my eyes I pulled myself away from the fence and reprimanded myself for being such a silly goose. It is a vacant spot in my life though.

28 May 2021

I was watching a few episodes from my favorite Outlander series today. It’s really an awesome series for many people around the world to watch. I can only hope that you watch it and it brings out many feelings deep inside like it does me. Watching the love story between Claire and Jamie growing stronger with all the terrible trials they go through makes me think of how my love for you has remained alive after all these years. I have found that is how true love works. Love never dies. You can push it away, but it never dies. My grandmother used to say that love can turn to hate, but certainly you never did anything to make me feel that way. I know you were confused and it seemed you were somehow desperate to be married. Was it because you were suffering from death of your father who passed away three years before we met? I’ve often wondered about that and it seems like a likely answer. My heart was so tender because of your love for me and you were my everything.

As I believe in reincarnation and soul mates I know you and I were meant to be together, but what I wonder is if I’ll ever be blessed to look into your eyes again in this lifetime. Remember when we’d sit in the kitchen of your home and just look into each others eyes and feel so much love?

When I think of how you have suffered all these years with that guy you left me for I feel very sad because you or nobody deserves to be abused and kept like somebodies prisoner. The things that you had told your co-worker Donna in confidence I think she felt a need to tell someone, the only person she knew to tell that might be able to help you get away from that abusive man. Don’t be upset with her for all the many things she told me because I knew she only told me because she was concerned for your safety.

The times we talked on the phone in 2008 gave me hope that you do still love me. I guess I spoke too soon about the idea of helping you get away from Patrick and you became fearful and bolted. I wish somehow you would contact me again so we could have some conversations. There are so many conversations we never got to have.

Over the years I developed my favorite picture in my mind of you. Would you be curious to know how I settled on a certain image of you of when you looked the prettiest to me? I hope you don’t have unpleasant memories associated with the time you worked for Grover and Geneva, but when you dressed for work you’d have your hair all pinned up on your head. With your hair up it really showed how beautiful you are and the crisp white uniform dress you wore added to you beauty. You may wonder why I’d think anybody looked good in such a uniform, but it was all white, and you looked so pretty with your hair up. I think I probably relate it to day I was hoping to see you in an all white dress becoming my wife.

One thing I thought of today about another connection to the Outlander series. Of course, for me, the main characters Jamie and Claire represent you and I. In the series Claire time travels by accident and leaves behind a husband in 1968. Obviously, he is not the true love of her life that she was meant to be with. When she time traveled back in time she found the true love of her life she was meant to be with. She was married to one man in the future and married to another man in the past. What a strange similarity to you and I. I know you probably feel I’m stilly for thinking of such similarities, but to me somehow they are glaring similarities. Your red hair and my brown hair with auburn undertones, just the same as Jamie and Claire’s hair colors.

I hope you are still out there in the world and still safe from COVID. I haven’t taken the vaccine. I’m afraid of it since it has that mRNA DNA stuff in it. With no testing only G_d knows what that vaccine might do to people years down the road. Being retired I don’t have to worry about being out in the work force and I am a homebody enjoying my gardening and home so I my usual lifestyle hasn’t changed much with quarantines and such and therefore I don’t feel pressured to take that frankenshot. I’d rather take a wait and see attitude about it. I’ve already had some bad experiences with medicines that were supposed to be safe, but weren’t.

That’s all my thoughts for the moment. I hope you are well. Write me.

14 May 2021

Just so you are reassured, it is never my intent to write anything here to upset you. People have often called me a straight talker. I am not good at softening the truth because that feels like lying. I have always been truthful to you and always will be. The conversations I had with Linda years ago, and your mother, that co-worker from the jewelry story, and last year with Joan that you have suffered greatly during your marriage with Patrick. Because I haven’t talked with you since 2008 there are still many things I do not understand. I often wonder if you only stay with Patrick because you fear for your life if you were to try to leave him, or if it could be you feel you respect the marriage because of a faith in G_d.

6 May 2021

Hey, Phyllis, I was learning about Biblical marriage the other day. This revelation has been coming in pieces for a time and part of the revelation came from the Outlander tv series that I watch. There is a bit of information gathered here so before explaining it all chronologically let me get to the punch line right away. I know you probably are not aware of the Biblical definition of marriage, but basically when a couple becomes physically intimate as a couple they are considered engaged. I commemorated our engagement privately with that engagement bracelet I gave you before giving you a ring publically modern style. So, we were secretly engaged between ourselves, but most importantly we were engaged in G_d’s eyes. Biblically, when a couple becomes engaged they are considered married. Because Biblical marriage begins with engagement this means that the couple is allowed to have sexual relations.

