The Truth About Myself and Phyllis Hogan Hickey

Myself and Arlene Phyllis Hogan Hickey. Sorry, about the poor photoshopping of two separate photos together. As a side note, Phyllis had this photo taken specifically for me. I’ve seen many photo’s taken of her since this, but she has never looked happy as she does in this photo.

This blog is my goodbye blog to Phyllis. A friend posted the following meme on her social media page knowing I’d see it as a message that I need to move on.

I never wanted to give up hope, but I feel I’ve done all I can in this lifetime to regain the girl I’ve loved with all my heart. Someone once said, “If you love something, set it free. If it returns to you it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t return it never was yours. I haven’t wanted to believe I wasn’t special to her. I haven’t wanted to believe she never really loved me, but she was only looking for someone to latch onto as a way out. I’m truly sorry she chose to marry Patrick Hickey because he has been an abusive monster and made her life a living hell. Her choice also made my life a living hell in a lot of other ways. I know I’ll never truly get over her, but somethings you just try to not think of as best you can.

This journal I’ve decided to make a reverse order journal. That just means that you will need to scroll down to read the new entries instead of each new entry being at the top of the page. Why am I doing it this way? I don’t know.

27 September 2021

I woke myself up from a dream this morning crying. It was a dream about Phyllis. In the dream certain memories that I had not been able to remember for decades came flooding back to me, and upon awakening the memories just kept coming at me in waves. Trauma once caused all these memories to be blocked and locked away where I had no access to them. Now, trauma once again has allowed these memories to come out of hiding.

My head is spinning right now. This experience is still quite fresh having only awoken less than an hour ago and feeling an urgency to write about this memories before they might disappear again. Anybody who has ever suddenly regained memories they had lost will tell you its a very strange experience and it makes you feel lost. It’s very surreal. Somehow I hope that writing about these memories connected with Phyllis Hogan will help me find myself again. I definitely do not want to spiral into a dark depression where dead seems to be the only way out. I’ve been there before and actually had a near death experience that gave me the strength to live. While I’m thankful for that experience and my survival I cannot allow myself to go down that dark path to the brink of destruction again. People do not heal by keeping trauma bottled up inside. The only way to heal is to talk about your trauma. However, I want to make it clear this is not a cathartic writing. I’ve been in contact with two of Phyllis’ sisters and both have let me know that she doesn’t desire to talk to me. She may not talk to me, but I can talk to her through this website that I know she reads. At least I will be allowed to tell her what she did to me and how she changed my life forever, in some way good and in some ways bad. I know that in writing this I take the chance it will push her away from me forever, but that’s the chance I’ll have to take as she must know how I feel before this life of mine ends.

At this moment I need to step away and take a break, but I will return and write more later, perhaps tomorrow.

28 September 2021 – Well, here I am again. I can report that I had a good sleep last night and all the memories that came flooding back are still with me. I guess I somehow have the fear that the memories may slip back into that hidden place. They have not. I guess this is the new reality for me.

In yesterday’s writing I spoke of death and destruction. Phyllis and I had met as teens in school. Our friendship soon turned to love. Because it was still too soon for me to buy her an engagement ring I have her a larger circle of gold in the form of a bracelet for a Christmas gift. I think we had been dating about 7 months when my mother announced that her and her new husband had decided to move the family to Florida, hundred of miles south of Kentucky. What could we do? We were just 15 and not able to get married yet so we knew we had to ride out a few years till I could return to Kentucky when I turned 18 and take her for my bride. That first year we were distanced from each other we wrote letters everyday. Then one day a letter came from Phyllis that said she didn’t want me anymore.

I tried calling her on the phone and she refused to speak to me. I tried again and again, but she hung up on me and then stopped answering the phone. She was everything that had made my life worth living and now she was gone. I went to the cabinet in the kitchen where my parents kept a lot of pills and I emptied all the bottles into my stomach. My mother came out of her bedroom and saw all the empty bottles on the counter and I ran out the back door of the house with her shouting to my older brother to that I’d taken a lot of pills and to run after me. My heart was so full of pain. We lived near a main road with lots of fast traffic on it so I saw my chance to end it all quickly. I ran out in front of a car, but they managed to slam on their brakes and not hit me. I took off running down the road as my brother had come running after me. I had all this pain that I couldn’t escape and I didn’t know what to do. Was I just going to keep running or what? There was a large tree at the end of the road and I climbed up on it as the police arrived and were trying to talk me down. I’ll cut this story short with saying this was my first ever suicidal thoughts or attempt.

My mother had managed to make contact with Phyllis’ mother and tell her what had happened and let me know that Phyllis wanted me to call her. Apparently, she’d found out I tried to kill myself and so I guess she felt bad about dumping me and she took me back. It all wasn’t so cut and dry, but that was the outcome of our long talk. Some months later my family had arranged a trip up north to see relatives for the winter holidays. I imagine that trip was actually only arranged so I would have time to see Phyllis.

I’ll never forget that day in December when I went to visit Phyllis at her home with my heart in my hand and an engagement ring in my pocket. I really wanted to get things squared away with her and make sure we were still on track. She made me feel like she wasn’t sure she wanted to continue our relationship and I felt very much like a beggar wanting to know what had happened to her and how we could get our relationship back on track.

I remember sitting at the bottom of the stairs that lead up to a finished attic where her bedroom was. We sat there talking for a long time till I felt secure that she really wanted me and we would continue with our plans to be married. Her mother came through the hallway and announced she had to make a trip up to the grocery store. I thought nothing of it at the time, but during our entire relationship her mother had never left us alone in the house together. When her mom had left for the store Phyllis asked me to come upstairs. What happened next was really rather disturbing for me. As Phyllis entered her bedroom she laid down on the bed and said to me, “Make love to me”. As I had always dreamed that we wouldn’t go all the way till our wedding day this unexpected behavior from Phyllis became another one of those traumatic experiences that happened. I did my best to keep it together, but it felt like I’d just been punched in the stomach and all the wind was knocked out of me. It was like the world around me stood still while I was sinking into a dark hole. I couldn’t allow myself to get all emotional, but I know she saw the confusion and disappointment on my face as I responded, “Phyllis, this is something important. This is something we have to wait for our wedding night for.” I flat out refused to have sex with her then, and the engagement ring in my pocket never found it’s way out. I tried to reassure Phyllis that we only had a year to wait and I’d be 18 and I’d be back for her.

The next year was horrible. I struggled to hold onto her, but she seemed to struggle to be free of me. In her letters she’d write about guys who would come into the ice cream shop where she worked and how they’d chat her up and ask her out. The love I had for Phyllis was unconditional and solid. I felt she was the same so when she told me about going to a neighborhood carnival with a Native American guy who had come into the ice cream shop and asked her to go I didn’t think much about it. I didn’t want to act like a jealous idiot who doubted her commitment to me. Then she told me about going to to a bar called the Toy Tiger and getting drunk. I knew I wasn’t going to hold onto her by getting upset with her behavior or trying to control her. I was just trying to hold onto her till April when I turned 18 and could return to living in Kentucky.

My grandmother was very happy to have me come live with her. I flew into Louisville the day before my 18th birthday. I was so happy to be home again. I phoned Phyllis and let her know I’d arrived. My grandmother didn’t know all the details about my relationship with Phyllis. I imagine my mother had told her a lot, but I had not. There was just one phone in the house and of course my grandmother had to plant herself in the room every time I would call Phyllis. I didn’t yet have an automobile of my own so I had no way to go into Louisville to see Phyllis. For now, we had phone calls and I was trying hard to reassure Phyllis she was the reason I’d returned and that all the plans we’d made would happen. I had to be sure she was stable however because her behavior had been rather worrying. I’d committed myself to moving back, but before I could even think about asking my grandmother to invite her out I had to know we were on track again.

It’s not easy now to relive these memories and understand why I blocked them. I was trying to so hard to hold onto the girl I loved without doing anything that might push her further away. Now, I that I’ve found my voice I seem to be doing all the things that will make sure she never returns to me. It’s not what I want, but I’ve been living this hell because of Phyllis for over 40 years and if she wants to play games and not speak with me then that’s on her, but I can no longer be silent. Silence equals death. I’ve felt dead inside for too long.

Maybe I should have gotten angry with Phyllis and become threatening? Maybe I should have become physically abusive to show her how much I was in control of things. As someone who had grown up being treated like that I was programmed to be the exact opposite. My mother would drink and become mentally and physically abusive. When you grow up like that you learn quick how to avoid stirring up your abuser’s wrath. I became the good little boy who was always walking on egg shells trying to make sure I didn’t do anything to rock the boat. I wasn’t able to become accusatory, or jealous, or violent with Phyllis. I couldn’t be that kind of man, but it seems that’s the kind of man she wanted and ended up with. Could Phyllis be the kind of woman who needs an abusive man? Is that the reason she has never left him? I was told that all of her siblings offered to help her get away from him, but she’d only go so far and then she’d always return to him. Her mom hoped that she’d live long enough to see Phyllis leave Patrick, but that never happened. Her mom told me through the passing years more than once how she’s wished Phyllis had married me.

That day Phyllis tried to get me to have sex with her I believe was a set-up. For a long time I was naïve enough to think the whole moment was organic, but then I remembered Phyllis once showing me a calendar in the kitchen where she kept track of her monthly cycle. I now believe it was all planned for her to become pregnant so our wedding date would be a year earlier than planned.

Of course, these things are all just assumptions I’ve come to based on the clues. Phyllis has not confirmed anything because we have never got around to talking about the serious and destructive things she did that ended our relationship. I was too busy trying to do things to keep the relationship alive, and didn’t want to bring up difficult subjects that could be talked about another day after we were married. I tried to get some answers out of her when we were talking on the phone and emailing some years back in 2007-2009, but emails always made it easy to avoid responding to my questions. All these years and I’ve never gotten answers. It’s time I got the answers and receive some closure. I’ve suffered far too long.

It’s time for me to take a break from writing again. I’ll continue later.

29 September 2021

A friend just sent me this meme (below) this morning and it sure does make sense that in the last couple days I have had buried memories that I have not been able to access in many years now suddenly come to the surface. This really kinda freaks me out, because of what it says in Genesis 1:14 “And God said, “Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to distinguish between the day and the night, and let them be signs to mark the seasons and days and years.

This feels like confirmation that it’s no coincidence I’m remembering these things about Phyllis and I at this time. Phyllis are you remembering things about how perfect our relationship was and how pure and satisfying our love was? Phyllis I know Patrick has been controlling your mind for decades and psychologically when this happens and one gives over to the control it becomes comforting–just do as he says and there won’t be any hell to pay. This is how all abusers control their victims. I’m not asking you to pack your bags, split the assets and divorce Patrick, but what I am asking is for you to be a responsible person to me and do the simple kindness you never did when your erratic behavior brought my whole life crashing down and had me hospitalized because I wanted my life to end. You owe me some answers even if you never want to see me again. All the hell I’ve been through in this life was because I was trying to escape the pain of you leaving me. I went to bizarre extremes to become a different person so I didn’t have to the be person you crushed. It took 20 years for me to get to a place where I could drop the disassociative identity I had created for myself before I could return to my true identity through the One who created me in the womb. To be clear, I simply want answers as to why you did what you did if you even understand your actions. Everything that happens on our lives happens for a reason to teach our souls things they need to know so in that way be sure I don’t have anger or blame towards you. I just want to understand it all and you hold the keys that unlock so many mysteries. Is emailing me like you once did too much to ask?

