Facebook Wants You To Die

I posted the following link to a Project Veritas video of a Federal Employee nurse blowing the whistle on a co-worker nurse who died from getting the BioWeapon Vaccine and Facebook wants to accuse ME of spreading false information that could cause physical harm????

Facebook, I know of many people personally who took the vaccine and died because of vaccine without ever catching COVID! Facebook is evil, but is it a necessary evil? In my opinion Facebook should be declared a domestic terror organization because they are promoting a vaccine that has been proven to kill thousands of people.

So, here’s the video link that Facebook will not allow you to see:


About Ami Ron Ben Avraham, aka Timothy Layne Buckles, and Tim Layne

1:45pm erev Shabbos: Please forgive any typos in the early release of this article. I’ll come back later after Shabbos and proof read what I’ve written and do an update. I just wanted to get this out today because Hashem has greatly put it on my heart to do so.

Only yesterday I stumbled across the LASHON HARA article written in the Jerusalem Post by Jeremy Sharon on May 27th of 2021. Below is a link to the article .https://www.jpost.com/judaism/new-allegations-about-another-covert-messianic-christian-missionary-669299?fbclid=IwAR0PbECjAxrxPs_ntZwVzbM4NriRW6Z1R9n_60Ig12DRHRz4Ir2CPkXiMWc

Here it is hours away from Shabbos and since yesterday this began to press on my heart so much that I knew it must be from Hashem to write this article in support of Ami Ron Ben Avraham. Why is it that such pressing matters always want to rise up before Shabbos? Nevertheless, I’ll get a start on this article this morning and publish what I have, and as with all articles I write, then come back later and do updates.

Let me state for the record (doesn’t that sound like legal language?) that I do not know Ami Ron Ben Avraham or anything more about him than what is contained in this article. I had never heard of any of the organizations he is reported to be affiliated with, so this article is not so personal to me in that way, but it is very personal to me as a person of faith.

Stating something for the record does sound like legal language, and it was intentional because I feel like Ami Ron Ben Avraham has been wronged. I say that based on the scant knowledge I have at this moment. It’s now four months since the Jerusalem post article I cited came out and the situation may have been resolved? I doubt it. My thoughts are that the accusations thrown at Ami Ron Ben Avraham and his family are terrible and I’ll tell you why.

2000 years ago Jews who came to faith that Yeshua was the Messiah remained in their houses of worship. According to the book of Acts in the Christian New Testament even the Gentiles who came to faith that Yeshua was the promised Messiah of Judaism were going to the Jewish synagogue to learn hear the Torah every Shabbat. I believe the book of Acts is very clear that non-Jews were officially converting to Judaism as Paul gave them their minimum requirements to be able to keep themselves “clean” and attend services. No new religion was formed. There was only Judaism. The Christian religion that later formed was a creation of the Romans as a way to replace Israel. Many people of faith that are involved in Christianity are now understanding that and they know what “Come out of her my people” means. It means you need to come out of the pagan Christian system and return to Judaism, join the community, convert, and leave the errors of Christianity behind.

I was just browsing the comments section of the J-post article and it looks like others have written similar to what I am writing here. I don’t know if I can say much more than has already been said, but I just wanted there to be another voice denouncing the behavior of the Jerusalem Post with their slander, lashon hara, and obviously what looks like foaming at the mouth baseless hatred.

As a Jew myself I find it disgusting to see the authenticity of a convert questioned. I come from a family background where both sides of my family were Jewish, but for reasons I was unable to research I was never able to find out when they began living as Christians. Was it because of persecution as Jews? Regardless of the reasons I was unable to find any evidence outside of the Jewish family names on both sides. They may have become believers in Yeshua as their Messiah (or also known as Christians to some), but I have to wonder if they were hiding their Judaism. Had they been members of the church, yet kept the Shabbos, and lit Shabbos candles every Friday night? Anyway, all that to say this. I know in my heart my family is of Jewish ancestry on both sides even if I’ve been unable to prove it.

I don’t want this article to become about me, but what Ami Ron Ben Avraham and his family are going through I can fully understand. I don’t know their story, but I know that there is a great awakening going on right now. It exploded a little over 20 years ago. That’s about the time I began attending an Orthodox shul that had Chabad leadership. I finally felt like I was home being around Jews. People would often tell me I felt this way because I had a Jewish soul as many converts do. Back around 2004 when I was attending an Orthodox synagogue I had no clue about my Jewish background as I hadn’t searched it all out on Ancestry.com yet. All I knew was that I was deeply drawn to people I thought of as family. I was drawn to the faith that was practiced by the one I understood to be Messiah ben Yosef.

When one leaves Christianity where do they go? When you understood that Yeshua strengthened the Commandments and you must become shomer Torah, and shomer Shabbos you are not going to find that with any organization that calls itself Messianic. For the most part these organizations are simply Christian churches in Jewish drag. There is no place to go to join the Jewish people in Christianity because none of those organizations have a true Torah-based leadership even if their leadership is an actual Jew who came to faith in Yeshua. The only way those organizations survive is to allow the Christians in with all their errors and desire to control things. To me, anything labeled “Messianic” is a mess.

When one comes to the understanding that Yeshua came and strengthened the Commandments you know in your heart there is only one true place to turn to and that is Orthodox Judaism. At this point I’m only assuming this is how Ami Ron Ben Avraham and his family felt. As believers in Yeshua they knew they had to convert to Judaism and keep the Torah. Yeshua said, “If you love me keep my Commandments”.

What is the trouble with Judaism? After World War II those Christians in Russia who were called “Shabbatnics” were granted aliyah to Israel because they kept the Torah and the Sabbath and to the Nazi’s were basically indistinguishable from the Jews, and as such suffered the same fate as the Jews in the concentration camps. I believe, based on this precedent, that any believer in Yeshua who is shomer Torah, and shomer Shabbos should be allowed to may aliyah.

So, what is the problem here? The problem is the Jewish Taliban. You thought ISIS and Taliban groups were just for Islam? Well, wake up! Who do you think sent Yeshua to the cross? The Jerusalem Post by posting such a horrid article has put Ami Ron Ben Avrahm and his family in great danger! I know from having lived in Jerusalem that there are Jews there that will slit your throat quicker than any Muslim would. They have perfect cover for their crime because obviously anyone who finds the bodies will know it was a Muslim hate crime against the Jews.

From what I’ve read there is no evidence that the Avraham family were trying to convert anybody. They were only trying to belong where they felt they belonged along with their faith in Yeshua. Judaism needs to get over it already! Yes, in many respects Christianity is a strange Roman religion that has murdered many Jews, but these people left that error and went to all the trouble to convert to Judaism because they knew they had to so that they could be right with G_d. I believe this is a great work of G_d in these last days that He is waking up the lost tribes of Israel and bringing them home.

If Judaism can know that G_d took on human form to meet with Abraham before destroying Sodom and Gomorrah then you better know that G_d can take on human form to become the Messiah. If G_d can take on human form and wrestle with Jacob all night until the dawn then you better know G_d can take on human form to become the Messiah. You want to make claims of idolatry? Who ironic is it that the Torah records the Jews were constantly whoring themselves out to ever false god and idol in the land and YHVH eventually divorced them and tore down there Temple for a second time and drove them out of the land of Israel. When the Torah itself gives record that G_d took on human flesh, yet the Jews time after time bowed down the idols of wood and stone, and their hearts became so hardened they can’t even see that Messiah is simply another theophany of Hashem himself. No mere human can fulfill the job of Messiah, unless that human be given all the powers of Hashem himself. Yes, the Roman’s lead people down the wrong road with their demonic hostile takeover of the Messianic faith, but Judaism must have responsibility to teach these people the error of their ways, but…. unfortunately….. The Jews must first remove the tree stuck in their own eye before removing the splinter from the lost sheep of Israel’s eye.

I’m gonna close this article with a huge crescendo. Judaism has known the difference between the Jewish Yeshua and the Greek/Roman Jesus all along. The Torah documents how Jews over and over again didn’t keep the Torah and instead joined the Torahless goyim. The Christian church is the Torahless goyim you are fighting, not the Jewish Yeshua who only came to strengthen the Torah and make Jews even more Orthodox than ever. The truth be said is that Jews know Yeshua is the Messiah, but once they understand that fact they have to zip their lip and keep it a secret like they have been doing for 2000 years because Greco-Roman Churchianity with their anti-Messiah Jesus is a demonic organization that only wants to kill and replace the Jews. Remember, it wasn’t the Jews hands that nailed Yeshua to the cross, it was Roman hands and those same hands today are the Christians that want to nail every Jew to a cross.

If you are a Christian reader and you do not believe what I have said and are outraged and wanna call me a Judaizer then perhaps you should ask yourself why Yeshua pleaded, “Come out of her my people!” I’m not pointing the finger at every Christian and saying they are demonic, but I am saying you are deceived by a demonic system that goes against the teachings of Messiah Yeshua. I’m not afraid to call out evil. When I see evil Christian celebrities like Joni and Marcus Lamb of the Daystar Christian tv network and how they mock Jews who come on their network it makes me wanna puke. Marcus Lamb’s famous mocking phrase in his exaggerated hillbilly hick accent is “A real, live Jewish Rabbi.” He’s used that more than once when introducing Messianic Jews Rabbi’s on their broadcasts. They have flat out refused to allow me be interviewed on their network because they know I’m gonna call them out for the workers of iniquity that they are from the Satanic Whore of Babylon system.

Ami Ron Ben Avrahm, if you find my article I’d love for you to contact me in confidence. Know that what has happened to you is G_d ordained because He is casting a light on this whole issue as he wants all his shomer Torah and shomer Shabbos people together whether or not they believe Yeshua is the promised Messiah. We need to work together hand in hand defending each other against our enemies, the Christians, the Muslims, and the atheist goyim. I know to those who don’t understand the issues will think what I have just said is horrible and harsh, but it is not. To those awake they understand the peril that Christians are in by denying the keeping of the Torah. Yeshua said he is going to say to them one day, “Go away from me ye who work iniquity. I never knew you.”

The Cure for Homosexuality and Transgenderism

Updated: 11 April 2023

In the last year the USA has suffered from 5 LGBT self-identified school shooters. In the latest school shooting in Nashville, Tennessee, a lesbian named Audrey Hale identified as female to male transgender. Let that sink in…

I know for many people all the labels the LGBT people wear can be confusing. You have a group called “Gays Against Groomers”. There is not such thing as a Gay that doesn’t groom children. The conversion begins with older homosexualized children molesting younger children. Many of them grow up to become paedophiles. Since Gay marriage became a thing in the USA in 2015 you now have Gay men adopting boys and sexually abusing them and grooming them for child sex trafficking among their Gay paedophile friends.

You’ve heard of the phrase, “Divide and conquer”? That’s exactly what is going on in the LGBT community. You see “LGB without the T” trending. It’s smoke and mirrors. Every single person who identifies as transgender is LGB. Let me be clear. LGB is what they are and they “identify” as transgender, paedophile, etc. Don’t be fooled by the LGB trying to distance themselves from the Transgenders. It’s war tactic where they are pretending to divide themselves from the transgender LGB people. I bet you thought “divide and conquer” was a tactic used to cause division among the opposition? It works both ways. Satan is a mastermind at divide and conquer.

I write as an experienced insider, not a judgemental outsider looking in that has no personal concept of the feelings to be discussed here. I grew up without a loving father, and with a mother who was not capable of love. I had half brother who were 10 years older that molested me. My development was derailed and I grew up embracing the LGBT lifestyle. Now, let me be clear. The truth is that while my childhood and many millions of children’s childhoods are messed up that is not the only thing that leaves a child vulnerable to the LGBT lifestyle. It’s also a spiritual issue. A spiritual deliverance is only part of the cure for the gender dysphoria the LGBTQ people suffer from. Spiritual deliverance can happen in the twinkling of an eye, but the affected personalities and the sexual addictions weren’t learned overnight and they don’t stop tormenting that person overnight. This a psychological battle as well as spiritual. Luke 11:24 says: “When an unclean spirit comes out of a man, it passes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ‘I will return to the house I left.’  On its return, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and brings seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and dwell there. And the final plight of that man is worse than the first.”…

People arrive at identifying as homosexual or transgender for various reasons. Some have been victims of abuse which causes psychosis. Some are psychologically disassociating due to trauma. Some feel there was some terrible cosmic mistake. For this article though I want to concentrate on the human spiritual nature that not a single human being is immune from.