The path leading up to this knowledge started with that Outlander series I watch. Until I found out my Scottish ancestry though my great-great maternal grandmother Morrison I had an unexplainable attraction to the Outlander series. Rabbi Yair Davidy is an expert in tracing the lost tribes and he confirms the Scots are Jewish and also the Irish. G_d has prepared and lead me to discovering I’m Jewish in a mysterious way.

All this confirms how I felt about our engagement carrying the weight of marriage before I even knew these facts about Biblical marriage.

What does this all mean? In G_d’s eyes you and I are husband and wife, and your marriage to Patrick Hickey is adulterous. That’s not my view. It’s Biblical from G_d. Yeshua would say to you, “Go, and sin no more.” Do you know the passages about Yeshua dealing with the woman who was caught in the very act of adultery? He did not condemn her, but told her to not do it anymore. I might be just talking to the wind as I don’t even know if you believe in G_d or not. I hold in my heart the girl I used to know and love. I hope she still exists.

13 April 2021

I’ve been trying to make this website more compact for my readers. That means I’ve deleted quite a few pages that I feel were distracting from my central message. In that effort, Phyllis, I thought I’d remove the two pages I’d written about us and create only one page where I’d write my thoughts to you like a journal. Whenever thoughts of you come into my mind I can release them to you here whether you will ever read them or not. I hope it’s a way to let go of thoughts and memories, or at least work through them better. I hope you don’t mind that I make this journal to you.

I know you remember when my family first moved away from Kentucky and I’d write you letters everyday. There came a time when you stopped me from writing you those physical letters, but since that time I’ve written you many thousands of letters in my heart. Today is another one of those days when thoughts of you have invaded my mind unprovoked.

My birthday (today) comes and goes each year nearly unnoticed now. In the last few years the day has slipped up on me and if I’m not careful it can pass unless I’m keeping track of the calendar. Living the retired lifestyle with everyday being my own leaves little use for a calendar anymore. In grade school we had to write the date on papers many times each day and the date was always present in my head, but after high school ended so did the repetitive writing of the date and that instant knowing of the date began to fade from consciousness. What is time anyway?

My grandmother never missed my birthday when she was living. She always made me a homemade birthday cake. As I stood at the kitchen sink this morning washing some dishes I gazed out my window at the snow capped mountains. For just a moment my attention was averted from the present, the view faded and was replaced by a memory in my mind of the view out of the kitchen window on the farm. You never got to see that home that was going to be yours one day, but the dining room was just off the kitchen separated by a door. My little daydream continued to a birthday luncheon in the dining room with my loved ones gathered around. This is where you one again invaded my thoughts unprovoked.

I was seated at the head of the table with grandma to my left and you were seated across from her to my right, the two most important and most loved women in my life. Our kids were at the other three chairs. Why does the mind so quickly imagine such things? Maybe it’s really happening in an alternate universe? I glimpse into the wonderful life that I imagined for us? Part of me wishes my imagination wouldn’t create such faux memories, but another part of me is soothed by such an invasion. It’s like that Jimmy Stewart movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, except in reverse.

As our story has had a presence in my websites over the years I’ve had people write to me about how touching it is to them to read my story about still loving the only girl I ever loved after all these years even though things didn’t turn out the way I’d planned. I imagine there are also the haters out there who would write to me to tell me I’m like an obsessed stalker and to just move on with my life. Certainly I have moved on enjoying a full life on the road less traveled, and G_d knows how sometimes I’ve wished I could just forget or have your memories wiped away by a hypnotist or some other wishful thinking method, but I have to live in the real world where memories don’t fade so easily. The brain is an amazing organ how it can store billions of memories and flash them before your eyes and have you reliving a moment in time even if you hadn’t had that particular memory revived in decades.