7 October 2021

Every year of my life since I have known you Phyllis when the month October rolls around it’s always a sad reminder that I don’t get to share your birthday on the 23rd with you. Instead, you spend it with a man who had done nothing but abuse you for decades and doesn’t love you, but has some weird obsession with you. Yeah, he may have married you, but it’s been no marriage. Where had been the joy, the children, the happiness. For some marriage can be a living hell and at least your marriage has indeed been a marriage in that way.

It’s really a disturbing feeling that you do not contact me. Three years have passed so unbelievably quick when I was in contact with your sister Joan Hogan Moser. I have her my email and phone number for you to contact me about signing off on some paperwork for my the book I’m having published about you. I wanted to publish the book with your approval and blessing, but it seems it will go to the publisher with out. I know some people want to sue people for things written about them in books, but I know you would never do that. All you are concerned with is Patrick Hickey never finds out about my book and the things I reveal in it about you and I.

Why would Joan lie and say that you do not have access to email. Everybody has email, yet she wrote this to me in 2018:

As I have said before, you could always have a phone you keep at work where you could call me from time to time, but you don’t do that? What has Patrick Hickey done to you to fill you with such fear of the chance of him finding out you are talking to me? All I can do is wonder and guess about your motivations since you have stopped contacting me. I know you don’t have feelings for your abuser, so the only thing left is that you are just hoping to outlive him. Your sister Zina told me that Patrick is ill and had diabetes so I guess you are just hoping he will die soon and leave you all the assets. Maybe if he were to find out you were talking to me and planning on us getting back together he would disinherit you and leave all the assets to his family before he dies and maybe even divorce you and leave you flat without a coin. I guess all the above are options.

Joan wrote some really nasty messages after that one and then she blocked contact on As you had long ago let me know what kind of person she was her behavior came as no surprise, but I was surprised that on her Facebook page she goes on and on about being a Christian, but then has such unChristian behavior. So many people simply profess they are Christian for business purposes, to gain respect in the market place, to create a false reputation for themselves. Far too many Christians we’ve all seen are just hate-filled people who are nothing like what the Bible or Yeshua expects them to be. I think Yeshua called those people hypocrites.

In my last correspondence with Zina I think I got her being dishonest with me yet once again and I blocked her on, but she pursued the matter in multiple text messages to my phone and to my email. I responded wanting to extend her the benefit of the doubt, but she didn’t respond so I guess that means all out war between us now, so as they say, “all bets are off”. I’d once told her that I keep all our conversations confidential, but now that she has betrayed me I don’t think I’ll be held to the promise anymore. Zina told me all kinds of horrible things about you and Pat. I’m not trying to drive any wedge between you and your sisters that isn’t there or doesn’t deserve to be there. I think however they all are as bewildered as to why you have stayed with Pat when he has been so abusive. Maybe old age and illness has put Patrick in a place where he has had to soften up a bit? Zina told that Patrick has allowed you to drive the car places all by yourself. Is this a new development because you told me different in your emails and phone calls 2007-2009. What’s the real truth?

Forgive me if the tone of all this seems angry, but when people lie to me it does cause emotional pain, especially when it’s people I’ve placed my trust in. My memory takes me back to the trust I had in you as my fiancé that you would wait for me and then what kind of slap in the face do I get when I turn 18 and return for you? I month after I arrive back in Kentucky to get us back on track you run off an marry Patrick Hickey and crush my heart all over again, and I guess that should have been the final nail in my coffin, so to speak. I tried to end my life twice because of the emotional heartache you caused me, but somehow I found the strength to go on. Me without you was not part of the plan and systematically, if I wasn’t gonna be dead and released from the pain, I was going to kill of the person I was and become someone new, so the boy who had his heart broken by the girl who was supposed to be his wife and mother of his children would no longer exist to haunt me with his pain. In psychology we call that “disassociating”.

9 October 2021

I get quite a few emails from readers of my blog asking me why I haven’t moved on from this girl who obviously never loved me. Some have suggested that I find a woman that isn’t looking to manipulate me the way she did. Marry a woman who wants love and companionship, not a woman who seems to wants to marry any man that will take care of her. Someone pointed out that she married Patrick Hickey because the military includes spouses and she knew she’d be taken care of.

Phyllis was advised to go back to school by her sister Zina so she could have a career to support herself. If a woman relies on a man to support her and she doesn’t work then she comes a slave to her master (husband). Getting an education and good money-making career of your own is a good thing in the event the marriage dissolves and you have to support yourself. Zina learned this in her own failed marriage to a man who discouraged her from returning to school.

Could the cold, hard truth that I do not want to accept be that Phyllis only saw me as a possible ticket to freedom from her family? If this why she seemed to have no emotional remorse about how she devastated my life when she dumped me? Obviously, she is in a marriage where there has never been in love. Is this how some women operate? They have no drive of their own for success? Just latch onto a man who will buy a house, buy the food, and buy you clothes and jewelry? Are girls taught this by this mothers that this is the way things are for women in this world, this man’s world?

Love is blind. Did the girl I thought I knew actually exist? Did she ever really love me or was she just playing a role to secure a financial benefactor? Hey, don’t get me wrong! I have traditional human family values. Women have the breasts to feed the babies for a reason. It takes two to make a family and a home run smoothly. The one with the breast milk is the primary caretaker of the children and works inside the home while nurturing and educating the children while the other who is not tied down by breast feeding goes out and supports the family by means outside of the home. I believe in the traditional way human families operate, but I also know that some women probably get psychologically skewed in an anxious hunt to find a man to support them before the flower of alluring youth is gone.

Phyllis told me she and Patrick Hickey never had children together because she developed female problems that lead her to not be able to have a child. I wonder if that was true? Maybe that is what she old Patrick while she secretly took birth control so she wouldn’t have to bear children for an abusive man she hates? Why bring children into a world where a pycho father would be psychologically damaging them and creating more abusive monsters?

Oh, Phyllis if you only knew the perfect and happy life we could have had together. I saw our life starting out on my grandparents farm where we’d be building our own home down by the lake. I could see us today with our kids grown with children of their own now. Generations working a family beef cattle ranch. I had envisioned a farm store where we’d sell our garden produce, our organic grass fed and finished beef, eggs, chickens. It would have been a wonderful life. You could have still pursued a career outside the home if you wanted, but I think you’d have enjoyed being a farmer and raising our children on the farm. I know my 40 years on that farm were the best years of my life.

So much about me you never got the know. My grandmother took me direct from the hospital when I was born because my mother didn’t want me. My mother wanted to put me up for adoption. I remember my grandmother telling me about when I was old enough to sit up and play she’d set me in the shade of an Ash tree at the edge of the garden and I’d play in the fresh tilled garden dirt with a couple of tin cans. As I became older my first memories of gardening duty was to follow behind her and the tiller and pick the weeds out of the tilled soil and put them in a bushel basket to be disposed of. It would have been nice to have continued such traditions with my own children, but you didn’t allow us that. You chose misery over love and happiness and changed the course of both our lives for the worse. I wish you’d realize it ain’t too late. Yeah, you hurt me, but I’m also fair. I know I can imagine why you did that you did and piece together the story from what I’ve been told by your mom and two sisters, but there is nothing like hearing what you were going through that made you do what you did. Never got to hear your heart’s story, but I’m still out here hoping I will one day. I still imagine us having a chance of picking up where we left off before we were pulled apart by a 1000 miles between us. I imagine us adopting a couple children to be grandparents to so we don’t have to feel like we were cheated out of our dreams. As I’ve said before, perhaps you are just hoping Patrick will hurry up and die and leave you everything so you don’t have to only get half in a divorce. I can only imagine since you don’t let me know…

One thing is for sure. This boy has loved you with all his heart for a lot of years. I’ve tried to forget you, but it was impossible. I pushed myself to date other girls, but it felt disrespectful to the love for you in my heart that left no room for anybody else to come along. I tried to change my life in many ways so I could forget the me that loved you. Nothing I did worked. I’m stuck loving you I guess till the day I die. I hate to think it, but my life may end with you never returning to me just like in the old George Jones song, He Stopped Loving Her Today.

18 October 2021

This coming Saturday should be a day of joy for me, but instead it’s only a sad reminder each year that has passed since 1979 that Phyllis has turned another year older without me being able to ….well, why bother writing it? You already know what I’m gonna say.

I woke up in the middle of the night with the thumb and the first two fingers of my left hand tingling with numbness. I thought perhaps I’d laid on my hand or something and it would go away, but it didn’t. The numb feeling continues. If only the feeling could move up to my heart.

BTW, Phyllis, if you are having any paranoid type fears that I’m gonna do something romantically stupid for your birthday, you can give those thoughts a rest. Yes, I’m tormented each year on your birthday wishing things were different and I could sent you flowers, shower you with gifts, and celebrate the fact that I’ve so glad you are here and in my life, but that’s what could have been. Don’t worry, I won’t be sending any flowers to your employment or anything.

I used to know the joy that loving someone brought into my life. Now that I’m near the end of my life I contemplate how living these 42 years without you has been worth it. I knew I could never commit adultery by taking you as my wife if you divorced Patrick. My only hope was that he’d die as soon as possible leaving you widowed and we’d have a chance again. I dreamed of making up for all the hellish years you suffered with Patrick.

I’ve tried and tried to get you to contact me again, but you do not. That’s why when today I saw that meme on my friend’s social media page today I knew it was speaking to me. It let me know that you simply just don’t want me in your life in any shape or fashion. It’s like the last nail being driven into my coffin, so to speak. I feel like my romantic hope has died. It’s a hard thing to feel unloved by someone you love.

22 October 2021

Yesterday morning I stood at the sink washing dishes and gazing out onto the San Jacinto mountains that are only a walking distance from my home. Mindless activities like washing dishes lends itself naturally to enter into thought and contemplation. Sadly, my thoughts were about you and the decisions you made that caused unspeakable misery in both our lives. You ditched me, the good guy that would have treated you like a queen, and instead you allowed an evil man to take control of your life and make it a hell on earth.

I can’t imagine you’ve had a happy birthday since being with him. You’ve endured decades of psychological conditioning with him that now I don’t know if there is truly any good in you that has survived. To survive you have had to be more intelligent than your captor. You’ve learned the play the meek and agreeable wife just so “the old coot” as you call him doesn’t give you hell. As a result the real you was replaced by a deceptive you who’s love has grown cold. Like my friend let me know the other day, “If someone wanted you in their life they’d put some effort into showing it. Since 2018 when I corresponded with Joan–nothing. These months I’ve corresponded with Zina–nothing. Maybe you’ve died on the inside and you simply reside in a shell of a person I used to know.

I was looking at a photo of you on the website and you look as if you are unable to smile like the rest of the people in the photo. You look like you are carrying the cares of the world. When I found this photo of you a couple years ago it saddened me to see how you’ve changed. You used to smile and be so happy all the time I knew you from our days at Barret middle school till the last time I actually spent time with you the year my family came north to visit and you asked me to have sex with you when your mother left the house.

Phyllis Hogan 2018

Well, even if I never hear from you again, even if I would hear from you that you were furious with me it would make me happy, but I hope maybe if you ever loved me you might have a secret moment of happiness on your birthday tomorrow knowing it will be impossible for me to escape having you on my mind all day, like you’ve been every year for over 40 years.

