The Gospel of Yeshua According To The Apostle Yochanan
In the beginnings was the Son of Eloah. The Son of El was both with El, and the Son of El was Eloah. This one was in the beginnings with El. All things were made by him; and without him nothing was made, of that which was made. For he is life – This life is the lamp of men. And the lamp does shine in the gloom; but the gloom and darkness do not have power over it.
El sent a certain man – his name was Yochanan. This one came for a witness, in order to give witness from afar.
He is truly a lamp; and he shines on every man in this world. He is eternal; and the world was made by him; but the world does not recognize him, neither the power of his words – even those who do not receive him. Only to all of them who receive him, he gives ability, that they be made sons of El – those who believe in his name, who are not born of blood (that is, by the knowledge of sins), nor of the will of flesh, nor of the will of man, but they are born of the will of El.
And so El was made flesh and dwelt among you. And we saw his light – that he is echad alone, and was brought forth from the Father, who is full of grace and truth.
Yochanan the immerser did witness of him and cried out, saying, “This is he of whom I said that, ‘He who is ready to come after me existed long ago, even before the days’.” And by his completeness all of us have obtained grace; and by him is the grace – for the law was given through Mosheh, truly, grace and truth came through Yeshua Moshiach. No man saw El in eternity; the Son – Echad and only begotten, who is the Son of the Father – this is Eloah echad.
This is his scroll, and this is the witness of Yochanan: When the Yehudim sent priests and [Lewiyim] from Yerushalayim that they should ask him who he was – he confessed and did not deny, but confessed that he was not Moshiach. So they asked him, “If so, who are you? Are you Eliyahu? Are you not a Prophet?” But he said, “No.” Then they said to him, “Tell us who you are, in order that we may return an answer to them who sent us; what do you say of yourself?” He answered, “I am ‘the voice which cries, ‘In the wilderness make the way of Yehovah straight;’ as Yeshayah the prophet had said.” (Now they who were sent to him were of the Perushim.) So they asked him, and said to him, “Why are you immersing, if you are not Moshiach, nor Eliyahu, no Prophet?” Yochanan answered them and said, “I am immersing you in water; however, he whom you do not recognize abides among you. He is ready to come after me – but he was before me – him whose shoelace I am not worthy to draw off.” (These things were done in Beit-Anyah beyond the Yardein, where Yochanan was immersing.)
And on the next day Yochanan saw Yeshua who came unto him; and he said, “Behold, this is El, who takes away the iniquities from the world. It is he of whom I said, ‘After me comes the Mighty one who existed before me, for he is before me.’ And I did not recognize him, but in order that he should be published in Yisrael – because of this I came, and am immersing in water. And Yochanan did witness of him saying, “I, I saw the Ruach descending from the heavens almost as a dove, and remaining upon him. Truly, he who sent me that I should immerse with water – he said to me, ‘He upon whom you will see the Ruach descending, and remaining upon him, this is he who immerses in Ruach Ha-Qodesh.’ And I, I saw it, and am doing witness that his is the Son of El.
And on another day, Yochanan and two of his talmidim stood again, looking at Yeshua as he walked, and said, “Behold the Mal’ach of Yehovah.” And the two talmidim heard him speak, and went after Yeshua. Then Yeshua, turning himself around and seeing them following after him, said unto them, “Come, and see it!” So they came, and saw where he stayed; and they stayed there that day. And it was about the tenth hour. (Now Andrai was the brother Shimon; and Shimon Keipha was one of them twelve, who heard of him from Yochanan, and followed him.) And this one first found Shimon his brother, and said to him, “We, we found Moshiach.” And he brought him unto Yeshua. And Yeshua looked at him, saying, “You are Shimon the son of Yonah, you will be called Keipha.”
As my life begins to come to a close my mind becomes thoughtful of those loved ones I hope to soon meet again, and to those who are left behind that I feel apologetic for all the things I wish you could have been said or we could have done together while there was still time.
Where do I begin? Will the first person I choose to speak about somehow rate higher than others? I don’t want this to be the case. Funny, but as I started to write this the song, Cats In The Cradle, began playing on my Pandora station. I’ll take that as a sign that I should first talk about my father, David Ryan Kirchner who passed away in 2005 from a prescription drug overdose.
I wasn’t blessed to have grown up with my father as after two years of marriage my mother divorced him never letting him know she was pregnant with his child. I think that was an evil thing for my mother to do. I was his child as much as hers and he should have had all rights to have a proper relationship to me starting with being there holding me when I was born. If my mother would have revealed her pregnancy to him could that have been a catalyst for them to fix whatever was wrong in their relationship so I could have grown up with a loving father instead of not knowing him till I was 25-years-old and sought him out on my own?
Imagining my parents being centered in love and forgiveness and having a healthy marriage where I had the chance to growth up in a nurturing environment is a nice fantasy I’ve often entertained since the age of 13 when my mother first revealed to me who my real father was.
It was another of my mother’s drunken evenings when I was 13 that decided to break my heart a bit more as she abusively screamed the question, “Do you want to know who your real father is? It’s not Chuck Hall!” She grabbed me by the hair of the head and shoved me down into a ladderback chair that sat between my fish tank on a chest of drawers and my bedside table, and continued her verbal and physical abuse.
My memory of this event is etched deeply in my memory so please forgive me for giving specific details like the glass bottle of green apple scented body splash that my mother picked up and beat me over the head with. She hit me over the head till the cap broke off the bottle and the entire contents poured over my head and into my eyes and it burned. If only I somehow could have stopped this all from happening like it was a nightmare I could wake up from somewhere over the rainbow. Opening my eyes in a place where these clouds of my childhood were far behind me was not possible. Stopping reality was not possible. My mother was in control and my abused mentally could only respond in one way, taking the abuse, and continuing to be a good boy so hopefully the abuse would not get worse.
This abusive event culminated in my mother taking me with her to the kitchen where the phone book was and looking up the phone number of the home of the parents of my biological father. I filled with fear. I was all eyes as I memorized the page number in the phone book where she found their number with the address of Alton Road in St. Matthews which was not far from where we were living. Why I never called that phone number after that night I do not know. My mother got my dad’s mother on the phone and revealed to her after all these years that she’s had a son by David. I don’t recall the rest of the conversation, but it wasn’t a long one. As usual, the next morning nothing was ever said again about my real father, and as the child of an abusive alcoholic I knew very well not to ever bring the subject up because anytime you confront an abusive alcoholic parent with the abusive behavior or anything they did while drunk it only stirs up more anger in them and you will be get abused even worse the next time they get drunk. This was my life as a kid. This was the mode of regular abuse I endured.
Life had gotten better for the brief 18 months my mother was married to Bob, but then he died and my brief respite from abuse was gone. Thankfully, my mother sought herself out another alcoholic by the name of Charlie Bush and he became my 3rd stepfather. Together they hatched a plan to move us all away from Louisville, Kentucky 1000 miles away to Tampa, Florida. This move prevented me from entertaining any hopes of meeting my real father. I had a whole plan rehearsed where I was going ride my bicycle over to his home where he lived with his parents and I was going to knock at the door pretending to be a neighborhood boy looking to cut lawns for the summer.
It’s difficult to be open about this lost hope of meeting my father. If I could have only met him, maybe he would have fought to keep me and I would have never had to leave Kentucky or the girl I loved. In my imagination the family would agree to have me cut their lawn and they even provided the mower. As I’d return the mower to their garage there would be my father with some woodworking project and I’d show great interest in what he was created and ask him if he’d teach me. I guess you can imagine how the rest of my fantasy unfolded with us growing to know each other and one day he’d say to me, “I wish I had a son like you”, to which I’d reply, “You remember being married to Virginia Hall? I am your son.” How my life could of changed, if only…
Some people get stuck in pride in life and dare not drink from the wellspring of humility and forgiveness as if it were poison to them. People get stuck in their ways and belief systems without keeping an open mind to other possibilities. Why do people get so psycho instead of being easygoing?
Yeah, so my dear father, David Ryan Kirchner, is gone without me ever getting closure on our relationship, but I am thankful we got to have one. I’m thankful I was able to find out what a caring and fun man he was. I’m thankful I was able to know both my mother and father and ultimately know my mother didn’t deserve such a good man. She ran him off like she did every single one of her husband’s, save the one that escaped through death after 18 months of marriage.
I guess I kinda killed two birds with one stone with those recollections from my childhood. You might think I have a lot of resentment towards my abusive mother, but what I have for her is deep pity in my soul and heart that she somehow became the person she was. What was her psychological trauma that made her they way she was? I wonder if she ever knew the family secret that her mother’s grandfather was born into slavery? Certainly, passing for White, but having the skeleton of half White/half Black great grandfather meant that no matter how White you looked, if people where to know your secret they would consider you Black too. Maybe that was part of my mother’s psychological torment that made her such an abusive person? I can imagine if she knew she may have resented her mother for ever having children that would have to bear such a family history in a world that at the time was not very accepting of such.