It would be an understatement to say I’ve had a life full of “road less traveled” experiences after you left me. Regardless of my feelings I KNOW that everything happens for a reason and G_d is running the show. All that has happened is for the good and if I never see you again then that will be how G_d has meant things to be this time around. G_d comes first in my life, and the love He has put in my heart does not allow me to become too upset about anything for too long. I’m only human and I have my disappointments and emotions, but I try to keep them all in check knowing that our loving heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and I must gain strength knowing that His plan is perfect and we can generally just sit back and enjoy the ride.

A thought just popped into my head. Wouldn’t it be nice if G_d were to be so generous to allow us to meet again one day and that it could be like a repeat of that first day I came to your home on Crestmoor on my 10-speed bicycle? We could sit in the porch swing and catch up on old times just as we did nearly 40 years ago. Remember the words of that song, “wouldn’t it be nice if we were older and we wouldn’t have to wait so long”? I didn’t think waiting till I turned 18 for us to marry was so long. Some times I make myself feel uncomfortable imagining that I’m still waiting for you knowing the only way I’ll ever see you again is if you are widowed. I don’t like to have such thoughts, but I guess the imagination can be very logical at times.

Do you mind if I share how different my life would be now if you’d never left me? I would have stayed on track and it would have been you and I and our kids working on the farm today. We would have lived with my grandmother at first, but I had the idea to build us a home with the front porch overlooking the lake.I imagine how things would have changed on the farm and how many things would have stayed the same. Do you think it’s silly for me to share these thoughts with you?

I need you to know I’m no ways bitter. Was I hurt, yes. Disappointed, yes. However, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. The most important part of that Biblical passage is that “love keeps no account of wrongs” and that’s how I think of you. I have unanswered questions, but I realize in all this is that G_d has had a purpose for everything that has happened to each of us since our separation and I cling to that assurance. Whatever will be will be. I’m just letting you know I’m still here and if I’m ever blessed to see you again there will be no place for anger or rehashing old disappointments. There will only be great humility and thanks to G_d for another chance know again the only girl who ever owned my heart.

I wonder if you ever think of me on this day the way I’ve thought of you on the 23rd of October every year for all these many years? You probably haven’t thought of me like that because I was replaced by someone else you were supposed to love. I know it didn’t work out well for you and Patrick has been awful abusive to you, but if it’s any consolation my life has been a living hell at times too without the perfect life unfolding that I had envisioned for us.

Funny, all the little daydreams that crept in over the years. I’m gonna close for now and I hope you don’t mind that I’ll write to you often here.

Michael Dellarocca: Harmless Crackpot or Very Dangerous Man in the Making?

UPDATE 31 May 2021: This guy seems to becoming psycho. His last two videos appear to portray a man going off the rails. In this rather scary video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3R-F_kAlnCM this guy is standing in near freezing rain and ranting about bringing about the end of the world and encouraging his followers whom he activates as part of 144,000 warriors to burn down this matrix, whatever that may mean. I hope the FBI is keeping an eye on him.

You can find Michael Dellarocca’s video’s on Youtube if you want to document the claims he makes for yourself. He claims to be the archangel Michael of Scripture. Sounds like another Jim Jones or David Koresh tragedy in the making. Anybody who claims to be the archangel Michael is a crackpot in my book and needs to be watched closely by the authorities before another tragedy happens. This is how death cults get their start. Dellarocca is a very immodest and narcissistic former competitive bodybuilder wand his live video chats are full of women throwing themselves at him as he tries too show as much skin as possible. Just like Satan, Dellarocca quotes Scripture and talks about just enough truth to lure people in. I think he is a very dangerous man leading a lot of people astray. …..just a warning

Exposing False Teachers

Matthew 24:5 “Many false teachers will claim to come in my name. They will claim of themselves, ‘I am the Christ’. They will lead many astray”.

For the record, because Christianity as a religion was prophesied by Yeshua as “the workers of iniquity”, that pretty much pegs all Christians as false teachers. Yeshua didn’t come to create a new religion, but came to strengthen the Commandments of the Torah and bring the Lost Sheep of Israel back to Torah. Had Yeshua come to abolish the Law and was walking around Israel with a pork chop hanging out of his mouth I can guarantee you that nobody would have every heard of him today. He would have never had a ministry or a gospel.

I had several individual articles on this website exposing false teachings of certain people, but in an effort to keep the size of my website smaller I removed the individual pages this one page resource on false teachers that have come to my attention.