You will know the truth and the truth will set you free. Messiah Yeshua was and is our teacher who opens our eyes to truth. What is the truth I want to open your eyes to? There is a demonic teaching in Christianity that is against reincarnation. If Yeshua the Messiah gave instruction on reincarnation then why doesn’t the church follow Yeshua’s teaching? Yeshua spoke of John the Baptist being the reincarnation of Elijah coming “in the power and spirit of Elijah”. When Yeshua’s disciples asked him about the man who was blind from birth, “Was it his parents sin or his own sin that caused him to be born blind?” Reincarnation is foundational to God’s plan for the redemption of the souls of His children.

We are soul beings. A soul being has no sex or gender. God assigns us a human body having free will to aid the soul’s learning and growing through his loving instruction. When we rebel against our Creator’s loving instructions, we become isolated, sad, angry, vengeful, and eventually violent. If it wasn’t for God’s instruction the lust of the flesh combined with a genderless/sexless soul is a recipe for disaster. This is what has happened to LGBT people. They have rejected God and they reject His procreation model and their lives revolve around sex addiction without boundaries. We have free will to reject God, but the consequences of when we do reject him is that we open ourselves to the demonic spirit world. Pastor Jonathan Cahn explains in this video the demonic spirit world that the LGBTQ people are suffering from in this video:

Our souls only have one true identity. We identify with the body God prepares for us. Each of a us receives a body that is tailor made for the reincarnation we contracted for. The flesh has built in challenges that not a single person escapes. People want to make a big deal about sexual attraction, but the soul laughs at the idea of sexual attraction since it has experiences many human lives as both sexes. Our challenge is whether we will identify with God’s plan for our lives or will we not. Homosexuality is not the only sexual sin. You are not a different species. Homosexual sin destroys the person. Adultery destroys the person. Fornication destroys the person. Beastiality destroys the person. Paedophilia destroys the person. You must IDENTIFY with God’s sex rules or you and destroying your chance for happiness in life. The LGBT people aren’t committing murder because they are happy.

God works in mysterious ways. Look at the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32), for example. A young man was sent off on his journey of life discovery with the blessing of his father. His journey and chosen lifestyle became a difficult learning experience that eventually taught him how he strayed from the righteous path, and ultimately it put him back on his path to his Father. LGBT have strayed from the path and their lives are a shambles. When an LGBT person embraced their true identity in God they finally can leave the lifestyle behind. Sex addiction is real so don’t fool yourself it will be easy. Someone is used to having over a hundred sex partners a year will find it hard to settle down and be faithful to one person in God’s will.

It took some years, but I finally figured out that most of the transgender/homosexual/paedophile community is suffering from psychosis’ that developed from experiences in this lifetime. Sometimes a reincarnation bleed over from the recent past life lived as the opposite sex. Past life bleed over I believe to be something that happens with advanced souls and if it is not understood the person can fall victim to gender dysphoria and seducing spirits.

Take a look at this current event article about a homosexual male paedophile couple who adopted boys and sexually abused them. Paedophilia is part of the homosexual disturbance. Do not be fooled. LGBTQ people fought for marriage equality to aid them in acquiring children for their depraved sexual desires. https://townhall.com/tipsheet/miacathell/2023/01/17/zulock-case-pt-1-n2618219

A short article written on this subject by Rabbi Tzvi Freeman is in response to someone asking why they had to go through so many years of destructive behaviors before seeing the error of their ways.

Scripture tells us that in heaven there will be no marrying or giving in marriage and that the former things have past away. This means the human things like physical attraction that leads to marriage and relationships will no longer be part of the born again glorified bodies we will have after the resurrection. Things we experience in this world is a test that takes along a journey of soul ascension aided by the second chances we find in reincarnation. Blessed is the soul that continues to be offered multiple reincarnations to get it right. One day there will be no more chances and only God knows when you’ve reached your personal limit of second chances. A soul must understand it’s true identity in God and not the false identity they imagine and chose to embrace in this earth school. The misunderstanding of a lustful ego has lead many a soul down a dark psychotic path that begins with gender confusion that leads to homosexuality/paedophilia/transgenderism.

Man has made a mess of procreation. Man has turned sex into an abusive monster instead of the gift of precreation it was meant to be. Sex for many is about physical pleasure, and destroying innocence, not love or procreation. Sex has become a way to destroy the heart and tender soul of another human being.

Obituary for Yosef Ben David

(Writing my own as I have no family left to write one for me when I’m gone)

Yosef was born in April 1964 in Louisville, Kentucky and passed away on ____. He is survived his wife, the former Miss _____ _____ _____. Yosef is proceeded in death by his mother the former Virginia Lee Hall in 1993 and his father David Ryan Kirchner in 2005. His maternal grandmother whom he was very close to, the former Mary Katherine Horstmann. passed in 2004. As his grandfather Odes Hall has passed in 1947 Yosef never knew him, but his grandmother had remarried and Yosef grew up knowing Herman Washburn the town dentist of La Grange, Kentucky as his grandfather who passed in 1974. Also proceeding Yosef in death of his immediately family is a half brother John Russel Gould, and a half sister Laura Rene Hall.

Unknown to him until he was 13-years-old the man named Charles Hall, who had been entered on his birth certificate as his father, was indeed, not his biological father, but his first stepfather his mother had married hastily after divorcing her husband of two years, David Kirchner. She never disclosed her pregnancy at the time of her divorce from David Kirchner.

Later in life after meeting his real father David, Yosef was renamed after his father’s father who had since passed away in 1974. Yosef’s paternal grandmother, the former Nora Margaret Kestler, passed away in 1981. Yosef never had to chance to meet those grandparents.

Yosef spent much of his formative years growing up on his grandparents 20-acre farm in La Grange, Kentucky where he helped raise beef cattle, and chickens. Yosef recalled, “There was never much time to be idle on the farm. There as always some fence line that needed repairing to keep the cattle from escaping and outside of the winter months there was always the huge vegetable garden.” Anytime the weather was nice was a time to go fishing in the pond or the lake on the farm. In July it was time to comb the countryside picking blackberries. Once the blackberry harvesting was done the garden would begin producing and canning and freezing of vegetables and fruit from the fruit tree’s would take place right on up till the first hard freezes of fall.

In 1977 at age 13 Yosef met the girl to whom he’d eventually become engaged to that was to become his wife, ____ _____ ____. ____ and Yosef’s plans hit a bump in the road though a couple years later when Yosef’s mother remarried and decided to move the family to Florida. Yosef had assured ____ he would return for her at age 18 when they could be married and sure enough in April of 1982 Yosef returned to Kentucky on the eve of his 18th birthday to live with his grandmother. Yosef was looking forward to being reunited with ____ and planning a wedding. At the church he and his grandmother attended Yosef met a lot more of his family relations. It was just a small country church, but Yosef knew it would be the perfect eventual place for his wedding to ____.

Within a month of Yosef’s return to Kentucky his heart was broken and all his hopes were dashed. ____ ran off and married another guy in the month of May. Yosef’s life would never be the same. The girl he’d loved with all his heart and soul was gone and all Yosef was left with was a lot of unanswered questions, and of course, a badly broken heart.

Yosef couldn’t bear to remain in Kentucky and so he returned to Florida hoping his friends would see him through this dark night of the soul. Yosef began experimenting with alcohol and marijuana during his last year of high school to escape the deep pain of a life that no longer seemed to have any direction without the girl he loved. His high school friends were all consumed with parties and drinking and then there was the Friday night Midnight movie called Rocky Horror Picture Show that was popular among teens who were exploring their sexuality. This weekly habit became a way for Yosef to enter an alternative lifestyle that insured no other woman would ever take the place of only girl he’d ever love. During this time Yosef was arrested for driving while under the influence of alcohol and drugs. There were a couple hospitalizations for suicide attempts. Yosef was lucky to have survived this dark time in his life and manage to graduate from high school.

Times does not heal all wounds, but as the years slowly past Yosef got the bleeding to stop, and worked to get his life back on track and make something out of himself. Inspired by his grandmother he went to nursing school which became helpful during the declining years preceding his grandmother’s passing. After her passing Yosef returned to school again to become a Psychologist.

In 2007 _____ contacted Yosef again. Yosef recounted, “She spoke rather timidly at first, but soon opened up about the lazy, no good, and abusive man she had married. She told of how he wouldn’t work a job so she worked to support them as a gemologist at various jewelry stores wherever they would move to next. She said he did mow peoples lawns for some extra cash, but that was about all he did. He’d never allow her to have her own automobile and he’d drive her to work and pick her up everyday. She was never allowed to leave her work premises, not even to take a lunch break with co-workers at a café just across the parking lot from her employment. The shades always had to be pulled in the home so nobody could look in the windows at her, and she could only have her hair cut by her own brother at the salon he owned, on Sunday’s when the salon was closed to the public and no lights were allowed to be turned on to attract attention to her. ____ had a co-worker named Donna who also revealed a lot of what ____ endured in her abusive marriage. What a horrible life _____ had gotten herself into with the creep she married. She obviously regretted her mistake, but she was stuck. I tried to see if she had the courage to leave him, but she was afraid he’d kill her if she ever tried. That’s when she became uncomfortable talking to me and like many years ago she abruptly abandoned me once again and I haven’t heard from her since 2008.”

To be continued….


12 April 2023

Forty-one years ago on this date I was 17 and boarded a plane in Tampa, Florida to return to my home State of Kentucky to live with my grandmother. The next day, April 13th was my 18th birthday so I was finally free as an adult to leave home. I remember that day at the airport so well. I saw my mother cry for the first time ever as I prepared to board the plane. Were they tears of regret because she’d failed as a mother?

Three years earlier my mother and her new husband decided to relocate us all to Tampa, Florida. I was very traumatized as it meant leaving behind my fiance Phyllis Hogan. My hopes and plans were to get back to Kentucky so I could get our relationship back on track, and make plans for our wedding.

My mind fades off now into so many memories of the events that transpired that year, years before, and years after…

I fall into a memory of a summer’s day. Sitting in the front porch swing of a house on Crestmoor. I close my eyes and remember. The present fades away. I am there. An olfactory memory of the scent of perfume Muguet Des Bois. I open my eyes. I’m not there, but she was just here with me for a brief moment again. Why, after all these years, does my heart tell me it was only yesterday?

23 March 2023

Today I stumbled across a very interesting video on Youtube about a phenomenon known as genetic atavism. What’s that? I never heard of it either, but I realize it could be the very reason that my great-great maternal grandfather (b. 1852) came out looking Black race when both his parents were White. I hunted for slave ownership records thinking his father may have had a child by a slave. I wondered if his mother had perhaps had relations with a slave. I wish I could time travel and speak to my 3rd great grandparents about this. Here’s the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYJjqphnwsc

Today I also found out I have cancer. I have to decide whether I want treatment or forego treatment. I’m told at this point treatment would easily stop the cancer. I guess the real decision is whether I want to live longer or not. All my family has preceded me in death, grandparents, parents, sister and brothers. I’m the only family I have left. No wife or children. There is not a single soul on this planet that will miss me when I’m gone. I’ll be buried along with my name so the saying goes.

21 March 2023

Some months back I was checking on the progress of the repositioning of the old 1880’s courthouse in my hometown of La Grange, Kentucky. They moved the building forward on the courthouse lawn to allow more space at the rear to build on a modern addition. Anyway, while looking for more information on the progress I came across a Google maps for the courthouse and I just decided to travel along memory lane, so to speak, on the roads that lead from the courthouse to my grandparents former farm.

I was tracing my way along the road to the farm when I was a bit taken aback to notice Google had done a recent update of their satellite photos. Since the farm sold in 2004 it’s passed through several hands, developers hoping to build homes on it, but they soon found out that the number of natural springs and resulting progressive sinkholes did not allow for zoning of the way they planned. The last sale of the property finally got someone building. I was toying with the idea to buy the property back and live there again as it set undeveloped all these years, but now that dream is gone.