In August of 1994 I had prepared to have a special conversation with my mother on the 1st anniversary of her death. I had rehearsed a lot of grievances as the months, weeks, and days passed till her yahrzeit arrived. I lit a candle next to her photo that sat atop my fireplace mantle and I began to speak to her as if she were actually there listening. All that anticipation of the day and the preparation came to an immediate screeching halt when it suddenly hit me that she already painfully knew my long list of grievances. Was it a spiritual connection where she let me know she already knew how badly she had hurt me and let me down? All that preparation for that big talk with mom was for not because I knew in my soul that if she could come back just for two minutes she say how sorry she was and she’d hug me and tell me she loved me for the first time in my life. I realized all was left to do instead of airing my grievances was just to let it all go with forgiveness and a great burden was lifted from my heart in 2 seconds and I went on with my day.
I missed so much by not having my father as I should have had all my life. I suffered much from a mother who was very mentally and physically abusive to me. In my heart though all is forgiven because I have hope in my heart that one day I will see them again and they will have reunited before my arrival and I expect the best family hug with the three of us. I admit I don’t fully know how heaven works, but I do hope it’s a grand reunion with all those who have known and loved.
I have shared this thought with only a few people, but my dream is that when I close my eyes in eternal sleep and reopen them on the other side that I will find myself in a glowingly beautiful sunlit meadow of grass and white daisies, Scotch thistles, and milkweed in bloom. Is I am walking I begin to recognize the slope of the rolling meadows and the oak trees and then I know where I am. I am home on my grandparents farm again and as I round the corner of the pasture gate our lake comes into view. Everyone is there fishing and waiting for me to arrive. Grandma, grandpa, mom and dad together, aunt Mary and Uncle Eddie, the cousins, all the great aunts and uncles and their families, even my half brothers and sisters that I don’t have much resolution on yet. Everybody I’ve ever known or loved is there and it’s the best family and friends reunion ever. A lovely new pavilion has been built on the lakeside with picnic tables, grills, and an attached dock that lead out into the water. The best time ever. Family, and the love of family has always been so important to me, and I never got to taste enough of it in my lifetime.
Onto Phyllis Hogan. I guess I’ll go to my grave never really knowing what happened to you that made you jump and marry someone else the month following my April 1982 return to Kentucky for you. And of all people, Patrick Hickey? I remember him from school and what mean person he was. He certainly has the personality to become a Marine. They look for a certain psychological type and he had it in spades. I know you have suffered much for having married such an abusive asshole, so I won’t say anymore about him. I just wish I could know what was going on with you. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve often wondered if your desperation was due to the loss of your father a few years before we met. You and I never talked about your grief over him.
I think back doing that “what if” and “if only” thing. Why was I such a good boy who wanted to wait for marriage for sex? I know the reason. I was so abused into never misbehaving that I didn’t have the ability some people have to give into reckless abandon. Were you trying to get me to have sex with you so you could trap us into an earlier marriage? I suspect you were. Why didn’t you tell me? I was clueless. If you could have explained the plan to me I would have been on board before my mother ever decided to move my family to Florida and I imagine it would have prevented us from ever moving.
So, let me do the math….58 – 15 = 43. Wow! Our oldest child would be 43 now! Of course I know our first would have been a boy. I see him now taking over the farm duties for his dad who just can’t do it all anymore. That’s the way it should be. I’d like to imagine at least some of our kids would have wanted to live on the farm property and build homes there. 20 acres is enough room. Imagine how many grandchildren we’d have running around now! Life would be so full of love and so many blessings. I think we would have moved your mom out to the farm too. She was so lovely and I would not have had it any other way. Your mom and I talked a lot over the years, but not at the end of her life. Did she ever tell you of us talking when you had begun communicating with me again back in 2007? I don’t know if your mom felt she should keep our conversations to herself or not. I just never thought of it. I’ve always been one to keep confidences with people so it’s just part of who I am, not to keep secrets, but I guess you’d say to have special confidential relationships? You mom always made time for me and was so kind. She was a good listener and went above and beyond when she truly had no reason to with me. It was part of who she was, a deeply caring person. I miss her a lot. Gotta take a break now….
Today marks the 58th year since my conception in the womb. I learned something new today. The Christian world for some reason believes from their interpretation of the 9th Chapter of Daniel that it’s the anti-Messiah that will confirm a covenant with many for a week and thing bring about the abomination of desolation in the midst of the week. This “week” becomes the 7-year Tribulation period that is separated into two 3.5 year periods by that abomination of desolation. I’m thinking this is all an incorrect interpretation. Time to seek more truth.
20 June 2021 – Review: AdvancedBionutritionals.com “Advanced Memory Formula”
Because of some pain in my lower back from what a doctor diagnosed as degenerative disks he prescribed a gabapentin drug called Lyrica that I took for several years and it had some side effects that became debilitating both mentally and physically. First side effect was I was dizzy all the time when walking. Then the memory problems began and got to the point I was constantly running around in circles multi-tasking out of necessity because I was having a bad case of remembering what I’d just come into a room to do or get. I just told myself that I’d move onto another task till when and if my memory got jogged and I could return to doing what I had forgotten.
In April 2021 I watched one of those advertisements that interrupt the videos you watch on Youtube and it was about the memory supplement Advance Memory Formula. Feeling desperate, I ordered one bottle of the product to see if it would help me. It did! The first thing I noticed was my ability to remember my dreams came back to me. Then my moment to moment memory problem began to clear up. I feel like my pre-Lyrica brain has returned and so I’m pleased to recommend to others they give Advanced Memory Formula or even another supplement with the same ingredients a try. I say that because I don’t want anybody to think I’m pushing any companies product for any type of compensation for a good review on what I feel is an over-priced supplement at $39.95 a bottle plus shipping and handling.
My 60-capusule bottle is down to the last few pills and I’m gonna wait before buying more to see if I keep or lose my memory ability that has returned to me the last couple months. I’ll be updating this review to let you all know what I find out.
19 June 2021
More evidence that violence on January 6 at the U.S. Capitol building was all planned by the G_dless Sodomite Democrat party of leftist Communists.
So, here is a link to an Alex Jones video with tons of real time video evidence tha the Jan. 6 breach of our Capitol was a Democrat planned event.
If all you ever watch is the Sodomite news from radical leftist Communists like Rachel Maddow, Don Lemon, Sheppard Smith, among others then you will never know the truth of what’s really going on. These people have a Sodomite agenda that is all part of aiding the Globalist takeover of the USA and the Democrats gladly support these types of people who cannot reproduce together because the New World Order has been working with big pharma to reduce the population of our planet. These murderous Sodomites pushed the sexual revolution that was against families. The support the government created diet that causes arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure, Alzheimer’s, etc., etc., with the same goal of getting you dead quicker all the while feeding you their drugs that help kill you.
I’ve always thought if they really want to bring the planet population down to save the planet and our species then why not do public service announcements on television education people on population destroying our home and encouraging people to have one child or adopting the millions of homeless children on the planet? True, there are those that would turn a deaf ear to such pleas, but a respectable plan to bring down population has to happen. Wars and creation of bioweapons like HIV, Ebola, and COVID-19 are not nice ways to bring down our population.
14 June 2021
Why does Joe Biden have fake Marines guarding the entrances to the White House?
This article is based on the idea that there may be enough evidence given from Yeshua that there could be a rapture of Torah observant Wise Virgin saints during the 7-year Tribulation which is different from the 2nd Coming that happens at the end of the 7-year Tribulation. It would appear that we will be here to see a third Temple build in Jerusalem and when the son of perdition sets himself in the Temple as G_d and commits an abomination of desolation. It is at that point it is possible to be raptured. Just to be clear about the abomination of desolation, of course Yeshua was fully aware of the abomination of desolation that happened during the Maccabean revolt, but that was sort of like a type and shadow of a future abomination of desolation that is to come. There is no harm and no foul if we have misunderstood the instruction of our Lord Yeshua about all this. Just as the old saying goes, better to be overdressed than underdressed for a party. As always the #1 goal is to ALWAYS be ready for that day and hour no man knows. We must keep ready and watchful (especially since many nefarious characters during the Roman rewrite and compilation of the New Testament have monkied with the texts). I would love to believe in a pre-tribulation rapture, but I can’t prove the Bible supports that. Whenever it may be, just be ready.