23 October 2021

It’s 9:30 pm in your part of the world now. I made it through another of your birthday’s without you. It wasn’t so bad. For some reason I had an unexpected peace throughout the day without feeling down. I wonder if that is because it’s finally sinking in that you don’t care about me. I guess I’ve been a fool. Your letters of 12 years ago made me feel you were ready to break free of Patrick and you and I would have a chance to begin again.

I realize since it was nothing for you to be intimate with me and then become intimate with other guys that perhaps you’ve done the same with Patrick. Your sister Zina told me that Patrick now allows you to drive the car so that gives you the opportunity to have a lover on the side. That thought runs through my mind as to the reason why you no longer contact me. Why would you want to contact me if you got yourself all set with one man whom you hope will die soon and a lover that will be there for you when the old coot finally kicks the bucket. Zina told me Patrick is not in good health at all and also has diabetes. I guess that is good news for you and whatever other man is in your life. I wonder if there is someone else giving you secret birthday gifts that Patrick doesn’t know about?

Do I sound bitter or angry? Don’t think that. I’m just thinking out loud trying to answer the questions you’ve never been kind enough to answer for me that have tormented me all these years since you left me. They are just questions and possible answers that float around in my head. It’s just really strange that you no longer care to contact me. If I were to think of other reason’s why you may not be contacting me maybe Patrick found out about you calling and writing me years ago and you caught hell for it and he threatened you?

I’m sure I’ve done nothing to make this a happy birthday for you unless somewhere deep down inside it might make you feel good to know you still have my heart after all these years.

18 November 2021

I’ve been quiet a bit as of late. I got an email from someone claiming to be you, Phyllis. Did you send me an email? I wrote back asking for you to call so I could confirm it was you, but there has been no phone call even though I have patiently waited for several weeks. Perhaps it was someone having a joke on me? I imagine it was because whoever wrote me said they feared Pat and his illness was going to drain everything you’d worked for all your life and you were prepared to leave him now. The letter detailed that you would not be able to leave him without him suing you for divorce and you’d leave with nothing. In the emails it went on to say how the jewelry store you work for has a lot of inventory for the holiday season and you could walk out with a purse full of gems and head straight for the airport.

It all sounds ridiculously crazy and I haven’t received a reply so I guess enjoy a good laugh that someone is spoofing me. Could it have been you and you’ve thought better of such a ridiculous plan? Ridiculous or not I actually even did some internet searching if there was a country where an American would not be extradited for jewelry theft. I was surprised at what I found, but I could never be an accessory or beneficiary of a crime.

I just wanted to get this out there and off my chest. There are some other things on my mind that I will write about later to you.

21 November 2021

I have often wondered whatever became of the gold betrothal bracelet I gave you?

When I gave you the bracelet as an engagement bracelet I did not do it consciously knowing it was how engagements were enacted in Biblical times.

In the Bible when a man and a woman became engaged (betrothed) to one another a divorce would be required if they later chose not to remain together. A prime example is given in the in the Gospels when Yosef was betrothed to Maria. The Gospels tell us that when the virgin Maria announced her pregnancy by the Holy Spirit that Yosef did not believe her at first and was making plans to “put her away secretly”. In plain language it means he was going to divorce her very discretely.

As someone who does believe in G_d, and our Savior Yeshua, I understand that in G_d’s eyes you became my wife and we never had a divorce. Do we say that G_d does not matter, and that a legal government contract of marriage supersedes G_d?

I do not bring up these things to punish you mentally, but I am relaying things that have punished me mentally over the years since you left me. These are things it has taken me a long time to understand. For so many years I attempted to run away from the pain, but now the days of running are over. I once dreamed that I might find love again, but it didn’t happen. Over the many years I finally accepted that there was but one love for me in this life that was meant to be and there would be no replacements.

One must decide whether their faith is real or if it is something one professes when it’s convenient or they can profit from the professing of such faith. The gravity of this revelation has weighed very heavily on me as a person of faith. My faith allows me to understand I have an obligation to you which has not been fulfilled, and may never be fulfilled in this lifetime, sadly.

Under the laws of the State of Kentucky you were not married to me when you married Patrick Hickey, but to me and to G_d we were man and wife already and that makes what you did adultery. I did the same, yet worse perhaps. I had sex with a girl I did not marry after you left me and married Patrick. It was all done by both of us in ignorance at the time, but just the same it was done. It was just several months ago that I reconnected with this certain young woman and asked her to forgive me for my actions of many years ago. I told her I knew I’d probably hurt her even though she ever said I did and that I now knew after what we did together I had an obligation to marry her. She understood and forgave me. While she did not see it as the issue I saw it as she understood my need to be forgiven. She is very happily married and her first grandchild just arrived a month ago. That made me think of the grandchildren we should have had that we could be enjoying now. Ah, well….

I don’t know that you and I ever had a discussion about G_d and faith, Phyllis. I guess that was our first downfall. I don’t know if you have any faith at all or not. I think the closest you and I ever got to the subject was listening together the Beach Boys song, God Only Knows. If you do not believe in G_d, our Savior Yeshua the Christ then I guess all I am saying to you has no meaning for you. I’ve shared what I wanted to share with you so now I will close the subject.

Leaving you this link on the latest and up to date research on the Shroud of Turin. Nobody can no longer say this burial shroud is the work of some medieval artist or a forgery. Even with all our modern technology scientists who have examined the shroud have stated that there is no way for man to reproduce such an image. I know faith can be a difficult road for many people, but this burial shroud is certain evidence of one thing. Whoever’s image is on this shroud was certainly loved of the Almighty Creator to have resurrected him from the dead and left such an undeniable testimony as this.

26 December 2021

Another morning awakening from a dream with you in it. For many years I have purposely avoided talking about dreams I’ve had with you. You’ve been there always in my dreams since I met you, probably even before I met you. Never the same dream twice although I know it’s possible that it’s happened and I have not remembered the dreams. Dream memory is often elusive. I’ve found that it’s very important at the very moment of beginning to reach consciousness from a dream that I must take great care to quickly mentally document the events that have just transpired or the dream is lost forever. I try to suppress full consciousness as long as possible while I review and document all moments of the dream still available to me in my mind. When I’m satisfied I’ve gone over the dream enough times and have it firmly documented in my mind I allow myself to become fully conscious. This has become my standard operating process for recounting my dreams.

Awakening from such dreams have the effect of making me quiet for hours as I contemplate all the moments of the dream like frames of a film. Because it’s almost like having been able to share a real moment so I must admit it does create a bit of melancholy for a while. I guess that is part of the being quiet for hours afterwards. Dreams are like some kind of parallel universe where we continue to be able to have new experiences with those we have lost. Are they new experiences or glimpses into other lives with the same soul?

What can one say about dreams? I know some people have had dreams where they experience memories from past reincarnations. A woman I follow on Facebook by the name of Jenny Cockell reincarnated almost immediately after the death of her life as a women named Mary who died from complications in childbirth. She was able to eventually track down all the children from her past life and meet them. All of the children who were now decades older than her were able to verify through memories (that she had no physical access to), that she was indeed their mother reincarnated.

I won’t go into details here, but as you may imagine, over the past 40 years I’ve dreamed every dream imaginable and then some. I do want to say though I had the honor of meeting your father, Jewell. Funny how dreams work where someone who has already passed over can show up in a dream to give away his daughter on her wedding day. In the dream Phyllis had her mother on one arm and father on the other as they escorted her to the wedding canopy.

Life is but a dream…

9 January 2022

Every day of my life I am unable to escape you. The image of your eyes sparkling in the sunlight through the kitchen window haunts me. The sunlight could not keep your pupils from dilating because of the love you were feeling for me. I know you loved me and still do, but somewhere along the line you got confused. I hope one day you will be able to explain that confusion to me that lead you to make the biggest mistake of your life. The love you gave to me I have held onto as a testimony that I was once loved in this world. Ever since you left me though it seems nothing has gone right in my life, although I know that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps in a past life together I hurt you very badly. Maybe in the last life it was I who left you and broke your heart and now I am experiencing the karma of that deed. Whatever the case may be, even though it hurts to still be in love with you and not be able to talk to you, I will yet cling to forgiveness and understanding, and the hope that one day you will wipe the tears from my eyes as I tell you I love you.

10 January 2022

Yes, I do believe that everything happens for a reason from lifetime to lifetime and from body to body. Indeed, that is the foundation of our life experiences on this school planet.

I was asking myself this morning what was it I could have done to hurt the soul of Phyllis Hogan so badly that I would be charged with so many years of my own soul suffering in this lifetime. To have become one with her in love and then to have that union crushed.

I am a firm believer in reincarnation. Anytime I discuss the validity of reincarnation with anyone I always ask them to watch two videos on Youtube about the documented past lives of James Leininger and Jenny Cockell, two people who are living today. Anytime my unbelieving mind would try to make me discount the phenomenon I go to these cases and review them again. Similarly, our heavenly Father created the resurrection shroud of Yeshua Messiah that could not be corrupted by man like the Scriptures have been.

I wish I could know if I will ever see Phyllis again before I die. One thing I can take to heart about reincarnation and karma is that if Phyllis and I do not resume our relationship in this lifetime we will in the next because that is how it all operates. Until an important life situation is resolved you will return with another chance to get it right. If I have to wait for the next life I swear I’m gonna be sure to marry her within days of finding her so I don’t lose her for another lifetime of heartbreak.

Facebook Wants You To Die

I posted the following link to a Project Veritas video of a Federal Employee nurse blowing the whistle on a co-worker nurse who died from getting the BioWeapon Vaccine and Facebook wants to accuse ME of spreading false information that could cause physical harm????

Facebook, I know of many people personally who took the vaccine and died because of vaccine without ever catching COVID! Facebook is evil, but is it a necessary evil? In my opinion Facebook should be declared a domestic terror organization because they are promoting a vaccine that has been proven to kill thousands of people.

So, here’s the video link that Facebook will not allow you to see:

About Ami Ron Ben Avraham, aka Timothy Layne Buckles, and Tim Layne

1:45pm erev Shabbos: Please forgive any typos in the early release of this article. I’ll come back later after Shabbos and proof read what I’ve written and do an update. I just wanted to get this out today because Hashem has greatly put it on my heart to do so.

Only yesterday I stumbled across the LASHON HARA article written in the Jerusalem Post by Jeremy Sharon on May 27th of 2021. Below is a link to the article .

Here it is hours away from Shabbos and since yesterday this began to press on my heart so much that I knew it must be from Hashem to write this article in support of Ami Ron Ben Avraham. Why is it that such pressing matters always want to rise up before Shabbos? Nevertheless, I’ll get a start on this article this morning and publish what I have, and as with all articles I write, then come back later and do updates.

Let me state for the record (doesn’t that sound like legal language?) that I do not know Ami Ron Ben Avraham or anything more about him than what is contained in this article. I had never heard of any of the organizations he is reported to be affiliated with, so this article is not so personal to me in that way, but it is very personal to me as a person of faith.

Stating something for the record does sound like legal language, and it was intentional because I feel like Ami Ron Ben Avraham has been wronged. I say that based on the scant knowledge I have at this moment. It’s now four months since the Jerusalem post article I cited came out and the situation may have been resolved? I doubt it. My thoughts are that the accusations thrown at Ami Ron Ben Avraham and his family are terrible and I’ll tell you why.