Joyce Myer’s reputation as a false teacher is all over the internet. Former employees to government investigations into her fraudulent ministry are easy to find. I heard her once say she does not believe in re-incarnation yet Yeshua confirmed re-incarnation several times and if re-incarnation ain’t a thing then you can’t even have the religion of Christianity as Christianity is built on the foundational premise that their Jesus is G_d incarnated into human form. Go figure….

Amir Tsarfati teaches against follows of Yeshua keeping the Law. If you do not keep the Law of G_d then that is known as Lawlessness. Yeshua prophesied of the coming religion of Christianity and called them “the workers of iniquity (Lawlessness)”. The Babylonion Whore/Harlot system that still rules all of Christiandumb today has twisted Rabbi Shaul’s (aka to Christians as Paul) teaching on keeping the Law. Have you not heart that faith without Works (of the Law) is dead. Foolish Virgin Christians will find out when they get left behind and the Law-keeping remnant of Wise Virgins are taken as the Bride .

THIS ARTICLE IS CURRENTLY BEING PULLED TOGETEHR. PLEASE RETURN LATER….TO BE CONTINUED

Yeshua Instructed a Vegetarian and Milk Diet

Genesis 1:29 “And Elohim said, “See, I have given you every plant that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree whose fruit yields seed, to you it is for food.”

Plants were given to us for food and we were not to shed the blood of other created beings and eat them. Thou shall not kill.

Everyone knows that the writings attributed to the prophet Daniel tell us, “In the Last Days knowledge shall be increased”. While many lost or hidden writings like the Dead Sea Scrolls are full of information we need to know and it’s all quite interesting I want to focus in on the issue of the Commanded diet by Eloahi for the species He created. Among the Dead Seas Scrolls were found what has been named the Essene Gospel of Peace where Messiah Yeshua reinforces the Commandment about a vegetarian diet. If you have not read or listened to the Essene Gospel of Peace then you can listen here:

The Exact Date of the Rapture

4 June 2021 UPDATE: Rabbi Kaduri of Israel is interpreted that Yeshua the Messiah will return before the 23rd of June 2021 in this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8Y8H81zgxk&t=758s . This date will be the proof of whether Rabbi Kaduri’s prophecies are true or not.

One thing is for sure. For any human to ever gain knew knowledge they must first humble themselves, put down the ego and remind themselves that we are all ignorant to a certain extent.

Even in the times of the apostles and followers of Yeshua they were expecting our Savior to return, but even though they had been with Him during His earthly life they were no closer to knowing the actual time of His return than we are today.

There is a difference between being a wise and well educated student of history and being a Prophet. I do not claim to be any prophet, but I have had people suggest to me that I am. I just explain I have been studying the Bible since I was a young child and I have a lot of knowledge.

Many Christian’s believe in “the Rapture” as a singular event, but when you study throughout the Bible G_d did in fact “rapture” certain folks off the earth and they never died on earth. Notable persons are Enoch and Elijah. Even the ascension of Yeshua was a rapture. Anybody taken off this earth into the heavens is by definition a rapture.

Due to this misunderstanding by Christians they have concentrated all though on there being a singular event called The Rapture and this error along with many other errors in Christianity is going to cost some people their souls. Thankfully, that doesn’t has to be because I am here to set the record straight.

There are two camps in Christianity when it comes to The Rapture. There are the pre-trib and the post-trib camps and both are drowning in error because neither camp understands G_d word correctly due to all the false teachings they have inherited over the centuries.

If there is to be one “rapture” we would capitalize “Rapture”, but because there is not going to be one singular event known as “The Rapture” I am now going to only use lower case letters for the word, “rapture”.

There will be two raptures of believers. There will be the “thief in the night rapture of the Wise Virgin Bride and there will be the “2nd Coming” rapture of the former Foolish Virgins who got “left behind” during the rapture of the Bride.

The problem created by the compilers of the New Testament and it’s reader is that when they read the 24th chapter of Matthew they think it’s all one explanation of one singular event they call “The Rapture”. This is not so. The writings attributed to the apostle Matthew, like many other books were put together in the 4th century by a group known as the Nicaean Council. After collecting all known gospel accounts they began a long process of trying to compare writing styles to attribute certain gospel accounts with certain authors. Once that was done they had to try to bring some kind of chronological order to this account and that account. Certainly, it was easy to place the bookends of the birth and death of Yeshua, but everything inbetween those years was a bit trickier. Anyway, all that to say this–you truly have to be much more than an average student of the Bible to be able to figure out that Yeshua spoke of not one, but two raptures of believers. You also have to be able to read the New Testament with a Jewish mindset, not a Roman mindset.