I imagine it’s for the best that it’s gone because it will never be what it was supposed to be. It’s strange to look back at the chain of events. I actually didn’t lose the farm when my grandmother died as that dream flew out the window decades before when I was 18 and the girl I was to marry left me. No longer would I be the sole grandchild to inherit the farm as the home for my family.

Ultimately, I know God has a plan for our lives so that we learn what we need to learn each time on the earth school. For that reason I don’t blame Phyllis for the loss my family farm even it was her actions that changed the course of history. No wonder that old Jimmy Stewart movie, It’s a Wonderful Life is a perennial favorite.

Despite what has been lost God’s plan still the best blueprint for a wonderful life.

17 March 2023

Been quiet for a bit. When March 8th rolls around I get quiet and sad because it’s the anniversary of my grandmother’s death in 2004. We were soul mates. It felt like we shared a soul. She was a savior.

My mother had hid her pregnancy from my father and divorced him. She didn’t believe in abortion, but she believed in giving her child away for adoption. My grandmother stepped in told my mother not to “Do that to your own child because you are upset with his father. I’ll take the child and care for him till you get your head straightened out.”

I went straight from the hospital to my grandparents home for the first three months of my life. Later in life my mother complained that I cried for six months after she brought me home, but let me believe she had brought me home from the hospital, not that she had taken me from the only mother I knew for three months. Is it any wonder I cried for six months?

I wish my grandmother would have kept me forever. I imagine I would have grown up loving myself instead of hating myself and taking the blame for all my mother’s unhappiness. All the hatred she had for my father she placed onto me. She said many things to make me feel unworthy of love. She married five times and destroyed each marriage mentally castrating each husband. With a mother that mentally and physically abused me and never having a father to protect me it’s no wonder how I finally became suicidal as a teenager with no one to turn to.

I often think about a snowy winter’s day when I was 12 years old. I was at school and during the lunch hour I wandered away from the school feeling like I just wanted to lay down in the snow and die so I didn’t have to return to my horrible home situation. I used to sleep behind furniture and in closets to avoid being found by my alcoholic mother and being beaten just because. In remembering that day I often have wished I would have been smart enough to have made my way to my grandparents home and told them of all the abuse I was suffering and begged them to keep me and protect me.

These memories I’ve revisited them many times, but they never get old. I still weep tears for that little boy who didn’t deserve to be abused, and I daydream about how my life could have been different if I had been loved.

I met Phyllis Hogan the next school year and I knew I’d found my one true love. She said she loved me and we’d be married. I never got the chance to share with her the things I’ve shared today. Things that made me feel like she was my match made in heaven. Sadly, after all these years, I still feel the same way today. Call me the hopeless romantic, but I feel we both know the truth that we were meant for each other. We’ve both struggled with many hardships in the intervening years. Somehow we both learned how to tuck certain memories and feelings away so we could survive and try to find some happiness outside of the joys of a happy marriage, family, children.

My mother moved our family away from Kentucky and away from my bride to be just when plans for a wedding should have begun. I wonder if my mother moved us away to prevent my happiness? I don’t see how moving to Florida benefited anything. It put 1000 miles between us and the rest of our family. It put 1000 miles between me and Phyllis. Nothing good came of it. Nothing.

20 February 2023

Happy Presidents Day to the true President of the United States, Donald J. Trump!

2 February 2023

In John 12:25 Yeshua Messiah said, “Whoever loves his life will lose it, but whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.

I was having one or two of those days lately where I was not liking my life in this world too much. During this time of sadness the Lord reached out to me in His mercy and revealed something to me

Back in 1982 when I was 18 I left my mother’s house in Florida and returned to my home State of Kentucky. I had returned to claim my bride, but to my devastation a month after my arrival she up and took another. All was lost. There was nothing I could do. In resignation I returned to my mother’s home in Florida where it wasn’t long before life became so dark for me that I didn’t want to live anymore.

On that sunny afternoon I took an overdose of sleeping pills and laid in my bed looking forward to leaving this life of pain. I was slipping in and out of consciousness when I was no longer in my bright bedroom, but things were I light came closer and became brighter and a voice spoke to me and said, “If you do this then you will never have a chance to be happy.” I can’t say who this voice belonged to, but I feel it was one of two–either Yeshua or my grandpa who had passed in 1974.

All these 40 years since that day I heeded that warning in the sense that I needed to live to have the chance for happiness on this earth. The past couple days I have been thinking that hasn’t been much happiness these past 40 years. It was then that the still small voice in my thoughts made me realize I’d gotten it all wrong. That 40-year-old warning wasn’t about the fleeting happiness one can experience here on this earth, but it was about the eternal happiness I would experience on the day when the Father calls me home and I get to see Yeshua.

9 January 2023

I’ve got this thing for white roses. I like all roses, but white climbers or ramblers really excite me. When I lived in Indiana I had some wild white roses I’d taken from the fenceline on my grandparents farm in Kentucky. They were only a few petals and very small. The untrained eye might thing they were blackberries in bloom.

In preparing for my move to my new home I’ve taken a cutting from my prized Iceberg climbing rose. It blooms constantly through the season and grows to 15 feet in just a couple years. The cutting is potted up and ready for travel.

I found a white rambler called Lykkefund which also grows like crazy. I’m just putting a link to where I can get one so I won’t forget. https://www.northlandrosarium.com/products/lykkefund

25 December 2022

Formerly I have written much about the woman who I’ve considered my wife for 40 years. Biblically speaking, when a couple becomes engaged to be married it carries the same weight as today’s modern wedding ceremony. There are a few more rules as to what constituted a betrothal in Biblical times, but I’ll skip those as I think everyone knows that much of society has become a lot more morally loose and an engagement today isn’t quite the binding contract it was in Biblical times. When was the last time you heard of a bride paying a dowry to her husband to be? Times have changed, but God has not.

As we read in the New Testament Mary and Joseph almost got divorced even though they were only engaged and had not yet had their wedding ceremony, nor consummated their union. The angel of God told him not to divorce her because the child in her was from the Holy Spirit, and not the result of an adulterous relationship.

Because Phyllis left me during our engagement it has left me married in God’s eyes and I am not allowed to marry another woman because Biblically I have a living wife. She could come back to me or if she doesn’t come back to me I am only released to marry another when she dies. Sad situation to be in, but I will not mock God and commit the sin of adultery by marrying another while I have a living wife. While the sins of my past are under the blood that does not set me free to marry again now. I’m thinking more along the lines of a senior citizen group home sort of thing that can be a replacement of sorts for family. All my family is dead and I am an orphan now since 2005.

I went through hell when she left me and instead of mourning my loss and trying to move on in a healthy fashion I turned to drugs, alcohol and a couple suicide attempts to cover my pain. Then the ultimate escapist plan was to become someone else leaving my former identity behind. It took me actually about 20 years to wriggle free of the false identity I created for myself to escape the painful reality that the love of my life had left me, and worse, she was trapped in an abusive marriage that she was scared to leave for fear he’d kill her. What a mess.

After 40 years I finally got the strength to mourn my loss and grieve like I should have 40 years ago. Over those 40 years there were conversations with her sister Linda, a few messages with her sister Joan, and finally also quite a few exchanges with her sister Zina who was quite sympathetic to me, and Zina, if you are reading accept my apologies. Just know that Phyllis was and still is the love of my life and I never grieved her loss. I disassociated psychologically for 40 years till I finally faced the pain when I had become stronger. You helped me with that and there were a couple times I was just wound up so tight I said some things I regret. I hope you can forgive me.

Anyway, I’ve been experiences letting go in stages. Today I finally felt the peace to be able to let go of all my writings here on this website about my heartache since Phyllis left me. I clicked on all the cathartic pages I’d written that I hope Phyllis read and I have removed them all from the website.

I’m at peace now having grieved her loss, and she must think me most vile for airing all my heartaches online, but I guess she will never know how much she devastated my life. I can’t say I have any faith that she read anything I wrote, but at least I know her sister Zina did. Maybe one day Zina will tell her how much I loved her and will till the day I die.

That’s where I’m going to leave this, finally. I have no expectations Phyllis will ever contact me with any explanation or apology for mysteriously leaving me and marrying another. I just have to be at peace knowing that I will never know. I feel sad writing this because I’d take her back in a flash because I’ve never stopped loving her, but I know I’ve finally been able to work through it all and let go. I hope I don’t ever have to revisit this subject again. It feels like a good day to fully let go…

12 December 2022

America at War with Russia

When the military of the USA is giving intelligence to Ukraine of locations in Russia for places to strike with bombs that sure sounds like America being at war with Russia to me. When Putin has had enough and hits the United States of America with nuclear bombs don’t be surprised.

6 December 2022

Last night I traveled back in time in my dreams. Lady Diana Spencer was my friend before she began seeing Prince Charles. We were at some large dinner function, the kind where large round tables that held up to 8 people filled a large banquet hall. I had a sudden flush of awareness that I had fallen in love with her. To my surprise, and hers, I leaned into her to whisper something in her ear and I told her, “I love you” and kissed her ear before withdrawing. She looked back at me with a look that confirmed she loved me too.

As I said, I traveled back in time. I knew the mistake she would make in the next year after meeting Prince Charles. Somehow she knew it too as she was also aware she had traveled back in time to relive this tender moment. We both knew we were meant to be together as each other’s first love.

I hate to admit it, but I think the dream is symbolic of my own first love that I have never forgotten.

5 December 2022

When Revelation chapter 6 speaks of 2 pounds of wheat for a days wages I think many of us have scoffed at such a reality?

Eggs are part of my diet and I egg organic pasture raised eggs. I get them at the Walmart, but they been out of the Happy Egg brand for several weeks. I check the website today to see if they are back in stock yet and they are. They went from $4.56 a dozen to $7.36 a dozen. That’s insane, but it’s gonna get worse.

Have you noticed how many earthquakes are happening and how many volcanos we currently have erupting?

These are just the beginnings of sorrows?

I’m not afraid of starving to death, or death at all because I know I’ll be going home and I’ll see Yeshua and the Father. I just hope since the righteous are not appointed for wrath that I don’t have to suffer and die before Yeshua raptures me home. Dear heavenly Father please forgive me for all my sins as I strive to know and keep all your commandments. I want to live in your Kingdom forever. In Yeshua’s name I pray.

26 November 2022

Added a new page to the website today with a video link that clearly explains how the Jews changed God’s Holy Torah to deceive their own people about the identity of their own Messiah Yeshua. You can find the Youtube video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VI1yRTC6kGE

25 November 2022

Sometimes I am gripped with a deep loneliness. I’m lonely for the wife I should be enjoying life, children, and grandchildren with. Because of my faith in God’s word I know I can’t go looking for a new wife because God still considers Phyllis Hogan my living wife. I am to be true to God’s word, either she returns to me or I must wait until she dies before I can marry someone else.

For reference see the story of Mary and Joseph in the New Testament. Joseph was promised to Mary. During their engagement before they had sexually come together Mary was found to be pregnant and at first Joseph was going to divorce her for adultery till the angel of the LORD revealed to him that the child in her womb is of the Holy Spirit and he should not divorce her and continue to take her as his wife.

You see, in God’s eyes when two people plan to marry they are considered already man in wife and if they then decide to separate before they consummate the marriage it takes a divorce. So, in God’s eyes Phyllis committed adultery by leaving me for Patrick Hickey. Back when this tragic event happened I didn’t have the knowledge and tools I do today. I don’t think Phyllis when to church or had any significant Bible knowledge so I assume she has committed adultery in ignorance.

Matthew 19:9 says, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” 

Because she left me for another man I am free to marry someone else, but having loved her for so long it’s hard to imagine throwing that love away that is still so pure. I know I must accept that it’s completely foolish to think she’d ever return to me. I just find it too difficult to pretend I’m free when in my heart I don’t feel free. Sometimes I wonder if it’s not too late for me to find a Godly woman to spend the rest of my life with. Having never had children I also think of adopting a child that hopefully will be there for me in my old age and I’ll have someone to leave my estate to instead of just having it all given away to charity. I guess giving it all away to a Godly organization is not so bad, but it’s not the first heartfelt plan that comes to mind.

18 November 2022

Rethinking the Genesis 1:29 Diet and Traveling Down the Rabbit Hole

29And God said, “See, I have given you every herb that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree whose fruit yields seed; to you it shall be for food.”