2000 years ago Jews who came to faith that Yeshua was the Messiah remained in their houses of worship. According to the book of Acts in the Christian New Testament even the Gentiles who came to faith that Yeshua was the promised Messiah of Judaism were going to the Jewish synagogue to learn hear the Torah every Shabbat. I believe the book of Acts is very clear that non-Jews were officially converting to Judaism as Paul gave them their minimum requirements to be able to keep themselves “clean” and attend services. No new religion was formed. There was only Judaism. The Christian religion that later formed was a creation of the Romans as a way to replace Israel. Many people of faith that are involved in Christianity are now understanding that and they know what “Come out of her my people” means. It means you need to come out of the pagan Christian system and return to Judaism, join the community, convert, and leave the errors of Christianity behind.

I was just browsing the comments section of the J-post article and it looks like others have written similar to what I am writing here. I don’t know if I can say much more than has already been said, but I just wanted there to be another voice denouncing the behavior of the Jerusalem Post with their slander, lashon hara, and obviously what looks like foaming at the mouth baseless hatred.

As a Jew myself I find it disgusting to see the authenticity of a convert questioned. I come from a family background where both sides of my family were Jewish, but for reasons I was unable to research I was never able to find out when they began living as Christians. Was it because of persecution as Jews? Regardless of the reasons I was unable to find any evidence outside of the Jewish family names on both sides. They may have become believers in Yeshua as their Messiah (or also known as Christians to some), but I have to wonder if they were hiding their Judaism. Had they been members of the church, yet kept the Shabbos, and lit Shabbos candles every Friday night? Anyway, all that to say this. I know in my heart my family is of Jewish ancestry on both sides even if I’ve been unable to prove it.

I don’t want this article to become about me, but what Ami Ron Ben Avraham and his family are going through I can fully understand. I don’t know their story, but I know that there is a great awakening going on right now. It exploded a little over 20 years ago. That’s about the time I began attending an Orthodox shul that had Chabad leadership. I finally felt like I was home being around Jews. People would often tell me I felt this way because I had a Jewish soul as many converts do. Back around 2004 when I was attending an Orthodox synagogue I had no clue about my Jewish background as I hadn’t searched it all out on yet. All I knew was that I was deeply drawn to people I thought of as family. I was drawn to the faith that was practiced by the one I understood to be Messiah ben Yosef.

When one leaves Christianity where do they go? When you understood that Yeshua strengthened the Commandments and you must become shomer Torah, and shomer Shabbos you are not going to find that with any organization that calls itself Messianic. For the most part these organizations are simply Christian churches in Jewish drag. There is no place to go to join the Jewish people in Christianity because none of those organizations have a true Torah-based leadership even if their leadership is an actual Jew who came to faith in Yeshua. The only way those organizations survive is to allow the Christians in with all their errors and desire to control things. To me, anything labeled “Messianic” is a mess.

When one comes to the understanding that Yeshua came and strengthened the Commandments you know in your heart there is only one true place to turn to and that is Orthodox Judaism. At this point I’m only assuming this is how Ami Ron Ben Avraham and his family felt. As believers in Yeshua they knew they had to convert to Judaism and keep the Torah. Yeshua said, “If you love me keep my Commandments”.

What is the trouble with Judaism? After World War II those Christians in Russia who were called “Shabbatnics” were granted aliyah to Israel because they kept the Torah and the Sabbath and to the Nazi’s were basically indistinguishable from the Jews, and as such suffered the same fate as the Jews in the concentration camps. I believe, based on this precedent, that any believer in Yeshua who is shomer Torah, and shomer Shabbos should be allowed to may aliyah.

So, what is the problem here? The problem is the Jewish Taliban. You thought ISIS and Taliban groups were just for Islam? Well, wake up! Who do you think sent Yeshua to the cross? The Jerusalem Post by posting such a horrid article has put Ami Ron Ben Avrahm and his family in great danger! I know from having lived in Jerusalem that there are Jews there that will slit your throat quicker than any Muslim would. They have perfect cover for their crime because obviously anyone who finds the bodies will know it was a Muslim hate crime against the Jews.

From what I’ve read there is no evidence that the Avraham family were trying to convert anybody. They were only trying to belong where they felt they belonged along with their faith in Yeshua. Judaism needs to get over it already! Yes, in many respects Christianity is a strange Roman religion that has murdered many Jews, but these people left that error and went to all the trouble to convert to Judaism because they knew they had to so that they could be right with G_d. I believe this is a great work of G_d in these last days that He is waking up the lost tribes of Israel and bringing them home.

If Judaism can know that G_d took on human form to meet with Abraham before destroying Sodom and Gomorrah then you better know that G_d can take on human form to become the Messiah. If G_d can take on human form and wrestle with Jacob all night until the dawn then you better know G_d can take on human form to become the Messiah. You want to make claims of idolatry? Who ironic is it that the Torah records the Jews were constantly whoring themselves out to ever false god and idol in the land and YHVH eventually divorced them and tore down there Temple for a second time and drove them out of the land of Israel. When the Torah itself gives record that G_d took on human flesh, yet the Jews time after time bowed down the idols of wood and stone, and their hearts became so hardened they can’t even see that Messiah is simply another theophany of Hashem himself. No mere human can fulfill the job of Messiah, unless that human be given all the powers of Hashem himself. Yes, the Roman’s lead people down the wrong road with their demonic hostile takeover of the Messianic faith, but Judaism must have responsibility to teach these people the error of their ways, but…. unfortunately….. The Jews must first remove the tree stuck in their own eye before removing the splinter from the lost sheep of Israel’s eye.

I’m gonna close this article with a huge crescendo. Judaism has known the difference between the Jewish Yeshua and the Greek/Roman Jesus all along. The Torah documents how Jews over and over again didn’t keep the Torah and instead joined the Torahless goyim. The Christian church is the Torahless goyim you are fighting, not the Jewish Yeshua who only came to strengthen the Torah and make Jews even more Orthodox than ever. The truth be said is that Jews know Yeshua is the Messiah, but once they understand that fact they have to zip their lip and keep it a secret like they have been doing for 2000 years because Greco-Roman Churchianity with their anti-Messiah Jesus is a demonic organization that only wants to kill and replace the Jews. Remember, it wasn’t the Jews hands that nailed Yeshua to the cross, it was Roman hands and those same hands today are the Christians that want to nail every Jew to a cross.

If you are a Christian reader and you do not believe what I have said and are outraged and wanna call me a Judaizer then perhaps you should ask yourself why Yeshua pleaded, “Come out of her my people!” I’m not pointing the finger at every Christian and saying they are demonic, but I am saying you are deceived by a demonic system that goes against the teachings of Messiah Yeshua. I’m not afraid to call out evil. When I see evil Christian celebrities like Joni and Marcus Lamb of the Daystar Christian tv network and how they mock Jews who come on their network it makes me wanna puke. Marcus Lamb’s famous mocking phrase in his exaggerated hillbilly hick accent is “A real, live Jewish Rabbi.” He’s used that more than once when introducing Messianic Jews Rabbi’s on their broadcasts. They have flat out refused to allow me be interviewed on their network because they know I’m gonna call them out for the workers of iniquity that they are from the Satanic Whore of Babylon system.

Ami Ron Ben Avrahm, if you find my article I’d love for you to contact me in confidence. Know that what has happened to you is G_d ordained because He is casting a light on this whole issue as he wants all his shomer Torah and shomer Shabbos people together whether or not they believe Yeshua is the promised Messiah. We need to work together hand in hand defending each other against our enemies, the Christians, the Muslims, and the atheist goyim. I know to those who don’t understand the issues will think what I have just said is horrible and harsh, but it is not. To those awake they understand the peril that Christians are in by denying the keeping of the Torah. Yeshua said he is going to say to them one day, “Go away from me ye who work iniquity. I never knew you.”

The Cure for Homosexuality and Transgenderism

Leviticus 20:13
“If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.”

According to the Law of the Creator men (and men impersonating women, aka transgenders) who have sex with other men are to be put to death.

Formerly, I have written separate articles on this website directed at two groups of people who identify as homosexuals and transgender. I do make it clear in those articles that people suffering from homosexuality and the gender dysphoria of transgenders are both suffering from the same mental illness.

Yes, homosexuality and transgenderism result from mental illness. At its foundation this mental illness is exactly the same for the homosexual and the transgender. Both groups suffer from the same common dysfunctional affects of gender dysphoria that most times is a spiritual condition arising from re-incarnation. A small percentage may be suffer organically from gender dysphoria and sexual orientation confusion due to intersex chromosomal issues.

At least in America, a generation ago, we once lived in a once ultra homophobic society where as soon as a child was old enough to speak they learned to hide any behaviors that did not match their birth sex or they more often than not would be threatened with physical violence. Sissy boys and masculine girls would be shunned by normal kids and punished in various ways by parents. In these generations past these children grew up learning how to hide their differences in something called a closet. As a result many grew out of such feelings/compulsions and never acted upon their mental confusion and went onto live natural and positive lives. Others entertained their confusion and acted upon their desires and came out of their closets.

Today we live in a world where more and more people are supporting children’s gender dysphoric behaviors which leads to easy recruitment by adults who are living fully fledged homosexual and transgender lifestyles. These confused people adopt an identity–a false identity that they are homosexual or where somehow born into the wrong body. They are then recruited into something called PRIDE. Make no mistake! Homosexuals and transgenders most definitely are recruiters for their lifestyle that goes against the Commandment’s of our Creator.

So, what is the cure for the gender dysphoria that leads people to enter into homosexual acts and some to mutilate heathy bodies in order to mimic the opposite sex? First, one must understand how and why gender dysphoria develops in the pre-homosexual and the pre-transgender.

The cure for homosexuality and transgenderism happens naturally when someone understands their true identity, not the false identity they have adopted. What is one’s true identity? In simplest terms your identity is based on being a child of G_d. The deeper and more technical answer to one’s identity is to understand what a child of G_d is.

If you come from a Muslim or Christian background you probably have been programmed to not believe in reincarnation. Yeshua, the Messiah of Judaism included reincarnation in his teachings as recorded in the New Testament, G_d the Father even incarnated into a human body when he physically appeared to Abraham with a couple angels while on the way to destroy the homosexual city of Sodom where we get the word “sodomy” from which is defined as anal sex. G_d also took on human form and wrestled with Jacob. So let’s understand this. G_d himself most definitely incarnated into human form in the Old Testament, but when he takes on human form again in the form of Yeshua the Messiah some people don’t want to believe that G_d is able to take on human form? How can Muslim’s or Christian’s not believe in reincarnation in light of this Biblical truth? How can the Christian or Muslim’s faith have any validity at all if they are denying the way in which G_d the Father brings about our salvation???

At our foundation our being is spirit with or without a human body attached to it. The spirit/soul being does not need a human body, but it enters a human body for short time for an experience. A soul is not assigned any sex (or gender). A genderless soul enters a body that has a sex.

What happens when you reincarnate into a body that is the opposite sex of your last reincarnation? People who have past life memories are experiencing past life reincarnation bleed over. For example, someone who is born male and was female in their past life can experience a bleed over from their past life as a female causing them to experience gender confusion that also results in sexual orientation confusion.

If people were armed with this knowledge in their faith in G_d then we wouldn’t have the sad epidemic of confused people now living the transgender and homosexual lifestyles that are against G_d’s Commandments. The biggest problem is that many people do not want to believe in G_d. They want to believe in sexual pleasure as their G_d.