The rapture of the Wise Virgin Bride (true church) has it’s mention in the parable of the 10 Virgins and the lamps. In this parable Yeshua is being very specific that there will be two different types of believers when He comes for His Bride and He defines one camp as the Wise Virgins and the other camp the Foolish Virgins. We know it is only the Wise Virgins that are taken as His Bride because their lamps have oil, and the Foolish Virgins are rejected and left behind because their lamps have no oil. We know G_d’s Word is a lamp unto our feet, likening the light of lamp to G_d’s Word, His instruction (Laws) for us. His Bride is chosen because she was keeping G_d’s Word, His Law. The Foolish Virgins had no oil so that means they were not Law-keepers, but they were in fact the “Workers of Iniquity” that G_d (Yeshua) said, “Go away from me. I never knew you.” As well, in the parable of the 10 Virgins and the lamps, the Foolish Virgins found their way to where the wedding was taking place and knocked at the door and when Yeshua opened the door seeing them with no oil He said to them, “I do not know you” and like Noah and the Ark the door was closed and locked and these foolish Lawless Christian Foolish Virgins are locked out in the outer darkness, rejected as His Bride and are left behind to suffer the horrors of the 7-year Tribulation.

During the 7-year Tribulation there will be Messianic Jewish Evangelists like myself from the different Tribes of Israel that will be teaching those Foolish Virgins that have been left behind how to keep the Law and how to be baptized correctly for the forgiveness of their sins in the ONLY NAME given under heaven to mankind by which WE MUST be saved, the name Yeshua. I do not participate in the Sacred Name Debate that misguided sellers of the Gospel like Lew White put forth because the sacred name arguments cease with the proof of the name Yeshua’s family carved into His ossuary on his family tomb found in Talpiot, a neighborhood of Jerusalem in 1980, that name being Yeshua, not Yahshua, Yahusha, not Yehoshua, not Yahushua, and certainly not Jesus. If you believe there is power in “the only name given by which we must be saved” through the forgiveness of sins in baptism then I and you must admit that the name He was known by while on earth is the name of heavenly power that must be used to be confident you have followed G_d’s instruction for salvation. Being baptized in variations of that name I think our G_d’s is big enough to account it to you for righteousness. Just as long as you don’t use the Satanic name of Jesus that is neither a translation or transliteration of the Aramaic Hebrew name of Yeshua.

Yeshua said, when giving His parable of the fig tree, “This generation will not pass away until all these things are fulfilled”. While a generation is defined as 70-80 years who knows when the last of those born in 1948 pass away, so G_d has given Himself some wiggle room for the year he will choose that “hour and day” that He sends Yeshua to come collect His Law-keeping Wise Virgin Bride.

What we are waiting on is to be raptured before the horrors of the 7-year Tribulation begin. “Pray that you be accounted worthy to escape these things” from Luke 21:36 can relate to the Bride escaping via rapture, but it can also mean that there will be those during the 7-year Tribulation that will get saved with the help of the 144,000 Jewish evangelists thereby making them worthy to escape the horrors till the 2nd Coming at the end of the Tribulation happens.

The only timing of the rapture of the Bride for the wedding is thought that His coming like a “thief in the night” will be to fulfill another one of the feasts, this time the Feast of Trumpets and perhaps at the “last trump” He will collect His Bride.

We are not waiting for all those people born in 1948 to have passed away, so the season is now right for that “hour and day” that only the Father knows. Could it be this fall at the Feast of Trumpets? Could be. Things are getting ugly fast with COVID and a cashless society shaping up. The New World Order is quickly falling into place with Socialism/Communism taking a grip on America through the Democrats who fraudulently have seized power and exiled President Trump from the White House. The pot is simmering and I’m still believing that the election fraud will be exposed and those responsible will be jailed and Trump will be returned to the White House. We can only hope. I speak positively about Trump because he has done a lot of good with holding back many evils on this planet while some would disagree. When this country was being overrun by radical faux Islamists who are terrorists he put a stop to it and his good works brought down their violent Caliphate they were trying to build by taking out many of the ring leaders of the terrorists.