On the surface the average reader would assume God declared that the vegan diet is the perfect diet for humans. If so, then why did God command that everyone should eat Passover lamb? Later also giving specific commandments about which animals we can eat?

Could it be that what has been handed down to us through scripture is a condensed version that has left out important details about the state of man at creation and how we evolved since so that now the proper human diet is carnivore where the sparing use of fruits/vegetable/herbs are used as flavor enhancer for the meat?

I’m curious about the human cecum that is so small compared to certain vegetarian animals that we call it an appendix. The cecum of apes is about four feet long and provides a vast space for the breaking down of all the hard fibrous bark they nibble off tree branches before it moves into the large intestine. Amazingly us humans share 99% of are DNA with apes and we appear so much like them. Could these primates have been what God used to hybridize with a human-like species to create us and the made from dirt story was meant to cover a disconcerting fact?

What if what we know about God himself gives us a very limited understanding of who and what he is? There seems to be a theme that God is more like some type of energy that can take the form of a pillar of cloud or a pillar of fire. Scriptures tells us that God appeared to Abraham as a man along with two angels. God also appeared to Jacob as a man that fought with him and apparently fractured his hip. If we believe in the authority of scripture testifying that God and basically take on any form he desires for his purposes then why are there some that reject completely the idea that God was in the vessel of Yeshua Moshiach (Jesus Christ)? How can there be any argument when Yeshua is recorded in John 14:11 as saying,  “11Believe Me that I am in the Father and the Father in Me.”

How can we explain the mystery of God being in Yeshua and Yeshua being in the Father when we cannot truly understand how our bodies are animated by a soul that entered into it and will be deanimated when the soul leaves it one day?

Certainly, there is so many details we do not yet know, but one day all will be revealed. If it were revealed to us now it would come as quite a shock to know how everything works. The book of Daniel lets us know that in the Last Days knowledge shall be increased, but it doesn’t say all will be revealed. So, how is knowledge to our burning questions being increased?

I do believe that documented history that is much older than the writing of the book of Genesis is part of our knowledge being increased that fills in some of the blanks. Consider in the year 1893 clay tablets were found in Iraq that predate the Bible’s book of Genesis by many thousands of years. Among the many tablets found in the ancient Iraqi city of Nippur (founded 4000 BC) were a collection of 7 tablets known as The Enuma Elish (also known as The Seven Tablets of Creation). In these tablets we have earlier documentation of nearly the same creation account given in the book of Genesis where the first man was created from earth in a place called Eden (a Sumerian word that means ‘flat terrain’.) Eden is mentioned as the garden of the gods and is located somewhere in Mesopotamia between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers.

As we know, Abraham came from the city of Ur in Iraq so surely he was wise and knew of these creation stories that got passed down over time and eventually a version that was a bit altered was recorded in the book of Genesis.

So, what of the Sumerian God that lived somewhere beyond their skies and was responsible for creating mankind? Since nobody actually knows much about our Father who art in heaven perhaps we’ve found some of that knowledge that was promised to be increased in the Last Days per the book of Daniel.

No revelations will change my heart about the Father or our Messiah Yeshua. I have often said to people that I wouldn’t make a fuss if Yeshua returned to earth in spaceship with Muhammad and a little green man as co-pilots. I think we’ve all been raised to have some idyllic and romanticized view of who and what God is and nearly every single one of us will be a bit surprised at the final reveal. Sadly, none will be more surprised than those who Yeshua called “the workers of iniquity”, all those many so-called Christians who live Lawlessly because they say all of God’s Law was nailed to the cross and they don’t have to keep it anymore.

30 October 2022

Remembering my grandpa today on the 46th anniversary of his passing.

23 October 2022

It’s a cold day here.

12 October 2022

Three queens in their nineties have died within days of each other. Most recently, queen of the silver screen Angela Lansbury, queen of country music Loretta Lynn, and The Queen of England.

10 October 2022

Last night I watched a free movie on Crackle called, Me and You Us Forever https://www.crackle.com/watch/1fd0263f-3000-43e9-b7fa-a06fbc07028e/me-and-you-us-forever

It’s a movie about a man who’s wife says she has no feelings for him anymore and divorces him leaving him and their two daughters heartbroken. As the months pass and he struggles with his grief he wonders if their marriage had been a mistake. He began to reminisce about his first love from high school realizing that he should have never broke off their relationship, and she was the woman he should have married. Slowly, with his own loss, he began to understand the heartache he must have caused his first love when he ended their relationship. He resolved to go see her to make a long overdue apology after 30 years.

Obviously, this movie spoke volumes to me. My first love in high school whom I became engaged to dumped me. Out of the blue Phyllis sent me a letter saying that we were finished and she threw away everything I ever gave her. I guess that meant the gold engagement bracelet I gave her went to the trash too.

In shock after reading her letter I went to the phone to try to talk to her and ask her what in the world was going on. I made several attempts to speak with her, but she wouldn’t talk to me. I’d never felt such pain in my life. I bolted out the door of my parents house and threw myself in front of a car on the highway.

In some ways I did die that day because I knew my life no longer had a future. I began my escape from that life by putting myself back on the potters wheel to recreate myself with a new identity. Like the drugs and alcohol many people use to escape the pain of reality I used transgenderism to escape a painful destroyed life. It took 20 years of that life to realize it was another self destructive form of escapism. Once I stopped deluding myself and returned to living my natural life as male I finally began to put the pieces of my broken life back together as best as possible. I created this website as part of my healing process. Phyllis found this website and contacted me. She told me her sad story of an abused wife, but she never told me she was sorry for how she devastated my life.

Seems like both our lives went to hell in different ways. She still is suffering with her abuser husband, but her suffering may be over soon as I hear he is in bad health. I don’t know that Phyllis ever loved me and I can’t say she didn’t. I think the desperate social undercurrent in her life was to find a man to support her and live out her life in security as an obedient housewife regardless if there was any love in the marriage or not. All of her family encouraged her to get out of her abusive marriage. One sister inspired her to get an education so she could develop her own financial support with a career if she left the marriage. I hope she will find peace once her abuser is dead. At least she will have financial security since he was in the Marines, and she will own property in Kentucky and Florida. I don’t think she will ever apologize for how she hurt me and that’s okay because I’ve forgiven her anyway. I’ve gotten over the hurt and all that remains is the love. In my heart she will always be that beautiful young woman I fell in love with. I will remember fondly are happy walks in the fall on the Sacred Heart Academy campus and our special place where we used to sit and talk. While I do tell the truth of what happened, and that truth does have some consequences, I don’t tell these things with any bitter intent. Real love and forgiveness have a way of making you forget unpleasant things. I know if I ever saw Phyllis again my heart would melt just like it used to do and I’d simply pick up loving her where things left off years ago. Love heals all wounds.

Like the guy in the movie, I had to go through a lot of things before I finally got it all figured out. I had to stop running from my pain to restore my life. It took nearly 40 years to finally come to a place where I stopped running and was able to finally face the grieving process of Phyllis leaving me. She still owns half of my heart and she always will, but that is something I’ve finally made peace with. The way I see it, the worst is behind me, and now that our Lord and Savior is so close to returning to this world I don’t have much time left to keep myself occupied. I have my fur children (dogs), my gardening, and I teach others about the Master of the Universe and His Son, our soon coming King Messiah.

7 October 2022

The beautiful fall weather has been keeping me busy on my garden projects. I’ve built my new garden entrance arbor and I’m mapping out the new flower beds bordered with landscaping bricks. I found a really great metal garden trellis and I’ve envisioned creating a trellis fence with a bunch of them around the entrance to my garden. When the landscape bricks are laid about a foot and a half high to create my planting bed I’ll be able to put bougainvillea’s out of their pots and into the ground. I plan to keep them espaliered along the trellis fence rather sparsely so you can still see through the trellis. That will take constant pruning as bougainvillea grow quickly. I love that though because it constantly will give me something to do in the garden, pinching here and clipping there. I also have a Persian lime that I’m going to espalier to the trellis. Now that that the new arbor is up I’ll be able to give my potted iceberg climbing rose a forever home. It will go on one side of the arbor and I’m going to allow a pink lantana to grow up the other side.

My keto-carnivore diet is coming along well. I’m learning how to balance the right amounts of my foundational foods consisting of cauliflower, cabbage, broccoli, beef, beef tallow, beef liver, and eggs. I also eat avocado’s for fat and I use a bit of onion sometimes. Pretty simple and low maintenance. I’m also still taking my Vibe nutraceutical that I’ve been taking for nearly 20 years. Learning what your body needs to be disease-free takes a bit of detective work since we have all been programed by the government food pyramid to eat a diet that promotes nearly every disease you could ever get.

Back to my garden daydreaming…. This morning while watering I was thinking that some hanging baskets of flowers would look great on the front of the arbor if I install some nice hanger brackets on the posts. I just remembered I need to get my purple basil seeds planted. Basil grows very well in the year-round climate here. The purple will be very beautiful and complimentary with the pink lanta, white roses, and the pinks and fushia’s of the bougainvillea’s. I’m so happy fall has arrived!

22 September 2022

Wow! Got down to 66 this morning and it was absolutely glorious working out in the garden. We still got to 100 today, but since we don’t have the humidity 100 was very easy to take after the monsoon for like 3 weeks since the last week of August when we were also have temps to about 116. From here on out over the fall and winter it’s gonna be wonderful.

Today I put a big thrust in the re-orchestration of my garden symphony. I’m putting up a Japanese style garden fence with an arbor for my front garden. I was very blessed to find a metal trellis that has a Japanese flavor and I purchased five of them to make 10 feet of fence on one side of the garden. Once I get those connected together I then need to plan my wooden arbor in a complimentary style. That will take some calculating. I’ll need to design the dimensions of the gate within the arbor first and then manage the the relocation of the arbor entrance by some inches due to the sections of trellis fencing coming in 24 inch widths.

I wasn’t exactly planning on a garden with a Japanese flavor, but my gardening motto has always been, “I let the garden plan itself. I’m just the caretaker.” Don’t get me wrong. I love planned formal gardens, but I like the idea that my garden has a soul and style of it’s own and I’m happy to assist and share the joy.

Today, I also remember my mother who passed at age 54. She would have been 86 today.

15 September 2022

It’s very difficult to write anything cheerful at this time. I suppose it is not appropriate to write about cheerful things at this time anyway. Certainly, Prince Harry is not having a cheerful time on this his 38th birthday. I hope somehow though he can be comforted by the love of his grandmother who would have loved to celebrate him on this day.

13 September 2022

This time last week Elizabeth, Queen of Scots was still smiling and vibrant, but only minutes ago I watched as the air force jet with her contained in a coffin left Scotland for the last time. I’m sure it wasn’t the way she’d wish to return to London.

Sadly, it forces memories of my own grandmother’s passing. She was the Queen of my family. I wonder if she ever actually knew her grandmother Morrison was Scottish? I know, perhaps more than her children, the Queen’s grandchildren are the most sad. There is always something extra special about a grandmother and her relationship with her grandchildren. Well, at least I can speak for myself, and can only imagine the loss that Harry and William are feeling now with their cousins, Beatrice and Eugenie.

I’ve been looking forward to reading Prince Harry’s memoir when it is published. I wonder now with the death of his granny will he be doing a final edit to include his thoughts about her life and passing. I am reminded that my own mother passed 10 years before my grandmother did. I’m very grateful that I got to keep my grandmother longer because she was a mother to me than a grandmother.

04 September 2022

My dad would have been 86 on August 31. Princess Diana is gone 25 years on August 31. My mother passed on the 17th of August.

23 August 2022

Hello again. It’s been nearly one year since I made an entry in this blog. Why? The day before I made my last entry here I began a goodbye blog to the love of my life, Phyllis Hogan. That blog came to an end on August 8th.

It was in December of 1978 that Phyllis Hogan and I became engaged to be married. We didn’t tell our families. It was to be a secret betrothal just between us until the time was proper to make a formal engagement announcement. I don’t know what Phyllis may have told her family.