Obituary for Yosef Ben David

(Writing my own as I have no family left to write one for me when I’m gone)

Yosef was born in April 1964 in Louisville, Kentucky and passed away on ____. He is survived his wife, the former Miss _____ _____ _____. Yosef is proceeded in death by his mother the former Virginia Lee Hall in 1993 and his father David Ryan Kirchner in 2005. His maternal grandmother whom he was very close to, the former Mary Katherine Horstmann. passed in 2004. As his grandfather Odes Hall has passed in 1947 Yosef never knew him, but his grandmother had remarried and Yosef grew up knowing Herman Washburn the town dentist of La Grange, Kentucky as his grandfather who passed in 1974. Also proceeding Yosef in death of his immediately family is a half brother John Russel Gould, and a half sister Laura Rene Hall.

Unknown to him until he was 13-years-old the man named Charles Hall, who had been entered on his birth certificate as his father, was indeed, not his biological father, but his first stepfather his mother had married hastily after divorcing her husband of two years, David Kirchner. She never disclosed her pregnancy at the time of her divorce from David Kirchner.

Later in life after meeting his real father David, Yosef was renamed after his father’s father who had since passed away in 1974. Yosef’s paternal grandmother, the former Nora Margaret Kestler, passed away in 1981. Yosef never had to chance to meet those grandparents.

Yosef spent much of his formative years growing up on his grandparents 20-acre farm in La Grange, Kentucky where he helped raise beef cattle, and chickens. Yosef recalled, “There was never much time to be idle on the farm. There as always some fence line that needed repairing to keep the cattle from escaping and outside of the winter months there was always the huge vegetable garden.” Anytime the weather was nice was a time to go fishing in the pond or the lake on the farm. In July it was time to comb the countryside picking blackberries. Once the blackberry harvesting was done the garden would begin producing and canning and freezing of vegetables and fruit from the fruit tree’s would take place right on up till the first hard freezes of fall.

In 1977 at age 13 Yosef met the girl to whom he’d eventually become engaged to that was to become his wife, ____ _____ ____. ____ and Yosef’s plans hit a bump in the road though a couple years later when Yosef’s mother remarried and decided to move the family to Florida. Yosef had assured ____ he would return for her at age 18 when they could be married and sure enough in April of 1982 Yosef returned to Kentucky on the eve of his 18th birthday to live with his grandmother. Yosef was looking forward to being reunited with ____ and planning a wedding. At the church he and his grandmother attended Yosef met a lot more of his family relations. It was just a small country church, but Yosef knew it would be the perfect eventual place for his wedding to ____.

Within a month of Yosef’s return to Kentucky his heart was broken and all his hopes were dashed. ____ ran off and married another guy in the month of May. Yosef’s life would never be the same. The girl he’d loved with all his heart and soul was gone and all Yosef was left with was a lot of unanswered questions, and of course, a badly broken heart.

Yosef couldn’t bear to remain in Kentucky and so he returned to Florida hoping his friends would see him through this dark night of the soul. Yosef began experimenting with alcohol and marijuana during his last year of high school to escape the deep pain of a life that no longer seemed to have any direction without the girl he loved. His high school friends were all consumed with parties and drinking and then there was the Friday night Midnight movie called Rocky Horror Picture Show that was popular among teens who were exploring their sexuality. This weekly habit became a way for Yosef to enter an alternative lifestyle that insured no other woman would ever take the place of only girl he’d ever love. During this time Yosef was arrested for driving while under the influence of alcohol and drugs. There were a couple hospitalizations for suicide attempts. Yosef was lucky to have survived this dark time in his life and manage to graduate from high school.

Times does not heal all wounds, but as the years slowly past Yosef got the bleeding to stop, and worked to get his life back on track and make something out of himself. Inspired by his grandmother he went to nursing school which became helpful during the declining years preceding his grandmother’s passing. After her passing Yosef returned to school again to become a Psychologist.

In 2007 _____ contacted Yosef again. Yosef recounted, “She spoke rather timidly at first, but soon opened up about the lazy, no good, and abusive man she had married. She told of how he wouldn’t work a job so she worked to support them as a gemologist at various jewelry stores wherever they would move to next. She said he did mow peoples lawns for some extra cash, but that was about all he did. He’d never allow her to have her own automobile and he’d drive her to work and pick her up everyday. She was never allowed to leave her work premises, not even to take a lunch break with co-workers at a café just across the parking lot from her employment. The shades always had to be pulled in the home so nobody could look in the windows at her, and she could only have her hair cut by her own brother at the salon he owned, on Sunday’s when the salon was closed to the public and no lights were allowed to be turned on to attract attention to her. ____ had a co-worker named Donna who also revealed a lot of what ____ endured in her abusive marriage. What a horrible life _____ had gotten herself into with the creep she married. She obviously regretted her mistake, but she was stuck. I tried to see if she had the courage to leave him, but she was afraid he’d kill her if she ever tried. That’s when she became uncomfortable talking to me and like many years ago she abruptly abandoned me once again and I haven’t heard from her since 2008.”

To be continued….

Before my life on earth ends I have a few things I’d like to say

A last words journal of a dying man

As my life begins to come to a close my mind becomes thoughtful of those loved ones I hope to soon meet again, and to those who are left behind that I feel apologetic for all the things I wish you could have been said or we could have done together while there was still time.

Where do I begin? Will the first person I choose to speak about somehow rate higher than others? I don’t want this to be the case. Funny, but as I started to write this the song, Cats In The Cradle, began playing on my Pandora station. I’ll take that as a sign that I should first talk about my father, David Ryan Kirchner who passed away in 2005 from a prescription drug overdose.

I wasn’t blessed to have grown up with my father as after two years of marriage my mother divorced him never letting him know she was pregnant with his child. I think that was an evil thing for my mother to do. I was his child as much as hers and he should have had all rights to have a proper relationship to me starting with being there holding me when I was born. If my mother would have revealed her pregnancy to him could that have been a catalyst for them to fix whatever was wrong in their relationship so I could have grown up with a loving father instead of not knowing him till I was 25-years-old and sought him out on my own?

Imagining my parents being centered in love and forgiveness and having a healthy marriage where I had the chance to growth up in a nurturing environment is a nice fantasy I’ve often entertained since the age of 13 when my mother first revealed to me who my real father was.

It was another of my mother’s drunken evenings when I was 13 that decided to break my heart a bit more as she abusively screamed the question, “Do you want to know who your real father is? It’s not Chuck Hall!” She grabbed me by the hair of the head and shoved me down into a ladderback chair that sat between my fish tank on a chest of drawers and my bedside table, and continued her verbal and physical abuse.

My memory of this event is etched deeply in my memory so please forgive me for giving specific details like the glass bottle of green apple scented body splash that my mother picked up and beat me over the head with. She hit me over the head till the cap broke off the bottle and the entire contents poured over my head and into my eyes and it burned. If only I somehow could have stopped this all from happening like it was a nightmare I could wake up from somewhere over the rainbow. Opening my eyes in a place where these clouds of my childhood were far behind me was not possible. Stopping reality was not possible. My mother was in control and my abused mentally could only respond in one way, taking the abuse, and continuing to be a good boy so hopefully the abuse would not get worse.

This abusive event culminated in my mother taking me with her to the kitchen where the phone book was and looking up the phone number of the home of the parents of my biological father. I filled with fear. I was all eyes as I memorized the page number in the phone book where she found their number with the address of Alton Road in St. Matthews which was not far from where we were living. Why I never called that phone number after that night I do not know. My mother got my dad’s mother on the phone and revealed to her after all these years that she’s had a son by David. I don’t recall the rest of the conversation, but it wasn’t a long one. As usual, the next morning nothing was ever said again about my real father, and as the child of an abusive alcoholic I knew very well not to ever bring the subject up because anytime you confront an abusive alcoholic parent with the abusive behavior or anything they did while drunk it only stirs up more anger in them and you will be get abused even worse the next time they get drunk. This was my life as a kid. This was the mode of regular abuse I endured.

Life had gotten better for the brief 18 months my mother was married to Bob, but then he died and my brief respite from abuse was gone. Thankfully, my mother sought herself out another alcoholic by the name of Charlie Bush and he became my 3rd stepfather. Together they hatched a plan to move us all away from Louisville, Kentucky 1000 miles away to Tampa, Florida. This move prevented me from entertaining any hopes of meeting my real father. I had a whole plan rehearsed where I was going ride my bicycle over to his home where he lived with his parents and I was going to knock at the door pretending to be a neighborhood boy looking to cut lawns for the summer.

It’s difficult to be open about this lost hope of meeting my father. If I could have only met him, maybe he would have fought to keep me and I would have never had to leave Kentucky or the girl I loved. In my imagination the family would agree to have me cut their lawn and they even provided the mower. As I’d return the mower to their garage there would be my father with some woodworking project and I’d show great interest in what he was created and ask him if he’d teach me. I guess you can imagine how the rest of my fantasy unfolded with us growing to know each other and one day he’d say to me, “I wish I had a son like you”, to which I’d reply, “You remember being married to Virginia Hall? I am your son.” How my life could of changed, if only…

Some people get stuck in pride in life and dare not drink from the wellspring of humility and forgiveness as if it were poison to them. People get stuck in their ways and belief systems without keeping an open mind to other possibilities. Why do people get so psycho instead of being easygoing?

Yeah, so my dear father, David Ryan Kirchner, is gone without me ever getting closure on our relationship, but I am thankful we got to have one. I’m thankful I was able to find out what a caring and fun man he was. I’m thankful I was able to know both my mother and father and ultimately know my mother didn’t deserve such a good man. She ran him off like she did every single one of her husband’s, save the one that escaped through death after 18 months of marriage.

I guess I kinda killed two birds with one stone with those recollections from my childhood. You might think I have a lot of resentment towards my abusive mother, but what I have for her is deep pity in my soul and heart that she somehow became the person she was. What was her psychological trauma that made her they way she was? I wonder if she ever knew the family secret that her mother’s grandfather was born into slavery? Certainly, passing for White, but having the skeleton of half White/half Black great grandfather meant that no matter how White you looked, if people where to know your secret they would consider you Black too. Maybe that was part of my mother’s psychological torment that made her such an abusive person? I can imagine if she knew she may have resented her mother for ever having children that would have to bear such a family history in a world that at the time was not very accepting of such.

In August of 1994 I had prepared to have a special conversation with my mother on the 1st anniversary of her death. I had rehearsed a lot of grievances as the months, weeks, and days passed till her yahrzeit arrived. I lit a candle next to her photo that sat atop my fireplace mantle and I began to speak to her as if she were actually there listening. All that anticipation of the day and the preparation came to an immediate screeching halt when it suddenly hit me that she already painfully knew my long list of grievances. Was it a spiritual connection where she let me know she already knew how badly she had hurt me and let me down? All that preparation for that big talk with mom was for not because I knew in my soul that if she could come back just for two minutes she say how sorry she was and she’d hug me and tell me she loved me for the first time in my life. I realized all was left to do instead of airing my grievances was just to let it all go with forgiveness and a great burden was lifted from my heart in 2 seconds and I went on with my day.

I missed so much by not having my father as I should have had all my life. I suffered much from a mother who was very mentally and physically abusive to me. In my heart though all is forgiven because I have hope in my heart that one day I will see them again and they will have reunited before my arrival and I expect the best family hug with the three of us. I admit I don’t fully know how heaven works, but I do hope it’s a grand reunion with all those who have known and loved.