Billions of sincere Christians that are sincerely wrong are going to be left behind. Yeshua spoke of a remnant and only a “few” that will find the narrow gate. The parable of the virgins and the lamps showed that out of all the believers out there that only 50% will be the Bride. So yes, according to the Messiah there will be billions left behind. This is the simple deduction of the Parable of the 10 Virgins and the Lamps. Five left with Yeshua as His Bride, and 5 were left behind and locked out of the wedding.
Few non-Jewish people know about the age old wedding tradition of the ancient Jews that survives in some for to this day. Like Yeshua describes in the New Testament writings the timing of His coming to retrieve His Bride is a secret day and hour that only His Father knows. This comes from Jewish wedding tradition. During the year or so of betrothal (engagement) the Father decides when the wedding will take place and when he has decided he tells his son to go and “lift up” his bride on an “aperion”, and carry her away to her new home. The son had escorts who announced the arrival of the groom in the middle of the night by blowing the shofar. The bride and groom go into the marriage chamber to consummate the marriage. The groom’s father will close the door behind them. When they appear after seven days, the world get to see the bride and rejoice with the groom. The bride and groom go into the marriage chamber to consummate the marriage. The groom’s father will close the door behind them. When they appear after seven days, the world get to see the bride and rejoice with the groom. It is my thought that the 7 days of the wedding in heaven parallels the 7 years of Tribulation upon the earth.
Remember, Yeshua said his coming for his Bride will be like a thief in the night just as in the days of Noah and Sodom and Gomorrah. All things will be going on as usual and then when those rain drops started G_d told Noah and his family to all enter the ark and G_d sealed the door behind them and those left behind perished because they did not believe. One must consider that the parable of the virgins and the lamps is about much more than 5 virgins who accidently missed the bus because they dashed out real quick to get more oil for their lamps. The oil in the lamps has more meaning than just what keeps their lamps lit. Again, Yeshua was very mindful to always remind us that the “workers of iniquity”, those who are not keeping the Law he will not recognize, “I never knew you!” Surely, the lack of oil by half of the so-called believers (virgins) represents those who fell for the lie that we don’t have to keep the Commandments anymore because we are under grace. Woe unto those who teach such as Yeshua said, “If you love me, keep my Commandments.” Yeshua was not speaking of any added Commandments of His own, but was speaking on behalf of His Father. Yeshua repeated the instruction that we are not to add to or take away from the Commandments of Moses like the Rabbi’s have done with their taqanot.
If you have been left behind you now know your beliefs were wrong and now is not the time to argue interpretation. In my 50 years of seeking the truth and always hoping to find a teacher that I feel has all the truth. I have been sadly disappointed as there are many who seem to have a lot of correct knowledge, but then they will go off the deep end in a very closed-minded fashion about a certain issue. Michael Rood comes to mind when I think of this as he openly admits he formerly was PAID to be a false prophet. According to him he formerly preached the pre-trib rapture, but now that he acts like nobody hears from G_d, but him. Everybody else are liars. He only now promotes a post Tribulation rapture leaving believers to all suffer through the Tribulation where many of us die, and then at the end, those of us who are still alive and remain will go in a post Tribulation rapture. I keep an open mind, but to me, a post tribulation rapture feels more like “Oh, ye of little faith”. I believe in a G_d who wants to spare His remnant Bride from the Tribulation horrors.
The foundation of our covenant with the Father is his Law and if we stick with that we will be good, but because those of us who have studied enough to show ourselves approved know that translations have been tampered with we keep an open mind and err on the side of caution. I keep my hope in Messiah Yeshua who is coming to rescue His Bride and I don’t care if He shows up on clouds of glory that are lit up by the lights of a huge mothership spaceship where he beams up all up to take us to the Father’s house. Scripture is pretty clear that the prophets Enoch and Elijah both did not die on earth, but were taken up into the heavens on fiery chariots. Yeshua may be coming with the mothership of fiery chariots for us. Don’t be closed-minded when it comes to a being who is far more advanced than you are!
The truth is that you were left behind for 3 reasons. (1) You were wrongly taught that you didn’t have to keep the Law, and (2) therefore you didn’t keep it. That made you, according to Yeshua, “a worker of iniquity”. (3) You never got baptized in the “only name given by which we must be saved”, Yeshua. (Acts 4:12) Jesus and all other names/titles/slogans are NOT the “only name by which we must be saved”. Because Yeshua is a diminutive of Yehoshua/Yahushua you might be safe, but better safe than sorry and used the Scriptural name Yeshua in baptism for the forgiveness of sins. Yeshua said, “He who believes and is baptized will be saved”, but believing means doing! Faith without works of the Law is dead, and baptism in Yeshua’s name is REQUIRED for forgiveness of sins.(Acts 2:38) Remember also, many get baptized without really believing. They have probably just gone through the motions of baptism for acceptance by family or society. It’s for these reasons you were left behind.
I cannot say for sure, but as G_d has always proven Himself to be the G_d of second chances I want to hope, but can’t prove that if you get left behind that you will have a change to make corrections during the Tribulation. If you were someone who was a follower of Roman Churchanity and didn’t keep the Law and may have had a worthless baptism for the forgiveness of your sins because they spoke titles over you like father/son/holy ghost or a false name like “Jesus” and not the Acts 4:12 “only name” of Yeshua then perhaps now you will have a chance to right your wrongs. This is my hope for all of those who were lead astray by false shepherds and wolves in sheep’s clothing.
Yeshua will come like a thief in the night to gather His few Wise Virgins, and the Foolish Virgins who believed they didn’t have to keep the Law will be left behind and shut out of the wedding. I’m telling you that billions of s0-called Christians are going to be left behind and rejected by Yeshua because they had not a love for the truth. Anybody who truly has a love for the truth is going to keep pressing in an seeking with an unquenchable hunger. Now that “knowledged has been increased” with the Internet library of ancient texts and videos that expose false teachings in light of new discoveries there really is no excuse for someone not to seek the truth that will make you free.
I hope we got it right that there will be 144,000 Jewish evangelists during the Tribulation that will be preaching the truth of salvation that I’m telling you now. When the Remnant Torah-keeping Bride is removed from the earth those left behind are going to need guidance and the Father in His mercy seems to be providing such in the 144,000.
In closing, be open-minded and READY for that Torah-keeping remnant Bride rapture. You really don’t want to be left behind. If there is no pre or mid trib rapture and we all must endure the horrors of the Tribulation then I really hope Christians the world over will humble themselves and pray, and NOT fall away from their faith and become cut-throat savages. Personally, I’d be very content to starve to death than to steal food from another human being who is trying to survive. When it comes down to it to die in Christ is gain. I will not love my human body life until the end. It’s the soul you must concentrate on keeping alive by doing the right thing by G_d. Wear your tallit katan so you will look upon the visible to all tzitzit fringes and be reminded of His Commandments.
PRINT OUT THIS PAGE NOW AND KEEP IT IN YOUR BIBLE JUST IN CASE SO YOU WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO IF YOU REALIZE YOU HAVE BEEN LEFT BEHIND.
The Sumerian Tablets record a history that predates the Jewish Scriptures by many thousands of years? Can that be so? The story of the creation of Adam, and even the story of the world-wide flood that was to destroy all humankind are both there. If the ancient Sumerians had this history before Abraham and Sarah, the first truly knowable characters of the Jewish Scriptures could it be possible that the Jewish recounting of the creation of Adam and the flood are 2nd handed and revised versions of the Sumerian histories?
I’ve asked myself these question for many years since reading the works of Zechariah Sitchin. Can we believe that the Anunakkim of the Sumerian culture were really and advances people from another planet who hybridized their own species with the pre-human species they found on this planet?
This is what history says. How are we to reconcile it with faith in YHVH Elohim of the Bible? This has been something I’ve been trying to figure this out for a lot of years and haven’t gotten any closer to the answer. I’m sure I’m on my way to getting closer to the answers I seek as Daniel the prophet was told to “close up the book till the time of the end when knowledge will be increased”. Certainly there are secrets being kept that will help us understand more in these Last Days. I keep an open-minded faith….
“I found your diary beneath a tree and started reading about me.”
~lyrics to “Diary” by Bread 1972
Phyllis, many will say that there are plenty more fish in the sea, but I say, “Not for me”.
Everything after you has been like how a drug addict continually seeks a new drug to take the heartache away. Thank G_d I never became a drinker or a drug user.
I placed myself into all kinds of bad situations and experiences hoping to lose myself or find myself in them, but that was escapism. I wanted to be anybody as long as I wasn’t the person I was left being without you. All those needless things I went through trying to escape a life that felt ruined. Nothing else I pursued satisfied.
