“In the Beginning Elohim created Adam in His own image. Male and female He created Adam.” ~ Genesis 5:2 This is the literal Hebrew translation into English. You may be used to the fake news translation. Learn Hebrew.
In 1964 my beginning started with me having a different chromosome pattern than most people. I’m not a normal XY male, but I’m blessed by our Creator who formed me in the womb with an XO/XY Mosaic chromosome pattern, a blend of male and female. “Intersexed” is the polite modern medical term for this chromosomal condition. “Hermaphrodite” is the outdated term. It wasn’t an easy way to grow up with a body that was different, and it lead me to make and agonizing decision in my teenage years that didn’t happen until I was brought to the point of being hospitalized for a suicidal episode where I had something called and NDE (Near Death Experience).
Just real quick, my NDE story in a nutshell…. I overdosed on sleeping pills because I wanted out of this life as I could not perceive any good future for myself as male (or as female). As I laid in bed I lost consciousness and that’s when I had my NDE. In an instant of going from consciousness to unconsciousness I was aware of being in a vast expanse of nothing that I perceived as total darkness. Then, I witnessed a pinpoint spark of white light in the darkness that grew in size as it came closer to me and I heard what I perceived as a male voice say to me, “If you do this you will never have a chance to be happy.” ~ The End
It was the end of my Near Death Experience. Nothing big. No glimpses of Heaven, or Hell. Just darkness, a light in the distance and a voice giving me a warning. Nothing dramatic or lengthy enough to write a money-making best seller about. It was all over about as quick as it began lasting only seconds it seemed, but it had a big impact. I jolted back into consciousness with that voice still ringing in my ears and it had scared the shit of me because it was real. It wasn’t like any dream I’d ever had. I was shaken to the point of abandoning my suicide plan. I picked up the phone next to the bed to call my mother who was at work at our family business, but then I sat the phone back down because after having a minute or two to call down the deep pain of this life was still there and I wanted out. Who cared about happiness. I wanted the pain to end so I hung up the phone and didn’t call. The shaking of the NDE I’d just had was undeniable and I asked myself who was that speaking to me? I couldn’t say. All I knew was the voice sounded male and even to this day I can’t tell you who it may have been even if my multiple choice answer could have included a guardian angel, The Savior, G-d, or whoever. All I knew is it shook me to the core and I knew I was beginning to feel like I was going to lapse back into unconsciousness.
I picked up the phone again and this time spoke to my mother. It was a strange conversation that consisted of me telling my mom that I just wanted to call to tell her I loved her and that was all and I hung up. I wondered if she thought that peculiar. I had chickened out. I still wanted to die, but at least my mom would have the memory that I cared enough to tell her I loved her before I left this world.
I gave it a couple minutes. I feared my mother would call back worrying that there was something funny going on with me, but there was no call back. Then I thought that maybe that voice I heard was letting me know if I lived that things were going to get better for me and I’d finally find some happiness? Yes, that had to be it. I picked up the phone again and called my mother and told her what I’d done. I don’t remember hanging up the phone. I lapsed into unconsciousness again and the next thing I knew my older brother was shaking me and lifted me out of the bed and put me in the car and he and my mother took me to the hospital emergency room that was only blocks from our home.
After a two-weeks stay in the psychiatric ward for trying to kill myself I returned home and realized I had hit rock bottom and nearly died so there was nothing left to lose. I plucked up the courage and said to myself, “I have nothing to live for and I almost died. I feel dead inside. I’m don’t feel comfortable for feel like I fit in this world as a male who feels torn between two sexes. Now, this is gonna sound funny to some, but I told myself, “I don’t care if I turn out looking like the cartoon character Fred Flintstone in a dress and I have to support myself scrubbing floors on my hands and knees on the graveyard shift the rest of my life, at least maybe I’ll have some peace doing it as female instead of male.
I began taking estrogen my last year of highschool and completed the full physical medical transition to live “as” female in Belgium in May of 1988. I lived that way till the year 2004. When my grandmother passed away in March of 2004 I was already years into a deep disappointment with live “as” a female and not really being a female. I wasn’t happy with a life of illusion and decided to return to live “as” male. I could not escape the fact I was born both male and female, but I knew I’d given living as female a good 20+year run, and the past five years I’d become comfortable with the decision to return to a male presentation.
I was watching the Montel Williams talk show and his guest for the day was a woman who started a website to raise funds so she could divorce her husband called HelpMeDivorceMyHusband.com and in an instant I knew I had to create my own website called HelpMeReverseMySexChange.org. And the rest is history, as they say, right? Now that same website survives, but has a redirect URL: www.LeftBehind.ICU
So, there you have it. If you want to continue reading I’ll tell you more about my life’s back story, and as Paul Harvey used to say on his radio show, “And now, for the rest of the story”…
My maternal great grandmother, Emma Rachel Gaylord-Horstmann who passed when I was young was the daughter of Charles Judah Gaylord, Jr. born in 1852, the result of my 3rd great grandfather fathering him with an Black African slave he owned by the name of Amanda Comee. That makes me 1/32nd Black. Great-great grandfather Gaylord was documented as Mulatto (as all first offspring of a White/Black union were branded. His children with White Scottish great-great grandmother Susannah Morrison-Gaylord were all documented as Black as was the custom in those times in the post-slavery period in the USA where the One-Drop Rule was enforced in the census documentation done every 10 years in the United States up until the 1920 census when my grandmother and her siblings were all documented as White. Although the children of great grandmother Emma Rachel Horstmann’s were 1/8th Black, and were never documented as such, but instead White that did not mean the people of the area would ever forget the Black ancestry.
My grandmother Mary Katherine Horstmann recalls when she was a girl shortly after the birth of the baby of the family, Henry Horstmann, Jr. their log cabin home in Goshen, Kentucky burned to the ground. She recalls her dad wrapping baby Henry in a blanket and dropping him to the safety of his mother’s arms from the upstairs window before he fled the burning cabin. That was my grandmother’s version of the story I’d always heard, but her sister Irene Horstmann-Kelley had a different story to tell about the night their family cabin burned to the ground.
My mother went through five marriages, my father being her second divorce in 1963 before I was born in April 1964.
To be continued….