I have shared this thought with only a few people, but my dream is that when I close my eyes in eternal sleep and reopen them on the other side that I will find myself in a glowingly beautiful sunlit meadow of grass and white daisies, Scotch thistles, and milkweed in bloom. Is I am walking I begin to recognize the slope of the rolling meadows and the oak trees and then I know where I am. I am home on my grandparents farm again and as I round the corner of the pasture gate our lake comes into view. Everyone is there fishing and waiting for me to arrive. Grandma, grandpa, mom and dad together, aunt Mary and Uncle Eddie, the cousins, all the great aunts and uncles and their families, even my half brothers and sisters that I don’t have much resolution on yet. Everybody I’ve ever known or loved is there and it’s the best family and friends reunion ever. A lovely new pavilion has been built on the lakeside with picnic tables, grills, and an attached dock that lead out into the water. The best time ever. Family, and the love of family has always been so important to me, and I never got to taste enough of it in my lifetime.

Onto Phyllis Hogan. I guess I’ll go to my grave never really knowing what happened to you that made you jump and marry someone else the month following my April 1982 return to Kentucky for you. And of all people, Patrick Hickey? I remember him from school and what mean person he was. He certainly has the personality to become a Marine. They look for a certain psychological type and he had it in spades. I know you have suffered much for having married such an abusive asshole, so I won’t say anymore about him. I just wish I could know what was going on with you. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve often wondered if your desperation was due to the loss of your father a few years before we met. You and I never talked about your grief over him.

I think back doing that “what if” and “if only” thing. Why was I such a good boy who wanted to wait for marriage for sex? I know the reason. I was so abused into never misbehaving that I didn’t have the ability some people have to give into reckless abandon. Were you trying to get me to have sex with you so you could trap us into an earlier marriage? I suspect you were. Why didn’t you tell me? I was clueless. If you could have explained the plan to me I would have been on board before my mother ever decided to move my family to Florida and I imagine it would have prevented us from ever moving.

So, let me do the math….58 – 15 = 43. Wow! Our oldest child would be 43 now! Of course I know our first would have been a boy. I see him now taking over the farm duties for his dad who just can’t do it all anymore. That’s the way it should be. I’d like to imagine at least some of our kids would have wanted to live on the farm property and build homes there. 20 acres is enough room. Imagine how many grandchildren we’d have running around now! Life would be so full of love and so many blessings. I think we would have moved your mom out to the farm too. She was so lovely and I would not have had it any other way. Your mom and I talked a lot over the years, but not at the end of her life. Did she ever tell you of us talking when you had begun communicating with me again back in 2007? I don’t know if your mom felt she should keep our conversations to herself or not. I just never thought of it. I’ve always been one to keep confidences with people so it’s just part of who I am, not to keep secrets, but I guess you’d say to have special confidential relationships? You mom always made time for me and was so kind. She was a good listener and went above and beyond when she truly had no reason to with me. It was part of who she was, a deeply caring person. I miss her a lot. Gotta take a break now….


28 September 2021

Have I mentioned I have not taken the COVID vaccine? I’m one of those people that have been advised by my doctors that I should not take any of the vaccines because due to my XO/XY Mosaic chromosome pattern I am one of those people at high risk of forming fatal blood clots from the vaccine. World-wide there have been many thousands of death from blood clots after receiving the vaccine and the numbers continue to rise. I know the possibility exists that I could catch COVID and it would be fatal for me in a matter of days because I have lung damage from a nerve pain drug I once took called Gabapentin/Lyrica. I know that any of us could go at any time from something as simple as heart failure, heart attack, or stroke, but those have a better survival rate than COVID. It’s an ugly new world I live in now where I live under the pressure that something as simple as going to the grocery could cost me my life. I guess I have a bit of an easier time than most adjusting to isolation as I grew up in a type of isolated life on a farm. I’m not on a farm now however. I live in a home with only patio space for my garden. How I wish I was back home in Kentucky on the land that was my grandparents farm.

27 September 2021

The nightmares have begun again. The same nightmares I used to have when I was 16 after being hospitalized for a suicide attempt after my fiancé Phyllis Hogan sent me a letter telling me she never wanted to see me again.

This time the nightmares are worse because all the memories I have previously blocked as part of the post traumatic shock syndrome (PTSD) have now after 40 years coming flooding back all in exacting and vivid detail. For these past decades I could only remember what are called small flashbulb memories–an event here or there as if it were like a photo taken when you are stunned by the flashbulb of a camera and you remember nothing surrounding the time of the photo, but just that moment in time.

In my work as a psychotherapist I understood and taught this phenomenon that people went through after experiencing trauma how for many years memories they would have no access to certain memories and then one day some occurrence in their lives would allow all the memories to come back. Today I have experienced that phenomenon now for myself. Now I know what my patients have felt. Everyone’s memories of traumatic events that return to them are different, but the similarity is in how the individuals then experience the full emotional impact of the trauma all over again. I woke myself up this morning crying from the events of a dream that I assume is part of what unlocked the memories I’m buried so deep.

I imagine this has now happened due to the additional emotional trauma I’ve been experiencing since trying to re-establish contact with Phyllis. She has refused to contact me either by email or phone call so I could have my questions answered of why she did what she did to me all those years ago. Phyllis’ sister Zina Gelona has been acting as a reluctant go-between telling me what Phyllis has said. The most recent message relayed was that a photo I had posted on my page of Phyllis that she had taken and sent to me she wanted removed from my page. In the foggy mindset that preceded all these memories now coming back I had posted the photo and it wasn’t until I went back and read the email the photo arrived with that I realized Phyllis had requested I never post the photo on my website. Truly, I had forgotten that request just the same as the memories of years ago had been forgotten until today. That’s the truth. That’s the power that this girl who was once my everything has had over me. The girl that was to become my wife when I turned 18 and returned to Kentucky to marry her, but within weeks of my return she suddenly went before a justice of the peace and married Patrick James Hickey, who had been known by all as the biggest asshole jerk in school. It’s hard to write these words at this moment because all these memories are flooding in as vividly as it happened yesterday.

The reason for my return to Kentucky….I’m searching for words to describe it. I fell into a pit of despair. She was gone. No longer my fiancé, but now the stark legal reality I had to face was she was another man’s wife. My mission a failure I decided to return to my family in Florida and that’s when I began to self destruct. The intense heartache and pain I experienced I somehow had to survive, but how? Friends would say that all wounds heal in time and time will help you to forget. Some of that was true, but little did I know, at that time as a young 18-year-old man, extensive psychological trauma was more in charge of the healing and forgetting that I consciously was. Honestly, I do not know how I managed to survive that time if not for the support of some really close friends.

I’ve pleaded and pleaded with Phyllis through messaging with her sister Zina and through this website to please explain to me why she hurt me so deeply several times, but still I receive no reply from Phyllis. So, now, once again in my life I enter uncharted waters so-to-speak, but this time I am equipped with a roadmap. I know I could go and speak with some of my therapist friends in the area and maybe I will, but what I have found to be most helpful over the years is to write. Now, that all the memories have returned I don’t want them all to disappear in a puff of smoke like they did 40 years ago when my life became another life out of the need for survival. So today, I will resume my blog to Phyllis. I’m not a malicious or vengeful person so I don’t want my actions to be perceived by anyone as such, but I know there is but one way to truly heal and with the help of Phyllis giving me the answers I need I have to heal as best I can my own way.

After that dream this morning, waking up traumatized, and having all these memories just fall out of a box that has been locked for 40 years has made me feel so sad. There is a darkness surrounding me, and I know this darkness well. It’s the very darkness of suicidal feelings that Phyllis drove me to more than once in my life. In the Bible we are told of the husband and wife, “And two shall become one”. In the Hebrew language the word for “One” is Echad. My soul had already fused with Phyllis and we had already become one, but then she tore us apart and ever since that time I’ve felt like I’ve only been a half of a person. The other half of me went on about her life no caring about how she ruined mine.

I need to resume my blog about Phyllis and what she did to me. I feel it’s the only way I’m going to be able to take the steps need to hold on after this most recent time of rejection from her. Just so my readers know a bit of the back story Phyllis has begun phoning me and emailing me back in 2007 and she went on at length about understanding what a mistake she had made marrying Patrick Hickey and that I was the only guy she ever loved. For two years we emailed back and forth and had some phone calls and I just let her unload on me about her horrible life of terror with an abusive man. It was not an easy situation for me to deal with. Part of me was overjoyed she was contacting me because it gave me hope she would leave him and her and I would have a chance to reconnect and repair our relationship. When you are dealing with a woman who has been abused in a marriage for decades however the success rate is very low that the abused woman will leave the abusive husband. I tried to help her formulate a plan of escape. I recently found out from her sister that all of her siblings at one time or another offered their support to help her leave Patrick Hickey, but time after time she’d return to him. The only thing I can imagine was that she didn’t want to divide the assets from the marriage and the only way to get everything would be to outlive her abuser if possible.

So, here I am. I’m a survivor. I don’t feel like much of a survivor though because like a soldier in war I have not come home in one piece. It’s time to delve deeply into what has happened and tell the true story of myself and Phyllis Hogan. The new blog to Phyllis doing just that will begin today. I fear the memories I blocked out so many years ago may just return to whatever hidden place they resided in for all these years and I feel an urgency to begin, in the least, a bullet list of memories that may allow for them not all to vanish again.

I do not know what to expect as I proceed, but I will take you all along with me. At this moment I will thank many of you in advance. Those who may be reading my page for the first time and those of you who have been following my story for years. I have appreciated all the emails from you all that have truly made this road less traveled a bit easier. See you at the new blog!

23 September 2021

Hey Bright Eyes, I got into a bit of a tiff with your go-between the Warrior Princess today lol about a photo of you that I deleted from my blog and even deleted the blog page itself. I think it’s simply just a vestigial photo what will be deleted from Google Images once their web crawler see’s the page no longer exists. It may take a few weeks. I reported to Google I wanted them to remove the photo and that’s the most I can do.

I’m sorry if you are upset about it, but I’ve done all I can do to right the situation.

I have an idea. Like I’m the brainy one here with all the great ideas? lol Why don’t you just have one of your siblings purchase an extra phone on their cell phone carrier account and give the phone to you to use? You can keep it locked up at work and you can contact me on it and the old coot will never have to know. I can’t go on like this. You are killing me. All I want is for us to be able to communicate like adults. I became a psychotherapist to help other people to communicate, but the irony is the person I want to communicate with the most in life is holding me at arms length and I think it’s causing me to short circuit.

I have worked hard to put you out of mind as best I can, but it doesn’t work because his boy never stopped loving you and no other woman could ever take your place. If I don’t have a snowflake’s chance in hell with you one day then you need to just say so and I’ll go away forever and that will give me the closure I need, but if you tell me that then I need answers to the questions that will give me closure. I need to know if you were trying to SAVE US by trying to get me to have sex with you at age 17 so you’d become pregnant and you could hold onto me. Is that what it was all about? You need to explain those actions because in hindsight it all seems it could have been your plan because I remember you showing me your monthly cycle calendar and it was very strange that day when I was visiting you that your mother left us alone in the house while she went out to the grocery or wherever and you immediately told me to come up to your bedroom and when we got there you threw yourself on the bed and asked me to make love to you. It was a good plan, but I was just too much of a “good boy” to have sex before our wedding night. I wanted our love story to be perfect with no stain on it. It all that was your plan to keep me you could have just told me and I would have been game to run off to anyplace that would have allowed us to marry at 17 and 16. You just didn’t let me in on your big plan, and now I need to know in my heart if that was really what you were trying to accomplish that day. Was it a desperate attempt to save us? I have been so tortured by this all these years. I’m not ashamed to say I never stopped loving you, never forgot you, and I never gave myself to another woman. You know the rest of the story where I tried to bury my pain in other ways of coping being without you. Now, I’ve got enough years behind me to know that my mother was in part correct when she said she felt I tried to lose myself in an alternative lifestyle because you left me. I’m not blaming you. I never would. I take full responsibility always for all my mistakes. I am thankful to have gone through a lot of healing work, but at the end of the day the chaff is gone and the wheat remains. That kernel of truth is that the young man you let go never, never, never stopped loving you and even if all I got to have with you are some golden years spent in the same nursing home together they would be the best years of my life.