Somehow life has gone on for years without you, but nothing ever vanquished the memories in my heart of the girl I dreamed would be my bride in white, and mother of my children. I’ve imagined the mile stones in the lives of the children we never had. By now I guess we’d have grandchildren on the family farm in LaGrange, growing up where I grew up with the beautiful meadows, the spring, the pond and lake, cattle, chickens, evenings on the front porch swings.
Memories of a true love unfulfilled. I imagine events that never happened to somehow salvage lost years, and fill pages of a cherished scrapbook that never got to be.
My prayer is to be reunited with you before my time on earth is gone. To hold your hand again before I close my eyes for the last time. To know you did love me as much as I have loved you. If not I can still imagine finding you in heaven and there we will be surrounded by the children that were meant to be.
If I must wait till the next re-incarnation to be with you again I’ll be sure to get you pregnant at the earliest possibility to ensure you will be mine. Do you know how many times I kicked myself in the head for not having sex with you when you asked me to? Little did I know you were trying to consummate our union with a child that day. Silly me, wanting to wait till after the wedding to do that. Lesson learned.
AND So…. I write you letters by the thousands in my mind, and some of them actually get recorded here in this journal…
30 July 2021
Phyllis, I often take memories of us and revision them. Often when I’m doing therapeutic and meditative things like cooking it gives me time to think. This morning I was making my pitcher of juice for the next couple days. The juice I make is really good, by the way 🙂 It’s equal parts celery, carrot, beet, blackberry, and tamarind. Anyway, this morning while preparing it I was thinking back to that night when you and I went out to dinner at that restaurant in the hotel across the river in Indiana. It’s a very sweet memory and it was a wonderful evening we had at our own table while my family ate at another table. In my imagination this morning I revisioned the evening. It’s so easy to revision things when looking at them in hindsight. I imagined however that I used that lovely evening to ask you to become my wife and present you with an engagement ring. Oh, how wonderful life would have been if I had done that. I think we both would have been spared many heartaches over the last 40 years.
Today, I wanted to imagine a photo of you and I together so I took the photo you had taken at your birthday and gave me and tried to blend it together with a photo of mine from about the same time. I’m not good at photoshop, but the photo still gives me a warm feeling. I wish it could be a real photo of the two of us together. G_d willing, there may come a day when we take such photo’s together again.
I hope you are well and feeling happy today. My dogs Molly and George had a couple puppies a few weeks ago and they been keeping me busy. Here are a couple pics of Molly and George, and their two sons, Pugsley puddle pup, and his smaller brother wee Willie. I had to supplement Willie with bottle feeding for the first couple weeks because he was not very strong and I was afraid I’d lose him. They had just begun to open their eyes when I took this photo. They are a couple weeks older now and much bigger and fluffier.
I remember your dog Princess the white Samoyed you used to have. Have you had other pets? For 16 years I had a couple of Lhasa Apso’s and their names were Becky and Spyke. More times than I can count I’ve mistakenly called my current dogs, Molly and George, by their names. They were sweet little friends and I miss them. Ah, Pugsley and Willie are waking up from their nap and starting to whine. I better get up and let Molly in to nurse them. Have a nice day 🙂
12 July 2021
Phyllis, several days ago, by the grace of G_d, I reconnected with my best friend Danny from my high school years. It’s crazy to see him now with a son and daughter as old as we used to be when we knew each other. It’s been nearly 30 years since we last saw each other, but we reconnected nearly like picking up where we left off. It’s amazing how good memories quickly bridge the gap of years that past by without seeing each other. I am thankful for reconnecting. When I graduated from high school, and was more than ready to get out on my own, Danny and his roommates gave me a place to begin.
It takes me back, of course, to the scary memories of life with my abusive alcoholic mother. I was telling Danny how everyday at school I would dread when the final bell would ring and it was time to take the school bus home. The moment that last bell rang my anxiety level would rise as I’d begin being fearful of what I would find a home. Would this be another one of my mother’s drunk and abusive nights or would there be calm. Would there be blood tonight or peace.
I tell you this because I need you to know that even though my mother was horrible to me even till the day she took her last breath on this earth that I have forgiven her. It was August 1994 which was the 1st anniversary of her death and I’d lit a candle next to her photo on my fireplace mantle and I’d rehearsed a lot of bones I wanted to pick with her. I stood there and drew in a slow deep breath as I closed my eyes seeking clarity, and I asked, “Mother, where do I begin?” I suddenly felt a sweet peace come over me as I had an epiphany. I said, “Mama, your on the other side now with no veil to conceal anything. I had a long list of things I wanted to tell you, but this moment, in an instant, I understand that you already know everything I was gonna say. You know how much you broke my heart with all the things you did to hurt me in this life. Even though you had hate in your heart till you took your last breath, I know if you could only come back for two minutes you would say,’I’m sorry’, and you’d put your arms around me and tell me you love me for the first time ever.”
I walked away from her candle lit photo on the mantle with peace and release through the forgiveness I gave her and one day I hope I will be able to see her on the Other Side where “all the former things are past away”. One loving hug from her on the other side will make up for a lifetime of abuse.
Phyllis, I am telling you about Danny and my mother today because I want you to know about the power of forgiveness in my life and how many years passing are nothing when you reunite with someone you care deeply about. These two events in my life give me a similar hope about you. If it be G_d’s will and Patrick leaves this world before you or I do then I really hope you will want to see me again. I can’t imagine you ever had any love for Patrick and especially not now after all the years of abuse you have suffered from him, but one day when he is gone you will be free from your vow and I will be free as well to see you in respect to G_d’s Law. I remember how your eyes and everything about you sparkled when you’d smile at me and I’d give anything to see that sweet smile of yours again that comes from a heart that never stopped loving me, Bright Eyes.
5 July 2021
I was in prayer today asking our heavenly Father why he gave you two unsupportive sisters like Joan and Zina. Zina saying she didn’t like to get involved in her friends/family’s marriages really stuck a cord, a sad one.
I asked G_d why you have sisters that are so heartless. That still small voice (1 Kings 19) said, “Just as the Nazi’s in Germany extinguished the life of my people, Joan and Zina are spiritual Nazi’s. With a touch of a button they deleted you so they didn’t have to face their conscience. Just as Hitler found out his final solution would be no final solution, neither of them pressing the delete button on you will be a final solution to their seared consciences.” Then that still small voice spoke again, “Zina says she does not want to get involved in friends/family’s marriages. If she would have gotten involved in her own marriage with John Gelona she wouldn’t be divorced now and living in an unnatural relationship with another woman.”
Why do people choose to be so evil and uncompassionate in this world? Yeshua said, “What you do to the least of these you also do to me”. Every deed, good or bad done in this world is being written in the Lamb’s Book of Lives (aka Akashic Record).
4 July 2021
Well, Phyllis, it’s another sad day. You sister Zina finally wrote back to me on Ancestry.com with this message:
This was her blow off response before she blocked me from contacting her on Ancestry.com.
Notice the MOST IMPORTANT thing she wrote about her lack of concern for your welfare: “I try not to get involved in my family’s and friend’s marriages.”
I’m really horrified how both Joan and Zina don’t seem to give a shit about you. I don’t even know if they know or care how much Pat Hickey has abused you all these years and that you live under the threat of him killing you if you were to ever leave him. I sure hope we don’t see a day when you show up dead at Pat’s hands and all Zina or Joan have to say is they didn’t want to get involved. It is so sad they have such a lack of care and concern for their own sister.
I don’t know Phyllis, maybe you have abused spouse syndrome or something and you never have told your sisters the things you told me or told Donna at your former job at the jeweler in Prospect. That lady was a good soul. She was really frightened about all she witnessed between you and Patrick and things you told her about his abuse to you.
I am so sorry your own family does not care enough about you to become involved. What I am sorry about most of all is I feel responsible for the situation you find yourself in. I will assume that the day you wanted me to have sex with you was because it was your fertile days and you wanted to become pregnant so it would force our families to allow us to be married. You didn’t communicate that to me so I interpreted it the wrong way. If I had only done what you wanted then you would have never married Patrick Hickey and you would have had a wonderful life with me and we would have the happiness of children and grandchildren. Life would have been so different and lovely for both us had I followed your lead. Instead, both of us have suffered greatly. I’m sorry.
3 July 2021
I noticed your mother was not married next to your father. Why is that? Why is she buried in Louisville and he is buried in Cave City? That’s something else that boggles my mind. Were they in an unhappy marriage that your mom didn’t want to be buried next to your dad? I don’t know the answer, but knowing they are not buried together as husband and wife makes me feel sad.