My mother had decided to move my family 1000 miles away from our home in Kentucky to a new home in Florida and there was nothing we could do, but I gave her a gold betrothal bracelet instead of a golden engagement ring. Her engagement ring I would purchase a few years later, but it never was given because one day with no warning she put an end to our relationship with a letter. Over the next two years I tried to convince Phyllis to reconcile with little success. The month I turned 18 I returned to Kentucky to live with my grandmother and I hoped, now living close by Phyllis would return to our marriage. I didn’t mistakenly just say marriage. I believe in our Creator, our LORD (YHVH), and according to His word when a couple becomes betrothed to one another it carries the same weight as marriage.

I began speaking with Phyllis on the phone and let her know I’d returned to living in Kentucky in hopes we’d get things back on track. I want to make this long story shorter so I’ll cut the sad ending. A month after returning Phyllis did the unimaginable and she married the kid known as the biggest asshole in school, Patrick Hickey on the 30th of May 1982 and she has paid dearly for that mistake ever since. She has been kept a prisoner in a loveless, and childless marriage for over 40 years. She remains married to him today, but her sister Zina told me some months ago that Patrick is diabetic and in bad health. I guess that means he is unable to quite the jailer he used to be and Phyllis is now allowed to drive herself to work and places where in years past she not allowed to do such. I’m glad her locked down life has opened up a little. One day she will finally be free of her marriage to Patrick and what will she do then? I used have hopes that she’d tell me I was her true love and soul mate and she wanted to start again after her mistake, but because she stopped talking to me a little over 10 years ago I have now given up all hope that will happen. It is hard to imagine how after being stuck with a man who threatens to kill you if you ever left him that Phyllis would want to trust again. Both her sisters, Zina and Joan, have my phone number that I gave them to give her. Zina texted me so there is a forever record that she can’t say she lost my number. It’s not even about my phone number. I’m right here on the Internet with my whole life an open book. Contacting me is just one click away.

Anyway… It took me nearly a year to finally grieve the relationship that Phyllis and I once had. I had never done it years ago. Instead of grieving and trying to move on I went into denial. With that denial came a couple suicide attempts. After I got past that phase of my denial I turned to other self destructive avenues to stop the pain. I didn’t know how I would ever be anything in life without her. Forever I felt I was going to be stuck being the boy with a broken heart. Is that all I would ever be? I decided I would not be that boy anymore. I would not allow there to be any chance that another girl would come along that would only do the same thing to me again. In my denial I denied myself a chance to grieve. There were other ways besides suicide to escape the life that has been so full of pain and disappointment. I decided to put my old life behind me and become someone new. The details of that effort should be found in an autobiography called, The Colossal Mistake. Seriously, folks…don’t run away from your problems. Face them head on. Don’t go into denial. The pain I put on hold by trying to run away from it only came back demanding it’s day in court later.

Slowly, over the years I took my life back, in 2004 to be exact. The year my beloved grandmother passed away. I still had much to get back into order, but it was almost like I picked up the thread I had dropped all those years ago. In 1983 I was struggling to stay alive so I realized I was not a candidate for University then. I wasn’t until I took my life back that it was like returning to that last year of high school. It was 20 years later, but I returned to school to become a psychologist. It was a few years after my grandmother’s passing that Phyllis contacted me again having found me through this website on the Internet. I guess that was when my grieving began. I had grown stronger and my psychological education had me making the right choices this time.

Phyllis remained in contact for several years and then vanished again like she’d done once before years ago. I figured that perhaps Patrick had gotten too close to finding out we were talking and she got hell for it. She told me so many horrible things he had done to her over the years and I offered to help her escape him and start a new life with me just as friends without trying to pick up where we left off. She just disappeared again like she did so many years ago leaving me wondering what was going on in her mind.

I was talking to a therapist friend some years ago about her and he said to me, “It’s sounds like you’ve never grieved the loss and moved on?” He was right. How was I to move on though with no answers why Phyllis did what she did to me, to us. She has lived a life of misery since and so have I. However, as we all do we learn how to find joy in small things, and one day we find we feel like we’ve moved on, but in reality we haven’t. Sweeping grieving under the rug only keeps it hidden till it’s dealt with later.

I began my slow process of healing by writing my life story in private and on the Internet for all the world to see. It was several years into writing that I came to a place where I began to finally go through the grieving process of Phyllis leaving me. I finally came to terms with it the healthy way. The blog I mentioned above took nearly a year of making entries till I was able to let go and finally say goodbye. I finally became strong enough to face the idea that I’d never see her again in this lifetime. Oh, yes, I could have made an appearance on her doorstep anytime I wanted uninvited. I could have showed up at her places of employment and asked her to go to lunch with me or on a walk to talk, but you don’t do that to a woman you love who is trapped in a marriage with an abusive man who may fly into a rage and become deadly.

I called her at work one day. All I wanted to do was hear her voice. I didn’t identify myself. Her voice still sounded just the same as the one that used to tell me “I love you” all those years ago. Hearing her voice somehow allowed me to believe she was real and that I hadn’t just imagined her in a dream. It gave me strength to let go and let God. That’s where we stand now. I don’t think I’ll ever see her again until I see her in the presence of God. And that’s okay. I’ve finally let go. It was good to go through the grieving process. I only wish I could have done it many years ago and my life would not have taken so many sad twists and turned through suicide, drugs, alcohol and running away from my broken heart, running away from me.

So, here I am on the other side of that long journey. Fifty-eight years old and I’m wondering where life will take me now. It’s really an odd thought to know all the life changing events of the past 40 years were honestly a result of me not grieving Phyllis Hogan and moving on with my life. I could think of all the what could have been possibilities. A wife with children growing up on the same farm I grew up on. Grandchildren growing up on the same farm. Even great grandchildren by now. Ah well! God is still in control and this life is not over yet. Being among those who medically cannot get vaccinated against COVID is another existence, but with God’s help I’m going to thrive.

After a recent inheritance I have the feeling that once again the 7-year itch is settling in. I feel like my time in the desert may be over? I don’t know. Is it time for a desert upgrade? Is it time to move home to Kentucky in preparation for my eventual death? Maybe I won’t die? Maybe I’ll be “changed in a moment” and receive a glorified body like Yeshua and I won’t need to be buried with my people in Kentucky. It’s a time of transition. One long and rough chapter is closing and it’s time to welcome a new chapter of my life.

So, what’s happening in my new chapter of life? I guess one of the biggest things going on my life now is my diet. For so many years I simply ate whatever I wanted. I didn’t have a terrible diet full of processed junk and trans fats. I did however have a diet that was full of wheat gluten that gave me arthritis. I was so amazed after finally accepting the knowledge that arthritis is caused by gluten and I stopped all gluten my arthritis went away. Growing up on a farm we raised beef cattle and huge garden. The Standard American Diet (SAD) encouraged me to believe that lots of fruits and veggies with a serving of meat was the way to go. I appreciated how the Chinese would use meat as a flavoring for their vegetable stir frys. I stayed pretty health way till I was 50 and the arthritis kicked in.

I was lead to believe that going vegetarian or vegan was the way to regaining my health. Boy, was that wrong and a big mistake! I eased into my big diet change over a period of a few years. First, I stopped all gluten and sugar. It was very difficult because I love bread and sugar. I was only allowing the occasional treat, but when I did I would have a flare up of eczema, arthritis, and neuropathy. Finally, I was able to stop all wheat for good and decades or eczema ended instantly. My arthritis that would sometimes have me on a walker from back pain went away too. So now, I was a vegan, mainly a raw vegan. Well, you live and you learn. All fruits and vegetables are carbohydrates that turn into sugar in the body and cause diabetes and here I was eating this stuff all day long and so my insulin never got a break. Thankfully, my vegan mistake only lasted a couple years and I did no permanent damage.

So what am I doing now? No processed foods? Yes, I am eating processed foods. I’m just not eating the ones you think I am. Cattle eat a vegetarian diet. Instead of me eating all those fruits and vegetables to get their nutrients I’m allowing God’s wonder animal to process those foods for me and turn it into nutrient dense beef. When I stopped eating fruits and vegetables that my body turned into sugar my neuropathy pain began to stop. No more flooding my bloodstream with sugar and insulin and my nerves have begun to heal.

For now my diet is called Keto-Carnivore or otherwise known as PHD (Proper Human Diet). Super low carb and heavy on meat and fat. Finally, my body is healing because it’s getting the food it needs to heal. I’m still in what is called the elimination stage. I’m seeing what I can eat along with beef that won’t cause neuropathy pain. So, far an avocado a day doesn’t hurt. I love avocado’s. Raw onions don’t seem to hurt so I can put them in my sardine egg salad. I recently found out my one sweet thing, stevia, the natural sweetener apparently triggers insulin release. No worries! Instead of drinking sweet tea all day I limit my coffee and sweet tea to my one meal a day mealtime so any and all insulin goes out at one time and the rest of the day my body heals.

Diet change is not easy, but when you get tired of having diet-related illnesses you become motivated to make lasting changes. In this modern world where most of the planet has every kind of food imaginable available to them at any time of year WE HAVE BECOME A PLANT OF GLUTTONS. It is written in Scripture, “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge”. Look at all the people dying too young from diet related illness. It doesn’t have to happen! I’m so glad I found Dr. Ken Berry on Youtube. He promotes the Proper Human Diet. Also, finding out about the diet change that saved Dr. Jordan Peterson and his daughter Mikhaila was a real eye-opener. We are all finally learning how certain foods are literally killing us. While I’m still in the stage of feeling strange eating so much meat I’m not allowing that to bother me. I have to admit though I feel as if I should be having dreams of being a tiger running after prey and eating it live and bloody. LOL

28 September 2021

Have I mentioned I have not taken the COVID vaccine? I’m one of those people that have been advised by my doctors that I should not take any of the vaccines because due to my XO/XY Mosaic chromosome pattern I am one of those people at high risk of forming fatal blood clots from the vaccine. World-wide there have been many thousands of death from blood clots after receiving the vaccine and the numbers continue to rise. I know the possibility exists that I could catch COVID and it would be fatal for me in a matter of days because I have lung damage from a nerve pain drug I once took called Gabapentin/Lyrica. I know that any of us could go at any time from something as simple as heart failure, heart attack, or stroke, but those have a better survival rate than COVID. It’s an ugly new world I live in now where I live under the pressure that something as simple as going to the grocery could cost me my life. I guess I have a bit of an easier time than most adjusting to isolation as I grew up in a type of isolated life on a farm. I’m not on a farm now however. I live in a home with only patio space for my garden. How I wish I was back home in Kentucky on the land that was my grandparents farm.

27 September 2021

The nightmares have begun again. The same nightmares I used to have when I was 16 after being hospitalized for a suicide attempt after my fiancé Phyllis Hogan sent me a letter telling me she never wanted to see me again.

This time the nightmares are worse because all the memories I have previously blocked as part of the post traumatic shock syndrome (PTSD) have now after 40 years coming flooding back all in exacting and vivid detail. For these past decades I could only remember what are called small flashbulb memories–an event here or there as if it were like a photo taken when you are stunned by the flashbulb of a camera and you remember nothing surrounding the time of the photo, but just that moment in time.

In my work as a psychotherapist I understood and taught this phenomenon that people went through after experiencing trauma how for many years memories they would have no access to certain memories and then one day some occurrence in their lives would allow all the memories to come back. Today I have experienced that phenomenon now for myself. Now I know what my patients have felt. Everyone’s memories of traumatic events that return to them are different, but the similarity is in how the individuals then experience the full emotional impact of the trauma all over again. I woke myself up this morning crying from the events of a dream that I assume is part of what unlocked the memories I’m buried so deep.

I imagine this has now happened due to the additional emotional trauma I’ve been experiencing since trying to re-establish contact with Phyllis. She has refused to contact me either by email or phone call so I could have my questions answered of why she did what she did to me all those years ago. Phyllis’ sister Zina Gelona has been acting as a reluctant go-between telling me what Phyllis has said. The most recent message relayed was that a photo I had posted on my page of Phyllis that she had taken and sent to me she wanted removed from my page. In the foggy mindset that preceded all these memories now coming back I had posted the photo and it wasn’t until I went back and read the email the photo arrived with that I realized Phyllis had requested I never post the photo on my website. Truly, I had forgotten that request just the same as the memories of years ago had been forgotten until today. That’s the truth. That’s the power that this girl who was once my everything has had over me. The girl that was to become my wife when I turned 18 and returned to Kentucky to marry her, but within weeks of my return she suddenly went before a justice of the peace and married Patrick James Hickey, who had been known by all as the biggest asshole jerk in school. It’s hard to write these words at this moment because all these memories are flooding in as vividly as it happened yesterday.