Just be ready. If someone comes up with a peace plan for Israel and the Palestinians and it gets signed I say the rapture of the Bride will have already taken place or be immanent.

I really don’t think G_d is gonna drag this thing out another 20 years till the last few people born in 1948 are living out the last few days of their lives. Do you? We are at the point of a prophet showdown with G_d.

I just hope the over 90 FEMA camps set up around the USA will not become the “re-education camps the Democrats have said they want to rehabilitate Trump supporters. Due to the time crunch we are under, obviously, the anti-christ is alive and well at this time and his endtime plans are coming together rapidly.

Yeshua told us to remain occupied till he comes…

How Satan is preparing Christians to cling to the false Roman-created name of Jesus

I just finished watching the 1999 movie called Revelation. I never saw the film when it came out because in my firm faith I didn’t feel an desire or need to see an evangelistic type film. I am VERY glad I have finally viewed the film and I’m gonna tell you why.

First of all, most of the film is non-Scriptural and seems to have been made for entertainment value, but for the “Strong Delusion” Christian I’m sure they will find the movie very evangelistic. The whole film had me thinking of how Satan tempted Eve to sin in the garden by twisting G_d’s Words, the same as he did with Messiah Yeshua in the desert.

At the end of the film the false Messiah/Satan character is seen ranting and raving from a balcony to a crowd of those who have taken the 666 Mark of the Beast reassuring them that while they have just experienced a setback that they would eventually come out victorious over the “haters”. In the film those who believe in G_d are branded as haters by Satan. In the very last words of the film spoken by Satan he called out the Christians (aka haters) as “the followers of the deceiver, Jesus”. When I heard those last words of the film they hit me like a ton of bricks. Like all the last lines of every great film they stick in your memory. It’s a psychological brainwashing technique. Movies and television–they don’t call it programming for nothing. Immediately I understood how Satan is using films like this to get Christians to cling to the Roman-created name of Jesus that has no power in it. In Matthew 7:22 the real Messiah Yeshua prophesied of the false Roman Christian Whore/Harlot system with the false name above all names that would be created when He said,  “Many [messianic darshanim (professional or qualified expounders of Scripture)] will say to me [Moshiach] on that Day [the Yom HaDin, the Day of Judgment], Adoneinu, Adoneinu (Lord, Lord), did we not speak as neviim (prophesiers) in your Name? Did we not cast out shedim (evil spirits, demons) in your Name? Did we not accomplish many niflaot (miracles) in your Name?  And then I will tell them to their face, I never had da’as (knowledge) of you. Depart from me, you workers of mufkarut (lawlessness) [TEHILLIM 6:9(8); Mt 13:41]. ~ As a side note, the church “father” known as Ephiphanius stated in his best known book, Panarion, They have the Goodnews according to Matthew in its entirety in Hebrew. For it is clear that they still preserve this, in the Hebrew alphabet, as it was originally written.” (Epiphanius; Panarion 29) Many ignorant Christians try to say the New Testament was originally written in Greek. If it were then how would they have ever gotten the good news to the Jews who shunned the Greek language of the Roman invaders. You see, this all relates back to the real name of the Messiah in the Aramaic Hebrew as “Yeshua”. The Greco-Roman created false name of Jesus wasn’t used in the Savior’s lifetime, nor until the 1400’s, but the Greek precursor to the Jesus falsehood began with the Greek “Isus/Iesous” were the name Jesus eventually developed from. Your salvation depends upon being baptized in the Savior’s real Aramaic Hebrew name of Yeshua. Acts 4:12 doesn’t say you have multiple choices of names by which you MUST be saved/forgiven of your sins in baptism in His name (not a fake name) Acts 2:38.

Do Christians ever contemplate why if they have cast out spirits in Jesus name or have prophesied in Jesus name why would the be called “workers of Iniquity/Lawlessness” and told to depart from Him as He NEVER even knew them???

“Worker of Iniquity (Lawlessness)” is the key. Iniquity and the falsely created name of Jesus go hand in hand to explain why Yeshua say’s “I never knew you”. Similarly, in the parable of the 10 Virgins and the Lamps, Yeshua illustrated the difference between the Wise Virgins Bride and the Foolish Virgins that would NOT be the Bride due to them being foolish and falling for the lie of the Babylonian Whore/Harlot Roman Christian system that Yeshua pleaded with, “Come out of her my people!”