2 July 2021
Just so you know, this blog is not a “one time entry” type of blog. I’ll probably be often repeating certain memories or questions I’ve had as they return to mind for this or that reason. Guess it will be like listen to old people’s war stories, so to speak. I remember stories I’d heard from my grandmother so many times that I’d often tune out while she was repeating a story for the umpteenth time. Now, I find myself clinging tenderly to each and every one of those stories I can remember as a way to keep her alive in my mind. I greatly miss my grandmother. She was part of me. I have often said that I feel we shared a soul between us.
What I was going to be sort of repetitive today on concerns Ancestry.com and my contact with Joan and my attempted contact with Zina. I already knew from years ago that Joan was a bit of a firebrand so it was no surprise to me when she treated me nasty, but the surprise was that she treated me so badly and said such ugly things to me when she claims to be such a Christian. Yeshua had a lot to say about hypocrites. Aside from Joan, as I said, I’ve also tried to contact Zina on her Ancestry.com account.
As you can see below, I wrote a very nice message to Zina and she read it as you see the time stamp that is places on a messages that that have been read by the recipient. It’s there, just below my message, bottom right. As the usual such courtesy I waited three days for a reply and was going to message her again, but waited till the 28th and wrote her again to express my disappointment. She read that note the next day and did not respond to that one either.
If either Joan or Zina would have kindly explained to me why they did not want to be of assistance to me I could have graciously accepted that and moved on cause that’s the kind of person I am. Instead, both of them chose behavior that exhibits their like of care for my feelings, or anyone else’s feelings for that matter. It’s about character. When you treat one innocent person in a hurtful fashion you will treat all others the same way.
1 July 2021
Another year half over. Hey, do you remember Spring Break 1978? I know you do because remember I came back from Spring Break all tanned after spending a week in Fort Lauderdale, and Key West. I thought of that today because it’s just one of those lovely summer day’s when you wanna say to your friends, “Let’s all go to the water park!” Have you ever been to a water park? I remember you had purchased a turquoise-colored one piece and you sent me pictures of you it. I believe it was in the photo’s I returned to your with your Raggedy Ann doll? Did you keep all the photos or did you feel unsafe keeping them because of your abuser? I can still see all the photo’s in my memory.
I was wondering if you took a liking to eating Sushi when you lived in Okinawa? I love sushi. I prefer just the fish cause rice turns to sugar and my body don’t like sugar. Many places don’t know how to make sushi rice well anyways so it’s not worth eating it, but I know places where the sushi rice is prepared the perfect way it’s supposed taste and I’ll treat myself to a couple of pieces of sushi with the rice when it’s that good.
Were conditions good with the Japanese when you were there. I know for a long time American’s were hated there because many of the American service men raped the Japanese women and even murdered quite few of them. Did you ever have trouble there? Did you become fluent in Japanese? Oh! A funny memory. Do you remember telling about a day at school when you were in line at the bookstore and you commanded, “Hey Jap! Give me a pencil?”
My mother liked Florida a lot. It was a favorite vacation site for us and we’d always drive all the way down to Lake City, Florida and stay the first night and drive the rest of the way down to our destination the next day. I remember that first night in April 1978 after we settled into our hotel room we ventured out walking to a restaurant and the warm tropical breeze that felt so luxurious brought with it music as it flowed out of some establishment. I’ll never forget the song was Alicia Bridges singing, I Love The Nightlife. She had a unique voice. She’s dead now along with so many of the people that sang the music that is like a personal soundtrack of the memories of my life. Remember how you and I used to sit in the dining room of your home and listen to Simon & Garfunkel, and the Beach Boys on vinyl records? Does anybody still have those records? They are probably collectors items today.
28 June 20
Although David Gates of the band Bread wrote “Everything I own” about his father, many people like myself relate through the song as if it were about a broken relationship. I know many, many times this song would catch me by surprise on the radio and my heart would break all over again, Phyllis.
19 June 2021
Friends and family always used to tell me, “You’ll heal in time”. I did a lot of things to try to heal. After a couple years I got the bleeding to stop. Graduating high school opened up a whole new busy world to keep my mind off you. I registered for college, but then just before classes were to start I flew off to Europe with a backpack and $400 dollars in my pocket. My heart scabbed over, but it took a long time for a tough scar to form over the last 30 years. Now, that I’ve entered to last years of my life I’ve been reviving memories and asking questions that I tried to block out over the years.
The memories and questions have intensified since I began writing my book. Speaking of that book, you know I contacted your sister Joan and asked her to have you contact me because I wanted your permission for the publishing to have you in my book. Joan said some really nasty things to me and then she blocked me from writing back to her. After the way she treated me I was really shocked to see on her Facebook page that she is all about being a Christian, but you sure wouldn’t know it from her actions.
I had been writing my own life story for years, but didn’t feel enough heart about my own story that it would be interesting enough without a lot of other characters and interesting situations. Over the last few years as I have been watching my Outlander series it inspired me to take a bit of a turn to have my book to become a novel. Where the book takes a turn is that it is no longer only an autobiography of this life, but I’ve added the reincarnation theme to the book that begins with me doing a past life regression to the civil war period when you and I shared another lifetime together as husband and wife.
Writing my book so things are historically correct is important to me. I’ve spent years researching the various periods I write about where you and I shared previous lifetimes together, always finding each other again as soul mates. All the researching and trying to create stories of other lifetimes caused me to delve deep into this lifetime of memories with you. While I was out in the garden this morning feeding the ducks I was wondering why you didn’t value me returning to Kentucky to live when I was 18 with plans to marry you. So many of your actions I just don’t understand, but I’d like to understand. A lot of questions come up in my mind as to your motivations for things you did, but they are all imaginations. One day I hope we will have long talks about what lead you to take certain actions when we were teens.
14 June 2021
It’s me again. I have to say that writing this journal to you takes a lot of courage on my part. It’s not an easy thing to do, but I feel it is a necessary thing that I do.
When you and I were together the briefs hours we would spend together were never spent getting to know each other deeply, psychologically. As I never met my father until I was 25-years-old I cannot know what you went though loosing your father a few years before we met. Also, you cannot know what I suffered with an abusive mother who tried to stab me to death when I was 12-years-old.
What I suffered as a child and teen with my mother was horrible, but what became part of my psyche and strength was the knowing that I survived. Out of utter chaos and terror was born a person that had learned that every day survived was like a new lease on life where anything was possible. Where there is life there is hope, the saying goes.
These experiences shaped the person I grew into that remained full of hope for tomorrow. What does one have to loose when only hours the day before their life could have been taken away? Perhaps those abusive childhood experiences that shaped the person I became made me hyper unafraid to take chances in life, often leaping without looking.
Even though you leaving me for another man broke my heart deeply it provided the rest of my life with a foundation. Once you’ve hit bottom there is no place to go but up. I was lost and no longer has a compass, but the training of my abusive childhood allowed me to continue on even after all hope was lost, but I continued on with reckless abandon.
My mother would always say the turn my life took after you was because I never wanted to be hurt by putting my hopes in a woman ever again. She saw my reckless path as a way to avoid any and all emotional entanglement. At the time I thought my mother had no clue to what I was going through, but after I spent enough years trying to find my way I believe she was right, in part. There were two girls in my life after you left me, but I never allowed myself any emotional attachment to them. I only allowed myself to get so close and then I’d back away. They were like a test to see if I had any emotions left after you had deserted me. I learned I did still have emotions, but I knew I could never trust again, and so my life too a direction that would ensure I’d never have my heart broken again.
Getting back to you… I’ve always wondered what made you do the things you did. How you could tell me you love me and agree to wait for me and be my wife and then suddenly change and run off with another just when I’d returned to live near you so we could begin to understand and repair our relationship. I was just getting my grandmother used to the idea that I was talking with you again when you took it upon yourself to show up that night at my grandmother’s home with no notice. You and I had not even gotten to the point of discussing the idea of seeing each other again and here you just show up at my grandmother’s home with no warning.
What was going on in your head that made you feel it was appropriate to come to my grandmother’s home when I had no even disclosed her address. I remember you telling me because you knew her name you asked town’s folk where she lived and that is how you found the farm. While I appreciate the spunk, my grandmother was quite shocked and found your behavior quite inappropriate. Don’t forget my grandmother was from a different time having grown up in the Victorian era when ladies just didn’t act like that.
I think my grandmother would have seen such actions as controlling, and deceitful, and without care for how your actions would affect others. All she knew of you is what she’d been told by my mother and myself, much more from my mother I’m sure. Your actions were disrespectful to my grandmother and her home. You just took it upon yourself to come there uninvited. I believe, after a stunt like that, my grandmother would have taken a long time to forgive such behavior and take the chance to get to know you. I have to realized also that my grandmother may have never believed me that you came there uninvited. I have to also take into account that my grandmother may have felt threatened by you. She probably felt you had the power to take me away from her because of my love for you. Had everything worked out the way I had wanted you and your mother would have come out to meet my grandmother on an invited and much anticipated occasion. As my plan would have progressed we would have been married and made our home there at the farm. I imagined building a home of our own down near the lake where we’d start a family, and we’d still be there today continuing the family farm with beef cattle, chickens and the garden with all the little helpers that would have come into our life.