The reason for my return to Kentucky….I’m searching for words to describe it. I fell into a pit of despair. She was gone. No longer my fiancé, but now the stark legal reality I had to face was she was another man’s wife. My mission a failure I decided to return to my family in Florida and that’s when I began to self destruct. The intense heartache and pain I experienced I somehow had to survive, but how? Friends would say that all wounds heal in time and time will help you to forget. Some of that was true, but little did I know, at that time as a young 18-year-old man, extensive psychological trauma was more in charge of the healing and forgetting that I consciously was. Honestly, I do not know how I managed to survive that time if not for the support of some really close friends.

I’ve pleaded and pleaded with Phyllis through messaging with her sister Zina and through this website to please explain to me why she hurt me so deeply several times, but still I receive no reply from Phyllis. So, now, once again in my life I enter uncharted waters so-to-speak, but this time I am equipped with a roadmap. I know I could go and speak with some of my therapist friends in the area and maybe I will, but what I have found to be most helpful over the years is to write. Now, that all the memories have returned I don’t want them all to disappear in a puff of smoke like they did 40 years ago when my life became another life out of the need for survival. So today, I will resume my blog to Phyllis. I’m not a malicious or vengeful person so I don’t want my actions to be perceived by anyone as such, but I know there is but one way to truly heal and with the help of Phyllis giving me the answers I need I have to heal as best I can my own way.

After that dream this morning, waking up traumatized, and having all these memories just fall out of a box that has been locked for 40 years has made me feel so sad. There is a darkness surrounding me, and I know this darkness well. It’s the very darkness of suicidal feelings that Phyllis drove me to more than once in my life. In the Bible we are told of the husband and wife, “And two shall become one”. In the Hebrew language the word for “One” is Echad. My soul had already fused with Phyllis and we had already become one, but then she tore us apart and ever since that time I’ve felt like I’ve only been a half of a person. The other half of me went on about her life no caring about how she ruined mine.

I need to resume my blog about Phyllis and what she did to me. I feel it’s the only way I’m going to be able to take the steps need to hold on after this most recent time of rejection from her. Just so my readers know a bit of the back story Phyllis has begun phoning me and emailing me back in 2007 and she went on at length about understanding what a mistake she had made marrying Patrick Hickey and that I was the only guy she ever loved. For two years we emailed back and forth and had some phone calls and I just let her unload on me about her horrible life of terror with an abusive man. It was not an easy situation for me to deal with. Part of me was overjoyed she was contacting me because it gave me hope she would leave him and her and I would have a chance to reconnect and repair our relationship. When you are dealing with a woman who has been abused in a marriage for decades however the success rate is very low that the abused woman will leave the abusive husband. I tried to help her formulate a plan of escape. I recently found out from her sister that all of her siblings at one time or another offered their support to help her leave Patrick Hickey, but time after time she’d return to him. The only thing I can imagine was that she didn’t want to divide the assets from the marriage and the only way to get everything would be to outlive her abuser if possible.

So, here I am. I’m a survivor. I don’t feel like much of a survivor though because like a soldier in war I have not come home in one piece. It’s time to delve deeply into what has happened and tell the true story of myself and Phyllis Hogan. The new blog to Phyllis doing just that will begin today. I fear the memories I blocked out so many years ago may just return to whatever hidden place they resided in for all these years and I feel an urgency to begin, in the least, a bullet list of memories that may allow for them not all to vanish again.

I do not know what to expect as I proceed, but I will take you all along with me. At this moment I will thank many of you in advance. Those who may be reading my page for the first time and those of you who have been following my story for years. I have appreciated all the emails from you all that have truly made this road less traveled a bit easier. See you at the new blog!

23 September 2021

Hey Bright Eyes, I got into a bit of a tiff with your go-between the Warrior Princess today lol about a photo of you that I deleted from my blog and even deleted the blog page itself. I think it’s simply just a vestigial photo what will be deleted from Google Images once their web crawler see’s the page no longer exists. It may take a few weeks. I reported to Google I wanted them to remove the photo and that’s the most I can do.

I’m sorry if you are upset about it, but I’ve done all I can do to right the situation.

I have an idea. Like I’m the brainy one here with all the great ideas? lol Why don’t you just have one of your siblings purchase an extra phone on their cell phone carrier account and give the phone to you to use? You can keep it locked up at work and you can contact me on it and the old coot will never have to know. I can’t go on like this. You are killing me. All I want is for us to be able to communicate like adults. I became a psychotherapist to help other people to communicate, but the irony is the person I want to communicate with the most in life is holding me at arms length and I think it’s causing me to short circuit.

I have worked hard to put you out of mind as best I can, but it doesn’t work because his boy never stopped loving you and no other woman could ever take your place. If I don’t have a snowflake’s chance in hell with you one day then you need to just say so and I’ll go away forever and that will give me the closure I need, but if you tell me that then I need answers to the questions that will give me closure. I need to know if you were trying to SAVE US by trying to get me to have sex with you at age 17 so you’d become pregnant and you could hold onto me. Is that what it was all about? You need to explain those actions because in hindsight it all seems it could have been your plan because I remember you showing me your monthly cycle calendar and it was very strange that day when I was visiting you that your mother left us alone in the house while she went out to the grocery or wherever and you immediately told me to come up to your bedroom and when we got there you threw yourself on the bed and asked me to make love to you. It was a good plan, but I was just too much of a “good boy” to have sex before our wedding night. I wanted our love story to be perfect with no stain on it. It all that was your plan to keep me you could have just told me and I would have been game to run off to anyplace that would have allowed us to marry at 17 and 16. You just didn’t let me in on your big plan, and now I need to know in my heart if that was really what you were trying to accomplish that day. Was it a desperate attempt to save us? I have been so tortured by this all these years. I’m not ashamed to say I never stopped loving you, never forgot you, and I never gave myself to another woman. You know the rest of the story where I tried to bury my pain in other ways of coping being without you. Now, I’ve got enough years behind me to know that my mother was in part correct when she said she felt I tried to lose myself in an alternative lifestyle because you left me. I’m not blaming you. I never would. I take full responsibility always for all my mistakes. I am thankful to have gone through a lot of healing work, but at the end of the day the chaff is gone and the wheat remains. That kernel of truth is that the young man you let go never, never, never stopped loving you and even if all I got to have with you are some golden years spent in the same nursing home together they would be the best years of my life.

Please though, be merciful to me. Tell me there is no chance for me or tell me to wait for you. II have to know. I can’t go on like this. Your emails of love you sent me during 2007-2009 gave me the hope that burns in my heart today.

I will find the grace to accept you decision even if it’s the one that will hurt deeply after all these years of hoping.

14 September 2021

So, “Anna”… I’m getting used to writing my thoughts to you here. I feel it was a bit of a shame to take down the other pages where I had journaled to you, but I realized I needed to follow your directions to use the pseudonym of “Anna” for you and because going through the entries and changing everything over to “Anna” would have been a long and tedious chore I just decided to hit delete and start over.

You know, I only recently began reading our emails again that we wrote 2007-2009. I guess you had to delete all those emails, but I kept every one and cherish them because you wrote to me that you still love me, and have thought of me so often over the years after having had made that mistake with “the old coot” as you call him. You know I hadn’t been able to return and read those emails for years because when you stopped writing me I was very sad again. It’s still a bit sad now to read them and feel how close you were to perhaps leaving the old coot, but more than sadness, now when I read them I feel hope renewed by your words therein. I know the innocent, perfect, and true love we found together has still remained flickering in your heart as in mine all these years. If you are the girl I thought I knew back then I know she still survives today, and one day when we see each other again it will be so effortless and simple to just pick up the joy we used to feel together long ago. All the time between will seem like nothing. It will all be gone forever in the past, and we won’t sorrowfully remind ourselves of the time apart. We’ll just be glad that the special love we had was true enough to survive the years apart. We will hold hands again and walk in the park and your eyes will make the skies blue again.

If I have done anything that has hurt you or upset you I want to apologize. I want you to know I’m sorry for anything I may have done that you may feel has wronged you. I hope you can forgive me and my human failings.

13 September 2021

Today was a tough day for me. I cried a lot. Since this COVID pandemic started nearly two years ago I have prided myself in sharing that staying at home has not really changed myself lifestyle. I tell people I grew up on a farm for most of my young years so I’m used to my home being my castle. I’m still a homebody today enjoying my garden that I water every morning, I enjoy being retired with time to spend doing that and studying, cooking, etc. The other day I made blackberry jam. Homemade tastes so much better than the store-bought stuff.

Anyway, today was kinda hard because it was an emotional day for me. I had to let go of something today. I know a lot of my readers have been following a separate blog I had on this site about the girl I was supposed to marry when I was 18. I’m gonna call her “Anna” as that is what she asked to use instead of her real name. Some years back from 2007-2009 we had resumed communicating after a lot of years. I had written things about her using her real name elsewhere on this site, but today I took all that down and from now on will just write about here as “Anna” here. It was an emotional day leading up to this decision because I allowed myself for the first time since 2009 to go back and read through the many emails we exchanged. Allow me to explain a bit more.

“Anna” I had met when we were 14 and began dating, fell in love, and were going to get married. Before our dreams could be realized, my widowed mother got married again and moved my family 1000 miles away and to make the long story short “Anna’s” feelings for me were unable to survive the time needed before I could return to her at age 18 and we become married. I returned to my home state anyway at age 18 still determined we’d accomplish what we had promised to do. Just several weeks after my return “Anna” ran off and had a quickie justice of the peace marriage to a guy I knew as the most psycho evil guy in our school. I was devastated all over again. Years past and I had kept in touch a couple times with her sister and many times with her mother. I kept hoping the disastrous marriage would fall apart and “Anna” would return to me. It didn’t happen because this psycho dude she married had her so mentally abused she was afraid for her life if she tried to leave him. She found me on the Internet and began email me in 2007 and we corresponded a lot over the next two years. She admitted how she was thinking of me on the day she married the psycho. She told me how much she still loved me and that I was the only person that had ever made her feel loved. I tried to convince her of how she could safely get away from her captor and we’d pick up our lives together and be happily-ever-after. She became frightened and fearful of him finding her out and she feared for her life, and so the easy thing for her to do was to stop writing me.

I had to go through another withdrawal almost as painful as the one a couple decades before had been. I tried to close the door on that part of my life, but it was really to no avail. I had begun writing my memoires and she was a big part of my life. Another decade rolls slowly past and she still preyed upon my mind. By inspiration from another author my memoire evolved into an autobiographical novel that focused on this present life and imagined other lifetimes “Anna” had spent together as romantic soul mates.

So, that’s where we are today. Today I decided to take down the other pages about her and her photo’s because firstly and foremost I knew she didn’t want her story known. She will simply be known as “Anna” from now on.

I think perhaps I’m finally beginning to lose hope. Nearly two years I’ve cheated death during this COVID pandemic. I’m one of those people who cannot get vaccinated for medical reasons. As many of my readers know I have an XO/XY Mosaic chromosome pattern because of that pattern if I took the vaccine I’d probably get blood clots all over my body and I’d be dead. Yeah, so, near two years of trying to stayed distanced, masked, safe, has not been so bad, but I guess everybody has their own breaking point. I’ve been trying to stay as positive and safe as possible, but the truth be known all it takes is only tiny breach and with the lung condition I have I’d be a goner in a matter of days.

So, this is what has me down. The thought of never seeing the girl I’ve loved with all my heart for my entire life I may not get to see again before I die. All these years I been thinking that just maybe the evil bastard she’d married would die and go to hell and she’d finally be free and I’d see her again. Well, now with COVID and my 6th decade nearing I’ve just begun to lose the hope I’d had for years.

“Anna”, know that I’m sorry for adding stress and worry to your life with my website. I hope you might understand that it was a cry for help. I guess I’ve finally started to crack a bit under the pressure of this prolonged deadly pandemic and I fear dying without ever being able to see you, touch you, and to hold you one more time and tell you that I have loved you all this time and that your love was the only beautiful thing that ever came into my life. If I could only hold you once more and know that you loved me I’d die a happy man.