In the Virgins/Lamps parable the Wise Virgins were Law-keeping followers of Yeshua signified by the lamps with oil in them, the oil representing Law-keeping. The empty lamp Foolish Virgins believed their false teachers (wolves in sheep’s clothing) who told them you don’t have to follow the Law anymore because it was all nailed to the cross and now we are under grace and can eat pork and bottom feeder sea foods and we don’t have to keep the 7th Day Commanded Sabbath anymore, nor any of the Commanded feasts, nor circumcision. Can you image how quickly Yeshua would have lost every apostle and disciple if He would have proclaimed everybody can now eat swine and every other unclean creature? He would have never even been cruxified. He would have simply been the laughed off by EVERYONE and history probably would have never even recorded a thing about Him. Christians are so blind to this one simple fact. When a Christian’s eyes get opened to the truth they wonder how in the hell they could have been blinded for their whole lives. Well, “how in the hell” is the answer.

Billions of Christians around the world will have no excuses on the Day of Judgement. They chose the false named anti-Messiah Jesus over the real Messiah Yeshua. They chose to invoke a false name instead of His real name. They chose wallowing in the luxury of sins instead of keeping the Law.

All I can do is tell them the truth and ask Christians why they would reject the real Hebrew name of the Messiah in favor of a fake name?

All I can do is ask Christians, “Why wouldn’t you want to keep G_d’s Commanded Scriptural 7th day Sabbath? Why forsake G_d’s appointed Sabbath and instead embrace the Roman’s 1st day of the week, Mithra’s sun god Sunday Sabbath?

My Grandma had this saying, “Those don’t listen gotta feel”. Christian’s don’t want to listen to me and so they are gonna feel what it’s like to know they were deceived and got left behind when the Wise Virgins disappear from the earth. I’m sure the Democrats will explain the disappearance of people as some of those who were put in the FEMA camps and died of COVID and had to be buried in mass graves. Those FEMA camps with all those plastic caskets are going to be used for something planned in the future, if not for COVID then for somehing else to do with the end times. The anti-Christ, anti-G_d, anti-Yeshua movement has officially begun.

You may ask how I can say the things I do? If you are a Christian, are you blind the fact that G_d’s prophecy hour glass is about to run out? We have entered a time period known as a prophecy showdown with G_d. We are just about to start running on fumes.

All Christians agree that Yeshua’s parable of the fig tree putting forth it’s new seasons budding of branches means summer is near. Christians all agree this parable is about Israel being the fig tree becoming a nation again in 1948. Christians are all aware that this prophecy was given a time limit by Yeshua that the generation seeing Israel becoming a nation again in 1948 would not pass away till all things are fulfilled. Christians know that the length of a generation is given a 10-year window in the Pslams and a generation is defined as 70-80 years. Christians know that 2021 – 1948 = 73 and they know that 80 – 73 = 7. Seven years are left on G_ds prophetic hourglass. COVID seemed to target older adults and killed off a lot of those over the age of 65, so one may wonder just how many more of the generation born of 1948 are going to leave us before this pestilence is over? Yes, I’m sure there are going to be quite a few born in 1948 who might live to be 100 and that could stretch things out a bit more, but one thing for sure is that we know the last 7 years begins with the signing of the Israeli/Palestinian covenant. Trump has one written up and so does French president Macron. Keep an eye on these two.

There are groups of believers that think Rabbi Shaul (aka Paul) was a fake apostle or his writings were compromised by the Romans, but these folks do not understand the bottom line is that no one has any authority to cancel any of G_d’s Covenants or Commandments. All of G_d’s Covenants remain active and they stack one on top of each other fitting together perfectly. For an excellent teaching on the Book of Romans and the need for the Law to still be kept by believers listen to Jim Staley’s teaching videos: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DP3bmbBzXpI&t=2s

Yeshua’s brother Yaacov (aka James) and Kefa (aka Peter) were having trouble with Shaul because even they were not as learned and clever as Rabbi Shaul in the Law. The confusion around understanding Rabbi Shaul (Paul’s) writings for those who do not have a Jewish understanding is going to cause Christians to be left behind without a drop of Salvation because they have swallowed and invoked a fake Jesus name and they have no forgiveness without being baptized in His real name. Remember, Yeshua said, “I never knew you”. If you don’t respect His real name of Yeshua and you fall for the Serpent’s confusing lie about the Law being abolished do you no longer must keep it then this is why you as a confused Christian will not be the Bride of Yeshua.