I’m sure you’ve seen that old movie with Jimmy Stewart, It’s a Wonderful Life? Imagine how perfect it all could have been? Instead, you forfeited love and children for an abusive psycho named Patrick Hickey that you hardly knew and you ran off and married him barely within a month of my return to Kentucky to make you my own bride. I have to ask in the most respectful way, what in the world was going on in your head that made you do such desperate things? Were you suffering from the death of your father a few years before we met? Did he leave an emotional pit inside you that was desperate to be filled? You actions made me feel like I was nothing more to you than a type of band-aide for something you were suffering from. If I didn’t give you what you wanted you were going to move on quickly to get it from another man. You were on a mission to get married to any man to fill some need, but that need was not love was it? I’m just grasping at straws trying to understand why you did what you did. I’ve never been allowed any answers. I’m sure you’ve had many years to understand why you did what you did and also many years to regret jumping into a marriage with an abusive man. I’d really like you to fill in the blanks one day and tell me what you were going through that made you make such poor decisions.
Let me close by saying that I’m only looking to understand. Please don’t take anything I say or ask as if I’m angry. The past is the past and forgiveness is the only path to put pain of the past behind us and be able to live in love in the here and now. I believe that all things happen for a reason so I try to live a life without regrets, and know that G_ds work’s all things together for good.
4 June 2021
13 years ago you sent me this photo of you. It’s hard to believe it’s been 13 years. Is that an opal you are wearing around your neck? I see you are wearing pearls…they suit you. When I see you in pearls, I know it’s silly, but it makes me think of that favorite series I watch called Outlander. In the series Jamie gave Claire a strand of pearls that had belonged to his mother. Being a gemologist I imagine you’ve gathered quite a collection of jewelry.
It appears you hair has begun to lighten a bit over the years, maybe a touch of grey starting? Do me a favor? Never hide your true hair color. I know you mother and my mother both used to use red hair color to enliven their former brighter red hair color, but I prefer natural. I love grey hair color and I think you look just as stunning with grey and sparkling blue eyes. I imagine you have more gray now these 13 years later.
Today I found this video in my subscription list. It’s about prophecies concerning our Messiah Yeshua. Rabbi Kaduri’s prophecies concerning the return of Yeshua will either be proven true or false this coming in just a couple weeks. June 23, 2021 is the date. I’m not a date setter believer, but I believe that everyone should simply be READY AT ALL TIMES. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8Y8H81zgxk&t=758s
29 May 2021
Today I was going through old photos from when I lived in France. I was deleting photos I no longer wanted to be reminded of the contents. I have found that I often need to purge stuff that piles up. I prefer a minimalist lifestyle with not too many possessions. Too many possessions makes me feel like there are too many things to keep track of and so an uncluttered life makes for an uncluttered mind. I remember when I moved from my house I had in South Dakota to California. When you have a house you sure do have a lot of room to collect stuff. Before moving I did a big purge even letting go of furniture and things my grandmother had given me. I felt hanging onto so many things for sentimental reasons was close to a mental disorder like hoarding. I felt that as long as I had the memories then that was the most dear thing to my heart, not the object itself.
In other thoughts… I had thought of something yesterday that I wanted to mention to you, but forgot to write about it at the time. Remember that conversation we had about why you and Patrick never had children together? I’ve often wondered about that. I come across places in the Bible where women could not conceive like the famous story of Sarah and Abraham, yet G_d opened her ability to conceive after she had thought she was too old to have a baby. My point being that G_d does have control over the blessing of if a couple has children or not. I don’t want it to sound like I’m being mean, but I have often wondered if G_d didn’t allow you to have children with Patrick because I was supposed to be the father of your children. There have been moments in my life when I missed being a father. In particular, and I think it was when you had been calling me in 2008, I was walking home from the gym one day and I always pass a school yard that’s a big sports green surrounded by a tall chain link fence to keep baseballs and such from flying out into the street. One day I saw some little leaguer’s having a baseball game. I just gave them a passing glance while I was walking, but for some reason I suddenly stopped to watch one little boy who was up at bat. I turned and stood with my nose to the fence and my fingers through the fence holding on while I watch to see if he’d strike the ball. I felt this deep pang of emotion hit me. I knew there was an empty place inside me that just for an instant wanted to imagine that was my little boy up at bat that I was so proud of. As tears came out of my eyes I pulled myself away from the fence and reprimanded myself for being such a silly goose. It is a vacant spot in my life though.
28 May 2021
I was watching a few episodes from my favorite Outlander series today. It’s really an awesome series for many people around the world to watch. I can only hope that you watch it and it brings out many feelings deep inside like it does me. Watching the love story between Claire and Jamie growing stronger with all the terrible trials they go through makes me think of how my love for you has remained alive after all these years. I have found that is how true love works. Love never dies. You can push it away, but it never dies. My grandmother used to say that love can turn to hate, but certainly you never did anything to make me feel that way. I know you were confused and it seemed you were somehow desperate to be married. Was it because you were suffering from death of your father who passed away three years before we met? I’ve often wondered about that and it seems like a likely answer. My heart was so tender because of your love for me and you were my everything.
As I believe in reincarnation and soul mates I know you and I were meant to be together, but what I wonder is if I’ll ever be blessed to look into your eyes again in this lifetime. Remember when we’d sit in the kitchen of your home and just look into each others eyes and feel so much love?
When I think of how you have suffered all these years with that guy you left me for I feel very sad because you or nobody deserves to be abused and kept like somebodies prisoner. The things that you had told your co-worker Donna in confidence I think she felt a need to tell someone, the only person she knew to tell that might be able to help you get away from that abusive man. Don’t be upset with her for all the many things she told me because I knew she only told me because she was concerned for your safety.
The times we talked on the phone in 2008 gave me hope that you do still love me. I guess I spoke too soon about the idea of helping you get away from Patrick and you became fearful and bolted. I wish somehow you would contact me again so we could have some conversations. There are so many conversations we never got to have.
Over the years I developed my favorite picture in my mind of you. Would you be curious to know how I settled on a certain image of you of when you looked the prettiest to me? I hope you don’t have unpleasant memories associated with the time you worked for Grover and Geneva, but when you dressed for work you’d have your hair all pinned up on your head. With your hair up it really showed how beautiful you are and the crisp white uniform dress you wore added to you beauty. You may wonder why I’d think anybody looked good in such a uniform, but it was all white, and you looked so pretty with your hair up. I think I probably relate it to day I was hoping to see you in an all white dress becoming my wife.
One thing I thought of today about another connection to the Outlander series. Of course, for me, the main characters Jamie and Claire represent you and I. In the series Claire time travels by accident and leaves behind a husband in 1968. Obviously, he is not the true love of her life that she was meant to be with. When she time traveled back in time she found the true love of her life she was meant to be with. She was married to one man in the future and married to another man in the past. What a strange similarity to you and I. I know you probably feel I’m stilly for thinking of such similarities, but to me somehow they are glaring similarities. Your red hair and my brown hair with auburn undertones, just the same as Jamie and Claire’s hair colors.
I hope you are still out there in the world and still safe from COVID. I haven’t taken the vaccine. I’m afraid of it since it has that mRNA DNA stuff in it. With no testing only G_d knows what that vaccine might do to people years down the road. Being retired I don’t have to worry about being out in the work force and I am a homebody enjoying my gardening and home so I my usual lifestyle hasn’t changed much with quarantines and such and therefore I don’t feel pressured to take that frankenshot. I’d rather take a wait and see attitude about it. I’ve already had some bad experiences with medicines that were supposed to be safe, but weren’t.
That’s all my thoughts for the moment. I hope you are well. Write me.
14 May 2021
Just so you are reassured, it is never my intent to write anything here to upset you. People have often called me a straight talker. I am not good at softening the truth because that feels like lying. I have always been truthful to you and always will be. The conversations I had with Linda years ago, and your mother, that co-worker from the jewelry story, and last year with Joan that you have suffered greatly during your marriage with Patrick. Because I haven’t talked with you since 2008 there are still many things I do not understand. I often wonder if you only stay with Patrick because you fear for your life if you were to try to leave him, or if it could be you feel you respect the marriage because of a faith in G_d.