Please though, be merciful to me. Tell me there is no chance for me or tell me to wait for you. II have to know. I can’t go on like this. Your emails of love you sent me during 2007-2009 gave me the hope that burns in my heart today.

I will find the grace to accept you decision even if it’s the one that will hurt deeply after all these years of hoping.

14 September 2021

So, “Anna”… I’m getting used to writing my thoughts to you here. I feel it was a bit of a shame to take down the other pages where I had journaled to you, but I realized I needed to follow your directions to use the pseudonym of “Anna” for you and because going through the entries and changing everything over to “Anna” would have been a long and tedious chore I just decided to hit delete and start over.

You know, I only recently began reading our emails again that we wrote 2007-2009. I guess you had to delete all those emails, but I kept every one and cherish them because you wrote to me that you still love me, and have thought of me so often over the years after having had made that mistake with “the old coot” as you call him. You know I hadn’t been able to return and read those emails for years because when you stopped writing me I was very sad again. It’s still a bit sad now to read them and feel how close you were to perhaps leaving the old coot, but more than sadness, now when I read them I feel hope renewed by your words therein. I know the innocent, perfect, and true love we found together has still remained flickering in your heart as in mine all these years. If you are the girl I thought I knew back then I know she still survives today, and one day when we see each other again it will be so effortless and simple to just pick up the joy we used to feel together long ago. All the time between will seem like nothing. It will all be gone forever in the past, and we won’t sorrowfully remind ourselves of the time apart. We’ll just be glad that the special love we had was true enough to survive the years apart. We will hold hands again and walk in the park and your eyes will make the skies blue again.

If I have done anything that has hurt you or upset you I want to apologize. I want you to know I’m sorry for anything I may have done that you may feel has wronged you. I hope you can forgive me and my human failings.

13 September 2021

Today was a tough day for me. I cried a lot. Since this COVID pandemic started nearly two years ago I have prided myself in sharing that staying at home has not really changed myself lifestyle. I tell people I grew up on a farm for most of my young years so I’m used to my home being my castle. I’m still a homebody today enjoying my garden that I water every morning, I enjoy being retired with time to spend doing that and studying, cooking, etc. The other day I made blackberry jam. Homemade tastes so much better than the store-bought stuff.

Anyway, today was kinda hard because it was an emotional day for me. I had to let go of something today. I know a lot of my readers have been following a separate blog I had on this site about the girl I was supposed to marry when I was 18. I’m gonna call her “Anna” as that is what she asked to use instead of her real name. Some years back from 2007-2009 we had resumed communicating after a lot of years. I had written things about her using her real name elsewhere on this site, but today I took all that down and from now on will just write about here as “Anna” here. It was an emotional day leading up to this decision because I allowed myself for the first time since 2009 to go back and read through the many emails we exchanged. Allow me to explain a bit more.

“Anna” I had met when we were 14 and began dating, fell in love, and were going to get married. Before our dreams could be realized, my widowed mother got married again and moved my family 1000 miles away and to make the long story short “Anna’s” feelings for me were unable to survive the time needed before I could return to her at age 18 and we become married. I returned to my home state anyway at age 18 still determined we’d accomplish what we had promised to do. Just several weeks after my return “Anna” ran off and had a quickie justice of the peace marriage to a guy I knew as the most psycho evil guy in our school. I was devastated all over again. Years past and I had kept in touch a couple times with her sister and many times with her mother. I kept hoping the disastrous marriage would fall apart and “Anna” would return to me. It didn’t happen because this psycho dude she married had her so mentally abused she was afraid for her life if she tried to leave him. She found me on the Internet and began email me in 2007 and we corresponded a lot over the next two years. She admitted how she was thinking of me on the day she married the psycho. She told me how much she still loved me and that I was the only person that had ever made her feel loved. I tried to convince her of how she could safely get away from her captor and we’d pick up our lives together and be happily-ever-after. She became frightened and fearful of him finding her out and she feared for her life, and so the easy thing for her to do was to stop writing me.

I had to go through another withdrawal almost as painful as the one a couple decades before had been. I tried to close the door on that part of my life, but it was really to no avail. I had begun writing my memoires and she was a big part of my life. Another decade rolls slowly past and she still preyed upon my mind. By inspiration from another author my memoire evolved into an autobiographical novel that focused on this present life and imagined other lifetimes “Anna” had spent together as romantic soul mates.

So, that’s where we are today. Today I decided to take down the other pages about her and her photo’s because firstly and foremost I knew she didn’t want her story known. She will simply be known as “Anna” from now on.

I think perhaps I’m finally beginning to lose hope. Nearly two years I’ve cheated death during this COVID pandemic. I’m one of those people who cannot get vaccinated for medical reasons. As many of my readers know I have an XO/XY Mosaic chromosome pattern because of that pattern if I took the vaccine I’d probably get blood clots all over my body and I’d be dead. Yeah, so, near two years of trying to stayed distanced, masked, safe, has not been so bad, but I guess everybody has their own breaking point. I’ve been trying to stay as positive and safe as possible, but the truth be known all it takes is only tiny breach and with the lung condition I have I’d be a goner in a matter of days.

So, this is what has me down. The thought of never seeing the girl I’ve loved with all my heart for my entire life I may not get to see again before I die. All these years I been thinking that just maybe the evil bastard she’d married would die and go to hell and she’d finally be free and I’d see her again. Well, now with COVID and my 6th decade nearing I’ve just begun to lose the hope I’d had for years.

“Anna”, know that I’m sorry for adding stress and worry to your life with my website. I hope you might understand that it was a cry for help. I guess I’ve finally started to crack a bit under the pressure of this prolonged deadly pandemic and I fear dying without ever being able to see you, touch you, and to hold you one more time and tell you that I have loved you all this time and that your love was the only beautiful thing that ever came into my life. If I could only hold you once more and know that you loved me I’d die a happy man.

I don’t think I’ll ever get that chance now so forgive me for succumbing to desperation. I know you’ve heard the old saying that every day is a gift. How precious is that knowing now. It’s almost as if every hour is precious. I do my best to be safe. I only leave the house once a week to buy food and then I spend the next several days trying to worry about any symptoms appearing from exposure to COVID. It’s as if it’s come down to living from week to week.

I’ve discussed with my friend that I go to the grocery with that I will just began having my groceries delivered. I wish I could somehow hear from you, Bright Eyes.

15 August 2021

I was out watering my garden this morning before the sunrise when quite a beautiful phenomenon occurred. I should have ran inside and grabbed my camera so I had a photo to place here, but I don’t think a photo in this case could take the place of a thousand words.

The sun has not yet risen above the mountains so I became very perplexed when all around me a peach colored bright light filled my garden. When the light came I was bending over filling my watering can. Because I keep the word of our Lord Yeshua in my heart I immediately became aware. I was nearly afraid to look up to see where this beautiful mysterious light was coming from. As I turned my eyes towards the heavens I saw something we rarely see here in the desert. A beautiful cloud was positioned directly above me and was illuminated a beautiful peach color. I looked back down into my garden in wonder at how everything looked so lovely bathed in this peach light. I held out my hand to see the light on my skin and noticed the light was so bright it was casting a shadow. I enjoyed this lovely phenomenon for several minutes before the sun came up over the mountain and began to break through the trees. The lovely light began to fade, but my memory of it will not.

10 August 2021

13 July 2021

Today marks the 58th year since my conception in the womb. I learned something new today. The Christian world for some reason believes from their interpretation of the 9th Chapter of Daniel that it’s the anti-Messiah that will confirm a covenant with many for a week and thing bring about the abomination of desolation in the midst of the week. This “week” becomes the 7-year Tribulation period that is separated into two 3.5 year periods by that abomination of desolation. I’m thinking this is all an incorrect interpretation. Time to seek more truth.

24 June 2021

Link to the Alex Jones video exposing the for profit COVID-19 virus/vaccine planned-demic conspiracy expose video

20 June 2021 – Review: “Advanced Memory Formula”

Because of some pain in my lower back from what a doctor diagnosed as degenerative disks he prescribed a gabapentin drug called Lyrica that I took for several years and it had some side effects that became debilitating both mentally and physically. First side effect was I was dizzy all the time when walking. Then the memory problems began and got to the point I was constantly running around in circles multi-tasking out of necessity because I was having a bad case of remembering what I’d just come into a room to do or get. I just told myself that I’d move onto another task till when and if my memory got jogged and I could return to doing what I had forgotten.

In April 2021 I watched one of those advertisements that interrupt the videos you watch on Youtube and it was about the memory supplement Advance Memory Formula. Feeling desperate, I ordered one bottle of the product to see if it would help me. It did! The first thing I noticed was my ability to remember my dreams came back to me. Then my moment to moment memory problem began to clear up. I feel like my pre-Lyrica brain has returned and so I’m pleased to recommend to others they give Advanced Memory Formula or even another supplement with the same ingredients a try. I say that because I don’t want anybody to think I’m pushing any companies product for any type of compensation for a good review on what I feel is an over-priced supplement at $39.95 a bottle plus shipping and handling.

My 60-capusule bottle is down to the last few pills and I’m gonna wait before buying more to see if I keep or lose my memory ability that has returned to me the last couple months. I’ll be updating this review to let you all know what I find out.

19 June 2021

More evidence that violence on January 6 at the U.S. Capitol building was all planned by the G_dless Sodomite Democrat party of leftist Communists.

So, here is a link to an Alex Jones video with tons of real time video evidence tha the Jan. 6 breach of our Capitol was a Democrat planned event.

If all you ever watch is the Sodomite news from radical leftist Communists like Rachel Maddow, Don Lemon, Sheppard Smith, among others then you will never know the truth of what’s really going on. These people have a Sodomite agenda that is all part of aiding the Globalist takeover of the USA and the Democrats gladly support these types of people who cannot reproduce together because the New World Order has been working with big pharma to reduce the population of our planet. These murderous Sodomites pushed the sexual revolution that was against families. The support the government created diet that causes arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure, Alzheimer’s, etc., etc., with the same goal of getting you dead quicker all the while feeding you their drugs that help kill you.

I’ve always thought if they really want to bring the planet population down to save the planet and our species then why not do public service announcements on television education people on population destroying our home and encouraging people to have one child or adopting the millions of homeless children on the planet? True, there are those that would turn a deaf ear to such pleas, but a respectable plan to bring down population has to happen. Wars and creation of bioweapons like HIV, Ebola, and COVID-19 are not nice ways to bring down our population.

14 June 2021

Why does Joe Biden have fake Marines guarding the entrances to the White House?

Facebook will not allow any links from the free speech website Facebook doesn’t like the world knowing the truth.