Romans 1:25 “You exchanged the truth of G_d for the lie and worshipped the creature (Satan) instead of the Creator (Yeshua).”

If you don’t love G_d you won’t keep His Commandments. Yeshua said, “If you love me you will keep my Commandments”. Confused Christians will try to say His words are not talking about G_d’s Commandments even though Yeshua was G_d incarnate, but in their “Strongly Deluded” state they try to explain that they only have to keep the specific commandments that their Jesus, gave like, “Love one another as I have loved you. If you have love for one another they will know you are my disciples”. Excuse my frustrated French, but it’s time to call BULLSHIT! Either Christian’s really belief that the one they call Jesus is G-d Himself incarnated into a human body or they don’t! Christians are under a Satan delusion that the G_d of the Old Testament was mean and wanted to punish us with Law’s that the G_d of the New Testament abolished. When Yeshua said, “If you love me you will keep my Commandments” He was speaking as G_d who gave all the Commandments in the Bible, and all the Covenants that stack perfectly one on top of the other, not just a couple new Commandments He gave during the time He walked the earth as Yeshua the Messiah. Christians cannot see how their lack of understanding puts them in the same situation as Eve in the garden being seduced by the Serpent to disobey G_ds Commandments. As Eve was confused and blinded by the slipper words of the Serpent so too are confused and blinded by their blind guides.

All I can do is tell you the truth that G_d has revealed to me and pray for you Christians to wake up and “Come out of her” before it’s too late and you are left behind to suffer the horrors of the 7-years Tribulation and perhaps die without ever coming to the TRUTH and then you will be sent to the Lake of Fire. You think things are bad now with COVID-19 bioweapon of China who have begun WW III and the last 7 years have not even officially started yet? These are but those birth pangs and just you waiting and see! When the specific Peace Covenant is signed between Israel and Palestine (not to be confused with the Abraham Accords) this will begin the last 7 years of Tribulation, the latter 3.5 years of the Tribulation known as “a time of Great Tribulation” as Yeshua prophesied.

You might want to cut and paste this next paragraph and print it out and put it in your Bible because I’m sure the anti-Christ will have this website removed from the Internet at some point. In fact print the whole page like a tract to give to others even. Don’t you see how the Leftist Democrats are restricting the free speech of Believers. At some point ( re: Mark of the Beast) Believers will not be able to “buy or sell” Internet access and you will not have these teachings unless you print them out now.

If you are a Christian who has been left behind and are suffering the 7-year Tribulation then you need to repent of not keeping the Law, repent of all your sins against G-d and others, and be baptized in the name of Yeshua for the forgiveness of those sins, and then you will receive the seal of the real Holy Ghost, not some other spirit Yeshua said you received. Keep the Law, food Laws, Feasts Laws, 7-th Day Sabbath Law, circumcision, etc. The only Laws that were nailed to the cross were the Laws concerning the death penalty for for adultery, homosexual sex, etc., (the seven deadly sins – look them up). Yeshua took the death penalty for us that allowed us to live under His grace. Grace like was given to the woman caught in adultery and released by Yeshua didn’t mean she could continue to disobey the Law as Yeshua said, “Go and sin no more”. If you do these things then you as Christians will finally have salvation and then if you are to be beheaded for your faith in Yeshua Messiah as G_d incarnate then you know without a doubt you will be saved as you will know you’ve covered all the bases, keeping the Law of Yeshua Messiah, G_d incarnate. Those who are alive and remain then when the 2nd Coming happens at the end of the Tribulation period you will be given that 2nd chance by the G_d of second chances and will be “changed in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye” and you will rise to meet Yeshua when he comes in air with His Wise Virgin Bride and the armies of heaven. You will go to the battle of Armageddon and when done there everyone, including those who made it through the Tribulation will attend the wedding reception known as the wedding supper of the Lamb. Christians may have missed out on the rapture of the Bride and the wedding, but by getting saved during the Tribulation they will leave their stained Foolish Virgin garments behind in exchange for a white robe just for those who came out of the Tribulation.

If you don’t understand any of this feel free to email me while there is still time.