6 May 2021
Hey, Phyllis, I was learning about Biblical marriage the other day. This revelation has been coming in pieces for a time and part of the revelation came from the Outlander tv series that I watch. There is a bit of information gathered here so before explaining it all chronologically let me get to the punch line right away. I know you probably are not aware of the Biblical definition of marriage, but basically when a couple becomes physically intimate as a couple they are considered engaged. I commemorated our engagement privately with that engagement bracelet I gave you before giving you a ring publically modern style. So, we were secretly engaged between ourselves, but most importantly we were engaged in G_d’s eyes. Biblically, when a couple becomes engaged they are considered married. Because Biblical marriage begins with engagement this means that the couple is allowed to have sexual relations.
The path leading up to this knowledge started with that Outlander series I watch. Until I found out my Scottish ancestry though my great-great maternal grandmother Morrison I had an unexplainable attraction to the Outlander series. Rabbi Yair Davidy is an expert in tracing the lost tribes and he confirms the Scots are Jewish and also the Irish. G_d has prepared and lead me to discovering I’m Jewish in a mysterious way.
All this confirms how I felt about our engagement carrying the weight of marriage before I even knew these facts about Biblical marriage.
What does this all mean? In G_d’s eyes you and I are husband and wife, and your marriage to Patrick Hickey is adulterous. That’s not my view. It’s Biblical from G_d. Yeshua would say to you, “Go, and sin no more.” Do you know the passages about Yeshua dealing with the woman who was caught in the very act of adultery? He did not condemn her, but told her to not do it anymore. I might be just talking to the wind as I don’t even know if you believe in G_d or not. I hold in my heart the girl I used to know and love. I hope she still exists.
13 April 2021
I’ve been trying to make this website more compact for my readers. That means I’ve deleted quite a few pages that I feel were distracting from my central message. In that effort, Phyllis, I thought I’d remove the two pages I’d written about us and create only one page where I’d write my thoughts to you like a journal. Whenever thoughts of you come into my mind I can release them to you here whether you will ever read them or not. I hope it’s a way to let go of thoughts and memories, or at least work through them better. I hope you don’t mind that I make this journal to you.
I know you remember when my family first moved away from Kentucky and I’d write you letters everyday. There came a time when you stopped me from writing you those physical letters, but since that time I’ve written you many thousands of letters in my heart. Today is another one of those days when thoughts of you have invaded my mind unprovoked.
My birthday (today) comes and goes each year nearly unnoticed now. In the last few years the day has slipped up on me and if I’m not careful it can pass unless I’m keeping track of the calendar. Living the retired lifestyle with everyday being my own leaves little use for a calendar anymore. In grade school we had to write the date on papers many times each day and the date was always present in my head, but after high school ended so did the repetitive writing of the date and that instant knowing of the date began to fade from consciousness. What is time anyway?
My grandmother never missed my birthday when she was living. She always made me a homemade birthday cake. As I stood at the kitchen sink this morning washing some dishes I gazed out my window at the snow capped mountains. For just a moment my attention was averted from the present, the view faded and was replaced by a memory in my mind of the view out of the kitchen window on the farm. You never got to see that home that was going to be yours one day, but the dining room was just off the kitchen separated by a door. My little daydream continued to a birthday luncheon in the dining room with my loved ones gathered around. This is where you one again invaded my thoughts unprovoked.
I was seated at the head of the table with grandma to my left and you were seated across from her to my right, the two most important and most loved women in my life. Our kids were at the other three chairs. Why does the mind so quickly imagine such things? Maybe it’s really happening in an alternate universe? I glimpse into the wonderful life that I imagined for us? Part of me wishes my imagination wouldn’t create such faux memories, but another part of me is soothed by such an invasion. It’s like that Jimmy Stewart movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, except in reverse.
As our story has had a presence in my websites over the years I’ve had people write to me about how touching it is to them to read my story about still loving the only girl I ever loved after all these years even though things didn’t turn out the way I’d planned. I imagine there are also the haters out there who would write to me to tell me I’m like an obsessed stalker and to just move on with my life. Certainly I have moved on enjoying a full life on the road less traveled, and G_d knows how sometimes I’ve wished I could just forget or have your memories wiped away by a hypnotist or some other wishful thinking method, but I have to live in the real world where memories don’t fade so easily. The brain is an amazing organ how it can store billions of memories and flash them before your eyes and have you reliving a moment in time even if you hadn’t had that particular memory revived in decades.
It would be an understatement to say I’ve had a life full of “road less traveled” experiences after you left me. Regardless of my feelings I KNOW that everything happens for a reason and G_d is running the show. All that has happened is for the good and if I never see you again then that will be how G_d has meant things to be this time around. G_d comes first in my life, and the love He has put in my heart does not allow me to become too upset about anything for too long. I’m only human and I have my disappointments and emotions, but I try to keep them all in check knowing that our loving heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and I must gain strength knowing that His plan is perfect and we can generally just sit back and enjoy the ride.
A thought just popped into my head. Wouldn’t it be nice if G_d were to be so generous to allow us to meet again one day and that it could be like a repeat of that first day I came to your home on Crestmoor on my 10-speed bicycle? We could sit in the porch swing and catch up on old times just as we did nearly 40 years ago. Remember the words of that song, “wouldn’t it be nice if we were older and we wouldn’t have to wait so long”? I didn’t think waiting till I turned 18 for us to marry was so long. Some times I make myself feel uncomfortable imagining that I’m still waiting for you knowing the only way I’ll ever see you again is if you are widowed. I don’t like to have such thoughts, but I guess the imagination can be very logical at times.
Do you mind if I share how different my life would be now if you’d never left me? I would have stayed on track and it would have been you and I and our kids working on the farm today. We would have lived with my grandmother at first, but I had the idea to build us a home with the front porch overlooking the lake.I imagine how things would have changed on the farm and how many things would have stayed the same. Do you think it’s silly for me to share these thoughts with you?
I need you to know I’m no ways bitter. Was I hurt, yes. Disappointed, yes. However, Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. The most important part of that Biblical passage is that “love keeps no account of wrongs” and that’s how I think of you. I have unanswered questions, but I realize in all this is that G_d has had a purpose for everything that has happened to each of us since our separation and I cling to that assurance. Whatever will be will be. I’m just letting you know I’m still here and if I’m ever blessed to see you again there will be no place for anger or rehashing old disappointments. There will only be great humility and thanks to G_d for another chance know again the only girl who ever owned my heart.
I wonder if you ever think of me on this day the way I’ve thought of you on the 23rd of October every year for all these many years? You probably haven’t thought of me like that because I was replaced by someone else you were supposed to love. I know it didn’t work out well for you and Patrick has been awful abusive to you, but if it’s any consolation my life has been a living hell at times too without the perfect life unfolding that I had envisioned for us.
Funny, all the little daydreams that crept in over the years. I’m gonna close for now and I hope you don’t mind that I’ll write to you often here.
UPDATE 31 May 2021: This guy seems to becoming psycho. His last two videos appear to portray a man going off the rails. In this rather scary video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3R-F_kAlnCM this guy is standing in near freezing rain and ranting about bringing about the end of the world and encouraging his followers whom he activates as part of 144,000 warriors to burn down this matrix, whatever that may mean. I hope the FBI is keeping an eye on him.
You can find Michael Dellarocca’s video’s on Youtube if you want to document the claims he makes for yourself. He claims to be the archangel Michael of Scripture. Sounds like another Jim Jones or David Koresh tragedy in the making. Anybody who claims to be the archangel Michael is a crackpot in my book and needs to be watched closely by the authorities before another tragedy happens. This is how death cults get their start. Dellarocca is a very immodest and narcissistic former competitive bodybuilder wand his live video chats are full of women throwing themselves at him as he tries too show as much skin as possible. Just like Satan, Dellarocca quotes Scripture and talks about just enough truth to lure people in. I think he is a very dangerous man leading a lot of people astray. …..just a warning
Matthew 24:5 “Many false teachers will claim to come in my name. They will claim of themselves, ‘I am the Christ’. They will lead many astray”.
For the record, because Christianity as a religion was prophesied by Yeshua as “the workers of iniquity”, that pretty much pegs all Christians as false teachers. Yeshua didn’t come to create a new religion, but came to strengthen the Commandments of the Torah and bring the Lost Sheep of Israel back to Torah. Had Yeshua come to abolish the Law and was walking around Israel with a pork chop hanging out of his mouth I can guarantee you that nobody would have every heard of him today. He would have never had a ministry or a gospel.
I had several individual articles on this website exposing false teachings of certain people, but in an effort to keep the size of my website smaller I removed the individual pages this one page resource on false teachers that have come to my attention.
Joyce Myer’s reputation as a false teacher is all over the internet. Former employees to government investigations into her fraudulent ministry are easy to find. I heard her once say she does not believe in re-incarnation yet Yeshua confirmed re-incarnation several times and if re-incarnation ain’t a thing then you can’t even have the religion of Christianity as Christianity is built on the foundational premise that their Jesus is G_d incarnated into human form. Go figure….