What to do if you get left behind by Yeshua the Messiah at the time of the Rapture





This article is based on the idea that there may be enough evidence given from Yeshua that there could be a rapture of Torah observant Wise Virgin saints during the 7-year Tribulation which is different from the 2nd Coming that happens at the end of the 7-year Tribulation. It would appear that we will be here to see a third Temple built in Jerusalem and when the son of perdition sets himself in the Temple as G_d and commits an abomination of desolation. It could be at this point it is possible to be raptured and I’ll break that down next.

If we are to believe Matthew’s gospel in Chapter 24 then I believe we are being lead to believe that Yeshua will rapture his Bride after the famous Abomination of Desolation found in verses 15-25. If we are to believe this is all one continuous teaching or the order that things will unfold however we need to back up a few verses to verse 14 and ask ourselves about, “the gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.” If Christianity is preaching a false gospel that the Law is dead and we no longer have to keep YHVH’s Commandments then this could mean we are still a long way off from preaching the true gospel for a witness unto all nations before the end can come. Let’s continue however to see if Matthew Chapter 24 can be a reasonable guide to when the rapture takes place.

Right after the Abomination of Desolation passage in Matthew 24 we read of Yeshua returning to gather his elect from the four corners of the earth. The verses say this is the coming in clouds of glory and the tribes will see this and mourn basically because they know this story and it’s now too late for them to believe and be saved.

The parable of the fig tree that follows speaks of Yeshua being near, even at the doors. A lot of people believe the fig tree sign is about Israel becoming a nation again in 1948 and those born in 1948 will not all pass away yet and as the limit of man’s lifespan is 120 years that could stretch things out to 2068. However, if you think like Dr. Baruch Korman then you can scratch the idea that this parable is about Israel, 1948, and all that generation stuff before the end. That’s a really HUGE statement on his part seeing that most people don’t see things his way on this issue.

Dr. Baruch Korman did two video’s that carefully go over Scripture to prove the case for the rapture and the 2nd coming being two different events and you can find his video’s at: He is a good teacher, easy to understand. He is also humble admitting he learning right along with all of us and is not infallible. I do believe he is in error about the parable of the fig tree not being about Israel

Just to be clear about the abomination of desolation, of course Yeshua was fully aware of the abomination of desolation that happened during the Maccabean revolt, but that was sort of like a type and shadow of a future abomination of desolation that is to come. There is no harm and no foul if we have misunderstood the instruction of our Lord Yeshua about all this. Just as the old saying goes, better to be overdressed than underdressed for a party. As always the #1 goal is to ALWAYS be ready for that day and hour no man knows. We must keep ready and watchful (especially since many nefarious characters during the Roman rewrite and compilation of the New Testament have monkied with the texts). I would love to believe in a pre-tribulation rapture, but I can’t prove the Bible supports that. Whenever it may be, just be ready.

Billions of sincere Christians that are sincerely wrong are going to be left behind and not allowed to go in the Rapture. Yeshua spoke of a remnant and only a “few” that will find the narrow gate. The parable of the virgins and the lamps showed that out of all the believers out there that only 50% will be the Bride. So yes, according to the Messiah there will be billions left behind with empty lamps. No oil in your lamp equals no light to see in the darkness and YHVH’s Word/Law is a lamp unto our feet and this is the reason behind the Lawless Foolish Virgins being left behind when Yeshua comes for his Law-keeping Bride. Yes, friends you have been lied to by Christianity’s false teachers to whom grace equals cancellation of YHVH’s Commandments so you can eat non-kosher food and forget YHVH’s Sabbath.


Few non-Jewish people m about the age old wedding tradition of the ancient Jews that survives in some for to this day. Like Yeshua describes in the New Testament writings the timing of His coming to retrieve His Bride is a secret day and hour that only His Father knows. Many believe this comes from Jewish wedding tradition. During the year or so of betrothal (engagement) the Father decides when the wedding will take place and when he has decided “the day and hour” of the wedding he tells his son to go and “lift up” his bride on an “aperion”, and carry her away to her new home. The son had escorts who announced the arrival of the groom in the middle of the night by blowing the shofar.  Some believe this blowing of the shofar for the Bride could relate to the possibility of Yeshua coming for His Bride at the time of Yom Teruah (Feast of Trumpets).  It is my thought that the 7 days of the wedding in heaven parallels the 7 years of Tribulation upon the earth. It could happen, but again, the key is to be ready with real salvation, not the fake salvation offered by the Greco-Roman Jesus of the Christian Babylonian Whore/Harlot system. Remember! Salvation is of the Jews, not the Romans who hijacked the faith and tried to replace the Jews and Judaism with their pork-eating, Sabbath-desecrating invention of Christianity, the Workers of Iniquity.

Yeshua said his coming for his Bride will be like a thief in the night for those who are not ready, but for those who have true salvation his coming will not be as a thief in the night. Just as in the days of Noah and Sodom and Gomorrah all things will be going on as usual and then when those rain drops started G_d told Noah and his family to all enter the ark and G_d sealed the door behind them and those left behind perished because they did not believe. One must consider that the parable of the virgins and the lamps is about much more than 5 virgins who accidently missed the bus. The oil in the lamps has more meaning than just what keeps their lamps lit. Again, Yeshua was very mindful to always remind us that the “workers of iniquity”, those who are not keeping the Law he will not recognize, “I never knew you!” Surely, the lack of oil by half of the so-called believers (virgins) represents those who fell for the lie that we don’t have to keep the Commandments anymore because we are under grace. Being under grace does not mean the Commandments were abolished. Woe unto those who teach such as Yeshua said, “If you love me, keep my Commandments.” Yeshua was not speaking of any added Commandments of His own, but was speaking with the authority of the Commandment Creator. Yeshua repeated the instruction that we are not to add to or take away from the Commandments of Moses like the Rabbi’s have done with their taqanot known as halakah/laws of the Rabbis.

If you have been left behind you now know your beliefs were wrong and now is not the time to argue your interpretation that got you left behind. In my 50 years of seeking the truth I’ve been always hoping to find a teacher that I feel has all the truth. I have been sadly disappointed as there are many who seem to have a lot of correct knowledge, but then they will go off the deep end in a very closed-minded fashion about a certain issue. Michael Rood comes to mind when I think of this as he openly admits he formerly was PAID to be a false prophet. He only now promotes a post Tribulation rapture leaving believers to all suffer through the Tribulation where many will die without true salvation, and then at the end, those of us who are still alive and remain and have salvation will go in a post Tribulation rapture. I keep an open mind, but to me, a post tribulation rapture feels more like “Oh, ye of little faith”. I believe in a G_d who wants to spare His remnant Bride from the Tribulation horrors. Regardless of how it all pans out I will not be one of those, “Oh ye of little faith” people. I seen enough tribulations in my own life so far and I really don’t wanna endure no intense dramas or horrors during the Tribulation so I keep that blessed hope of being spared alive, but never the less whatever comes I will remain faithful to the end.

The foundation of our covenant with the Father is his Law and if we stick with that we will be good. Those of us who have studied enough to show ourselves approved know that translations have been tampered with and we keep an open mind and err on the side of caution, meaning, when in doubt always stick to the Torah. You can’t go wrong clinging to YHVH’s Commandments/Law. I keep my hope in Messiah Yeshua who is coming to rescue His Bride and I don’t care if He shows up on clouds of glory that are lit up by the lights of a huge mothership spaceship where he beams up all up to take us to the Father’s house. Scripture is pretty clear that the prophets Enoch and Elijah both did not die on earth, but were taken up into the heavens on fiery chariots. Yeshua may be coming with the mothership of fiery chariots for us. Don’t be closed-minded when it comes to a being who is far more advanced than you are!

The truth is that you were left behind for 3 reasons. (1) You were wrongly taught that you didn’t have to keep the Law, and (2) therefore you didn’t keep it. That made you, according to Yeshua, “a worker of iniquity”. (3) You never got baptized in the “only name given by which we must be saved”, Yeshua. (Acts 4:12) Jesus and all other names/titles/slogans are NOT the “only name by which we must be saved”. Because Yeshua is a diminutive of Yehoshua/Yahushua you might be safe, but better safe than sorry and used the Scriptural name Yeshua in baptism for the forgiveness of sins. Yeshua said, “He who believes and is baptized will be saved”, but believing means doing! Faith without works of the Law is dead, and baptism in Yeshua’s name is REQUIRED for forgiveness of sins.(Acts 2:38) Remember also, many get baptized without really believing. They have probably just gone through the motions of baptism for acceptance by family or society. It’s for these reasons you were left behind.

I cannot say for sure, but as G_d has always proven Himself to be the G_d of second chances I want to hope, but can’t prove that if you get left behind that you will have a change to make corrections during the Tribulation. If you were someone who was a follower of Roman Churchanity and didn’t keep the Law and may have had a worthless baptism for the forgiveness of your sins because they spoke titles over you like father/son/holy ghost or a false name like “Jesus” and not the Acts 4:12 “only name” of Yeshua then perhaps now you will have a chance to right your wrongs. This is my hope for all of those who were lead astray by false shepherds and wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Yeshua will come like a thief in the night to gather His few Wise Virgins, and the Foolish Virgins who believed they didn’t have to keep the Law will be left behind and shut out of the wedding. I’m telling you that billions of s0-called Christians are going to be left behind and rejected by Yeshua because they had not a love for the truth. Anybody who truly has a love for the truth is going to keep pressing in an seeking with an unquenchable hunger. Now that “knowledged has been increased” with the Internet library of ancient texts and videos that expose false teachings in light of new discoveries there really is no excuse for someone not to seek the truth that will make you free.

I hope we got it right that there will be 144,000 Jewish evangelists during the Tribulation that will be preaching the truth of salvation that I’m telling you now. When the Remnant Torah-keeping Bride is removed from the earth those left behind are going to need guidance and the Father in His mercy seems to be providing such in the 144,000.

In closing, be open-minded and READY for that Torah-keeping remnant Bride rapture. You really don’t want to be left behind. If there is no pre or mid trib rapture and we all must endure the horrors of the Tribulation then I really hope Christians the world over will humble themselves and pray, and NOT fall away from their faith and become cut-throat savages. Personally, I’d be very content to starve to death than to steal food from another human being who is trying to survive. When it comes down to it to die in Christ is gain. I will not love my human body life until the end. It’s the soul you must concentrate on keeping alive by doing the right thing by G_d. Wear your tallit katan so you will look upon the visible to all tzitzit fringes and be reminded of His Commandments.


Are We Just Glorified Apes Genetically Hybridized With an Extraterrestrial Species We Call Elohim (gods)?

The Sumerian Tablets record a history that predates the Jewish Scriptures by many thousands of years? Can that be so? The story of the creation of Adam, and even the story of the world-wide flood that was to destroy all humankind are both there. If the ancient Sumerians had this history before Abraham and Sarah, the first truly knowable characters of the Jewish Scriptures could it be possible that the Jewish recounting of the creation of Adam and the flood are 2nd handed and revised versions of the Sumerian histories?

I’ve asked myself these question for many years since reading the works of Zechariah Sitchin. Can we believe that the Anunakkim of the Sumerian culture were really and advances people from another planet who hybridized their own species with the pre-human species they found on this planet?

This is what history says. How are we to reconcile it with faith in YHVH Elohim of the Bible? This has been something I’ve been trying to figure this out for a lot of years and haven’t gotten any closer to the answer. I’m sure I’m on my way to getting closer to the answers I seek as Daniel the prophet was told to “close up the book till the time of the end when knowledge will be increased”. Certainly there are secrets being kept that will help us understand more in these Last Days. I keep an open-minded faith….