I don’t think I’ll ever get that chance now so forgive me for succumbing to desperation. I know you’ve heard the old saying that every day is a gift. How precious is that knowing now. It’s almost as if every hour is precious. I do my best to be safe. I only leave the house once a week to buy food and then I spend the next several days trying to worry about any symptoms appearing from exposure to COVID. It’s as if it’s come down to living from week to week.

I’ve discussed with my friend that I go to the grocery with that I will just began having my groceries delivered. I wish I could somehow hear from you, Bright Eyes.

15 August 2021

I was out watering my garden this morning before the sunrise when quite a beautiful phenomenon occurred. I should have ran inside and grabbed my camera so I had a photo to place here, but I don’t think a photo in this case could take the place of a thousand words.

The sun has not yet risen above the mountains so I became very perplexed when all around me a peach colored bright light filled my garden. When the light came I was bending over filling my watering can. Because I keep the word of our Lord Yeshua in my heart I immediately became aware. I was nearly afraid to look up to see where this beautiful mysterious light was coming from. As I turned my eyes towards the heavens I saw something we rarely see here in the desert. A beautiful cloud was positioned directly above me and was illuminated a beautiful peach color. I looked back down into my garden in wonder at how everything looked so lovely bathed in this peach light. I held out my hand to see the light on my skin and noticed the light was so bright it was casting a shadow. I enjoyed this lovely phenomenon for several minutes before the sun came up over the mountain and began to break through the trees. The lovely light began to fade, but my memory of it will not.

10 August 2021

13 July 2021

Today marks the 58th year since my conception in the womb. I learned something new today. The Christian world for some reason believes from their interpretation of the 9th Chapter of Daniel that it’s the anti-Messiah that will confirm a covenant with many for a week and thing bring about the abomination of desolation in the midst of the week. This “week” becomes the 7-year Tribulation period that is separated into two 3.5 year periods by that abomination of desolation. I’m thinking this is all an incorrect interpretation. Time to seek more truth.

24 June 2021

Link to the Alex Jones video exposing the for profit COVID-19 virus/vaccine planned-demic conspiracy expose video https://www.infowars.com/posts/smoking-gun-one-month-before-covid-outbreak-fauci-moderna-sent-mrna-coronavirus-vaccine-candidates-to-wuhan-lab-linked-doctor/

20 June 2021 – Review: AdvancedBionutritionals.com “Advanced Memory Formula”

Because of some pain in my lower back from what a doctor diagnosed as degenerative disks he prescribed a gabapentin drug called Lyrica that I took for several years and it had some side effects that became debilitating both mentally and physically. First side effect was I was dizzy all the time when walking. Then the memory problems began and got to the point I was constantly running around in circles multi-tasking out of necessity because I was having a bad case of remembering what I’d just come into a room to do or get. I just told myself that I’d move onto another task till when and if my memory got jogged and I could return to doing what I had forgotten.

In April 2021 I watched one of those advertisements that interrupt the videos you watch on Youtube and it was about the memory supplement Advance Memory Formula. Feeling desperate, I ordered one bottle of the product to see if it would help me. It did! The first thing I noticed was my ability to remember my dreams came back to me. Then my moment to moment memory problem began to clear up. I feel like my pre-Lyrica brain has returned and so I’m pleased to recommend to others they give Advanced Memory Formula or even another supplement with the same ingredients a try. I say that because I don’t want anybody to think I’m pushing any companies product for any type of compensation for a good review on what I feel is an over-priced supplement at $39.95 a bottle plus shipping and handling.

My 60-capusule bottle is down to the last few pills and I’m gonna wait before buying more to see if I keep or lose my memory ability that has returned to me the last couple months. I’ll be updating this review to let you all know what I find out.

19 June 2021

More evidence that violence on January 6 at the U.S. Capitol building was all planned by the G_dless Sodomite Democrat party of leftist Communists.

So, here is a link to an Alex Jones video with tons of real time video evidence tha the Jan. 6 breach of our Capitol was a Democrat planned event.


If all you ever watch is the Sodomite news from radical leftist Communists like Rachel Maddow, Don Lemon, Sheppard Smith, among others then you will never know the truth of what’s really going on. These people have a Sodomite agenda that is all part of aiding the Globalist takeover of the USA and the Democrats gladly support these types of people who cannot reproduce together because the New World Order has been working with big pharma to reduce the population of our planet. These murderous Sodomites pushed the sexual revolution that was against families. The support the government created diet that causes arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure, Alzheimer’s, etc., etc., with the same goal of getting you dead quicker all the while feeding you their drugs that help kill you.

I’ve always thought if they really want to bring the planet population down to save the planet and our species then why not do public service announcements on television education people on population destroying our home and encouraging people to have one child or adopting the millions of homeless children on the planet? True, there are those that would turn a deaf ear to such pleas, but a respectable plan to bring down population has to happen. Wars and creation of bioweapons like HIV, Ebola, and COVID-19 are not nice ways to bring down our population.

14 June 2021

Why does Joe Biden have fake Marines guarding the entrances to the White House?

Facebook will not allow any links from the free speech website www.Brighton.com. Facebook doesn’t like the world knowing the truth. https://www.brighteon.com/3546e10a-a772-4e17-afde-cbb98b3ea1a6

What to do if you get left behind by Yeshua the Messiah at the time of the Rapture





This article is based on the idea that there may be enough evidence given from Yeshua that there could be a rapture of Torah observant Wise Virgin saints during the 7-year Tribulation which is different from the 2nd Coming that happens at the end of the 7-year Tribulation. It would appear that we will be here to see a third Temple built in Jerusalem and when the son of perdition sets himself in the Temple as G_d and commits an abomination of desolation. It could be at this point it is possible to be raptured and I’ll break that down next.

If we are to believe Matthew’s gospel in Chapter 24 then I believe we are being lead to believe that Yeshua will rapture his Bride after the famous Abomination of Desolation found in verses 15-25. If we are to believe this is all one continuous teaching or the order that things will unfold however we need to back up a few verses to verse 14 and ask ourselves about, “the gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.” If Christianity is preaching a false gospel that the Law is dead and we no longer have to keep YHVH’s Commandments then this could mean we are still a long way off from preaching the true gospel for a witness unto all nations before the end can come. Let’s continue however to see if Matthew Chapter 24 can be a reasonable guide to when the rapture takes place.

Right after the Abomination of Desolation passage in Matthew 24 we read of Yeshua returning to gather his elect from the four corners of the earth. The verses say this is the coming in clouds of glory and the tribes will see this and mourn basically because they know this story and it’s now too late for them to believe and be saved.

The parable of the fig tree that follows speaks of Yeshua being near, even at the doors. A lot of people believe the fig tree sign is about Israel becoming a nation again in 1948 and those born in 1948 will not all pass away yet and as the limit of man’s lifespan is 120 years that could stretch things out to 2068. However, if you think like Dr. Baruch Korman then you can scratch the idea that this parable is about Israel, 1948, and all that generation stuff before the end. That’s a really HUGE statement on his part seeing that most people don’t see things his way on this issue.

Dr. Baruch Korman did two video’s that carefully go over Scripture to prove the case for the rapture and the 2nd coming being two different events and you can find his video’s at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tngwLagApas He is a good teacher, easy to understand. He is also humble admitting he learning right along with all of us and is not infallible. I do believe he is in error about the parable of the fig tree not being about Israel

Just to be clear about the abomination of desolation, of course Yeshua was fully aware of the abomination of desolation that happened during the Maccabean revolt, but that was sort of like a type and shadow of a future abomination of desolation that is to come. There is no harm and no foul if we have misunderstood the instruction of our Lord Yeshua about all this. Just as the old saying goes, better to be overdressed than underdressed for a party. As always the #1 goal is to ALWAYS be ready for that day and hour no man knows. We must keep ready and watchful (especially since many nefarious characters during the Roman rewrite and compilation of the New Testament have monkied with the texts). I would love to believe in a pre-tribulation rapture, but I can’t prove the Bible supports that. Whenever it may be, just be ready.

Billions of sincere Christians that are sincerely wrong are going to be left behind and not allowed to go in the Rapture. Yeshua spoke of a remnant and only a “few” that will find the narrow gate. The parable of the virgins and the lamps showed that out of all the believers out there that only 50% will be the Bride. So yes, according to the Messiah there will be billions left behind with empty lamps. No oil in your lamp equals no light to see in the darkness and YHVH’s Word/Law is a lamp unto our feet and this is the reason behind the Lawless Foolish Virgins being left behind when Yeshua comes for his Law-keeping Bride. Yes, friends you have been lied to by Christianity’s false teachers to whom grace equals cancellation of YHVH’s Commandments so you can eat non-kosher food and forget YHVH’s Sabbath.


Few non-Jewish people m about the age old wedding tradition of the ancient Jews that survives in some for to this day. Like Yeshua describes in the New Testament writings the timing of His coming to retrieve His Bride is a secret day and hour that only His Father knows. Many believe this comes from Jewish wedding tradition. During the year or so of betrothal (engagement) the Father decides when the wedding will take place and when he has decided “the day and hour” of the wedding he tells his son to go and “lift up” his bride on an “aperion”, and carry her away to her new home. The son had escorts who announced the arrival of the groom in the middle of the night by blowing the shofar.  Some believe this blowing of the shofar for the Bride could relate to the possibility of Yeshua coming for His Bride at the time of Yom Teruah (Feast of Trumpets).  It is my thought that the 7 days of the wedding in heaven parallels the 7 years of Tribulation upon the earth. It could happen, but again, the key is to be ready with real salvation, not the fake salvation offered by the Greco-Roman Jesus of the Christian Babylonian Whore/Harlot system. Remember! Salvation is of the Jews, not the Romans who hijacked the faith and tried to replace the Jews and Judaism with their pork-eating, Sabbath-desecrating invention of Christianity, the Workers of Iniquity.

Yeshua said his coming for his Bride will be like a thief in the night for those who are not ready, but for those who have true salvation his coming will not be as a thief in the night. Just as in the days of Noah and Sodom and Gomorrah all things will be going on as usual and then when those rain drops started G_d told Noah and his family to all enter the ark and G_d sealed the door behind them and those left behind perished because they did not believe. One must consider that the parable of the virgins and the lamps is about much more than 5 virgins who accidently missed the bus. The oil in the lamps has more meaning than just what keeps their lamps lit. Again, Yeshua was very mindful to always remind us that the “workers of iniquity”, those who are not keeping the Law he will not recognize, “I never knew you!” Surely, the lack of oil by half of the so-called believers (virgins) represents those who fell for the lie that we don’t have to keep the Commandments anymore because we are under grace. Being under grace does not mean the Commandments were abolished. Woe unto those who teach such as Yeshua said, “If you love me, keep my Commandments.” Yeshua was not speaking of any added Commandments of His own, but was speaking with the authority of the Commandment Creator. Yeshua repeated the instruction that we are not to add to or take away from the Commandments of Moses like the Rabbi’s have done with their taqanot known as halakah/laws of the Rabbis.

If you have been left behind you now know your beliefs were wrong and now is not the time to argue your interpretation that got you left behind. In my 50 years of seeking the truth I’ve been always hoping to find a teacher that I feel has all the truth. I have been sadly disappointed as there are many who seem to have a lot of correct knowledge, but then they will go off the deep end in a very closed-minded fashion about a certain issue. Michael Rood comes to mind when I think of this as he openly admits he formerly was PAID to be a false prophet. He only now promotes a post Tribulation rapture leaving believers to all suffer through the Tribulation where many will die without true salvation, and then at the end, those of us who are still alive and remain and have salvation will go in a post Tribulation rapture. I keep an open mind, but to me, a post tribulation rapture feels more like “Oh, ye of little faith”. I believe in a G_d who wants to spare His remnant Bride from the Tribulation horrors. Regardless of how it all pans out I will not be one of those, “Oh ye of little faith” people. I seen enough tribulations in my own life so far and I really don’t wanna endure no intense dramas or horrors during the Tribulation so I keep that blessed hope of being spared alive, but never the less whatever comes I will remain faithful to the end.