Amir Tsarfati teaches against follows of Yeshua keeping the Law. If you do not keep the Law of G_d then that is known as Lawlessness. Yeshua prophesied of the coming religion of Christianity and called them “the workers of iniquity (Lawlessness)”. The Babylonion Whore/Harlot system that still rules all of Christiandumb today has twisted Rabbi Shaul’s (aka to Christians as Paul) teaching on keeping the Law. Have you not heart that faith without Works (of the Law) is dead. Foolish Virgin Christians will find out when they get left behind and the Law-keeping remnant of Wise Virgins are taken as the Bride .
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Genesis 1:29 “And Elohim said, “See, I have given you every plant that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree whose fruit yields seed, to you it is for food.”
Plants were given to us for food and we were not to shed the blood of other created beings and eat them. Thou shall not kill.
Everyone knows that the writings attributed to the prophet Daniel tell us, “In the Last Days knowledge shall be increased”. While many lost or hidden writings like the Dead Sea Scrolls are full of information we need to know and it’s all quite interesting I want to focus in on the issue of the Commanded diet by Eloahi for the species He created. Among the Dead Seas Scrolls were found what has been named the Essene Gospel of Peace where Messiah Yeshua reinforces the Commandment about a vegetarian diet. If you have not read or listened to the Essene Gospel of Peace then you can listen here:
4 June 2021 UPDATE: Rabbi Kaduri of Israel is interpreted that Yeshua the Messiah will return before the 23rd of June 2021 in this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8Y8H81zgxk&t=758s . This date will be the proof of whether Rabbi Kaduri’s prophecies are true or not.
One thing is for sure. For any human to ever gain knew knowledge they must first humble themselves, put down the ego and remind themselves that we are all ignorant to a certain extent.
Even in the times of the apostles and followers of Yeshua they were expecting our Savior to return, but even though they had been with Him during His earthly life they were no closer to knowing the actual time of His return than we are today.
There is a difference between being a wise and well educated student of history and being a Prophet. I do not claim to be any prophet, but I have had people suggest to me that I am. I just explain I have been studying the Bible since I was a young child and I have a lot of knowledge.
Many Christian’s believe in “the Rapture” as a singular event, but when you study throughout the Bible G_d did in fact “rapture” certain folks off the earth and they never died on earth. Notable persons are Enoch and Elijah. Even the ascension of Yeshua was a rapture. Anybody taken off this earth into the heavens is by definition a rapture.
Due to this misunderstanding by Christians they have concentrated all though on there being a singular event called The Rapture and this error along with many other errors in Christianity is going to cost some people their souls. Thankfully, that doesn’t has to be because I am here to set the record straight.
There are two camps in Christianity when it comes to The Rapture. There are the pre-trib and the post-trib camps and both are drowning in error because neither camp understands G_d word correctly due to all the false teachings they have inherited over the centuries.
If there is to be one “rapture” we would capitalize “Rapture”, but because there is not going to be one singular event known as “The Rapture” I am now going to only use lower case letters for the word, “rapture”.
There will be two raptures of believers. There will be the “thief in the night rapture of the Wise Virgin Bride and there will be the “2nd Coming” rapture of the former Foolish Virgins who got “left behind” during the rapture of the Bride.
The problem created by the compilers of the New Testament and it’s reader is that when they read the 24th chapter of Matthew they think it’s all one explanation of one singular event they call “The Rapture”. This is not so. The writings attributed to the apostle Matthew, like many other books were put together in the 4th century by a group known as the Nicaean Council. After collecting all known gospel accounts they began a long process of trying to compare writing styles to attribute certain gospel accounts with certain authors. Once that was done they had to try to bring some kind of chronological order to this account and that account. Certainly, it was easy to place the bookends of the birth and death of Yeshua, but everything inbetween those years was a bit trickier. Anyway, all that to say this–you truly have to be much more than an average student of the Bible to be able to figure out that Yeshua spoke of not one, but two raptures of believers. You also have to be able to read the New Testament with a Jewish mindset, not a Roman mindset.
The rapture of the Wise Virgin Bride (true church) has it’s mention in the parable of the 10 Virgins and the lamps. In this parable Yeshua is being very specific that there will be two different types of believers when He comes for His Bride and He defines one camp as the Wise Virgins and the other camp the Foolish Virgins. We know it is only the Wise Virgins that are taken as His Bride because their lamps have oil, and the Foolish Virgins are rejected and left behind because their lamps have no oil. We know G_d’s Word is a lamp unto our feet, likening the light of lamp to G_d’s Word, His instruction (Laws) for us. His Bride is chosen because she was keeping G_d’s Word, His Law. The Foolish Virgins had no oil so that means they were not Law-keepers, but they were in fact the “Workers of Iniquity” that G_d (Yeshua) said, “Go away from me. I never knew you.” As well, in the parable of the 10 Virgins and the lamps, the Foolish Virgins found their way to where the wedding was taking place and knocked at the door and when Yeshua opened the door seeing them with no oil He said to them, “I do not know you” and like Noah and the Ark the door was closed and locked and these foolish Lawless Christian Foolish Virgins are locked out in the outer darkness, rejected as His Bride and are left behind to suffer the horrors of the 7-year Tribulation.
During the 7-year Tribulation there will be Messianic Jewish Evangelists like myself from the different Tribes of Israel that will be teaching those Foolish Virgins that have been left behind how to keep the Law and how to be baptized correctly for the forgiveness of their sins in the ONLY NAME given under heaven to mankind by which WE MUST be saved, the name Yeshua. I do not participate in the Sacred Name Debate that misguided sellers of the Gospel like Lew White put forth because the sacred name arguments cease with the proof of the name Yeshua’s family carved into His ossuary on his family tomb found in Talpiot, a neighborhood of Jerusalem in 1980, that name being Yeshua, not Yahshua, Yahusha, not Yehoshua, not Yahushua, and certainly not Jesus. If you believe there is power in “the only name given by which we must be saved” through the forgiveness of sins in baptism then I and you must admit that the name He was known by while on earth is the name of heavenly power that must be used to be confident you have followed G_d’s instruction for salvation. Being baptized in variations of that name I think our G_d’s is big enough to account it to you for righteousness. Just as long as you don’t use the Satanic name of Jesus that is neither a translation or transliteration of the Aramaic Hebrew name of Yeshua.
Yeshua said, when giving His parable of the fig tree, “This generation will not pass away until all these things are fulfilled”. While a generation is defined as 70-80 years who knows when the last of those born in 1948 pass away, so G_d has given Himself some wiggle room for the year he will choose that “hour and day” that He sends Yeshua to come collect His Law-keeping Wise Virgin Bride.
What we are waiting on is to be raptured before the horrors of the 7-year Tribulation begin. “Pray that you be accounted worthy to escape these things” from Luke 21:36 can relate to the Bride escaping via rapture, but it can also mean that there will be those during the 7-year Tribulation that will get saved with the help of the 144,000 Jewish evangelists thereby making them worthy to escape the horrors till the 2nd Coming at the end of the Tribulation happens.
The only timing of the rapture of the Bride for the wedding is thought that His coming like a “thief in the night” will be to fulfill another one of the feasts, this time the Feast of Trumpets and perhaps at the “last trump” He will collect His Bride.
We are not waiting for all those people born in 1948 to have passed away, so the season is now right for that “hour and day” that only the Father knows. Could it be this fall at the Feast of Trumpets? Could be. Things are getting ugly fast with COVID and a cashless society shaping up. The New World Order is quickly falling into place with Socialism/Communism taking a grip on America through the Democrats who fraudulently have seized power and exiled President Trump from the White House. The pot is simmering and I’m still believing that the election fraud will be exposed and those responsible will be jailed and Trump will be returned to the White House. We can only hope. I speak positively about Trump because he has done a lot of good with holding back many evils on this planet while some would disagree. When this country was being overrun by radical faux Islamists who are terrorists he put a stop to it and his good works brought down their violent Caliphate they were trying to build by taking out many of the ring leaders of the terrorists.
Just be ready. If someone comes up with a peace plan for Israel and the Palestinians and it gets signed I say the rapture of the Bride will have already taken place or be immanent.
I really don’t think G_d is gonna drag this thing out another 20 years till the last few people born in 1948 are living out the last few days of their lives. Do you? We are at the point of a prophet showdown with G_d.
I just hope the over 90 FEMA camps set up around the USA will not become the “re-education camps the Democrats have said they want to rehabilitate Trump supporters. Due to the time crunch we are under, obviously, the anti-christ is alive and well at this time and his endtime plans are coming together rapidly.