The foundation of our covenant with the Father is his Law and if we stick with that we will be good. Those of us who have studied enough to show ourselves approved know that translations have been tampered with and we keep an open mind and err on the side of caution, meaning, when in doubt always stick to the Torah. You can’t go wrong clinging to YHVH’s Commandments/Law. I keep my hope in Messiah Yeshua who is coming to rescue His Bride and I don’t care if He shows up on clouds of glory that are lit up by the lights of a huge mothership spaceship where he beams up all up to take us to the Father’s house. Scripture is pretty clear that the prophets Enoch and Elijah both did not die on earth, but were taken up into the heavens on fiery chariots. Yeshua may be coming with the mothership of fiery chariots for us. Don’t be closed-minded when it comes to a being who is far more advanced than you are!

The truth is that you were left behind for 3 reasons. (1) You were wrongly taught that you didn’t have to keep the Law, and (2) therefore you didn’t keep it. That made you, according to Yeshua, “a worker of iniquity”. (3) You never got baptized in the “only name given by which we must be saved”, Yeshua. (Acts 4:12) Jesus and all other names/titles/slogans are NOT the “only name by which we must be saved”. Because Yeshua is a diminutive of Yehoshua/Yahushua you might be safe, but better safe than sorry and used the Scriptural name Yeshua in baptism for the forgiveness of sins. Yeshua said, “He who believes and is baptized will be saved”, but believing means doing! Faith without works of the Law is dead, and baptism in Yeshua’s name is REQUIRED for forgiveness of sins.(Acts 2:38) Remember also, many get baptized without really believing. They have probably just gone through the motions of baptism for acceptance by family or society. It’s for these reasons you were left behind.

I cannot say for sure, but as G_d has always proven Himself to be the G_d of second chances I want to hope, but can’t prove that if you get left behind that you will have a change to make corrections during the Tribulation. If you were someone who was a follower of Roman Churchanity and didn’t keep the Law and may have had a worthless baptism for the forgiveness of your sins because they spoke titles over you like father/son/holy ghost or a false name like “Jesus” and not the Acts 4:12 “only name” of Yeshua then perhaps now you will have a chance to right your wrongs. This is my hope for all of those who were lead astray by false shepherds and wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Yeshua will come like a thief in the night to gather His few Wise Virgins, and the Foolish Virgins who believed they didn’t have to keep the Law will be left behind and shut out of the wedding. I’m telling you that billions of s0-called Christians are going to be left behind and rejected by Yeshua because they had not a love for the truth. Anybody who truly has a love for the truth is going to keep pressing in an seeking with an unquenchable hunger. Now that “knowledged has been increased” with the Internet library of ancient texts and videos that expose false teachings in light of new discoveries there really is no excuse for someone not to seek the truth that will make you free.

I hope we got it right that there will be 144,000 Jewish evangelists during the Tribulation that will be preaching the truth of salvation that I’m telling you now. When the Remnant Torah-keeping Bride is removed from the earth those left behind are going to need guidance and the Father in His mercy seems to be providing such in the 144,000.

In closing, be open-minded and READY for that Torah-keeping remnant Bride rapture. You really don’t want to be left behind. If there is no pre or mid trib rapture and we all must endure the horrors of the Tribulation then I really hope Christians the world over will humble themselves and pray, and NOT fall away from their faith and become cut-throat savages. Personally, I’d be very content to starve to death than to steal food from another human being who is trying to survive. When it comes down to it to die in Christ is gain. I will not love my human body life until the end. It’s the soul you must concentrate on keeping alive by doing the right thing by G_d. Wear your tallit katan so you will look upon the visible to all tzitzit fringes and be reminded of His Commandments.


Are We Just Glorified Apes Genetically Hybridized With an Extraterrestrial Species We Call Elohim (gods)?

The Sumerian Tablets record a history that predates the Jewish Scriptures by many thousands of years? Can that be so? The story of the creation of Adam, and even the story of the world-wide flood that was to destroy all humankind are both there. If the ancient Sumerians had this history before Abraham and Sarah, the first truly knowable characters of the Jewish Scriptures could it be possible that the Jewish recounting of the creation of Adam and the flood are 2nd handed and revised versions of the Sumerian histories?

I’ve asked myself these question for many years since reading the works of Zechariah Sitchin. Can we believe that the Anunakkim of the Sumerian culture were really and advances people from another planet who hybridized their own species with the pre-human species they found on this planet?

This is what history says. How are we to reconcile it with faith in YHVH Elohim of the Bible? This has been something I’ve been trying to figure this out for a lot of years and haven’t gotten any closer to the answer. I’m sure I’m on my way to getting closer to the answers I seek as Daniel the prophet was told to “close up the book till the time of the end when knowledge will be increased”. Certainly there are secrets being kept that will help us understand more in these Last Days. I keep an open-minded faith….

Michael Dellarocca: Harmless Crackpot or Very Dangerous Man in the Making?

UPDATE 31 May 2021: This guy seems to becoming psycho. His last two videos appear to portray a man going off the rails. In this rather scary video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3R-F_kAlnCM this guy is standing in near freezing rain and ranting about bringing about the end of the world and encouraging his followers whom he activates as part of 144,000 warriors to burn down this matrix, whatever that may mean. I hope the FBI is keeping an eye on him.

You can find Michael Dellarocca’s video’s on Youtube if you want to document the claims he makes for yourself. He claims to be the archangel Michael of Scripture. Sounds like another Jim Jones or David Koresh tragedy in the making. Anybody who claims to be the archangel Michael is a crackpot in my book and needs to be watched closely by the authorities before another tragedy happens. This is how death cults get their start. Dellarocca is a very immodest and narcissistic former competitive bodybuilder wand his live video chats are full of women throwing themselves at him as he tries too show as much skin as possible. Just like Satan, Dellarocca quotes Scripture and talks about just enough truth to lure people in. I think he is a very dangerous man leading a lot of people astray. …..just a warning

False Prophet Amir Tsarfati

UPDATED: 17 April 2023 – Holocaust Remembrance Day

Let me be clear from the start. Not only Amir Tsarfati, but anybody prophesying a Pre-Tribulation Rapture is under demonic control to cause as much of humanity to lose their salvation as possible.

If Tsarfati wasn’t going AGAINST YESHUA prophesying a non-Biblical doctrine of demons for a Pre-Tribulation Rapture that would be one thing he could remove from his boo-hoo list.

Matthew 24:4 “Take heed that no one deceives you.” (false prophets like Amir)

Matthew 24:26 “I will not return secretly.” (no secret pre-Trib Rapture)

Matthew 24: 15 “You will be here 3.5 years into the Tribulation to witness the building of the 3rd Temple with the antiChrist performing the abomination of desolation therein.”

Matthew 24:29 “The resurrection of the dead and the Rapture will take place immediately after the Tribulation.”

Amir Tsarfati is a teacher of false doctrines and a false prophet of the non-Biblical pre-Tribulation Rapture which is going to probably lure millions into the Great Falling Away (apostasy) which eventually leads to the Lake of Fire.

Amir Tsarfati’s 2023 deceptive publication to make millions off of those who do not know that a pre-Tribulation is not found in the Bible. As a false prophet Amir Tsarfati is knowingly recruiting for the Great Apostasy that will take many millions to the Lake of Fire.

Matthew 24:5  “Take heed that no one deceives you. For many will come in My name, saying, ‘I am the Christ,’ and will deceive many.” This verse aptly describes the deceiver, Amir Tsarfati.

Amir Tsarfati is a demonically controlled wolf in sheep’s clothing. He uses his fading good looks to make millions of women swoon and believe every word he says. Currently Amir Tsarfati’s net worth is reported to be from 7-8 million dollars. Every penny taken from those he preaches his fear and false prophecies to. He has a Telegram account at https://t.me/beholdisraelchannel

In the April 19, 2023 Telegram post above Amir Tsarfati blatantly stokes “CHAOS, FEAR, AND SUBMISSION”. The Scripture verse 2 Thessalonians 2:7 is about the antiChrist being revealed, yet the false prophet Amir Tsarfati prophesies that the church will already be gone before this event happens. Obviously, Tsarfati is sowing more confusion to his followers so he can get them to buy his latest books that has all the answers.

The Telegram app is where Tsarfati says, “You cannot know what’s going on in Israel unless you subscribe to my Telegram account”. He posts nothing but fearful post after fearful post, and inbetween he pushes his latest book that he is using to get rich on where he is trying to convince his gullible followers that they are going to Raptured away at any minute in a pre-Tribulation Rapture which is NEVER mentioned nor even hinted at in the whole Bible. What’s the advantage to that lie? He rakes in the cash and when the pre-Trib Rapture doesn’t happen he skips out of town to live like a King on millions if not billions of dollars he’s cheated his followers out of. I’ve tried to reason with Amir Tsarfati on every social media or way to contact him possible, but I’ve only been blocked, banned, and ignored. No real Christian would do that to a Christian as Yeshua said, “You will know they are my disciples by their love for one another.” I’ve tried to reach out in love, but just like the Nazi’s of World War II Amir Tsarfati has shot me down. I’m a danger to him raking in more millions.

I had several individual articles on this website exposing false teachings of certain people, but in an effort to keep the size of my website smaller I removed the individual pages this one page resource on false teachers that have come to my attention.

Joyce Myer’s reputation as a false teacher is found all over the internet along with here 2022 net worth of 10 million. Former employees to government investigations into her fraudulent ministry are easy to find. I heard her once say she does not believe in re-incarnation yet Yeshua confirmed re-incarnation several times and if re-incarnation ain’t a thing then you can’t even have the religion of Christianity as they are supposed to believe their Christianity is built on the foundational premise that their Jesus is God incarnated into human form. Go figure… Another worker of iniquity.

Dr. David Jeremiah is another teacher of false doctrine and false prophet. Like Amir Tsarfati he teaches the false pre-Tribulation Rapture which is not found anywhere in the Bible. In this video Dr. David Jeremiah says the Rapture of the church and the 2nd Coming are two separate events creating a false doctrine of 2 Raptures of the church when Scripture only defines one Rapture that is at the time of the resurrection found in 1 Thessalonians 4:16. He deceptively plays a shell game twisting Enoch’s prophesy mentioned in Jude 1:14 as if Yeshua descends from heaven with an already Raptured church to perform a second Rapture at His 2nd Coming which happens “After the Tribulation” in Matthew 24:29. Dr. David Jeremiah’s personal net worth is 25 million dollars as of 2022 that he has made from his product line including book sales of his false doctrines and false prophesies. Another worker of iniquity.

Amir Tsarfati teaches against followers of Yeshua keeping the Law. If you do not keep the Laws of God then that is known as Lawlessness. What does any human have to repent of if you no longer have to keep the Law? Amir Tsarfati makes Christianity a one-way ticket to the Lake of Fire.

Yeshua prophesied of the coming religion of Christianity and called them “the workers of iniquity (Lawlessness)”. To Yeshua there was only the religion of Judaism with fulfilment of the coming Messiah. While today’s Christianity may have had it’s origins in Judaism, Rome hijacked that faith once delivered to the Saints and now it has become a harlot who has forsaken her wedding vows (the Commandments/Law).

Rome created a Lawless Christianity that Yeshua prophesied about and called, “The workers of iniquity”. The Harlot system began in Rome is the Catholic church that abolished God’s 7th day Sabbath replacing it with their sun god Mithras Sun-day worship. The Catholic church even altered the 10 Commandments to remove the Commandment against having graven images/idols since they love all their statues that they pray to. The non-Catholic churches that broke away from Rome in the Reformation may think they are not Catholic, but that’s a delusion. They are simply Protestant Catholics. The Catholics and the Protestant Catholic church’s have all become the “workers of iniquity” claiming a false doctrine they no longer have to keep the Law as Jesus nailed it to the cross so they no longer must keep God’s 7th day Sabbath that he said would be forever, and of course they also think they can break the food Laws and eat pigs. These Foolish Virgins will find out when they get refused entry to the wedding and the Law-keeping remnant of Wise Virgins are taken as the Bride .

All of these false prophets have one thing in common. They are all multi-millionaires living ultra luxurious lifestyles. I could rant about many more, but mentioning these few is enough to make my point.

In closing, I will not leave you comfortless. Following is the most clear and thorough Biblical teaching I’ve seen yet that sets out Scripturally that the Rapture happens at the end of the 7-year tribulation period.